i thought i missed him
kept asking myself why -
it's been long enough,
shouldn't i be over him by now?
why do i still want him back?
plenty of time has passed,
& did any of it matter in the first place?

turns out it did matter.
it's not him i miss,
it's how i felt when we were together.
i'd never been so happy,
ever

this is real
life is happening,
right now

you're not here to see it
the world stops for no one, baby.
we're all stopping for you, though -
taking a minute to look back,
appreciate

you have beauty to the world,
made it that much more of a happier place

                            thank you,
                                 we send our love

i don't remember loving anyone this hard
i don't remember caring this much
i don't remember it hurting this much
i don't remember this many butterflies
i don't remember loving anyone as much as i love you

(i don't remember signing up for this)

i fell like you're slipping out of my grasp,
like i'm losing you
& you're moving on
to bigger & better things

i'd say i didn't know what i'd do without you
except i know full well that i'd spend my time being miserable
& that my life would not be
nearly as meaningful
              or exhilarating
as it is with you in it

you've changed the way i think about things,
the way i process the world

you've lit a spark
that turned into a roaring fire of curiosity,
dancing on the same hearth
the fire of my imagination danced on
when i was a child

everything has regained its original allure
and i am thirsty for knowledge & understanding

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i don't love you
i kissed you,
  but it didn't mean anything
i kissed you,
  but i didn't feel anything

we're both a little bit broken
in all the wrong ways

.

fairy lights & my computer screen
to illuminate the pages
that i'm staining with my thoughts

headphones over my ears
with music loud enough
to drown out the rest of the world

a four-poster bed & bedside table
making the dreams i had when i was a child
come true

piles of blankets, pillows & notebooks
to make me feel cozy and at home

as well as the feeling of being loved
sinking into my soul

used,
    then thrown aside

i didn't realize

how can i do this?
why are there so many of them?
i never meant for it to be this way

the one that meant the world to me now means nothing
i'm fine with them being gone,
but i'm not fine with the time that will inevitably come
when you are in their place

please,
come back soon

we're all dreadfully worried,
and i'm losing my mind

i've been avoiding writing about you
because i spend so much time thinking about you

i'm tired of it
& i want to spend as little time as possible
continuing to do so

i want some time to myself

some time
when you aren't lurking in the back of my thoughts

i want there to be a time
when i can see something,
                    say something,
               watch something,
                  hear something,
        remember something,
and not think of you

*you've moved on from that point,
why can't i?

i waited for this moment for so long,
but now that it's over
the memory is slipping out of my grasp

i can almost remember the feel of your mouth on mine
and the taste you left on my tongue

i can almost remember the feel of your hand
on my ***
grabbing, pulling me in for more

i can almost remember the urgency
with which you pulled me on top of you

the feeling i remember best is having to leave you the next morning
and the waiting, the longing
of wanting to see you again
then,
the letdown of it never happening

i ******* love you
and i want to remember
how it feels
to love you this hard
till the end of time

i've resigned myself to the fact
that i will never be able to truly love anyone
until you're completely, utterly gone

and you're gonna have to ******* deal

just when i needed it to be
still, calm

it decided to have some crazy
spaz attack
spread from head to toe

i made a hasty excuse
stumbled down the stairs,
through the hallway
and collapsed on my bed,
trying not to wake the others

i curled up and shook
for what seemed like forever
and tried to convince myself
that i could control my own body

i wobbled up the stairs
and slipped back into bed with you

the idea that you would give me a second thought,
astounding
the idea that you would care,
unbelievable

there's no way this can be real

maybe it's not
(or maybe that's just my low self-esteem talking)

every thought i think
everything i do
every feeling i have,
connects to you

i'm glad i have you to worry about and take care of
i'm glad to have me to worry about and take care of you

i'm glad i have you to make me swoon
i'm glad you have me to do cute things for

i'm glad i have you to take clothes from
i'm glad you have me to share your coziness with

i'm glad i have you to hold hands with
i'm glad you have me to hold you close

i'm glad i have you to make me feel special
i'm glad you have me to remind you that you are special

i'm glad i have you to care about
i'm glad you have me to care for you

i'm glad i love you
i'm glad you love me

we started with kissing
and ended with getting to know each other

people keep telling me
that you're bad news,
that you're gonna **** me up.
i know it's true,
but that doesn't mean
that i'll do anything about it

i want to get the message across to you
that i care
but i don't know how

you've been lied to so many times before
i don't know how to make you believe
that this time, it's for real

why are you always ******* yourself up???

i don't understand the appeal,
i don't see what you get out of it

i started caring about you
and now i'm ******
because i know you'll never care about yourself
and me caring isn't enough

blatantly feeding them lies,
and nobody stops them
to think that it would be shameful
to try and stop these people
from overriding these impressionable little children's minds

i want to take you under my wing,
keep you safe

i want to un-teach all of the horrible things
you were taught growing up

i want to give you the love you needed
when you were a little boy
without a home to keep you safe
or parents to hold you close

i want to do all these things for you
but i know it's too late

i know that you're too far gone

there is something magnetic about you
something i wish wasn't there
because i know that it's going to get me in trouble

personally, i don't believe in god.
but i respect,
          sometimes even envy the people who do

i can't imagine
what it would be like
to have such a deep trust in something
something you can always fall back on,
something completely and utterly reliable,
something you can praise or blame
for anything and everything

