You may think that
everyone has it figured out
but trust me, they're
just as lost as you.

I just want to
know if
I'll be
okay. Years
from now will
I be happy and alive?

People need to stop making
comments about other peoples
body image and focus on themselves.
It's tiring and sickening.
Grow up.

I have learned to accept
the freckles on my face that
people used to think were strange
for an Asian girl.

I have learned to accept the
flat nose that I inherited from
my dad that people used to make fun
of me for.

I am learning to accept my
thick bones that people mistaken for me being fat.

I have learned and accepted.
These things are a part of me.
The words that these people speak of
will just be words in the future because
I will EMBRACE my differences.

Letting go is one of the
hardest things to do
and such an undescribable
feeling.
Being separated by something
that won't feel right doing
but need to, to keep the sanity
that is just about to disappear.

Just sitting there helpless
what could I do?
I wanted to be selfless
and give my heart to you.

You laid there weak
with those sad eyes
how could I sleep
knowing you could die?

The pressure from your hand
suddenly wasn’t as strong,
the touch disappearing like sand
I wanted you to stay for so long.

You have suffered enough,
now it’s my turn to be tough.

Two years ago I wrote myself a letter.
Inside of it I told myself to not give up.
To not give up on writing, something I
believed I was good at, which is rare.
Within those years, I stopped believing.
I stopped being creative.
I made no more time for it.
That's when I realize that's how it is to grow up.
You just start to lose that spark, that passion.
But reading that letter made me reach for a pen and paper.

I've been very sad, when I'm alone
And I know that it's okay to be in this
state of mind but it's happening so constantly
that I just don't know what to do anymore.

Things are sometimes better quiet
because my heads a mess
and I need some silence,
but when you speak it's like a lullaby
and I feel as if I'm a kid again
and for a while it's not a mess anymore.

No, I'm not scared
of monsters under my bed,
I'm scared of monsters
inside my head.

The monsters keep reminding
me of mistakes I've done
and people who have hurt me
in the past
making me cringe as I cuff
my hands on my ears, but still
they make no difference, the voices
just get louder and louder.

I scream begging them to
to be silent but they just
do a quick hush and whisper
even more cruel things
and this is where
I wish I was a child again
because when I screamed
everything became silent
and there weren't really
any monsters.

Its funny because you get bothered
by people who only focus on the
negative things you do rather than your success.
They pick apart everything but when you do
something right, a word is never mentioned.
But see darling,  you need to stop
being a hypocrite, because you do the same.
You dont realize it but you do. You beat yourself up
but never commend yourself when you should.

It's so hard trying to improve myself
when there's voices of
those who told me that I can't.

It's so hard trying to prove
people wrong when their words
are imprinted into my brain.

First I cared too much and psh, you never tried.
Then communication stopped completely.
2 years later, you asked for my forgiveness,
and of course I forgave, but this time I didn't
try as much. Then communication stopped once again
and I thought you were out of my life.
A couple months later you appeared in my presence having
the same class
I kept thinking to myself that we're meant to be in each others
lives because for some reason we keep passing each others paths
but I think I know and have learned to accept that
we're never in sync, we never were. Our minds can never catch
up to eachother.  We're in this never ending cycle
of nothing.

To not know where I stand, destroys
me more than you will ever know.
Everytime I try to communicate with you,
you never respond driving me nuts.
And I've been trying to say everything I can making
me sound annoying, but that's what people
do when they're trying to fight for someone.
They fight and fight.
You were my sanity, and I could tell you everything.
Embarrassing moments from elementary school,
my darkest times, and everything in between.
But I guess that's my fault for being dependent on
someone.
I know that you care, but not enough to keep trying.
What's awful is I wished someone had caused a big
commotion just so I knew the reason to why
our friendship ended the way it did
instead of wondering why it had happened.

People are so easily manipulated,
no mind of their own
just doing what others tell them
to do.

I don't know whether I should pity
them  or be in disgust.

So the question is,
who really changed
and
who actually grew?

I don't think people are afraid to die.
People are afraid of losing loved ones
and possessions that hold their memories.

Photographs, drawings, writings.
All that explain the secrecy that they've kept
not wanting anyone to find but when they're
dead they have no control.

People aren't naturally
good anymore.
They only act like it to
get attention
or to impress,
but it's never from
the goodness of their heart.

I should feel something
but I don't, I'm so used to
it that I am numb.

Have you ever realized that
we are not really original.
We are all shaped by the people
in our lives.
The day we were born, we lost who
we actually were because the people
who raised us put their opinions into us.

Isn't it sad that people all
our lives have told us that the past shouldn't
and doesn't shape who we are when
really our mental state is so dependent
on our past.

