it started out when we were young. an awkward exchange of hi and hello happened as i sat behind you in class. then it branched out to you and i becoming the oddest pair of friends. we became children who were innocently playing, and doodling, and learning, and creating. we did all these together. we laughed, and cried, and engaged in the peculiar adventures our curious minds cooked for us. until suddenly, you created something confounding in me. it grew and grew and grew. it is wonderful, what you gave me. you are wonderful.

i am sorry i did not realise your wonder until a couple of years after. i could have said it. but the innocence of our childhood slipped away and corruption of the mind crawled in. the years of pubescence emerged. labels were created. i feared rejection, and pain, and loss. the hypothetical loss of what we had if ever i did tell it to you. i feared the judgement of our peers, how they might call me a ****** if ever i would admit it. (not the good kind of ******, either.) i became scared. so i kept it inside. buried it deep and locked it away forever.

forever does not exist. the feeling fought its way up, and unearthed itself from the depth of my being. it grew and grew and grew even more. and by that time, i too, grew. i learnt acceptance and so i accepted it. I never admitted it though, but i vowed to never bury it anymore. it silently stayed on the surface of my being. and every time i saw you, i would say it.

i love you. i told it to you a few years back, when i hugged you for the last time before that year ended, and when i said we would remain the oddest pair of friends. i told it to you when you messaged me something funny and i would burst into a fit of giggles. i told it to you when i invited you to be my plus one during that particular valentines day, and when i expressed my extreme delight as you said yes. i told it to you when i played with your hair. i told it to you when I grabbed your hand and held it like you would suddenly disappear if I let go. i told it to you when i would be left speechless and marvel at your perfect self. i told it to you when i told you who i really was and again when i hugged you after you told me you accepted me. i told it to you every time ever since that moment i realised what you gave me was the feeling of love.

now remains the question: did you ever say it too?