it must be wonderfully comforting
to think that you have all of those somethings
in this world

i thought you were gone
for good

i was considering what i would do
if you were dead

tried to tell myself you weren't,
and that you were coming back

i wore your pants
hoping that the pants gods would notice,
have mercy,
and bring you home to me

i was put to bed
nearly an hour ago

but i couldn't stand to
   crawl into a bed
i wasn't tired enough
   to fall asleep in
after so many previous failed attempts

room illuminated
by the computer screen
used only to light the pages
i'm staining with my thoughts
such an unpleasant feeling it gives off,
having nothing but cold undertones
as if it's trying to warn you
not to get ****** into its
bitter, emotionless world

all the awake
i was missing out on last year
has finally caught up to me
and here i am,
sitting up late
not being able to bear
another failure
at something that used to be
so easy,
so simple

now i wait
and hope with all my might
that the sleep will come
and take me away
from this place
once again

i've been avoiding your messages
asking when i can hang out,
when i can sleep over

i think i'm scared
but i don't understand why

i feel sick to my stomach
and stupid
for being reluctant to do something
i know i'll enjoy

i'm tired of looking at myself
       cause i'm starting to look ugly
like when you say a word
                                      over and over and over
   until it sounds ridiculous
and completely un-word-like

              inadequacy
very well might be the most frustrating thing
                           in the history of ever

i keep comparing myself to her;
and i'm not good enough
     i have no reason to be doing this to myself
and i keep kicking myself for it

but we like the same boys
            and obviously someone has to win
      because everything is a competition,
  right, mom?

no
we can both end up happy

it's just hard to get there

but they sure as hell are


                                      *something

a messy bun
lots of silver rings
black nail polish
string bracelets
   to remind me of
            who
   and where
             i've been
as well as silver bracelets
      for the noise
a too-big flannel
toms,
a toe ring
and ripped jeans

this is who i am.

'goodbye'
is such a hard
concept
to grasp

how am i supposed to
            deal with this
you are sitting
  less than a foot in front of me,
standing,
      our bodies inches apart
and i realize
   that your neck starts
where my head ends
  and i try not to scream
   from the frustration
of you being so close
   but still not knowing how we
           fit together
even after all this time

waiting all that time
for this moment;

minds rendered useless
from the lack of sleep

bodies carelessly lain
on top of one another

fingers intertwined

lips curled
into a sleepy
half - smile

popsicles are
   awfully exciting
when you are
   three years old

giggling in the hammock
   popsicle juice
trickling down your arms

holding up your prize
   so that all the world can see the proof
that you finished your supper
   and have moved on to better things

maybe i love you
because i know
that i can't have you

because i know that you will never love me

maybe that is the reason
i'm always falling in love
with the ones i can't have

purely because
them loving me
in return
is not an option

you have taken control
of my mind
and my body

i can't concentrate
when you are in the room

if you look my way,
my stomach gets all fluttery

if you talk to me,
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop.

i want my body back,
i want to be in charge of
      my very own
                   self

i don't want to be the sort of person
who needs a relationship
to prove to themselves
that they are a real person.

a real person who is
desirable,
likable,
worthy of spending time with.

i want to be able to prove
these things
to myself
without your help.

pages soft from being thumbed through
so often

dog-ears throughout,
mysterious stains and sticky spots
from when i eat
and have intense mental debates
at the same time

thoughts crossed out
and notes scribbled in the margins

i fell in love with you again

you are the smell before rain,
you are the anticipation of what is to come

you are the shapes that i see in the morning
        when i rub my eyes,
you are the start of each new day

you are the sky at midnight,
you are beautiful and mysterious

you are quiet summer nights
     after days full of sun
   and excitement,
you are the feeling of being
       happy
           with everything
  just
   the way
  it
         is

last summer
you lent me your sweatshirt,
and i lent you my heart.

it's almost summer again,
and i haven't seen you in months

but
i have kept your embrace,
and you have kept my heart.

tumblr, reading and writing
would take the place of school

we would send all the people we hated
to an island
far, far away

and

all the boys we liked
would love us.

breathing the same air
hearing the same silence
reading the same words
copying the same notes

thinking a myriad of different thoughts

you go about your day
oblivious to all the people
who are madly in love with you

i try to let you know,
make you notice

giving you hints;

leaving my hand on your back
just a moment too long,
catching your eye in the middle of class
just to smile.

i want to know if there is anything i can do to help.

and if there is, what it is
and how i can do it.

i really do care about you
and i want you to be happy and safe.

if there isn't anything i can do,
or even if you just don't want me to do anything,
that works too.

just tell me,
please.

even if it's just talking (however cheesy it sounds, i know it helps me sometimes, and i'm up for it)

also,
i want to apologize for taking this long to say something
(i don't even know how many times i've written this in my head)
i didn't know what or how to say anything, so i just didn't.
then i remembered that you are one of my dearest, dearest friends and i can just talk to you, it doesn't have to be anything fancy or complicated.

i want to apologize for writing this as well.
i'm very shy when it comes to dealing with things that carry emotional weight, and writing is a lot easier for me than talking.

so yeah,
   here is a tiny piece of my mind for you to look at.


i love you.

it feels like the knives
are calling to me
across the room

like my skin is begging me
to slice it open

*spill a little blood,

please