it feels like the knives
are calling to me
across the room

like my skin is begging me
to slice it open

*spill a little blood,

please

is it just because i want to
save you?

if i love you,
i want it to be because i love you,
not because i need to.

that has to mean something,
right?

i can't decide how i feel about you.
i've never had to deal with you like this before.

i'm afraid of what might happen
i'm afraid that you might not feel the same anymore
i'm afraid that i'm misinterpreting my emotions
i'm afraid that i might not be able to go through with it

i don't know what to do with myself

i've never loved a girl like this.

your beautiful eyes closed,
lashes holding on to the last
droplets of water
from your tears

hours of crying
heart-wrenching sobs
howls escaping from between your lips
sounds i didn't know you could make

your entire body shook

i held you up
when your body gave out

i lay you down,
put my arm around you

you were so exhausted
the physical toll from your emotional weight was visible

tears streaming down your cheeks,
face contorted
noiseless screams echoing in your mind

i lay there,
brushing the hair out of your face
and wiping the tears off your cheeks
late into the night

my feelings are a mumble jumble
of this, nothing, that, and everything.

the off button is just out of my reach
maybe if i stretch far enough
i'll be able to press it
and have a few quiet moments to
myself.

i want to learn

the shape your lips make when you sleep
and how they feel on my neck

how my hand fits in yours

what you do when you're nervous

how it feels to run my fingers through your hair

what your voice sounds like first thing in the morning,
right after you wake up

the weight of your arm over my shoulders

if you sing in the shower

if you're the sort of person who makes their bed every day

i want to learn all these things about you,

some things you wouldn't take the time to notice about yourself

and the things that nobody would ever notice about you
unless they were as in love with you
as i am.

i haven't taken the time
to go for a walk
in a while

but last night i stepped outside
and was suddenly overwhelmed
by the need
to go for a walk

it didn't matter that it was
raining
and cold.

i just walked right out there
and loved it

loved the rain
falling on my head
and soaking my toes

loved the cold
making me appreciate
my warmth

loved the air
feeling like real, tangible life
in my lungs