i will never be able to say what happened outloud
But sometimes my mind is too much to listen to.
Thinking I deserved it, I could’ve prevented it
but I’m reminded with two days of blood
And forced to think about it with bruised lips
maybe if I would’ve been more careful,
I wouldn’t have had my face pressed into the ground Saturday night
maybe if I hadn’t gotten so drunk I could’ve fought back.

I can’t think about it without crying.

If you don’t think about the needy
You’re selfish.
Self entitled, far from selfless
You should want to help others
The homeless
The needy

But your mind crumbles
Under the thought
Of you could’ve easily been
A drug addicted woman
Separated from her family
Who realized no amount of love
Can push away an addicts love
For white lines and heated spoons.

So your depression isolates you.
Because you were so close to being her
But you end up with empathy
And empty pockets
With the heavy weight of knowing
There’s no way of helping
Someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

we didn't want to you to OD
and have your mother crying
saying she'd do anything to have you back

all these nights i'm losing sleep
i wish it was all a dream
but white lines don't numb dark times
even the lightest mind gonna hang around the dark sometimes
and you fought hard for yours

all of a sudden everyone's mentioning your name,
each time it's said,
it hurts
it just shows me that my life will never be the same

knew you were drifting and you wouldn't live forever
but please let me know if it ever gets better
when you find a way out of your head,
cause i'd do anything for a way out of my head right now

we spend a lot of time on twin size mattresses
our heads weigh unto the pillow,
and our thoughts are so heavy
we spend a lot of time breaking out of conventional ways

i hear you say you wanna be happy
but you rest your head on concrete floors
and my concerns are way too high
for someone who won't help them self

i wore myself out before sleeping in my car,
falling asleep not sure if i'd wake up
and praying i don't someday have to sell myself
just to make ends meet.

back then we were fighting to be self actualized
when we weren't sure where our next meal would come from
every day my brain battles me,
but i'm strong enough to someday win the war.

you spent too much time praying and not doing

I started breathing like a dragon more
when my throat feels like it’s on fire,
my demons voices become tired
So when my mind is unaltered I try to carry this state on more

Self therapy and self medication is terrifying
when you never know if you’re moving in the right direction
And have a nagging feeling you’ll never afford mental correction
there’s still many days that are too paralyzing

So
The moon told me
The clocks told me
The sun and his siblings all told me
“I promise you’ll be okay.”

I am a soul
Riddled with trust issues
I am a soul
That my brain has poisoned

I’m calling it quits
I need a break from all the stressful smoke breaks
Nights spent breathing in air as heavy as Earth
with a heavy chest with the same thought looping
“why is most love unrequited?”

I’m done tying myself to people
who push me around to see the pain in my eyes
But I still feel safe with them
and then all the bad thoughts become a blanket
So depression makes the softest bed
It’s easy to wake up and find myself paralyzed

I’m cleaning out the skeletons
They over flow my closet and their ghosts follow me
Everywhere I go I carry demons
If I speak my truth with an open heart,
Maybe I’ll find angels to replace the evil.

I’m going to let go
And forgive myself
And everyone who doesn’t deserve it.

I am starting with cleaning the ashes of those I’ve burned.