In the midst of a crowd of people
blurred faces and forms passing by
I feel dazed lost and alone
there are vaguely familiar faces
half hearted smiles and shoulder bumps
I want someone to call out and greet me
I want to be acknowledged and smiled at
I want to walk amongst a group of close friends
and feel as if I could belong somewhere
but everyone continues to walk on by
while I make my way to the edge of the cliff
and when my feet touch nothing but air
they still walk on by without even a glimpse towards me.

I feel tired and drowsy
eyelids fluttering and dragging
head tipping forward and
books sliding out of my arms
but I must stay awake
for I may get behind
and when I fall into
the shadowy trancelike sleep
there may be nothing but nightmares
and deviations from tips
of angels' wings and tear-stained
****** remorseful smiles
as each being is transported
into their own individual
hells chained by personal sins
and tainted souls

I must stay awake
for as the dawn of
eternity's night approaches
I may cease to wake up once more.

There's something wrong with life
if all it can think about is death.
It feels sleepy tired and alone
on the brink of vanishing
the rigid spine slouching on it's throne
the starry blue eyes gazing with blurry despair
the weary old woman once so young and fair
creeping and swaying the claws of death tear
at our minds our hearts our souls that bare
the weight of that thought
of eternity to scare
the never ending cycle
of death and despair.

8 years old
so innocent and young
childish and bold
impeccable yappy tongue
eyes bright as stars
thoughts big like daylight
dreams near and far
with no reasonable insight
but I liked who I was
anyone would've too
my heart free of lust
and sorrow and you

13 years old
take a deep breath
daring and bold
jump into the depth
of the deepest pool yet
fire blazing in the chest
graceful arms and sturdy legs
rushing towards the shore
sigh oh my life is surely
at stake no more

18 years old
life is at stake
doing as told
letting everyone take
the brave and the bold
bits and pieces of my heart
trying to walk the path
I never knew from the start
that would bring the world's wrath
upon my nervous frightened being
upon the crumbly dry soil
never really seeing
the mounting turmoil
up in the skies ahead
bound in the ties of thread

23 years old
where am I now
hands leaning forward to fold
shirts blankets and towels
loose hanging hair
blank abiding stare
bottoms of feet bare
brows burrowed in confusion
at the sudden deep intrusion
of the heavy quilt of sorrow
and anger remorse and fear
of waiting for tomorrow
of desperate salty tears
why do I cry
I can't comprehend
but it's because something passed by
that could've saved me in the end
but I just keep on breathing to pretend
like all the others I follow the trend

29 years old
what I have done
body mind heart sold
in a great package of one
to a tyrant who relishes
in pain anger and fear
the only things it cherishes
the loved stained bitter tears
of my stolen heart
beating in the dark hole
no longer apart
of my being or my soul

34 years old
dreary eyes and faded lights
laughter and warmth it stole
from my wavering drab sight
what is this spell
I am going blind!
I want out of this hell
and back into the light
but there's no strength to scream
the hands won't move an inch
tearful ****** cheeks gleam
muscles throbbing and pinched

*******
it echoes and bounces
RIGHT NOW IT WILL STOP
my anguished dripping voice announces

...

I want to live my life
I want to be free
I want to smile and thrive
I want to once again be
the young and bright
8 year old me.

It's time to change
to start making a difference
to stop feeling estranged
to start piecing an image
slowly together
bit by bit
faded and weathered
return the forgotten bliss

of long airy summers
of autumn's floating leaves
of winter's frosty wonders
of spring's eventful breeze

remember the cool midsummer nights
our laughter and our tears
as we sat under the moonlight
the years of our lives drew near

my hand holding a pencil
poised artfully above paper
the tread so light and gentle
the words as something greater

a miracle is going to occur
we'll paint with the colors of the wind
brushes rapidly moving in a blur
the color almost flowing over the brim
of the trees and the sky
pass the stars they go by
traveling for light years and days
toward the silky milky way

finally they arrive
in all it's glory and wondrous pride
the star queen's soul twinkles and sighs
on the gods' backs they ride
toward the heavens they swiftly rise
to demand for what's in the tides
that are rightfully yours and mine

There it finally lies
in the folds of delicate smooth silk
the possession of which you abide
goes tumbling out with a tilt
of the golden empty box
accompanying it are the stars
as it gently stoops to your door and knocks
and then there you finally are

you haven't seen it in a while
but now finally freed from it's hole
whispering heart beat and uncertain smile
here is your rightful soul.

I miss living the life I was supposed to live.

