So many pathetic little souls ~
To scared to be alone ~
Running behind some-ones *** ~
For the idea of love?!
When will they learn ~
Love only brings heart ache and pain!
You need to learn to stand alone!
Happiness comes in bag
Or inside yourself!
No need for emotional dependency!
You honestly believe that is ****?

Pain has a way of doing that to us
If it's left unresolved
You can Forget what you were Created for..
That's not something God wants for Any of us..

That's why we have our obstacles -
God is giving us Flying Lessons

Breath of Life
Creativity - Action
Breath of Life

Love is Meant to Exist
For Internal Relationship
That's All we Want
&
that's
All we Need...

Even if You Cannot See it

You are in the Centre
Of our universe,
LOVE & PURPOSE

As beautiful as All is
It is Nothing Compared
To This Love

Those without love
Need no more Punish


They Scar Themselves...

I do not want to leave you
Or ever completely loose you

I want to be by your side
One day when youre completely sinile, old & blind..

I want you to live a complete life
Filled full with smiles#

I wish you someone
That can fill all the holes & cracks
In areas where I lacked...

My person you may be
But my love does not complete you
My rights are wrong for you

How can I ever be
The One
For you?

What will come from not making the effort...??

Nothing ~ absolutely nothing..

Till it all fades away
And  it becomes only a pigment of your imagination

Then you stand there and wonder  why          
But never made the time

And what will come from this poem...

Nothing absolutely nothing

And yet I do not understand how one can love me so deeply.. When I feel I am not worthy..
For the way I love ... I'd much rather see them happy receiving the love they deserve ~ Even if it breaks my Soul and shutter my being into pieces..
You deserve so much more than what I have to offer...

"Inner Peace"* is Nothing Else But merely the utter Tolorance & Acceptance of Whatever ******* ******* Life Decides to Trow at You!!!!

Darkness
Emptiness
Loneliness

Faithless

Sorrow
Pain
Grief
Loss

Love

These are the things that changes who you are...

First I thought history was repeating itself
Sho obviously it was me who's lesson had to be learned..

As I criticize myself, old habits resurface
Insecurities return...

History Repeats Itself!

And with that realization.. I started doubting my self worth

Which led to me straight back to that
One thing
Very one thing...

That makes me
     QUINCH!

We get blessed with these precious gifts
Our kids
While we are still kids ourselves
Not having our **** together
Not been raised to grow up at all
Adults not even knowing the difference between rights and wrongs
Living life just coping
Barely surviving

How are we suppose to raise them
Without them breaking
******* up the one thing
That should be most important
For them not to feel the way we did growing up
Not to make the same mistakes our parents did

How are we suppose to school them
If we got tought the wrong way
Our childhood left us in pieces
How do I pick up the pieces
Whilst having all this responsibility
Still trying to find ourselves
And not **** up what we got blessed with
Always doing our best
Yet it never feels enough
Always failing
Not being able to give them the lives they deserve
Which we never had
What we still strive for...

We should raise them
I guess..
To be everything you will never be..

My son means the world to me
And you almost mean as much

I cannot help but wonder
Why you'd move to her so quickly
But you never did the same for me
Although I always begged you

It has no relevance
You happy now
For that I'd always be thankful

Wish I could be there with you
For you..

But I know
You know
I will always love you..

And every night you crawl in bed
And feel the warmth of body heat
Either from your husband or your wife...
Remember Me...!

In the morning when you wake
And you are - not alone..
I hope you remember Me ..!!

When it's time to leave for work
Together - or naybe even separately ...
Kiss each other on the cheeck
And remember Me!

When you have some Great news
Excited to inform
Him... Or Her...
Get on that phone and start dialing...
I hope you think of me..

Take the good with the bad
Your heart is feeling sad
Whilst you being comforted
With a loving shoulder to cry on
I hope you remember Me...

When both of you receive that text
Not just One - but Two
Income salaries have been received
I Hope you think of me...!!

And when you pay your bills
Everything split in two's
I hope you remember me
& my kids!!

Once you realize your own flaws
No one can use them against you
That is not true

You are your own worst enemy
Once those flaws are made visible
When they become clear to you
That is when you fall

Opening your eyes
To what have been
And what may come
Is the biggest mistake of all

You start living in fear
Not to indulge in the pleasurable sins
You become to scared to actually live

We are all human
And no body ain't perfect
Mistakes let you learn
They make you grow

Do not let the past be held against you
It is that what shaped you...

