I feel less convicted
I can’t stand for a core
Set of values it seems and
It makes me feel
Unsuccessful
I hear people like Marin
And Chris share their
Political, Moral, Any views.
Streams of logic
(Whether I agree or disagree)
That flow with concern
In earnest
With confidence.
I used to be this way.
Very heavy and deep
Vibrations were needed to
Rattle me.
I am not comfortable feeling like
I cannot share my principles.
I fear I have no principles.
Who am I if I am without principle?
I know what I want my principles to be.
They’re generally liberal.
Mainly about love,
But I don’t feel like a good practitioner
Here in Asia.
After two years I’m still deciding whether
It’s a lack of quality people or quality me.
Probably both, right?
I feel so wide open now that I have
Traveled and used bucket showers,
Seen fire dance sunrises and sets,
An endangered species butchered on its back.
A friend, the best-kind, rise and fall so
Many times before an ultimate
Earth shattering demise.
But also Her death was not her demise.
Beauty thrives, yet, in the darkest depths of
The human experience.
Also:
Impermanence, so.
I sit, so very baffled in
My own existential quandary
(Which prevents me from peace,
usually at night).
Where are the lines?
People see lines.
The lines signal where the
Convictions exist and
I think that once those lines
Become real for a person, there
Is much peace.
I was a different person in
Many ways back when I could
Spar about Anything in a convicted,
Solid way.
Much more firm in my convictions
About virtually everything that hadn’t
Anything to do with ***/uality.
When I hear people speak with conviction,
When I see people stand up for themselves
In a calm, assertive, graceful way,
I envy it and I feel: loss.
Now, if I am in mixed company and I am
Being questioned, I often don’t have the words
(I feel less articulate than ever these days!)
I feel heart palpitations,
An electricity that originates
In my chest and miniature-lightening-bolts
Its way
To my finger tips
(Like Raiden)
When I reprimand my SOC4 students
For being generally disrespectful,
I can always rein it in,
But I feel the heat creep up to my
Adam’s apple,
Just in time for me to save face
I feel more sensitive:
If someone is very direct
In a negative way, it bothers me in
A way that it didn’t before.
Something as simple as
Not being able to reach an
Agreement about what time
To go swimming.
Bianca mentioned on Monday that
We should go swimming on Wednesday
If she could get rid of her chest cold.
She emails me Tuesday night and I say:
“Sure: Is 1:15 ok?”
“Let’s make it 1. Evenskis?”
“I don’t leave my classroom until
12:30 and I will need a minute to eat lunch.
1:30 is even enough?”
“No. You said the other day that you finish
At 12 and I want to get home early with
Enough time for a full hour of swimming.
We don’t have to go swimming together.”
“Uuuuuh. Ok.”
So irksome! ****!
I don’t know how to think about this.
If I am reasonable, it’s:
“Ok. It’s very possible I misspoke about my schedule.
She has her **** going on, I don’t know her
Schedule. What I have going on is not more important
Than what she has going on.
Sometimes things don’t work out.”
But this **** isn’t sitting right with me.
“No.” made my heart sink.
“You said…” made me feel like she was
Using my own words against me.
Because I know that she doesn’t work,
I feel like she is being needlessly inflexible
To exercise control of the situation or to be
A martyr.
Gross!
I feel this way from a simple inability to
Patch a 30 minute window together!
I do not feel as strong as I once did.
I do not feel as social as I once was.
I feel like I am standing on firmer ground,
But this seems to have come with a price.
The Pettiest of **** will either annoy
The **** out of me, or will upset me in a
Way that has me over analyzing the hell out
Of it.
I keep telling myself that there is **** I can do to work
It out. (Liking writing this poem right now. Or talking
To Carla or Heather or Kate).
“Baggage follows you. You can’t leave it on a train platform in Carlsbad.”
That a change of scenery isn’t going to fix it.
But, **** that.
Yes: what is within is very important.
Yes: sorting your **** out will help with outlook and
Perception of environment.
BUT environment is huge too!
Rudolph Giuliani hired a chief of police who
Saw that if you clean a subway car, paint over the graffiti
Every single night,
Graffiti artists will eventually give up.
And taking public transit becomes so much more
Pleasant. People think: “Someone is respecting this space, maybe
I should too.”
And people stop ******* up the subway cars inside and out.
Which leads to people being more likely to pay
Instead of jumping the turnstiles.
Which leads to fewer crimes happening in the underground.
And from there, they deduced that if they made
Neighborhoods less dilapidated and invested time, money
And consistency into maintaining the environment, ****** rates plummet!
Which they did because the movement Tipped.
So there’s that.
Give me a beach and warm, clean air.
Give me a mountain and a lake, hiking trails and occasional tokes.
Give me CLEAN AIR! Please. ****.
Give me people who smile and don’t trample one another.
Give me people who do not hate or ignore one another.
Give me community.
Give me a people who accept who I am.
~~~
I am exchanging intelligence for wisdom.
And so I soften.