Why there are such things as drugs for pleasure
I will never understand
for at some point in life
we are all high
peering down and hollering from the peak
of the mountain
whether with fear or anger or love
or life's great psychotic events
Then we are low and empty
as a hollow oil drum
swaying in the darkness and savoring
the bits of peace
or bitterness
or sourness
or life

A being might seem
as if it can it be heartless
cold and empty
undesirable and unforgiving
but at some point in life
it will locate the sturdy
undisturbed dark metal gate
and the floodwaters will
discover their massive and livid strength
and flood until
the being can decide
whether it wants to feel or not

There will be some point in life
that our suppressed souls
our anguished minds
our lives in secret unexpressed turmoil
will make itself suddenly known
whether it be the decision to
****
hate
love
live
die
for we all happen to be the ones
with scarred upbringings
blurred lines and dark pathways
the shoulder to be leaned on
the mind to be lashed at
the eyes to stare coldly at
the heart to be stabbed at

We will all at some point
flood the gates and
let the world
acknowledge us
as the beings
whether great
horrid
dead
or alive
it has made us turn out to be.

The simple feeling
of desiring to be left alone,
becomes twisted and thoughtful,
when the being adds,
I don't want to feel alone

Day by day I wander and fade,
at night I cry to the stars and worship the moon,
for how could the sun be so cruel,
relentless in forever outshining me,

What defines a person,
the requirements society hurls into our faces,
keep certain issues bottled inside,
like a massive fright ball pulled back in a sling, forever,
like the lone ferryman never looking back,
on the lost souls crossing the river Styx,

Why we're never alone,
surrounded by masses of vibrant moving people,
a smile here and there,
a bite on the sharp tongue,
and at the end of the seconds that make up each day,
we feel so alone and rejected,
that we are able to,
swallow the black hole
with ease.

When I made the pact with the devil,
To give up piece by piece of my soul
in exchange for the security of my family and loved ones,

The supreme being appeared,
And time suddenly ceased to hold any meaning.

As I breathed without breathing,
saw without seeing,
heard without hearing,
The pureness of his flowing white robes,
The nobleness radiating within the air,
The penetrating wisdom streaming from the depths of his Grey eyes,
The bubbly sweet particles smoothly streaming out of his mouth when he spoke,
Child, why are you doing this…

I dare not reply,
For how would the ocean dare utter a word to the radiant moon goddess?
Simply sitting in his presence was fulfilling enough to me for eternity,
But then he said something drastic, altering my view of the world for years to come,
*The pact is useless, for even I do not have the dominion over time.

In the folds of blurred lines on paper,
flung across the scornful draped bed,
a nail dragged along the pulsing blotched skin,
drab eyes and flurried eyebrows,
trying to reason and understand,
why you're petty and ignorant towards me,

To what extent does my endurance and love go to,
scrambling to do every deed of yours (well in the past),
catching every word that escaped from your relentless tongue,
twisting my thoughts and character to relieve your rants,
still, instead of your loving heart there is a dull stone.

You lash out with a prickly tongue and slash out pieces of me,
jam and pick the sturdy lock to my anguished mind until it finally breaks,
smile and show acts of favor to others in my presence,
tightly grip the pained moon in your fist, tipping her over,
letting her tears spill onto my eyes,
why are you so distasteful towards the innocent,

To the extent of creating change,
God died for us all,
but maybe he secluded you and forgot about your soul,
and you spread your vengeance and anguish upon others,
to make up for your tainted heart and grieving soul,
well I... hope your despair will be cured over time and with love.

It never fails to surprise me,
how much people accomplish and dream,
one split second I have a few hours,
one blink and now only a few seconds,
to live a meaningful unique life,
to make a mark on the surface of the drab people's relentless time,
without knowing it,
a lifetime of finding myself has gone by,
Except I end up,
as lost as I had been before.

As the sunlight streams through the light green pigments of the leaves on the trees,
As students hustle back and forth,
occupied with due dates, missing work, exams, and the prospect of summer,
As you get ready to leave,
I am missing you.

I met you my sophomore year, when you were a senior,
old but young, naive but open, worn but alive,
I was so surprised by how accomplished someone could be,  
You worked so hard even the Gods praised you,
Yet you never really noticed our acknowledgements,

I smiled nervously, stuttered on small words and shaky laughs,
I sat there facing the light of someone's universe,
the person who wasn't really human at all,
but a being so flawless and true,
so godlike but so mortal,
so confident but so nervous,
so attractive to someone who desired so badly to love,

Too many things spoken about one-sided love,
but I felt no need to say even one word to anyone,
because you were too precious to share,
too sophisticated to understand,
too rare to enjoy,
too emotionless to feel anything,

But I held what I could of you in my heart anyways,
never really thinking about the end,
everything was drawing to a close,
and now in just a few days,
in just a few seconds,
in just a few words,
you will be gone entirely from my life.  

