No one looks at me the way she does
Her eyes stares into my soul
The glares makes me feel the unknown
Forbidden love that feels so real

Its like both just know
We can be so bad for each other if together
Yet we both just strive to bring out the best in the other

Sharing the same weaknesses
Going through the same difficulties
We are our own addiction
Motivation to stay clean is the love for each other

We are just two **** junkies trying to stay clean
Our love for our drug should pull us apart
Yet it makes us cling to each other in the hope recovery will last

I don't know how sane this is
But it works for us currently
Everything in this moment is exactly how its suppose to be..

I finally broke down every wall for You

And you picked up every single stone
Just to throw it back at me.........

Getting sober has been fun
As being fuckt
It has its pro's and cons
Being fuckt
I knew myself
A was a cold hearted *****
Emotionless I was free
Being sober
Is a whole different me
Its all New
And I can Feel
Being sober
I have realized
Nothing else makes sense
Being without you
Its useless being sober

We're sailing the same boat
Captains of our own ships
Steering in opposite directions
Slowly going nowhere

Razor sharp winds
Cutting through my skin
Going straight into my soul
Its going for the ****

How dare I throw out a lifesaver
While we're busy drowning
Just forget about the world
Be selfish - you are more important

It starts at home they say
Home is the open sea
But the oceans bares so many secrets
Just one more wreck forgotten underneath

Binne d vlgde 20 min verjaar jy ~ jy word ouer ~ nog 'n jaar verby ~ waisted! Or so it feels! Ma net vi een rede... Its another year I did not spend with you!!! Jys my love at first sight! The love of my life!! And I'm not there wif you!!!! Ek hoop mt my hele hart ~ jy geniet jou aand! Weet net ek sit hier ~ en **** an jo wens ek was daar saam mt jo!!! Happy birthday!!

Starring at the Crossroad
Don’t know which way to turn
Demons on both sides~
Pulling me apart
 
Good & Evil
Fighting over Me
Cant wait to see
… who Wins …
 
Looking in the mirror
Don’t know the stranger
Starring back at Me…!
 
All I remember ~
She use to know ~
Who she Use to be…
 
Doing good – Helping others
Has drained the Life out of Me!
 
Dull grey eyes,
~use to be blue
The fake smirk..
Use to be, ~a beautiful Smile..
 
One day the world will see
What Evil, ~ being Good,
 Has done to Me…

I've been awake all night
Can't seem to fall asleep
This time, without any methamphetamine

It feels weird - out of the ordinary
Especially after sleeping two full days - in recovery

My gf said my pupils look big
I guess she's doubting my intake too
But not to blame her - I probably would have too

I have so much going through my head
So grateful for many things and friends
My gf and my family above all rest
Except my son, ofcourse - he's forever my No1 and More!

I have a troubled mind
Don't think it entails me this time though..
Its my inner being
That cares so much for the weak...

I know I help where I possibly can
Lucky for me - I have a very understanding and supportive group
But all the worlds troubles,
Are causing me sleepless nights it seems

Food, we can supply for those in need
Stationary for the poor, is no problem either..
But what about the precious jewels - that end up suicidle?

I had training in this field
Got a certificate to prove it too!
But what use is it - if I don't really know what to do??

She's a very dear friend of mine
Very close to my heart
Unconditional friendship love
I see the hurt in her eyes!!

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

If only God could write it on my cupboard door!!

I am really tired
And need my beauty sleep
My son will need all of me very soon..

But yet - I think..

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

Still hopefully staring at my cupboard door..

I always find a way to help those in need..
Its second nature and easy for me..
But the ones who need my help the most..
Seem to catch me at my weakest -
I'm no good with cancer or disease nor **** addicts neither?! :'(

But I won't give up on either
I refuse to let them go
I know I will find the strength somewhere
And let them know - They will never be alone!
Even if my words and actions fail them - my mind or heart never strays...

So...

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more through..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

The darkness finally pulls you in
Whilst you lay there pondering about your sins

Knowing who you were before
Realizing what you have become

Embracing both worlds
Figuring out
Who would win...