Every person that we meet
teaches something to us,
whether it's to be more happy,
or to be careful with who we trust.
They reinforce us with things we already
know, but don't think about all the time.
With them, we learn more about ourselves,
and we are who we are because of the
people we encounter.

Bearing physical pain is easier
than emotional pain because
physical pain hurts for awhile and
disappears.
emotional pain hurts, and then lingers,
never really going away.

No one is good
and no one is bad.
everything is really in
the opinion of our preference.

So this is it
People just leave your life
out of nowhere
and you’re supposed to just to
just accept it,
to just be happy,
because the pain of not
knowing isn’t the reason
to be frustrated, confused
or in denial.

You’re expected to just
“move on”
because that somebody already has
or you have no choice.

But why?
Why do you pretend to be
okay, when really you just want to
scream, cry, and just act out.

To be able to move on,
you shouldn’t pretend that
you're fine,
pain takes longer
to heal when you don’t treat it.

Hands hurting, shaking.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Don't cry anymore.
You're strong ******.
Just punch.

Sometimes she wished she
was less pure,
less secure from innocence,
more experienced.

I’m fully aware I push
people away, and although
it’s bad, I don’t really mind,
but then I realize that one day
I’m going to end up being alone.
I don’t allow anyone to
make me happy for a long time,
I distant myself that they slowly
just walk away
which is my fault,
no one else’s
and that’s what eats me up
every time I push someone away
because I do nothing about it,
I just watch them leave.

Why are you so afraid
of people hating you?

It means you're real.

There probably would have been
so many good relationships I  could
have been in, but no, I push people
away until they find someone better.
And I have no one else to blame
but myself.

Please don't forget me
I am too easily forgotten

Forgotten like a memory
When people create new ones.

Forgotten like fog when the sun clears up.

Remember me like how a
moon remembers to shine the
dark sky.

All our life, we were rough drafts
editing all mistakes throughout the
process hoping that by the day we die,
our story was remembered.

One of the worst things
is wanting someone in your life
but the both of you
are too different
that it's just impossible
to keep them in it.

Saying goodbye isn’t the hard part.

The hard part is the after affect
where I finally realize that they’re gone,
out of my presence.

The hardest part is when I keep
wondering if they miss me as much as I
do and then I suddenly convince
myself that they don’t
because nobody
ever cares as much as I do
and I wish and hope that one day
someone will.

Oh, I really do hope
someday someone will…

I'm in this game of tug of war
with myself.
One moment I want to change
the way I act, because I can be
better, more gentle, more relaxed
and calm
but then again, I love the way I
am, I love my honesty
my quick comebacks,
my jokes, my laughs.

Even if there are improvements
to make I still have
to love what makes me, me.

Seeing past acquaintances and I smile
but it quickly washes always
when I realize that they don't even
acknowledge me anymore.
Or even worse we make eye contact
And you look away.

See, I know change happens all the time,
but I can't seem to accept it.
Simple things shouldn't change, it's
what gives me sanity and hope
but when they change, things are
unbalanced.

There's just something about
people with stories and experience.

How their faces light up talking about how
they met their true love
or their eyes full of mystery when they
remember their first love.

How they smile about the past
or have a look of regret.

How they're so passionate
about everything they do.

There's just something about
it that makes me want to sit and
listen.

You kept saying you were sorry.
You kept saying you were sorry I felt the way I did.
You kept saying sorry for how things  turned out.
I just wanted you to stop.
to stop saying sorry.
You weren't sorry, I knew that.
I guess you didn't know me as much as I thought to know I could handle a solid truth.
An explanation.
I deserved that much. Just that much.

People always leave
yet here I am
still getting attached
still surprised
still disappointed
and still haven't learned.

To act like you know someone,
talking to them and showing them
that you care, but then once
you get your life together
you act as if they were
never in it.

How cruel can you be to do that?
Do you understand how much it hurts?

If I knew that this was how
we were going to end up
I wouldn't have wasted so much
time believing that we were
meant to be in each other's lives.
Instead, you walked out as if
we have never met.

Oh, stupid, stupid girl.
How you believed that boy changed.
With his sweet words, you fell for him again.

But he didn’t change, he lied, and you
believed that he wanted you
but after he left, he put you in misery,
making you over think.
And that’s exactly what he wanted.
Stupid, stupid girl, how he had you fooled.

I wonder what it feels like to
succeed,
to prove someone
wrong.

To see the look on their face,
surprised.

To see all the doubters in
disbelief.

I want them to see the look of my
success
and their failure to bring me
D
o
w
n
.