Remember the moment
You know exactly where you're going,
'Cause the next moment,
Before you know it, time is slowing
And it's frozen still,
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life,
It probably happens at night,
Right?

Fight it,
Take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it
To a tree. Tell it, "You belong to me.
This ain't a noose, this is a leash.
And I have news for you: you must obey me."

such a quiet voice
with such significant words to say

Here we go again with the days I don't eat at all
I'm starting to repeat my words over and over
except not in my sleep, 'cause I can't seem to shut my eyes
only when the stars and melatonin are in agreement,
but it doesn't matter because I'm having nightmares again
except my eyes are open and I'm not dreaming
my skin is actually red and bleeding
my hands are actually shaking
this is reality and it's terrifying

I think I'm repeating how I was a few years ago,
This time, I have people closer to me,
I have people at my work to find comfort in
I could probably let my mother know,
but I'd rather talk about my financial condition than my mental state

I never figured out what it meant to do
"soul searching"
I always found it just fine at 3 in the morning
because that's the only time everything poisons my mind
that's the only time i can feel anything
I just can't seem to feel truly alive anymore

Sorry I didn't text you back.
I was busy,
I know, it's no excuse,
But I was trying to catch my breath,
I was running through the streets
Jumping in creeks
At dead end roads

Sorry I didn't return your phone calls
I was preoccupied dancing with him
In the shadows of a sunset
With no music playing
We were just waiting for the stars
To shine brighter than our eyes

I never received your emails
There's no wifi at the edge of a cliff.
It just doesn't come with the thrill of an ocean breeze
In the middle of waters
We were busy jumping waves
And trying to live instead of just survive

Things are skewed in little ways
That we are believed to think everything's okay.
First things first,
Why the hell is it so shocking that my parents are still together?
Why is a normal question "are your parents divorced?"
Is it because a lot of people lose feelings for the first person they married?
Do they love the person or are they bored?
Or maybe one of them finally showed their true colors
In the mindset their partner can't run away.

While we are on marriage,
Why is it okay for some people to love someone
But others can't?
I think you know where I'm going.
Only recently did the marriage discrimination stop.
But in my state, there no breath of fresh air

The ones who seem to love more,
Can't lock their lives together
Just because it's wrong in the eyes of God,
But these people sure weren't preaching when they gossip, lied, or stole

One last thing, is it normal for a college student to struggle?
Why is it normal for them to be thousands of dollars in debt for the rest of their lives,
even when they have scholars ships and finical aid?
Because books and food aren't free,
Older generations critise them
When college student still live with their parents.
Older generations critise them
When they move out and stuggle
In the economic trap that the older generation set.

I didn't have someone I could tell everything to
For a very very long time.
It was trial and error for me
And I cut off the errors
And kept trying.
It took years
To trust one single person.
How am I supposed to find that again?

I was told that these people were what was painted
There's hope in this blood and fine lines
And there's pain in the hope that's draped
Over the woodlands,
This future will never be what you wanted.
Over the skyline,
This life is bought and pay for,
And you sold the hours in between.
Sometimes they move too fast to understand.
This is all so slow compared to what I knew...
My eyes are rested,
And I can see they take this all for granted.

I hope you never have to have tears roll down your face
While the walls close in
And there's a pain equal to a thousand tons your chest
And you don't even know why
Everything should be okay,
Because you're about to go on vacation, you finished high school, and you have money that you're about to move out with
Any normal person would feel like a million suns

But I don't

I am so so so **** lucky,
But I still can't sleep at night,
I have no energy and daytime haunts me.

I should be happy by now.

I lost my complexity the day my wisdom teeth broke through.
Or that's what it felt like,
Because people stopped telling me things like
"Something about you is mysterious."
There's so much I still never told anyone.