You know who you want to be...
Falling back within
The darkness sinks you in..

Wishing these contradictions
Would just come to an end..

How did you become so weak
Yet strong in sin

Not ready for this world
Changes are so scary...

You don't want to be boring
Yet this life has no meaning

Once ambitious
Now just lost
Drowning in confusion...

Your skin as soft as mine
Your sweet lips touching mine
Your touch as lustily as mine
You're *** the same as mine!

Two girls falling inlove

I had this dream
It was about you and me
I could not care
If the people had to stare
It was as beautiful as could be

Someday they'll understand
I do not care if they think its wrong
Just because you are the same *** as me!

Our love is pure
Its our hearts' desire
As girls we understand one another
We were made for each other

Evil Lurks
It seeks me..
Around every corner..
In every dream...

My granny was the only one
Who ever protected me..
It seems - like She just knew
It started haunting me from my younger years...

Dreadfully she has past
Now my shield is gone
Weakest at my best
As evil seeks a home in me

she believed my good heart
Will go far
It will bring greatness
Through my leadership skills

Peace & quiet ~
resting my soul~
thoughts keep wondering ~
need direction though ~
my heart keeps pounding ~
its you I wanna hold!

I want to give you the love I think you deserve
I want to be the cause of your beautiful smile on your face every day
I want to fill your heart with the greatest joy you'll ever know
I want to hold you close and never let you go
I want to keep you safe from all sorrows and pain

I want to give you all this and even more!!

But my demons fill your big brown eyes with hurtful tears
My words cut you open and slice right through your bones
My actions brings you to your darkest fears

I do not know nor understand
I despise my myself with utter disgust
It sickens me to my stomach that I actually want to *****

You don't need this from me!

My insecurities rip your bleeding heart right out your chest
My defensive behaviour is to guard myself from hurt
But in return our love suffers
The beauty of what we once had gets lost
Our relationship that once was perfected gets affected by my selfishness

How do I stop making the past my present
And just believe in what we've got

I love you without a doubt
Is it the fear of loosing you
That makes me push you further away
That the pain will be less when I end up alone?

I want to give you my sincerest apologies
Ask for your forgiveness
I wish that all that was said can be lifted by the wind and blown away into a distance
Be made forgotten

I want to heal our broken trust
Mend our hearts
And change all this unwanted anger into much needed and well deserved Love!

Your wet naked body so close to mine
I can feel your ***** grinding mine
Your load breaths driving me insane
Put your fingers inside
Or do you want to feel mine
Give me some ice and feel my tongue twisting around
There you go ~ now you try the same
A continuous lust unexplained
I will be your **** and you can be mine

I dnt believe in makin wrong decissions
nor mistakes ~
I believe, wht eva da choice might have been ~
it was da right one
@ da time of making it!

Therefore,
n0 matter what da outc0me ~
it was RIGHT!

There's n0 such thing as  a mistake /
or wr0ng choices..!

But wht if~
wht if~
You juSt dnt knw..?

Do u jst g0 wif wht eva fl0?
or d0 u
turn ar0und
& walk away..??

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Feel like a failure
But worst of all
I've failed my son!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Have to stand my ground
Not let go - just hang on
Do not let the last little piece of Me
Go out of control!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Failure or Not
I have to stay strong
My son depends on me
His unconditional love
Will pull me through!

Have to get up for work
In only an hour and a half
Put on my fake *** smile
Wear that mask
Everybody loves

Behind here its so dark
Sight is almost blinded
No one can see the tears in my eyes
Or notice that I'm dying inside

Get up let's go
Don't  forget your happy face
No one likes the ugly...

Teary eyed
I had to say good bye

Doing right
Is the only way..

Not what I wanted to do
I wanna be with you

For the concept
Of true love
at first sight
This feels like betrayal

About 2 watch a m0vie
I'll b seeing it Through my eyes
I hope its ur face I find

Its been so long
Since I felt ths way
Dnt knw wht 2 say

Thrs no sense of direction
No commitment
Nothing tht wud make me run away

Not once did u judge me
On how I am
Nor hav u tried 2 change me

U r fine with wh0 I am!