There's a uncontrollable sadness in my heart
Its killing me to leave you behind
Feels like I'm doing this all wrong
But its for my future I need to stay strong
Loving you for all the right reasons
What we have between us is so scares
Not sure if I will ever find a happiness like ours again
Just hope this will be all woth it in the end
I don't mind putting my own happiness aside
Just hoping you'll find yours along the way
Me leaving you for the wrong reasons
should prove I'm not worth your time

Expressing my feelings is so hard
The one place where I felt safe
Has been jeopardized

Like all aspects of life
I loose that close to my heart
To the most unexpected

I always preach
Happiness come from within
But what If you have a broken heart
That can not be easily fixed

I don't often feel safe
Only a few got it right

Yet, they are no longer here
Some left in a hurry
The others are in heaven

One day..
I will be up there
And feel safe in His arms

Memories of Overwhelming Joy
             Profound Sadness...
                        Gravity
Pride
Grief
Dispear
Remorse
Passion
Regret

Regret...

Regret

The Strongest Memories ~
We Keep
&
Safeguard
With us! ~ at All Times..

                 Are
                     Ones of

                            *LOVE!

Its been s0 l0ng
Maybe too l0ng..

There's always been a reason
For mY being..

Love has brought me too much pain

Trust in n0 one I'm able t0 gain

Em0ti0nless
Loveless
Is da way I wanna stay..

Feeling for an0ther
Causes too much pain

This way I stay free
Its always just about Me
The hurt
Will neva agen be..

Can u see what I mean..

I'm trying to sAve mE!

After all these years
Being my best friend
&
My person...

Why did you have to break me
So ugly
If all you could've done
Was say
You didn't want me

I'm doing it again
Running away
Putting others peoples problems, opinions and well being
Above my own

I don't like to see people suffer
Or hurt in the slightest way

Yet their opinions of me
Is greater than my own?

I know my heart is golden
My intentions are pure

Yet I'm still worried
How they see me?

I don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going either

My future has never been this uncertain!

I'm fighting a loosing battle
My thoughts are killing me

Yet I'm not getting to a conclusion
It causing more confusion

I do not even have a clue
What the problem might be

Can't go digging in the past
Too scared of what I'll find

I do not want to leave you
Or ever completely loose you

I want to be by your side
One day when you're completely senile, old & blind..

I want you to live a complete life
Filled full with smiles

I wish you someone
That can fill all the holes & cracks
In areas where I lacked...

My person you may be
But my love does not complete you
My rights are wrong for you

How can I Ever be
"The One"
to you?
How will i Ever be
.. Right for You?

Once you Stop doing things to please others & Start doing things for Yourself, selfishly so... Only then ~ Will Those Things work out for YOU!!!

Because of you
I've learnt to
Punish Myself
       ... Alone...

My heart can think it is a race horse
                                while my mind is running marathons..

But when i look into those beautiful green eyes..
                                 it all starts to fall...

The leaves carried in the wind
                                    moves in slow - mo - tion -

Then you put your hand on my face
                                   and start caressing my lips...
                  
                         It is Then...
                                   When the Whole World...
                                                   Just....
                                                          Disappears.....

I told you i love you
with every fibre of my being
When you left
You took all of me with you...

Now I'm left with an empty shell...

We're sailing the same boat
Captains of our own ships
Steering in opposite directions
Slowly going nowhere

Razor sharp winds
Cutting through my skin
Going straight into my soul
Its going for the ****

How dare I throw out a lifesaver
While we're busy drowning
Just forget about the world
Be selfish - you are more important

It starts at home they say
Home is the open sea
But the oceans bares so many secrets
Just one more wreck forgotten underneath

Getting sober has been fun
As being fuckt
It has its pro's and cons
Being fuckt
I knew myself
A was a cold hearted *****
Emotionless I was free
Being sober
Is a whole different me
Its all New
And I can Feel
Being sober
I have realized
Nothing else makes sense
Being without you
Its useless being sober

Steer stern
Steer Clear
Steer
As long as you
Steer ~ .. Clear....(clearlllyyy free )
AWAY....
from all this ...
*******!!

Everyone is gone
My house or home is empty
So is my heart..

This is what I wanted
Yet I'm crying..
Its too quiet?

