Teary eyed
I had to say good bye

Doing right
Is the only way..

Not what I wanted to do
I wanna be with you

For the concept
Of true love
at first sight
This feels like betrayal

Cherish the few Decent humans left with Good Hearts!

Tonight was great
No wait!
It wasn't..
It was beyond my greatest expectations!

I did not wanna leave your side
Wanted you to stay a while
Maybe even sleep in this empty bed of mine!

Kissing you was ...
I don't have words to explain..
I was left speechless...
Just wanted m0re!

Can't imagine a life with you
The perfection will go to extremes

You're an addiction
Worst than morphine
Can you imagine
just you and me?

Have to say good bye
Something I'd rather n0t do
But I know
I'll see you in my dreams!

Searching for the Dark
Looking for it
It is the curiosity that leads us

Drowning in the Dark
Mirror reflections
Endlessly
And all I see
is
Me
As far as I can see in the rear
So much less forward do I feel
Within that Deep Darkness
You find your Comfortablity

You know it won't go on Forever
It is Leading You
Somewhere..

It's at the End
Where you find out ~ What you came to See..

Let me See x3

Please

Once Faced with True Reality
All you see & Have
Is YOU!!

Thought you'll find the answers
Deep within the darkness
But it left you stranded - feeling all
Alone..

But you FEEL
BALANCE / FORCE
And you Realize
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WALK ALONE!!

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
The shake hands with the other You
Once Accepted
Both you're Good & Bad

It provokes
The sense of Fear

Fear
Darkness will resurface

If you do not Forgive
The past
Conflict will remain within You
You give Darkness the Upper Hand

The Fight has to be Together
Without Both
There is No Greater Force
Letting Darkeness into Your Light
And visa versa

It is Time
Time is All there is
You Choose
To Live
Or to live in the Past
Where Time then just Passes by..

Stop looking for horizons
It's right under your nose

Quit being weak
Quit being unwise
Pass on what you have learned
Strength
Wisary
The Greatest Teacher
Failure is

Reparh what they grow beyond
That is the True version of Mastery

Do Not let any Obstickles you face in Life ~ Ever interfere with Your Own Personal Growth... "V.J."

Vilene Joubert

Why do you hate
Who you hate?
Or
What  you hate..??

You cannot stop Needing
Of that
which made you feel lesser
It is your greatest
Weakness
You look for it Everywhere...

...In Everyone

But those who acknowledge
The Power Within Us..?

Fear Us!!!

That's why they try
& DESTROY Us..!!!

I cannot even remember how I fell so hard for you
The one day I was moving house
The next I was madly in love with you
Sending you cartoon rainbows exploding into little red hearts... or was it visa versa??
Months went by
I was still walking on the clouds
Thinking earth  is our heaven
And God blessed me with an angel
     Then the devil came and stole you
Even took your memory
Then I realised earth is hell and here we will stay till the day we pass away
And maybe then ill get to the ports of heaven
And experience inner peace happiness      
But Till that day I shall embrace the hurricane in my mind and  storm in my broken heart

Give me a hint,
Just one little clue
To let me know why
I have such a crush on you
Don't make me feel silly
Or worse, even shy
And I'll listen to what you have to say
If you could just tell me why
Is it the way you listen,and talk to me,
Or the look on your face
When I do something silly?
Is it the cute habits you have unlike no one else
That make me wish I could have you all to myself?
 
 
You look at me and I can't breathe
It drives me crazy knowing you'll leave
I want to have you all to myself
But will I ever get the chance?
 
I want to have you hold me tight
I want to make love with you all through the night
I want you so much I cannot bare it
But will I ever get the chance?
 
I love it when you touch my skin!
wish this wasn't a dream I was living in.

May Our Home
Inside
Only portray such
Love, Joy & Positivity
To the outside
That it becomes contagious
And spread like a virus

**

It came to me today
Saddest news i've heard all year

It sounds like you lost yourself..

The jump in your walk
The light in your eyes
The softness of your heart
Your happiness inside...

All the things i loved the most..