I lost how interesting I was the day I said I'll leave
I blended in and became just like the rest of this town
I forgot how I was different when I wore expensive shoes.
Because I didn't stop and appreciate the uniqueness I could contain

Its been around 3 months or so since i actually tried to make new experiences.
people now surround me when i don't want to be alone,
don't want to sleep alone

i think i'm getting used to talking out loud and
having no one talk back.
i can't even tell if i'm isolating myself or if everyone is giving up on me.

were these people here to just pass time in the first place?
was i there just to entertain so they didn't get bored?
every day i smile wide,
because these people sure as hell never helped me through ****.

i refuse to truthfully apologize to my mother ever again
she loves alcohol more than me.
her priorities come from distorted memories,
stemmed from dreams mix with intoxication and night time cold medication
her eyes are wide, her blood vessels in her face surface
there was nothing i could ever do.

i refuse to ever mean "i'm sorry" to a woman who, on a daily basis,
calls me stupid and constantly tells me i need to lose weight
she wakes me up in the middle of the night and scares me.
and i'm 10 years old mentally all again, afraid.
and i'm 6 years old mentally all again, locked away, hiding.

maybe its for the best i leave

No one will notice the warning signs.
Tell them right to their face, it'll be ignored.
Is it really worth being lonely,
Even when so many people love you?
Is it really worth the breaking feeling in your stomach
And the led in your heels
With glass in your toe?
Is it honestly worth laying in bed and
Falling apart instead of falling asleep every night?
If you're like me
You see your safety differently.
You forget to eat or wear your seatbelt.
Some days it's best you don't drive at all.

No one will see the street signs that tell you
What's about to happen,
But in the end they'll be in tears when it's all lost.

I forgot how it felt to feel alive
And now I feel absolutely nothing

You are an empty parking lot at night
You are the inside of an abandoned store
You are my room at 4:30 AM,
Left over heat,
cold taking over.
I'm sorry I wasn't the picture you painted of me
I'm sorry I couldn't complete you.
We were walking in the streets at midnight
I was breathless and my skin was cold.
You were that night
When we stared at the sky and kept me warm
I'm sorry I believed that's who you were.

In a few years, most of these people you won't know.
They move away, you get in arguments, and life moves on.
In a few years, you'll finally get a job and get out of that house.
Stop hurting yourself.
Stop poisoning your body.
Things are not hopeless.
For the first time, you'll get a tattoo
Your best friend is going do it
You won't stop there.
Things are not hopeless.
You'll snap a few times,
And try to find an escape.
It's going to be okay, and it's going to work out.
Thing are not hopeless because
In a few more years you'll open your eyes
And you'll shed the social anxiety
Someday you'll be able to hold a conversation with strangers.
Someday you're going to be okay.

the type of people my father told me took up space and air
Is the exact people I grew to hang around.
They race in their cars and get in wrecks,
And to put it nicely, I've seen too many eyes  go          .                                  blank.
The things they said circles where they were going,
And that's a Friday night party because that's they life they live.
But now there's helicopters waiting at the church doors
Its midnight and everyone on the highway is awake.
Now there's ambulances
Now there's kids that'll probably never walk again, probably never breathe again.
All for what? An adrenaline rush?

You should hear my thoughts right now
It's moving faster than I can think
Do you ever realize how replaceable you are?
You'll die for your friends
And they'll be happy to live without you.
Minimum hours of sleep
And the walls begin to fall.
The small sounds are terrifying me and I'm scaring myself.
I wonder if they can hear me talk

I happen to jump at shadows,
My mind is filled with a guilty conscience
But I'm not sure why.
.I've been searching for answers late at night.
My eyes are closed and the lights are out
But there's thunder outside and the trees are falling down
I can't help but think that I'm the wind and lightning that caused this mess
.if you'll be my debris, I'll be your everything.
I lock the door and turn the lights off just so I can't see my own shadow.
i don't want to remember where I've been sometimes
I don't want to think about who i used to be.

lets be eighteen forever
It never stops.
We live the life the good kids
Wish they could contribute to
They'll try But
We can't wait on the other side
Of jumping fences
The Suns in my eyes but the lights are still low.
And we have to own every little moment
We are far brighter than the darkness we left
And we have our own fire.

