sometimes

i try too hard
to figure things out in my head

i plan how it's all
going to happen

but nobody follows
the script
in my head

and it messes me up

i'm glad i have you to worry about and take care of
i'm glad to have me to worry about and take care of you

i'm glad i have you to make me swoon
i'm glad you have me to do cute things for

i'm glad i have you to take clothes from
i'm glad you have me to share your coziness with

i'm glad i have you to hold hands with
i'm glad you have me to hold you close

i'm glad i have you to make me feel special
i'm glad you have me to remind you that you are special

i'm glad i have you to care about
i'm glad you have me to care for you

i'm glad i love you
i'm glad you love me

my emotions are having a disagreement

and they decided to
hold their battle
in my head

its been going on
for a while now

i wish they could just
agree on something.

even a compromise
between the two
would be nice

sometimes
i get a new notebook
and i feel like
i have to get to know it
before i can write in it
properly

sometimes
i just see a notebook
and i want to
pour my heart out
onto its pages

i don't know why.

it's just a gut feeling

i've been avoiding your messages
asking when i can hang out,
when i can sleep over

i think i'm scared
but i don't understand why

i feel sick to my stomach
and stupid
for being reluctant to do something
i know i'll enjoy

i want to sleep,
but i have too much
to think about

my brain is always
so busy

remembering all the
places i need to be
things i need to do

thinking about
how i need more sleep
and how cute you are

but
instead, i'm sitting here
writing,
scribbling little notes to myself

i told myself that
i would get up
as soon as i put my music on
but
how could i resist
curling up in my chair,
listening to the music
playing in my room
and the wind
swirling around outside it?

it turns out that chucks
are not the best shoes
to wear in the snow

the cold snuck in
my feet got cold
my toes froze

that was five hours ago
they still haven't warmed up

the idea that you would give me a second thought,
astounding
the idea that you would care,
unbelievable

there's no way this can be real

maybe it's not
(or maybe that's just my low self-esteem talking)

it's amazing how much affect
one little thing
can have on your emotions

a simple touch will make your heart melt,
a headset makes you feel official,
an angry look can make you feel like a failure.

it can be the tiniest thing,
not anything significant.
but to you,
it means the whole world.

my dad finally gave in
and gave me his old hoodie

worn out,
full of holes
no zipper
missing a pocket

loved.

even before i went outside
i could tell that it was going to be nice

i put on a loose t-shirt
and felt live air
on my skin
for the first time
since last year

left the house
without needing a coat

the earth is coming alive again
and so is my spirit

i've gotten over it
mostly.
now it's just
the flutteries

and that's only when you
look at me
or talk to me
or are particularly close

this is good.
i'm not sure how long
i could have lasted
in the state i was in before.

this isn't pleasant

i don't like this feeling
i've felt sick
with giddiness
the past two days.
it's not a good sort of giddiness.

i wish i could brush off our interactions
like i can with everyone else
it just isn't working

i need to
get over you now
or cut you off

like i always have before.

i haven't taken the time
to go for a walk
in a while

but last night i stepped outside
and was suddenly overwhelmed
by the need
to go for a walk

it didn't matter that it was
raining
and cold.

i just walked right out there
and loved it

loved the rain
falling on my head
and soaking my toes

loved the cold
making me appreciate
my warmth

loved the air
feeling like real, tangible life
in my lungs

not because it's hot,
because the air feels really thick.

i don't like it.

i feel like i am
drowning
very very slowly.

i want to take you under my wing,
keep you safe

i want to un-teach all of the horrible things
you were taught growing up

i want to give you the love you needed
when you were a little boy
without a home to keep you safe
or parents to hold you close

i want to do all these things for you
but i know it's too late

i know that you're too far gone

if you would
wrap your arms
around me
and whisper
sweet little things
in my ear

i want you to love me,
try to deny it,
and fail.
terribly.

i want you to catch my eye
in the hallway
and wink

i want you to give me
that look
when someone is making a fool of themselves
and we are trying desperately
not to laugh

i want you to watch my lips
when i talk
and try to imagine
what it would be like
to kiss them

until you finally get up
the courage
to go ahead and do it

i want you to hold my hand
the special way
with our fingers intertwined

i want you.
i want us.

this is real
life is happening,
right now

you're not here to see it
the world stops for no one, baby.
we're all stopping for you, though -
taking a minute to look back,
appreciate

you have beauty to the world,
made it that much more of a happier place

                            thank you,
                                 we send our love

my lips
get so chapped

i can't help it

but if you would
kiss them

i would try
so hard
to keep them
nice and
tender
just for you

sometimes the little things
like
waiting for the toast to pop
    your text to send
    the song to start
    to tie your shoes
    your hair to dry

all those
everyday little things

they seem so
insignificant,
annoying

but - what if they weren't there?
where would we be?

but they sure as hell are


                                      *something

there is something magnetic about you
something i wish wasn't there
because i know that it's going to get me in trouble

i try not to think about you
before i go to sleep

because then you might
be in my dreams

those few seconds
in the morning,

before i wake up fully
and think that it really happened,
that you really did love me

and then realizing that you don't
all over again,
it's just too painful.

i don't know how
i can
physically deal
with how hot
you are

i thought
i would have
melted
by now

you would think so.