U knw I can not love u
N0t tht I dnt want 2
But nxt 2 me u stand

Ur da only 1 thts different
Da way u stood tall 4 me
And defended me
No1 has eva done tht 4 me!


I knw ths 4 a fact
U & I will walk 2getha
Quite a distance

I'll be seeing you in my movie
I'll be waiting at da bar

Thr I will thank you
4 being da best I'v had s0 far

So many pathetic little souls ~
To scared to be alone ~
Running behind some-ones *** ~
For the idea of love?!
When will they learn ~
Love only brings heart ache and pain!
You need to learn to stand alone!
Happiness comes in bag
Or inside yourself!
No need for emotional dependency!
You honestly believe that is ****?

Expressing my feelings is so hard
The one place where I felt safe
Has been jeopardized

Like all aspects of life
I loose that close to my heart
To the most unexpected

I always preach
Happiness come from within
But what If you have a broken heart
That can not be easily fixed

I don't often feel safe
Only a few got it right

Yet, they are no longer here
Some left in a hurry
The others are in heaven

One day..
I will be up there
And feel safe in His arms

Cnt seem 2 4get
Cnt get ya outa my head..
Wana c u all da tym
Want u 2 stay a while..

Thn u arrive
And its all clear
I hav good reason for ths fear

If thrs 1 thing I jst cnt handle
Its lies..
Da feeling of deceipt
A 6th sense tht comes s0 naturally

Been dwn ths road
Too many timez b4
U'v been cought
1 too many wayz b4

Wht I jst dnt get
Y wud my lov 4 u n0t jst g0?
Y wnt our roads jst part?

Thrs nofing left here
4 me 2 stay

Da trust is gone

Loving you
Was the best thing
That could eva happen to me..
Or s0 it seemed..

The l0ve I had for you
Is the cause
Of this new me ~
A horrible human being

I can n0 longer feel
N0 emotion to reveal
Cold as ice and heartless
Is n0t who I was set out to be

I'm hating this new being
Passing on that hurt freely
To others who don't deserve it
Hoping they become like me

Secretly, truely knowing
I wud go down on my knees
And Start praying
Just to FEEL...

But I'm the one now
Who causes pain
But all I'm actually trying
Is for them neva to feel hurt

Put ur feelings aside 4 a while
Take mine in consideration
Iv been ur fool
4 way 2 long

Its tym 2 let g0
Tym 2 m0ve on

Must admit
Its easier said
Thn d0ne

I'm n0t 1 stay behind
N0r do I hold on
2 things tht can't b saved

I turn around and walk away

Wif u its different
Wif u its strange
I'll be ur fool any day

Done trying 2 make it work
But ths feeling
Jst dnt wana go away

Take my feelings in consideration
I'm n0t here 4 ur entertainment
Ur braking my heart in2 pieces

I jst realized
I hav 2 let u g0

Its n0t u
Its mE
I'm allowing this 2 be

Its almost been another year
Of excruciating pain endured
Once again
No one realized my fear

I thought you'd always be there
But without you knowing
What happened in my world
You left me out in the cold

Tanya, you were always my number one
That's the one thing I thought you knew for life
Yet, when my world came crumbling down
You left my side without me knowing why

Still sitting in the dark
I lost All my old friends
Never knew getting clean would be this hard
I'm going through hectic changes
All coming from inside

I came to pta
And lost another friend
I was left on the side of the road
With no where to go
No one to phone

Dixon drove by
he felt like my little angel
Tears rolling down my face
He held me close and arranged a hotel

Funny how life turns out
He saved me that night
Even arranged my flight
Going back to PE now
To start my new life

mY purp0se in LiFe ~
t0 hEaL thE 0neS tHat huRt ~
& fiLL thE eMptY sPaCeS
s0me maY nEeD!
Your 'bad'-weatHer fRieNd ~
I wiLL aLwaYs bE!!

