Today I didn't want to see
All the bad things or the good things
I just needed to rest.

He deserved to go down,
But
I didn't know how.
In history books or on me?
Because
I swear I knew what I wanted
Him around me, next to me, above me, under me, in
I wanted his good days and his bad ones and the days he didn't feel a thing
But me
I wanted to hear his past and accept it
I  didn't care if we were smoking my least favorite smokes
Maybe he's the only one I needed those night I couldn't sleep
Because with him, those nights feel weightless
If he's all that I have, then he's all I'll ever need

I rode in a car with a kid accused of ******
He was the driver, and he wanted to safely
Get me home.
I used to call him one of my best friends,
So maybe I was blind sided to think he never murdered that man.

I once stayed around a "drug dealer" for 3 days straight
He got arrested because he got caught
Cops considered him dangerous.
I always thought he was one of the nicest people I knew
Now he's bailed out and new and improved.
He talks all the time about how
Drugs will never affect him again

This girl I knew overdosed on pills.
She never saw the police,
But I heard her lips turned blue,
Her eyes turned dark,
And her skin lost color.

Ever since then she's been in therapy.
I think it's okay to not trust her
I think it's okay to not trust someone
That would blame you for their problems

Leave before they love you
Or
Stay until they don't anymore

My mother told me professional office people don't use vanilla scents
So I bought vanilla perfume right away
She told me if I buy it, buy it for a friend
And I healed myself with it

He wrapped himself tighter around me
He pressed himself more.
But what if this came with love?

I remember
My mother told me don't waste time boys like you
So I poured toxicity on me, that leaked from your skin
I tore myself apart for you, introduced you to my family
With codiene.
I don't know if I tore you apart,
But you've been different since I left

And with prayers, I think at night
That you were torn apart

I could make you smile today.
Who do you truly have besides me and her, anyway?
But if you need to say goodbye, I'll be pulling your weight

-This is happiness-
There's a spot for me at the end of the hall
(Last door to the right)
They keep the party running and it never ends
The faster I walk, the quicker it fades

-this is happiness, keep your concerns-
Busy hands and blistering feet
No time to think,
Gotta stay quick
Gotta lose sleep.

-everything's calloused-
Lips stopped bleeding long ago
My teeth commanded an end to chattering
And now there's dry blood under my fingernails

-it seems so brutal, but this is happiness-
Where is the time going?
How to speak, how to think, how to find the time?
How do you pack a car to stay away 500 miles?
How do you leave what you've known?

-with a future-
There's a hallway with a room waiting just for me.
They have a show that doesn't stop,
they welcome fuzzy brains
Their words play over and over across my eyes
"You could be the life of the party and the star of our show"