                             but that's not
                                              how it works.

please,
come back soon

we're all dreadfully worried,
and i'm losing my mind

i thought i missed him
kept asking myself why -
it's been long enough,
shouldn't i be over him by now?
why do i still want him back?
plenty of time has passed,
& did any of it matter in the first place?

turns out it did matter.
it's not him i miss,
it's how i felt when we were together.
i'd never been so happy,
ever

she still comes to your room
to check on you,
in the middle of the night

to see if you are still breathing
just like when you were a baby

in the day she looks annoyed at you
and you, in turn
look annoyed at her.

you get in fights.
you call her a *****,
say that you hate her
and wish that she never adopted you.
you run away

but
she still comes to your room
to check on you
in the middle of the night
to see that you are still breathing

just when i needed it to be
still, calm

it decided to have some crazy
spaz attack
spread from head to toe

i made a hasty excuse
stumbled down the stairs,
through the hallway
and collapsed on my bed,
trying not to wake the others

i curled up and shook
for what seemed like forever
and tried to convince myself
that i could control my own body

i wobbled up the stairs
and slipped back into bed with you

pages soft from being thumbed through
so often

dog-ears throughout,
mysterious stains and sticky spots
from when i eat
and have intense mental debates
at the same time

thoughts crossed out
and notes scribbled in the margins

i've been wanting things
i said i would never want

i've been wishing things
i thought i would never wish

my own mind is starting to scare me

i guess this is what happens
when you grow up.

i fell in love with you again

i thought you were gone
for good

i was considering what i would do
if you were dead

tried to tell myself you weren't,
and that you were coming back

i wore your pants
hoping that the pants gods would notice,
have mercy,
and bring you home to me

i ******* love you
and i want to remember
how it feels
to love you this hard
till the end of time

i want to get the message across to you
that i care
but i don't know how

you've been lied to so many times before
i don't know how to make you believe
that this time, it's for real

i've never tried it, but I'm guessing it's gross

you have taken control
of my mind
and my body

i can't concentrate
when you are in the room

if you look my way,
my stomach gets all fluttery

if you talk to me,
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop.

i want my body back,
i want to be in charge of
      my very own
                   self

i don't want to be the sort of person
who needs a relationship
to prove to themselves
that they are a real person.

a real person who is
desirable,
likable,
worthy of spending time with.

i want to be able to prove
these things
to myself
without your help.

i've been writing in red
because it reminds me of blood.

i'm not a violent person,
but there is something
extremely satisfying
about writing in red ink
and imagining that it is blood,
that you are staining
these pages forever
with something more
meaningful
than normal
ink.

you have a permanent home
in my head

you've rented an apartment
and are now
one of my many tenants

you barely ever leave your home
mostly just sitting in your room
poking my mind
so i can't think of
anything but you

i wish you would
pay your ******* rent.

the stress was taking over

so i took a minute,
and folded my clothes.

the stress was taking over,

so i took a minute,
and paired up my socks.

the little things,
busywork.

they saved me.

fairy lights & my computer screen
to illuminate the pages
that i'm staining with my thoughts

headphones over my ears
with music loud enough
to drown out the rest of the world

a four-poster bed & bedside table
making the dreams i had when i was a child
come true

piles of blankets, pillows & notebooks
to make me feel cozy and at home

as well as the feeling of being loved
sinking into my soul

she was at home in your arms
she was protected in your arms
she was secure in your arms
she was loved in your arms
she was safe in your arms

safe from her nightmares
safe from strange noises in the night
safe from her taunting sister
safe from everything

safe in your arms.
safe.

how could you take those arms away?

she isn't safe anymore,
not from her nightmares,
not from strange noises in the night
not from her taunting sister,
not from
anything.

she's not safe anymore.
not anymore

she's not your little girl.
not anymore.

she can't be.

why?

because you are
dead.

why?

you knew.
but you can't tell us.
not anymore.

past the point of just plain tired
past stupidity
past being hyper
past crashing

now it's just a general looming feeling
hanging over you

it doesn't go away.

i slept till 1:13 today

i think it made me
more tired
than i normally am,
which is saying something.

all that dreaming i was doing
must have been pretty exhausting

popsicles are
   awfully exciting
when you are
   three years old

giggling in the hammock
   popsicle juice
trickling down your arms

holding up your prize
   so that all the world can see the proof
that you finished your supper
   and have moved on to better things

noises don't come through properly
when you aren't quite awake

muffled grumbles and mumbles
that's all you can hear

hopefully you can block them out
and sleep those extra few minutes

blatantly feeding them lies,
and nobody stops them
to think that it would be shameful
to try and stop these people
from overriding these impressionable little children's minds