I let you go -
Hoping you'd be better off without me..

Now i just wanna hold you close..

Put your head on my chest -
Tell you its gonna be okay..
I will love you till the end!

Please - i beg of you!
Stand up for yourself!
Get your attitude back!
Be spontanious again!

Get up on your feet!!
I don't know you like this!

And LAUGH!

You deserve it so..

Im sorry for what ever it is
that brought you down like this..
If i had a clue
I would make a plan to contact you...

But this is the only way i know...

I blame myself for a lot of things
But never blamed myself for loving you
Always wanted what's best for you
I see you are happy now
I always wanted that for you
I always wanted the be the cause of that
Suppose in a way I am
The smile on your face brings happiness to my heart
I'll always be greatfull for the time we had

This is who I am
The raw brutal truth

I am an addict
I will always be!

I am a hypocritical lier
But only when it come to usage
Other than that
I speak nothing
But brutal truth

My appearance is total opposite
Of what I carry inside
I look strong
I look like the biggest *****

In fact
I am not

I am gentle
Soft hearted
Kind

I love everybody
I am loud
Outspoken

For I am Fine ~
Working on getting better.
But the thought..
Of what Could’ve been…
Still haunting me..!!

Really trying my utmost best
To get you out of my head..
But it’s your face I see
When I go to sleep...
It’s your body i'm longing
When I wake up in the morning...

It’s your voice I want to hear
Starring at my phone
Can’t wait for your name to appear!
Can’t wait to be with you alone…

Both of us occupied...
Why do we have such terrible timing?

Her Heart is abstract art - it is Magic
Her soul is a masterpiece that moves like the tides..
She is the moon and everything around her the earth..
She lights you up like the sun and when you align you change the tides..
Her beauty is Enchanting!
she leaves a cosmic trail as she orbits around your thoughts..
She is chaos, but she is Your kind of Magic!!

I do not like your lips
Nor the way you smile  
I do not like your tongue
Nor the way you kiss
I do not like your ears            
Nor the stretcher you fear
I do not like your nose
Nor the way you smell
I do not like your eyes
Nor the way you stare
I do not like your hands
Nor the way you touch
I do not like your hair
Nor the way it curls
I do not like your clothes
Nor the way it hugs
I do not like your skin
Nor the way you sweat      

I do not like you any more
I don't know who you are....

     I do not like who you have become

I want to write you a poem
Tell you how I feel
But if I only knew...

Its not that I don't love you
Or wanna be without you
If I only knew...

Pushing you away is what I end up doing
Not that I want you any closer
If I only knew...

I am pretty sure this is what I wanted
Convinced that I was ready
If I only knew...

Am I loving you
Or hurting you
If I only knew

What am I suppose to do??

As I sit here in the dark
My mind goes blank
But only one vision
That does not seem to vague

The memories of you and I
Are bringing tears to my eyes
Thinking of the past
I cannot help but smile

We've had our ups and downs
Fair share of sadness and laughs
But without a lie
I'll never look back and frown

If anything had to happen
And I would have to die
I can happily say
I have been loved!

But in reply
Without any delay
I would have to shout out loud
You were the one that owned my heart

I have Loved...

It's the imperfections that motivates us ~  keeps us alive...

Originally
I wanted it to be
Just Zayden & Me..
For I do not want a life like this...

Of constantly convincing
Then countered
to proof
my
Inadequacy
to
Love you

A life time of memories
Gone in a blink
Blamed on
Temporary
Insanity
??

You promised not to run
But come to me
You promised we'll Always be
Best friends above all
Atleast...
You promised you'd never lie
But I have not seen
Any truth...

The ugliness you poured on me
Is that the inner You?

Restless
This body and the mind
Running away
With these thoughts of mine

Craving the dark
To find that peace
No one can offer but God

But where is He to find
When we wonder off alone to the dark

Why would he allow this evil
The pain some have to carry around

Why would He give us choices
Knowing we won't make the right one
And just regret it in the morning

Why would he allow
For the precious ones to be taken away so early..

