At the airport
I am an American
Smiling (but not too much)
Polite and prepared:
My passport and boarding pass ready
My shoes slip easily on and off
I have no loose change in my pocket
I have one appropriately sized carry-on
and a smaller bag (as allowed)

On the plane I am Asian
I store my bag overhead
And get up when the
European couple who look like
they stepped out of a Dolce & Gabbana ad
try to get to the middle and window seats
The tired, smiling flight attendant looks relieved to see me
and calls me xiăo jiĕ
when offering me my in-flight meal

At the airport
I am an American
Surrounded by people coming home
Customs glances at my blue passport
And asks if I am a student
I can't find my ride
and my cellphone doesn't work here
I try to use the airport wireless
I am an American.

I've never smoked a cigarette
But I think I know how it feels
My misguided love is as addicting
And every breath of mine, you steal

I breathe the smoke into my lungs
My insides turn to dust
I can't find a way to give you up
So I drink your poison from the cup

I don't care if you will **** me
As long as you hold my hand
You know I'd give up my own life
To save the ground on which you stand

you shoved me into the deepest depths of the shark infested ocean
but I took your hand as you pulled me into your boat
and thanked you as you cleaned the bites
you are a sweet poison that you convinced me I should try
and it's killing me but I can't live without it
I feel like you stabbed me in the heart
just to see what it would feel like
and I thanked you for it.

I am shattering
and you are glueing back together the pieces
and telling me
that I’m beautiful
like that’s not supposed to make me feel anything
"Get out of toxic relationships,"
they say
I can’t
because
I will die either way
and I’d rather die with you pulling the trigger

I miss you
so
much
and I can't
do anything
about it
I'm so
powerless
I'm a bad
friend
(to everyone else)
I can't tell
if you are doing better than me
I can't tell
if I'm doing a good job
pretending that I'm okay
I want to go home
(I've been home
but it's just a house.
And I was happy to see
its inhabitants
but I want to
inhabit your arms.)
I'm so scared
that I miss you
more than you miss me.
Paranoia and anxiety
and loneliness:
a recipe for
a broken me.

I sit doing my calculus homework
The homework that I should have done yesterday
The numbers swim in front of me
Until they spell out your name
I take your derivative
To find the critical points
And realize that our entire
Not-quite-friendship
Has a downward *****.
I still ride that curve down
Pretend I am falling in love
Instead of falling deeper and deeper
Instead of what is really just
Begrudging tolerance.
My homework remains undone.

When my thoughts can't form
Coherent sentences
I can put together
My fragmented thoughts
Into stanzas.

When the tears sting my eyes
Or the anger boils inside my stomach
Or the anxiety makes me feel like
My chest is caving in
The words bring me back.

I send these love letters
Apology notes
fanciful thoughts
And midnight musings
Off into the world
In the hope that
Someone feels the same
And my voice
Reminds them of their own.

I want to be supportive
I want to be the best person,
The person you need right now
I want to help you through
I want you to feel loved,
but I am not unbreakable.

I have my own unhappiness
My own insecurities
My own self-loathing
My own inner voices
Telling me that I am
Wired wrong.

I will be there for you
When you need me
But when you ask me
Why I am so stressed
I will tell you that it is
School and Work and Life.

This will not be a lie
But it is not the truth.
I am stressed because of you.
Because I'm not sure
If I deserve you
Not sure if I'm who you need
Not sure if
I can help you feel
Unbroken.

I am not unbreakable.
I'm not even durable.
I am worn out.