Don't know how this is gonna end
How long will it take
For a broken heart to mend?

Loosing you ~
Is not my intention
But this is what i have to do

In order to find ME

You can never really find yourself
To Grow
If you do not go off the rails
And get a bit lost..

You need to be lost
In order to be found.

If found
You were never lost
And cannot  continue to grow..

As we walk through the forest
Hand in hand
Both with our white dresses on
The big orange moon up in the sky
Glowing of our beauty
Brighter than the stars
There we stand at the council
As we are blessed with the first day of our lives
The start of our future
As we say I do and kiss
Crowds cheering with tears of happiness
We sign the register just to make it legal
Never has it crossed our minds that one day  we will sign again
Just to make it final
As we walk our separate ways
The sun's reflection on the lake
Deep down inside
Wishing we still felt the same...
  As that moment at the alter...

Peace & quiet ~
resting my soul~
thoughts keep wondering ~
need direction though ~
my heart keeps pounding ~
its you I wanna hold!

It's not you
It's me
I carry a broken soul around

Doing everything I possibly can
To fill the empty holes Inside

Give me what you got
I will take it all
Just to fill the empty cracks

This beating heart of mine
Weighs in heavy and hard
As it carries all these burdens
No one sees outside

Wear that mask
Make them proud
Die a little more inside..

Binne d vlgde 20 min verjaar jy ~ jy word ouer ~ nog 'n jaar verby ~ waisted! Or so it feels! Ma net vi een rede... Its another year I did not spend with you!!! Jys my love at first sight! The love of my life!! And I'm not there wif you!!!! Ek hoop mt my hele hart ~ jy geniet jou aand! Weet net ek sit hier ~ en **** an jo wens ek was daar saam mt jo!!! Happy birthday!!

The thought of no past relationship
Has crossed my mind since the day I met you!

You've been my blessing from above
The one who showed me True Love!

Solely changed my views on marraige
And building a future with someone new

This 'New Feeling' has me falling..
More deeply inlove with Life

Never knew a happiness like this existed
You made me see what love is

Dreaming of soft, caring, kind love
You proved it is real

A more beautiful love than ours
Is only found in heaven

I'm writing without thinking
These words are just flowing out of my heart!
Don't know if any makes any sense?
Or even has a rhyme?!

All I want to say is THANK YOU!!

THANK YOU for who you are to me!
And THANK YOU for loving me the way you do!!

<3

I use to be that one
Most people respected
And looked up to

Everyone wanted to know me
Some wanted to be me
And I'm not vain by saying so

I feel different now
I've lost my sense of direction
I've lost my smile
I've lost my voice

I'm just existing now
Not living anymore
I use to have a cause
Now I'm just lost

I no longer have my own opinion
I don't know what I feel
I have lost my ambition
I've given up on me

I use to bring smiles
Now all I see is tears
What happened to me?
How did I become this mean??

There's a song in my heart
I cannot sing
Only because
You're not here with me yet

So many things left unsaid
So many words spoken in gest
Was it all truth
Or have I been deceived

I have gone through my process
Something you've been lingering on
I got clean
But I cannot really see a difference in you

Why am I still sitting here
Waiting for you to come home
Have I been blinded
By the one thing I never believed in

Love is blind
I believe it now

I wish I could Tell the Whole Story..
But i can't..
I had Help..
Therefore, I Only have Half the Story.
Rest needs come from Who ever You Share Your Story with..  

There's some Mercy ~

                                   that Memories Fade as well...

For I'm a lesbian
Yes its true
I like women
With long black hair
Just like me!

For I like girls
Soft and sweet
With lips like candy
And bitter sweet symphonies

I'm a lesbian
More Proud I couldn't be
And I really don't care
If you think any less of me

For I like women
With beautiful eyes
Staring back at me
Soft smooth skin to touch
And make me feel so loved

For I love you
My number one
My one and only...
Its with you I wanna be
And spend my life with YOU!

Been doing absolutely great
Emotionally and physically
Been great feeling like this again!

But being me...
Always seems to happen..
Always so weak!

Happy days and happy thoughts
Spontaneous and vibrant
Being the good me

But the other me
Just kicks in unexpectedly
Out of nowhere
I am weak

I love waking up
My son crawls into bed next me
Little birdy and monster kisses
Starts our day fantastically

Then she reappears
Changes everything
Dynamics to personalities..
She becomes weak..

