i really want to be free
i wonder what i'm really working towards
would it be easier to get on medication?
to feel so out of touch with myself?

i really don't want to be me

In 1809,
I was having a divine time
Until suddenly a tragedy
Brought on my worst travesty.

every year on this day,
children come to my home to play
they giggle but run away pale faced
as if they had just seen-

I’m excited for the entertainment
Why brood in disappointment?
And after so many October 31sts,
I’ve gathered a crowd of children who were cursed

We stay here now forever
And all scare the new ones together
If you come to play
You may die and stay

every night
it's someone different
but if i don't open my eyes,
i can feel him.
every day
i wake up alone.
but if i don't open my eyes
my heart doesn't have to break

he could be everything I need
but one of us is just too ******* weird
and it’s not him.
and when we speak,
i m too prone to acting like myself.
he loves it but I don’t.

****, if my mental illness isn't torture enough
then life keeps swinging her punches
i feel weak all the time.

i don’t really like to cry
but i think I’ve cried everyday
for the past two years.
i have climbed myself out of every hole i dug,
and life threw its punches, but i would swing harder

lately my mind and mouth feel like metal,
my chest feels heavy with the rise and falls
and my bones are weak
my muscles ache.

i am tired.
i wish it all could just stop.

i will never be able to say what happened outloud
But sometimes my mind is too much to listen to.
Thinking I deserved it, I could’ve prevented it
but I’m reminded with two days of blood
And forced to think about it with bruised lips
maybe if I would’ve been more careful,
I wouldn’t have had my face pressed into the ground Saturday night
maybe if I hadn’t gotten so drunk I could’ve fought back.

I can’t think about it without crying.