.

i was put to bed
nearly an hour ago

but i couldn't stand to
   crawl into a bed
i wasn't tired enough
   to fall asleep in
after so many previous failed attempts

room illuminated
by the computer screen
used only to light the pages
i'm staining with my thoughts
such an unpleasant feeling it gives off,
having nothing but cold undertones
as if it's trying to warn you
not to get ****** into its
bitter, emotionless world

all the awake
i was missing out on last year
has finally caught up to me
and here i am,
sitting up late
not being able to bear
another failure
at something that used to be
so easy,
so simple

now i wait
and hope with all my might
that the sleep will come
and take me away
from this place
once again

i see you talking,
your mouth forming the words
talking to your friends

not noticing the girl
across the room
watching you

wishing that you would
notice her
kiss her
love her

i waited for this moment for so long,
but now that it's over
the memory is slipping out of my grasp

i can almost remember the feel of your mouth on mine
and the taste you left on my tongue

i can almost remember the feel of your hand
on my ***
grabbing, pulling me in for more

i can almost remember the urgency
with which you pulled me on top of you

the feeling i remember best is having to leave you the next morning
and the waiting, the longing
of wanting to see you again
then,
the letdown of it never happening

i'm tired.
too tired.

i'm tired and stressed and it's ******* the life
out of me.

how am i supposed to deal with this constant
dread and need?

i think of you
in the morning
as i wake up,

and in the moments before
i drift off
into nothingness
at night.

i want to know if there is anything i can do to help.

and if there is, what it is
and how i can do it.

i really do care about you
and i want you to be happy and safe.

if there isn't anything i can do,
or even if you just don't want me to do anything,
that works too.

just tell me,
please.

even if it's just talking (however cheesy it sounds, i know it helps me sometimes, and i'm up for it)

also,
i want to apologize for taking this long to say something
(i don't even know how many times i've written this in my head)
i didn't know what or how to say anything, so i just didn't.
then i remembered that you are one of my dearest, dearest friends and i can just talk to you, it doesn't have to be anything fancy or complicated.

i want to apologize for writing this as well.
i'm very shy when it comes to dealing with things that carry emotional weight, and writing is a lot easier for me than talking.

so yeah,
   here is a tiny piece of my mind for you to look at.


i love you.

i fell like you're slipping out of my grasp,
like i'm losing you
& you're moving on
to bigger & better things

i'd say i didn't know what i'd do without you
except i know full well that i'd spend my time being miserable
& that my life would not be
nearly as meaningful
              or exhilarating
as it is with you in it

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i don't love you
i kissed you,
  but it didn't mean anything
i kissed you,
  but i didn't feel anything

we're both a little bit broken
in all the wrong ways

do you ever get that feeling
where you want something
to happen
so bad
that it hurts?

it's terrible.

and it happens to me
every day.

breathing the same air
hearing the same silence
reading the same words
copying the same notes

thinking a myriad of different thoughts

fuzzy

that's how it feels

like the static on an old tv

a sort of
cshhhh noise
and
black and white pixels
moving all around

that's what it feels like

i watched them play
where i played  

i watched them eat
where i ate

i watched them live a little part
of the life that i lived

my house
my yard
my food
my childhood

we started with kissing
and ended with getting to know each other

i really like
shirts with
open backs

the only problem is that
when i go home
to my freezing cold room
there is a patch of
cold coldness
on my back
where there is a lack of shirt

i found a solution.

blankets.

last summer
you lent me your sweatshirt,
and i lent you my heart.

it's almost summer again,
and i haven't seen you in months

but
i have kept your embrace,
and you have kept my heart.

i wanted to know why
i had been so crazy

but really, it was obvious.

you pushed me over the edge

i couldn't take it anymore.

the stress level is rising,
rising,
rising.
i can feel it in my chest.

i need to do this
i'm in the middle of doing that
and it really shouldn't wait.


then it turns out that this
is three times more complicated than i thought it was,
that needed to be done hours ago,
and it is due tomorrow morning.

       calm down honey,
                  *you'll be okay.

i really like the closet
i have a pillow and
all my notebooks
some candy
my laptop
a place to put my feet

i bet i spend more
time on the floor in my closet
than anywhere else in the house

my feelings are a mumble jumble
of this, nothing, that, and everything.

the off button is just out of my reach
maybe if i stretch far enough
i'll be able to press it
and have a few quiet moments to
myself.

wool socks
fuzzy pj pants
too-big sweater
scarf
messy bun
notebook
music

this is my favorite sort of night

you've changed the way i think about things,
the way i process the world

you've lit a spark
that turned into a roaring fire of curiosity,
dancing on the same hearth
the fire of my imagination danced on
when i was a child

everything has regained its original allure
and i am thirsty for knowledge & understanding

people keep telling me
that you're bad news,
that you're gonna **** me up.
i know it's true,
but that doesn't mean
that i'll do anything about it

used,
    then thrown aside

i didn't realize

how can i do this?
why are there so many of them?
i never meant for it to be this way

the one that meant the world to me now means nothing
i'm fine with them being gone,
but i'm not fine with the time that will inevitably come
when you are in their place

every thought i think
everything i do
every feeling i have,
connects to you

you will finally open up to me;
stop being so shy,
at the end of the year

but then summer happens
and we lose it
and have to start
all over again

this time is different

this time i won't be seeing you again

i'm tired of looking at myself
       cause i'm starting to look ugly
like when you say a word
                                      over and over and over
   until it sounds ridiculous
and completely un-word-like

              inadequacy
very well might be the most frustrating thing
                           in the history of ever

i keep comparing myself to her;
and i'm not good enough
     i have no reason to be doing this to myself
and i keep kicking myself for it

but we like the same boys
            and obviously someone has to win
      because everything is a competition,
  right, mom?