I can't really focus on
What everyone is interested in.
It's black and blue in a chronological way.
It's okay not to understand me,
I Am
sugar and salt mixed together.
You don't need to learn the map of brain
The compass is faced the wrong way
The roads are all dead ends
And you can't even read the directions anyway

I am not someone that you should understand

I'm not waiting on the other person to realize they love me
Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to get hurt
I'm not afraid if I say it first
They won't feel the same
I'll be stuck with this loneliness-
Look, it only happened once,
But feeling that pain was better than what I feel on a daily basis.
Nothing, and everything at night.
"How do you know if youre falling for someone?"
I keep hearing it's just supposed to be a feeling
"Do you get upset if they **** someone else?"
If anything, I realize that there's something in my brain
That won't let me feel what I felt for you.

So I never say I love you first,
Because I'd hate to be the first person to lie.

i said it over and over again.
You're too innocent and you don't understand
I'm trying to be patient,
But everything is torn in half
You need to know how people work
When someone returns your things nicely,
Please don't throw their little bit of belongings in the middle of the road
You have friends struggling to find food,
But yet you keep eating all of theirs

You find places to complain in small spaces
Put put faux respect in empty minds.
You're doing it all wrong when someone can see right through.

Its stamped over and over
On my forehead "brave, young, and reckless"
I understand why they think that.
I go at 80 mph speeds on roads that have warning signs
I get it now,
I go swimming in creeks with alligators and snapping turtles
I ride in the back of a truck bed on interstates
I sometimes drink for days in a row

I even go as far as to not wear coats in the cold

I run and lay in the middle of the road in the dark with my people

But I'm not trying to prove to anyone that I'm
Brave
Reckless
Invincible
I'm trying to prove to myself I can feel alive.

I've got needles to stitch your wounds
But I'm only making a mess
I didn't mention that I'm no surgeon,
But you trusted me because youve known me for years.
I don't even know CPR but I need to know heart surgery
Because it's an emergency.
Well we will barely make it out alive.

Fall asleep while you have the time.
All my thoughts are dissipating
I have this major problem: I can't decide
Should I wish the best or the worse
For all the people who are cut out of the picture
Frame my state of mind,
Maybe someday I'll figure out
How my tranquility could cause turmoil

Let me confess myself on social media
I gotta explain how,
I make hints all the time on Twitter.
Shooting out tweets with song lyrics and
Saying how caught up with you I still I am...
Oh yeah, that conversation we had about half a year ago
About what could've been almost two years ago...
Im secretly trying to avoid going to deep in to this.
Facebook told me my soulmate name begins with a
Ready? "m"
I wanted to begin with you.
I'm beginning to think that all the relationship I've had
Don't work out because of you.
You're too big in my life.
But you've got a good thing going for you,
And that's all that matters

maybe I shouldn't think like that.
I keep remembering that time
we sat in the grocery store parking lot reading fortune cards
I was just there to cheer you up,

And sometimes I regret not taking the chance we could've had
But it's like I need crazy, and I have to be with insane
And when you visited me at work for that last time
I never heard from you again
I don't know if I regret it or not.

I stayed attached to a boy who would
Watch the stars with me and would grip my thighs
And in the morning he'd hide me when the church van came

Maybe I shouldn't think like this.
Maybe I shouldn't be remembering how different things could have been.

I found peace in a place where
Most people would be terrified.

Left and right,
And right again.
I sold my soul.
You're left tonight and
im thinking about turning around.
I know it makes no sense,
But my eyes are watering but I'm not
No way am I ever going to cry.
I told you.
Left and right, dare me to swerve on the interstate.

I don't remember when it first started,
All I know it is was a pressing weight that
Fell through my lungs
Puncture some veins and killed some nerves
I heard the questions I hope we all hear
(I don't want to be the only one and all alone),
They never stopped throughout all the years.

I only figured them out enough
To make them be quiet.
And I got so violent when they were louder than me.
So I was quiet.
I'll explain this to you,
I've made peace with these nagging questions.
The professionals call this a serious case,
But I'm fine, honest.
I'll find the answers.

