So much swirling in my head
I can't organize it
All my hurt and my happiness
All my love and hate
In vibrant colors stretching and growing
Disappearing and boldly standing out
I don't know what I'm even feeling anymore
How does my life work
I want to get away
And be free
And be normal
My house is desolate
And unhappy
My heart is as ****** up as
The rest of theirs
I just know how to play the part
Of a normal person

And the audience loves me
And I love them,
And they love me for loving them
And I love them for loving me,
And we all love each other
And that's because we didn't get enough
Love in our childhoods...
That's showbiz, kid.

It seems as though
I always want to talk to you
But our conversation comes at a cost
Because every word spoken
Puts me one word closer
To the last words I'll ever say to you.

With hope I could forever speak
With reason and love aimed at your heart
Taking your ears and making them listen
To what I need you to hear
Before you cannot hear anymore.

Carefully I select the sounds I speak
As not to choose the wrong ones
Picking silently in my head
The memories I would like to leave behind
In every moment I spend with you.

I know the last words I will say to you.
They are in my head now
Dancing on my lips
Teasing your ears
But I will not say them.
Not now.
Instead,
I will say them when it is time
For them to be true.

I do hope, however, that when that time comes
You will have already said them
To me.

Salt tears,
False smile,
Quivering cheeks,
In denial.

No control,
Twitching limbs,
Holding onto,
Unlikely dreams.

Boxed in room,
White walls,
Trees in hand,
Confidence falls.

Walk slow,
Hold breath,
Hold on,
Step by step.

Name said,
Swayed speech,
Judged more,
Heavy feet.

Pace out,
Confidence falls,
White walls,
Boxed inside.

Failed.

No pride.

Same again,
New day,
Nothing changed.

I dream.
Continue to dream.
I'm a machine.
I shall succeed.

You won't stop me.