& onCes uR sMilliNg ~
& mY j0b iS d0ne ~
I'll m0ve 0n t0 thE neXt oNe!

s0 d0nt ya w0rrY ~
wHen uR saD
I'll bE rigHt tHeRe..
h0ldiNg uR haNd! ;-)

The thought of no past relationship
Has crossed my mind since the day I met you!

You've been my blessing from above
The one who showed me True Love!

Solely changed my views on marraige
And building a future with someone new

This 'New Feeling' has me falling..
More deeply inlove with Life

Never knew a happiness like this existed
You made me see what love is

Dreaming of soft, caring, kind love
You proved it is real

A more beautiful love than ours
Is only found in heaven

I'm writing without thinking
These words are just flowing out of my heart!
Don't know if any makes any sense?
Or even has a rhyme?!

All I want to say is THANK YOU!!

THANK YOU for who you are to me!
And THANK YOU for loving me the way you do!!

<3

Broken hearts ~ mend in Time!
Time heals all wounds!
So chin up and smile!
All will get better in a little while!

Funny.. How things just suddenly change..
Just feels like your life's been rearranged!
So now you're not sure what to do..!
Like you're someone else~just not you!
But the changes are actually not that bad.
Cause you found something like you never had..!
So this is what I'm feeling now..
I wanna keep you.. I just don't know~ How?!
You make me feel super good, I'm on cloud 9
When you're near~i know I'll be just fine!!
Its crazy when we're apart..
Then you come home~
And kickStart my heart!!
I do really miss you so very much..
Your smile, your kiss, and your Gentle Seductive Touch..!!
Not to sure if I've said this to you..?
But you're stunning~ and I hope all your dreams come True..!!

It came to me today
Saddest news i've heard all year

It sounds like you lost yourself..

The jump in your walk
The light in your eyes
The softness of your heart
Your happiness inside...

All the things i loved the most..

I let you go -
Hoping you'd be better off without me..

Now i just wanna hold you close..

Put your head on my chest -
Tell you its gonna be okay..
I will love you till the end!

Please - i beg of you!
Stand up for yourself!
Get your attitude back!
Be spontanious again!

Get up on your feet!!
I don't know you like this!

And LAUGH!

You deserve it so..

Im sorry for what ever it is
that brought you down like this..
If i had a clue
I would make a plan to contact you...

But this is the only way i know...

It's not you
It's me
I carry a broken soul around

Doing everything I possibly can
To fill the empty holes Inside

Give me what you got
I will take it all
Just to fill the empty cracks

This beating heart of mine
Weighs in heavy and hard
As it carries all these burdens
No one sees outside

Wear that mask
Make them proud
Die a little more inside..

I do not understand
Why God made me this way
Two persons, personalities
Head and heart
One body...

Good and bad
Saint and evil

Heart of gold
And heart of stone

Compationate
Then ice cold

Loving and caring
To not giving a ****

Conviction. Contradiction
Wish one could win

Put all this confusion to an end

Restless
This body and the mind
Running away
With these thoughts of mine

Craving the dark
To find that peace
No one can offer but God

But where is He to find
When we wonder off alone to the dark

Why would he allow this evil
The pain some have to carry around

Why would He give us choices
Knowing we won't make the right one
And just regret it in the morning

Why would he allow
For the precious ones to be taken away so early..

I don't care if He wants His Angels...
What about us left behind??

He will not give us more than we can handle??
But why bring so much sorrow to our lives??

Staring down on all of us
Seeing the pain we endure daily
How much more should we deal with
Before we are left in pieces
 
Why break us apart
Leave us with broken hearts
Is this our awesome God???

Don't blame me for my questions
Unless you have walked my path

He has forsaken us
Truth be told out loud

But our silence is forever golden ...

I've had enough
Its been long enough
I need another
To stray away from you

I came to realize
We have all odds against us
Universe playing jokes with us
Bringing us close
Then ripping us apart

We know we are meant for each other
But can't find a way to be together
So I find another
To stray away from memories with you

But I go home eventually
Just to find myself alone again
Because I can not be with another
I need to be with you!