Nights like tonight remind me why I hate sleeping at "home"
I have a toxic relationship with my bed
Melatonin can't block out the noises of my childhood
I spent it watching my parents stumble and burn us
We were in sight but out of mind,
Nights like tonight make me wonder why
Do I rest my head on my pillow?
Making minimum wage is like being in an abusive relationship
"You can't leave
You'll never find anyone better
Are you happy with what you have?"
And home is never going to be where the heart is.
Can you understand me?

Ohmygod
I'm sick of this
You know what I mean?
People who are purposely cookie cutter &
Afraid. If you step out the lines, someone
May not approve. I'm gonna say this again in
Different form.
If you're in this for approval, you may be diagnosed with: someone else's life
Side effects include: not living for yourself, depending on others, and being too scared to grow.
They say "youlaughcausesomethingilaugh because you're all the samestayweirdbedifferent"
And ohmygod I've heard it all before and it doesn't end

They tell each other to be different all in the same voice
DoyouknowwhatImean
Oh no I'm not searching for approval
But I don't mind respect, but
I won't beg for your time

Are you here?
You seem too far
covered in the sun shower.
You're lightning and
you're a flame that burns my days down,
and you brought me down when you could talk so smooth.
He said baby. I can't. Love. Another
I can't stop choosing crazy and numb. Sometimes it's like I'll only love him.
But he made it sound like a joke no
I'm not obsessed. It's mutual, and it know it is.
I forgot to mention I don't have this type of love
I was never falling apart but
I somehow still went through hell and back to stay together like
I was always on the verge of snapping
And it took all my strength
Some nights I'm weaker than others
I used to love my time alone
But now when I'm alone I think
What could I have done better?
Should I have talked it out?
I never shattered but
I guess I did, only when I was alone
But I was never lonely
I just couldn't stop thinking of the piled up mistakes
How much I missed you, but
I couldn't fall in love with all of it
Only you.
And to thank you for the hell you payed me

im trying to breathe slow while living fast
I'm taking it all in,
And I'm not angry anymore

we live for the weekend
and all the days in between
I'm not alive just to survive,
We live for the night skies and
We live for the morning breaks.

I couldn't slow down if I wanted to.
I have two jobs, school, and a social life
It's 2 AM and my thoughts don't stop.
Sometimes I wish it all could
Stop.
Most people can't keep up,
But if you relax for a second
You fall apart and
i run off energy drinks and melatonin
But I still can't sleep and my eyes are burning

I don't have time to think sometimes.
I learned how to live off a total of 6 hours of sleep
For an entire two weeks.

I couldn't live any faster than this.

you make me feel like you're all that I need when you text me drunk at 4 AM
and during the day you play with my head,
Sober and able, and
Why did you start drinking so much?
Did you finally realize that you can't talk about my body without the liquor shots?
And you have excuses if your girlfriend asks you
And you can never make a decision

It's terrifying that songs or poems can be written about you
Someone thought about you so much,
They had to write it down,
You played with their thoughts enough
They sat down and thought about it

my eyes are heavy and watering
But I don't remember the last time I cried
I left my respobilities far too early today
I should feel bad,
But instead I'm staring at a television
With animated figures
All this time I tried to be straight forward
And they called me abstract still

I don't want you to be like the rest
And I'm so scared.
i keep telling myself you, if I fall, you'll fall too
I keep telling myself that you won't be the one loving me when I feel nothing in return.
I keep saying it's gonna be alright
You're not using me while you're fiancée is too far away
Please don't act like you care.
I tell myself you won't cut me off and not speak to me ever again
Please don't be like the rest.

If I don't take my sleeping pills
I stay up all night and you infest my thoughts
It feels like an obsession,
It's not even every night.
when I close my eyes I see your colors
Taking up my eyelids and I fall asleep
And in my dreams you're so much close,
And in your dreams you told me
We were closer than ever
I still want to know all the details

It feels like an obsession.
It feels like when I move,
I do it for you
And you'll move into me

Slow down,
I have to slow down

To answer your question,
I believe it would've worked
And I never got over it
I think you would be happier than you are now

Please keep me from thinking anymore.

look, I wanted to have fun
they watch me now.
I found my sense of style and they follow me now
I'm not going to look at the world like you
Like I used to,
When I was absent of love.