I don't care if He wants His Angels...
What about us left behind??

He will not give us more than we can handle??
But why bring so much sorrow to our lives??

Staring down on all of us
Seeing the pain we endure daily
How much more should we deal with
Before we are left in pieces
 
Why break us apart
Leave us with broken hearts
Is this our awesome God???

Don't blame me for my questions
Unless you have walked my path

He has forsaken us
Truth be told out loud

But our silence is forever golden ...

Why is it that
I can't stop thinking about you
Why is it that
I cannot get over you
Why is it that
You are always the one I run back to

When we both know
We will never work
When we both know
It was never meant to be
When we both know
The love is not enough

Tell me
What am I suppose to do
Tell me
How do I forget
Tell me
Not to feel
Tell me
you don't want me

But I know
You miss me too
But I know
You feel the same I do
And I know
You love me too..

The mattress swallowing me in so deep I can feel my heart beat between my chest and the sheets
The darkness around me shadowing my vision for the future
The silence around me is so loud I cannot hear  a thing
My eyes are so blurry from the waterfalls streaming down my cheek
   My head is exploding from the overbearing thoughts of you not being here
My legs are so restless all they wanna do is run to you  no matter the distance
My hands pulling out my hair while I wonder why you left me for her????

Through my years
And different life cycles
I have come across
Quite a few surprises

I have seen
many Friends come and go
Many relationships fail
Plenty hearts break

But so few
Who ever found true love

How many put their hearts on line
How many put their lives on the line
All in hope to find that 0ne Love
To be with till the end of time

Never realizing
That  True Happiness
Comes from
Deep within

Hearts were made to be broken
Friends will always disappoint you
Love never really finds away
Or have any meaning

There's only 0ne..
One who will be honest and speak truth
One who love you for you
Only one who will always stay True..
That 0ne ~ is You!!

Find it in YourSelf
Make Yourself happy!
Love Yourself!!
It all lies within!!
Nothing else ever really matters!!..
But YOU!!

There's only one thing I would like to say
I'd love to give my sincerest apologies

I apologize for never loving you the same..
However, I need to thank you..
For showing me the right way!!

Without our dificulties,
I would never have grown!
Without me hurting you the way I did..
Without the way you just loved us both..

I would never have been able to really truly love the way I do today!!

Thank you for showing me the right way!

I did however, love you in my own way!
I'm convinced you know this anyway!

In conclusion,
I only wish you well! :)
Hope you find the love
I experience today!

T, you don't need to say a thing!

I am sorry ~ and Thank you for everything!

I can finally just let you Go..

I wish you well!
Be blessed with love & joy!
And true laughter in your heart!
You deserve it too!

You cannot Always Be Good
       But
You Can Always
TRY
&
Do Good ~

Smoking it All
**** after ****

See your troubles
In transparent grey
But never really goes away..

**** after ****
I sense I don't belong ..

Not here..
Nor there...
Not Anywhere!

So why am I here..??

The excruciating pain endured
Left visible scars Over the years..
Heavy burdens i daily carry
burnt so deep into my soul ~
The roots make **** blossom!

The Reward:
Just Some More
Wisdom
Just some More
Knowledge
Just some more pain to endure..
Just some more burdens to carry
Just some more scars to prove them

What use is the Wise
With heavy hearts
&
In
Despair?

The more you suffer
  ...more wisdom gained
Yet - in the End..
still looses the game..

How can the Heart be Happy
Carrying the knowledge
Of a world in pain?

How can you Belong
Knowing
It's your wisdom causing the pain??

So what's the purpose of it all??