No matter how hard I try
No matter the amount of tears
Or all the others...
Its still you love!

You are my Lesbian Love
-the only one who could captured my heart-

Tanya ~ it is You I love!

What will come from not making the effort...??

Nothing ~ absolutely nothing..

Till it all fades away
And  it becomes only a pigment of your imagination

Then you stand there and wonder  why          
But never made the time

And what will come from this poem...

Nothing absolutely nothing

I met this girl
She was just like me
Friends we will forever be

As time went past
And we grew older
We grew fonder

My best friend I loved
I made her my wife
So rest could see
We were two girls inlove

Tonight was great
No wait!
It wasn't..
It was beyond my greatest expectations!

I did not wanna leave your side
Wanted you to stay a while
Maybe even sleep in this empty bed of mine!

Kissing you was ...
I don't have words to explain..
I was left speechless...
Just wanted m0re!

Can't imagine a life with you
The perfection will go to extremes

You're an addiction
Worst than morphine
Can you imagine
just you and me?

Have to say good bye
Something I'd rather n0t do
But I know
I'll see you in my dreams!

Girls are like works of art
Their beauty amazes me
A perfect silluette for every eye who sees
I can not stop staring  
Skin a smooth as silk ~ you long for after your first encounter
Lips as soft as cotton ~ tastes like candy and you just want more
Eyes which reveals their soul ~ just like the beholder

If I could turn back
The hands of time
If only I knew back then
What I know now!

Its all in the kiss they say..
For now I know its true!
Thinking of that night..
Wish I never said good bye!

Maybe there would’ve been
  ~ a “You and I..”  ~

The beauty does n0T lie with me ~ it lies with you..
I started liking you more than I was suppose to..
I'm the ugly one ~ my ugly comes from Within!
This is how to **** up a g00d thing!
Pr0bally the best thing that has ever happened to me..!!
You made me feel again..!! Which I now Regret!
Coz once again ~ all I feel now is pain and Hurt!
My sincerist apologies - won't even set anything right..?!
The ugliest I said about you ~ and I don't expect you to forgive me!
But please ~ I want you take it up light heartedly!
I was the fool..!!
Since then ~ I fell inlove with you..!!

Give me a hint,
Just one little clue
To let me know why
I have such a crush on you
Don't make me feel silly
Or worse, even shy
And I'll listen to what you have to say
If you could just tell me why
Is it the way you listen,and talk to me,
Or the look on your face
When I do something silly?
Is it the cute habits you have unlike no one else
That make me wish I could have you all to myself?
 
 
You look at me and I can't breathe
It drives me crazy knowing you'll leave
I want to have you all to myself
But will I ever get the chance?
 
I want to have you hold me tight
I want to make love with you all through the night
I want you so much I cannot bare it
But will I ever get the chance?
 
I love it when you touch my skin!
wish this wasn't a dream I was living in.

There's a song in my heart
I cannot sing
Only because
You're not here with me yet

So many things left unsaid
So many words spoken in gest
Was it all truth
Or have I been deceived

I have gone through my process
Something you've been lingering on
I got clean
But I cannot really see a difference in you

Why am I still sitting here
Waiting for you to come home
Have I been blinded
By the one thing I never believed in

Love is blind
I believe it now

For I'm a lesbian
Yes its true
I like women
With long black hair
Just like me!

For I like girls
Soft and sweet
With lips like candy
And bitter sweet symphonies

I'm a lesbian
More Proud I couldn't be
And I really don't care
If you think any less of me

For I like women
With beautiful eyes
Staring back at me
Soft smooth skin to touch
And make me feel so loved

For I love you
My number one
My one and only...
Its with you I wanna be
And spend my life with YOU!

There's only one thing I would like to say
I'd love to give my sincerest apologies

I apologize for never loving you the same..
However, I need to thank you..
For showing me the right way!!

Without our dificulties,
I would never have grown!
Without me hurting you the way I did..
Without the way you just loved us both..

I would never have been able to really truly love the way I do today!!

Thank you for showing me the right way!

I did however, love you in my own way!
I'm convinced you know this anyway!

