Yes I know
how damaged I am inside,
How evasive my heart may be
I know about
those three words
how I believed
And the last time
the last person who used them
I know I believed
I Bought into the promise they bring
I thought Unconditional,
Foolishly open,
Three little words
the dreams they can bring
I know how they ruined me
these little words
that can mean too much
to someone such as myself
see I want and I need,
True love,
timeless and transparent
genuinly honest and unconditional
the world I see around me now
doesn't hold these things
I am old fashioned as
with old fashioned beliefs,
tired and worn out
Nothing is forever any more
everything, even love is thrown away
I can't change
so until four heartbeats,
one moment between,
the three words I spoke aloud
stunning myself as I stared at you
staring at me in silent disbelief
but i won't retract,
I will not joke or demean
I will not make excuses
or down play this
because I do
I honestly Love You.

If I could find a girl
Who goes to bed as late as me
Three, four, five in the morning.
Because the internet and the book she's reading
Are just that good.

If I could find a girl
Who loves all movies unabashedly
'90s blockbusters and animated features and epic romances.
Crying and laughing and quoting
The fondness deeper with each viewing.

If I could find a girl
Who knows grammar and spelling better than me
Sentence diagrams and punctuation over dinner.
Red pens and dictionaries and style books
Because she believes English can be a love language too.

If I could find a girl
Who loves Titanic as much as me
Movie and ship and books.
Crying and flying and dress-up and April 15
Planning our themed wedding in First Class.

If I could find a girl
Who knows who she is and knows who I am
Pros and cons and in-betweens.
Friendship and fighting and fire
Because we could build 50 years on that.

If I could find a girl
Who is me but also not me.
Who is the best parts of me
And whose worst parts I will love.
Whose heart will love my faults but not count them
And whose life makes mine whole.
Who dreams I am out there too
And thinks, "If I could find a girl..."

The usual distractions failed.
Silence creeps closer and the laughter fades
Evaporating into muffled sighs and awkward glances.

The words are on the tips of our tongues but neither will be the first to break rank.
We both know something needs to be said but the only words we can manage is "pack another bowl"
The smoke forms a wall to shut out the bad for just a few more hours,
death melts away again to laughter and nostalgia
It only seems to last minutes until our barrier dissolves and life leaks in to stifle our joke and quips.

The extended arms of family members seem cold and ignorant.
when a soft bed and warm atmosphere has become abandonment,
and love feels like a luxury i just don't deserve.

We drive each other,
hoping that if one keeps walking forward the other will follow suit...
so will everyone

"Do onto others as you would have done onto you"
If that view is the right one are any of us innocent?
He reached out his hand for one thing to grab firm to,
and we turned our backs until he was gone.
And we dare to ask what he was thinking in his last moments
And we dare to ask why we weren't there to talk with him
And we dare to ask for one more day with him

He just wanted to get clean....

It is still in these bones of mine
It is quiet now
You remain in the places in my body that no one can touch
You belong to me there as I know you cannot belong to me any place else
I keep you in the silence of these tired bones
I keep you there under the skin and muscle
I keep you there
There was no other way

I hadn’t heard her sing
in almost four years
and in that time
I had almost forgotten
how loud her soul was
when she sat to herself
and sang a song that
wasn’t really meant for
anyone

I often wonder why people post on this site
        Myself included

I’m definitely reaching out
        Trying to make bonds
                
Where my energy seeps out
        Tired and withered

                My daily life gives no release

Of this form
                          
And so I really start to think
If I do form bonds

Who the **** are these people?
        Why are they different from those in my life?
                Do I really want to know them?
                        Should anyone see this side of me?

Maybe its Toxic.
And this should not be read.

Do you ever pause and ask,
        Is this a dream?

When I first asked, I laughed.
Then again I asked, and laughed again.

I asked, laughed, and peered a little closer.
I asked, peered, and dropped a wry smile.
I asked, and stared closely.

I realized I don’t even know what it means to look closely.
I don’t even know what it means to look.

I move through “life” as if a dream.
So focused on such a small portion of reality.
A little encapsulated cloud.
A box. (Sometimes rigid, other times wiggly)

I asked, is this a dream?
I do not know.
But continuing to ask has changed something.
I feel it in my stomach.

I don t know what I will find if I keep asking.
I don’t now know what that feeling is.

Now whenever I ask
I fear I may get an answer.