no
we can both end up happy

it's just hard to get there

waiting all that time
for this moment;

minds rendered useless
from the lack of sleep

bodies carelessly lain
on top of one another

fingers intertwined

lips curled
into a sleepy
half - smile

sometimes
when i forget to eat
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop

it kinda scares me.

i've been avoiding writing about you
because i spend so much time thinking about you

i'm tired of it
& i want to spend as little time as possible
continuing to do so

i want some time to myself

some time
when you aren't lurking in the back of my thoughts

i want there to be a time
when i can see something,
                    say something,
               watch something,
                  hear something,
        remember something,
and not think of you

*you've moved on from that point,
why can't i?

but
my blankets are so cozy and warm
and the world out there is so harsh and cold

i don't want to get up.

personally, i don't believe in god.
but i respect,
          sometimes even envy the people who do

i can't imagine
what it would be like
to have such a deep trust in something
something you can always fall back on,
something completely and utterly reliable,
something you can praise or blame
for anything and everything

it must be wonderfully comforting
to think that you have all of those somethings
in this world

'goodbye'
is such a hard
concept
to grasp

I want to be with you

in the night.

watch the starts
and just
breathe.

together.

i try to let you know,
make you notice

giving you hints;

leaving my hand on your back
just a moment too long,
catching your eye in the middle of class
just to smile.

(pt. 1)

how?
how could i not have known?
how come you didn't tell me?
you trust me,
right?
i would have helped.
maybe that's why.

she said they were,
i said i would punch them in the face.
she said it wouldn't help,
i said i didn't care.
she said it would make it worse,
i said okay, fine. i won't.

how did you hide it so well?
how come no one knew?
it happened all the time.
how is everyone so blind?
no one knew.
or if they did,
they
didn't
care.
i care.

(pt. 2)

i care.
and i didn't know.
i would do something,
and i didn't know.
i would help,
and i didn't know.
i would figure out a way,
and i didn't know.
i would stop it,
and i didn't know.

the first time i cried
you said you didn't tell me
because you were afraid.
you were afraid
something like this would happen.
you were afraid that
i would be scared and hurt
and sad
and try to help.

maybe it's better
because you learned the lesson yourself
maybe you wouldn't have
if it hadn't gotten so bad.

i still wish you had told me.
why didn't you tell me?
how?

i'm tired
and scared
and stressed
enough
as it is,

i don't need you
piling all your problems
on top of my own
and expecting me
to sort them all out
before I even start
dealing with my own.


*i'm going to break down

i'm tired of your *******
but i can't tell you that

sometimes i just need some time away from you
but i can't tell you that

maybe you aren't really my best friend
but i can't tell you that

no, i don't really want to keep in touch when school ends
but i can't tell you that

no, you aren't as cute, ****, artsy, or talented as you think you are
but i can't tell you that

i don't love you as much as i say i do
but i can't tell you that

i hadn't seen you
for a while

so when i saw you last week
it hit me all over again

how ******* adorable you are
how charming you are
how you space your words
in the most delightful way
imaginable


how i can never quite tell
whether you like me or not

i  said that
i was tired of you
that you were a *****
that you were ******* me off

that you wouldn't be my best friend
if i knew you then
as well as i do now

but i can't escape the fact that
i love you

nothing can change that.

i don't remember loving anyone this hard
i don't remember caring this much
i don't remember it hurting this much
i don't remember this many butterflies
i don't remember loving anyone as much as i love you

(i don't remember signing up for this)

why are you always ******* yourself up???

i don't understand the appeal,
i don't see what you get out of it

i started caring about you
and now i'm ******
because i know you'll never care about yourself
and me caring isn't enough

i would want my
skin to be darker
hips to be smaller
******* to be bigger
fingers to be shorter

but i can't change these things
so i live with them
and am perfectly fine
with what i have.

tumblr, reading and writing
would take the place of school

we would send all the people we hated
to an island
far, far away

and

all the boys we liked
would love us.

for some strange reason
i thought that talking to you
was some great act
and i wasn't good enough to do it

but then i said something
without really meaning to
and you said something back
we exchanged words
i said something
and you said something back

then i realized that
i could talk to you

that it didn't have to be some profound thing
i had been planning on saying
for weeks

i realized that
you are just a normal person
not some god or anything
that i was just as good as you

i had this realization a few weeks ago,
but i still find it amazing
that i can talk to you
and you will talk back

i wish you could write feelings

i wish you could
keep them in bottles

and taste little bits
to remind yourself of
that feeling you had
one day last year
or last month
or yesterday afternoon.

but i like writing it even better.

your hair is so perfect

i love those curls
that you keep mostly hidden
under your
ever - present
hats.

all i can think of
is
kissing you
and running my fingers through
your hair

i want to be the only person
you will let near it
i want you
to pretend that
it bothers you
but secretly love
how much
i would play with it

i want to kiss you
and run my fingers
through your hair

and you're gonna have to ******* deal

how am i supposed to
            deal with this
you are sitting
  less than a foot in front of me,
standing,
      our bodies inches apart
and i realize
   that your neck starts
where my head ends
  and i try not to scream
   from the frustration
of you being so close
   but still not knowing how we
           fit together
even after all this time