In conclusion,
I only wish you well! :)
Hope you find the love
I experience today!

T, you don't need to say a thing!

I am sorry ~ and Thank you for everything!

I can finally just let you Go..

I wish you well!
Be blessed with love & joy!
And true laughter in your heart!
You deserve it too!

I blame myself for a lot of things
But never blamed myself for loving you
Always wanted what's best for you
I see you are happy now
I always wanted that for you
I always wanted the be the cause of that
Suppose in a way I am
The smile on your face brings happiness to my heart
I'll always be greatfull for the time we had

Why is it that
I can't stop thinking about you
Why is it that
I cannot get over you
Why is it that
You are always the one I run back to

When we both know
We will never work
When we both know
It was never meant to be
When we both know
The love is not enough

Tell me
What am I suppose to do
Tell me
How do I forget
Tell me
Not to feel
Tell me
you don't want me

But I know
You miss me too
But I know
You feel the same I do
And I know
You love me too..

I'm doing it again
Running away
Putting others peoples problems, opinions and well being
Above my own

I don't like to see people suffer
Or hurt in the slightest way

Yet their opinions of me
Is greater than my own?

I know my heart is golden
My intentions are pure

Yet I'm still worried
How they see me?

I don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going either

My future has never been this uncertain!

I'm fighting a loosing battle
My thoughts are killing me

Yet I'm not getting to a conclusion
It causing more confusion

I do not even have a clue
What the problem might be

Can't go digging in the past
Too scared of what I'll find

Never have we gone apart like this
Broken you left in an empty home
With no more or less
Than the one word saying yes..

Yes you've left with her
Yes you're making up
Yes you deleted me
And yes you no longer care

Heartbroken I am not
Suspected this would come
My turn to say yes
Yes you're  gone!

Happy and relieved
No more sorrows for me
I hope she treats you
The way you treated me

Yes your day will come
Like any dogs' does...
Hope you living well
Right there in hell!

I'm scared of loosing me
My independence
My friends
My personality

It feels like you're controlling me
Distrusting my every move
No matter what I do
It will always be wrong for you

I wanna be the perfect wife
Be your rock when you need me to
Your friend in need

But I'm loosing me...

I use to be free...

I thought that's what you loved about me?!

Now even my friends you wanna choose
Change the way I think
And feel about things too

I still need to be me...
Not a reflection of you..

Went through all my write
From the last few years
And it was clear

History repeats itself

Its a vicious cycle
On repeat

Once again
I'm lying here
Heart filled with tears

And I still don't know the core

Trying to figure out my ways
And why I cannot change

I'd rather be alone
Than take a chance to love
Coz I know how much it hurts

Uncertainty is killing me
I can no longer see me future

I don't know what is wrong with me

Dying to fall inlove
And just be truly happy with what I've got!

But the grass is always greener on the other side

One never seems to be enough!

Feel like moving to another town
Running away is what I usually do
The easy way out

I'm a coward you see

I cannot face my fears
Don't wanna dig for core problems either

I'm scared of what I might find in my past

Doing what I do every day
Doing what I’ve always done
Helping people come undone…
 
Better opportunities coming my way...
To better the coming days...
But never do I put myself to Gain…
 
Working towards a greater future
While I stay behind...
Keeping everyone else’s goals in mind...
Putting My needs aside...
They need me now...
 
Wish I could say what I really mean
Wish I could say what My heart really feels…
 
Cannot leave them for you…
Coz I know you’ll be okay...
Although I know ~ being with you will be absolutely Great!
But, they need me now…
 
I wish there was a way
To see You everyday
I wish there was a way
To make you stay & wait...
 
But that won’t be fair
On neither one of us
Giving it my best...
But cannot help
Thinking of you every minute of the day...
 
I know you’ll be better
You’ll be all I ever need
 
Don’t know what it is
Don’t know why I feel so much...
But I know ~
There could’ve been a Greater us!
 
So sad that I have to say
Goodbye
Waiting for me...
Is not how I expect you to be...?
Nor feel...