I'm sorry I'll never fall in love with you
But I can pretend so I make my mother happy
And I found a boy who's too innocent
He just wants to cuddle and he's never showered with someone else

I'm sorry I'm still searching for someone to test my limits
The floor can be a bed and that's what I need
But he hesitates and I can't take it

I don't want to fall in love
I can't fall in love
It's been over a year since I've actually cried

im searching for my sunshine on a planet where it only rains
Now, I need you to fall in love with me
It's nothing personal.
I need your sugar filled comments

Maybe you'll remind me to love myself
but I don't know what I'm doing
And I hope you'll forgive me
I can tear you apart, and I won't mean it
And you can pray to the god you don't believe in
That one day I'll be okay.

give me a second of your time, and I'll burn the fire
It'll be so bright.
Hot enough so everyone takes a step back
Including the ones you love
So what if they call you brainwashed and insane?

Here we go, hold my hand
Let's get a little closer to the heat,
It's true. No one else will understand.
Our feet are on fire now,
Can you feel the slow burn?

Well, it's not over yet.
if our faces get a little redder,
I'll give you everything you've ever wanted
And the world tells you it's a bad idea,
But you're happy,
Aren't you?

We go down in ashes together.

I went to sleep and dreamt of a maze
At the end of it was promised to be everything I wanted
I thought it would be
Peace, optimism, and achieved goals
And it was.
Wrapped all into one boy

Let me explain something
I turned around and decided to make a home in the maze
Because I didn't deserve everything I wanted.

I drop people like the bottles I used to throw in roads
The red lights last hours, and the green lights last seconds
Each day adds another number.
Feels like I'm wasting my days away driving through the streets
And they talk to me but I can't tell you about that.
I cant seem to stop thinking
There's homeless people out there with a job,
And what's wrong with the economy?
Minimum wage workers that finished college.

I told you, your super heroes don't always have to be involved with the dramatics of life and death
Sometimes
It's the small things.
Did you ever figure that out?
I hope you found the beauty where you used to see none.

Today I didn't want to see
All the bad things or the good things
I just needed to rest.

He deserved to go down,
But
I didn't know how.
In history books or on me?
Because
I swear I knew what I wanted
Him around me, next to me, above me, under me, in
I wanted his good days and his bad ones and the days he didn't feel a thing
But me
I wanted to hear his past and accept it
I  didn't care if we were smoking my least favorite smokes
Maybe he's the only one I needed those night I couldn't sleep
Because with him, those nights feel weightless
If he's all that I have, then he's all I'll ever need

I rode in a car with a kid accused of ******
He was the driver, and he wanted to safely
Get me home.
I used to call him one of my best friends,
So maybe I was blind sided to think he never murdered that man.

I once stayed around a "drug dealer" for 3 days straight
He got arrested because he got caught
Cops considered him dangerous.
I always thought he was one of the nicest people I knew
Now he's bailed out and new and improved.
He talks all the time about how
Drugs will never affect him again

This girl I knew overdosed on pills.
She never saw the police,
But I heard her lips turned blue,
Her eyes turned dark,
And her skin lost color.

Ever since then she's been in therapy.
I think it's okay to not trust her
I think it's okay to not trust someone
That would blame you for their problems

My mother told me professional office people don't use vanilla scents
So I bought vanilla perfume right away
She told me if I buy it, buy it for a friend
And I healed myself with it

He wrapped himself tighter around me
He pressed himself more.
But what if this came with love?

I remember
My mother told me don't waste time boys like you
So I poured toxicity on me, that leaked from your skin
I tore myself apart for you, introduced you to my family
With codiene.
I don't know if I tore you apart,
But you've been different since I left

And with prayers, I think at night
That you were torn apart

I could make you smile today.
Who do you truly have besides me and her, anyway?
But if you need to say goodbye, I'll be pulling your weight