Waking up is no longer easy
Dreadful to say the least
Fun drawn out of me

Miserable days
That lasts for weeks...

When will she realize this is not me!
This is who I do not want to be...

Will it be too much
To tell the world I don’t want to live?
Will they understand
Will I just be judged?

In a world so busy
Where I am so numb
Never thought I would get this way again…
This time I don’t understand..

I never wanted this
I believed in love again…
Now its all gone…
Again

No feeling inside
No tears to cry
No love to give
Nor to receive…

Will it be too much
To tell the world I don’t want to live
Will they understand
Or will I just be judged…???


this world is just too much...

You're not

Perfect

But then

Perfect
is
the
Enemy
of
Good...

The thought of You
Should put a smile on my face
But instead ~
It brings tears to my eyes…
\
Loving you is all I want to do
Want to bring the sun and moon to you...
Give you all the stars in the sky…
And make you smile!

Are we willing?
To put our feelings aside..??
Live a Lie..?
Is that really Living?

What are we doing this for?
Not to hurt another’s soul??
Them be happy… ~
And we live life being sad…

If I could turn back
The hands of time
If only I knew back then
What I know now!

Its all in the kiss they say..
For now I know its true!
Thinking of that night..
Wish I never said good bye!

Maybe there would’ve been
  ~ a “You and I..”  ~

Browsing through my memories
Everywhere I'm seeing you
You've been apart of my world
For so many years

I've had some wise times
Some dark times
Good times
And bad times times

You were there
Through it all

Now I have no more time

She changes

With the Moon & the Sun..

Who you think she is..
Whether it is when the Sun shines bright
or
when the Moon & Stars are smiling upon us...

~The Real~

behind all those different masks..
At different times..
Towards different relations..

Will be close to impossible

To uncover

from all those layers of
Self destruction
Self defences
Self protection
Self loath
Self love
Self Hide..

And /or any of the above!

Discovering who She Really is...

Will be the Greatest of Challenges
& Hardest of Tasks..

But the Most Exhilarating
Time of Your Life!

Broken hearts ~ mend in Time!
Time heals all wounds!
So chin up and smile!
All will get better in a little while!

Our whole entire existence
We've been preparing the
The Day
Whether it is yours
We celebrating
Or my own...

We've been waiting for it
Expecting it
Since the first time we were born
Now the last day has come eventually

Whether you were striving for wisdom, knowledge, wealth, health or tender care..
Love...

Every choice you made up til now
Has prepared the legacy you now leave behind..

You may leave money
You may leave nothing
As long as you made an impact on those who are spared

Whatever it is
That brought your own personal
Success
I hope  you travel to your next destination
Content with life's despair..

Whether you drink
Whatever you smoke
Whatever you take up your nose
Or have to inject

I hope you leave this world
Knowing you did
...do your utmost best

You never stopped trying
Never gave up
You held on for dear life
Till it was enough

Before your soul
Finds its fitting place
Whether in chaos
Or at
.. peace...

Forgiveness is the key

Self love
Will set you free..

Your "little breakdown"
Revealed the truth
Of your
Ugly
Soul

All your absurd accusations
Was a mirror
To your own web of deceit

All your insecurities
Was the reflection
Of your own actions

All the ugliness you see
Is not this world

It is You!!!

Your "temporary insanity"
Was the true reflection
Of how ugly the
Universe is
Within
You!

You may Not have met me Yet..
But believe it or not -
I've met You!

And if you can Trust Me
                           I can Help You ...

*Change Your Story!

I do not understand
Why God made me this way
Two persons, personalities
Head and heart
One body...

Good and bad
Saint and evil

Heart of gold
And heart of stone

Compationate
Then ice cold

Loving and caring
To not giving a ****

Conviction. Contradiction
Wish one could win

Put all this confusion to an end

No one looks at me the way she does
Her eyes stares into my soul
The glares makes me feel the unknown
Forbidden love that feels so real

Its like both just know
We can be so bad for each other if together
Yet we both just strive to bring out the best in the other

Sharing the same weaknesses
Going through the same difficulties
We are our own addiction
Motivation to stay clean is the love for each other

We are just two **** junkies trying to stay clean
Our love for our drug should pull us apart
Yet it makes us cling to each other in the hope recovery will last

I don't know how sane this is
But it works for us currently
Everything in this moment is exactly how its suppose to be..