A memory in the back of your mind,
of someone who faced you for a few minutes,
of who glanced at you while walking by,
never really understanding why,
I will cease to exist,

I'll love you forever,
for I am the moon interdependent on the prospect of you,
I will weep every night into the oceans,
hug the tides and whisper to the mountains,
ask the stars to shine for you,
the mortal sun shining for my lost soul.

In the folds of time,
I run and run,
My feet hitting the pavement,
The wind against my frantic face,
As I race against my fate’s time and ending date,

The sands are golden brown and tainted with losses,
The wind weighs down on my lungs,
My eyes strain to see in the swirling storm,
My arms are tense and moving even when I’m dead,
My legs continue to run even when I’m disabled,
My soul continues to strain and lunge forward, even when He has already taken up it’s deal.

I am still running no matter what,
Past the past, present, and future,
Pass the deaths, rebirths, darkness, and lights,
Pass the fallen and the brave, the heroes and the cowards,
Past my reflection, parents, family, friends,

Running with no end at sight,
Until I reach the place where nothing exists,
When I reach the place that isn’t a place,
But is instead, nothing… a space filled with only emptiness.
When I reach the place of where I finally belong.

I am a human being that is an individual, and an individual that is a human being,
I wonder where I belong and whether I will actually make it to the end,
I hear the sounds of understanding, praise, and happiness, all throughout the people around me,
I see the words and memories of great people before me urging me to continue on, and to never give up on myself,
I want to always be remembered for helping change the world and making it a better place,
I pretend to be content and carefree and faithful of those all around me,
I feel that I should be given more options and freedom in my life,
I touch the threads of time and the regrets, feelings, and understanding that comes along afterwards,
I worry that the world has gone too far and that it will shatter to pieces one day,
I cry when I am misjudged, unloved, and unappreciated by people around me, especially those I really care about,
I understand that each and every human being is different, and that being different is not always a bad thing,
I say that the ways of this world must change and form into something better, something right,
I dream of true happiness, faith, love, of all the people in the world,
I try to see the good in the world and to learn, see, and acknowledge more each day,
I hope of success, good fortune, and a good way throughout the world,
I am a human being that is an individual, and an individual that is a human being.

If you come knocking at my door,
With your bag full of clothes and money,
With your eyes full of our starry dreams,
With dark mysterious glasses perched on the bridge of your defiant nose,
With a long dark scarf covering your square chin and the sturdy ridges of your throat,
Empty handed and barefoot as I had always been before,
I will follow you.

The seat behind you on your Harvey has always rightfully been mine,
The wind whipping around us,
The closing distance of the sunset,
The sturdy feel of your waist I wrap my arms around,
They will always belong to us,
Those fleeting moments,
Those fading seconds of time.

But it’s true when they say nothing ever lasts,
One second I was holding you in my arms,
The next there was nothing but empty air and slow registration of your departure,
Where did you go,
And why did you leave me?
When we had promised each other to never let go?

The light in the darkness of your eyes,
The words transcending to crystals when they roll off your rough tongue,
The toughness of your knuckles and calves,
The roughness of your forearms and chest,
I remember so vividly,
But you don’t seem to have been remembering me as much.

I am not someone who cries,
There is nothing to gain from tears,
I am not someone who takes pain very well,
I don’t want to go day by day living in fear,
Of the next person I fall for deciding to leave me as well.

But as the seconds tiptoe by,
I feel a teardrop sliding down my palm,
I feel the makings of a cold, hard shell,
Of which I know will become what others will see of me.
What will become of me?
Well that depends on your departure
or your return.

A drop in the ocean,
The tiny soundless death of a baby,
The distant explosion of a swelling star,
The second that skips by,
The full breath you take of the salty watery air,
As you close your eyes for the jump.

Your tear was a drop in the Ocean of Tears,
Your innocence was the death of a baby,
Your universe was wiped out by the star’s destruction,
The second that it took to realize,
There is nothing left to live for,
There is nothing better to die for.

The deep breath you take of the salty teardrop in the air,
Of my ocean filled with the suffering of all,
Of the time that always refused to past,
Of the time that was condemned to be lost,
Of the voices who went past unspoken and unheard,
Of the tears that weighed down individual souls.

And there in the depths of the very bottom,
Among the watery scars and faded dreams,
Seated on the throne of salty forbidden tears,
Surrounded by others who were lost like you,
I await your descent,
Into my kingdom,
Into my Ocean of Tears.