Don't you think I feel exactly the same?! It kills me not knowing where you are & who you're with.. I don't even know your friends!! Atleast when I say who I'm with, you'll know their faces! You'll know who they are. I cannot say the same..& that freaks me da **** out!
Don't you think I want to wake up next to you every morning? I DO! I wanna grow old with U!?
But I don't know if you feel the same way I do? I don't get any reassurance from you? You make me feel like I am not missing from your life? That I carry no value whatsoever! U make it look so easy to walk away & say goodbye without a word, nor effort trying to keep me?
I feel like neither my presence nor my absence makes any difference to You?
You're saying goodbye. Again?!
In less than a week I had to hear it twice from You! Can u imagine what that feels like?
I don't ask 4 much. Just your respect, kindness, loyalty, trust & communication. &  YOUR LOVE! Is that unreasonable?
Is it unreasonable asking You to try harder when your head ***** out & you refuse to see what you're doing to us?
It frustrates me to the extend of aggression & violence! & I'm not like that! I flippen hate that! &
I'm so sorry for not being able to control my emotions :'(
Please forgive me?
I respect your wishes...
I have no other choice!
Besides, its not like you're gonna make any effort fighting for me anyway..
I so badly wish you would.
I'll always love you
I feel your emptiness!
Why am I not worthy of your love?
:'(
Take care :(
Have an okay day..
Mine is gonna **** seeing i woke up with yet another goodbye..
With all my heart.
I love you!
**

Cnt seem 2 4get
Cnt get ya outa my head..
Wana c u all da tym
Want u 2 stay a while..

Thn u arrive
And its all clear
I hav good reason for ths fear

If thrs 1 thing I jst cnt handle
Its lies..
Da feeling of deceipt
A 6th sense tht comes s0 naturally

Been dwn ths road
Too many timez b4
U'v been cought
1 too many wayz b4

Wht I jst dnt get
Y wud my lov 4 u n0t jst g0?
Y wnt our roads jst part?

Thrs nofing left here
4 me 2 stay

Da trust is gone

The demons we have befriended
The light we've found darkness
The Angles we've corrupted
The devils we made Cry

All of the men on earth
Not One
that's truly Living
This world has more horrific deaths
Than Hell itself will Ever Know

So Do
whatever
makes this hell
You're Living
Worth All Pain
you're enduring...

Life ~ is a Journey
It's a long road
, it never ends..

I'm scared of loosing me
My independence
My friends
My personality

It feels like you're controlling me
Distrusting my every move
No matter what I do
It will always be wrong for you

I wanna be the perfect wife
Be your rock when you need me to
Your friend in need

But I'm loosing me...

I use to be free...

I thought that's what you loved about me?!

Now even my friends you wanna choose
Change the way I think
And feel about things too

I still need to be me...
Not a reflection of you..

If all things are done
                 IN
               Love

There wouldn't be one
         Lost
            Soul....

Love directs

And think not that you can direct the course of love

For Love
If it finds You Worthy
Love directs your course

I Failed Love
        again....
Or did Love Fail Me??
        again...

When you're the only one who failed to see what a decent humanbeing she actually is...
You don't find such beauty in hearts anymore..
And you realize - What you took for granted - Another will Appreciate!
Another will ~
Love her ~ the way she deserves to be Loved!!

From the start I said
I love you so much it hurts
Never expected this…

You broke me into pieces..
Yet I still love you so much
It hurts

I think about you every day..
Remembering the love we shared
And it really hurts

I hope she loves you the way I did
I wish you only happiness
Even though it hurts

I miss you every day
Our memories will never fade
I love you so much it hurts

Real love really Hurts…

This is & will Not be our final goodbye my boy!!

My sincerest apologies that you had to be dragged away in that manner! No-one deserves that!
And matters does Not Ever need to be handled so cold or harshly by Any Adult!

I know you don't have it easy & to top it, you cannot even express and/ or Feel what you feel right now.. For that too, I am sorry!

I am not gonna ask where you guys are. It's not my place anymore... :(
But I do want to know if you're okay? Comfortable? All these things! Lol. Are you safe? Comfortable? Need anything? Etc. Etc. Lol

If you ever need anything ~ I'm just a text away!
If you ever need Anyone..
I'll be right here waiting to hear from you!
I'm not going anywhere unless I know you'll be 100%!

Please remember I will Always Fight for you!
No matter What or Who!
With my bare hands & small fists!
I will even fight battles in court if I have to! Lol!

Son,
I love you as my Own!
And I will fight for You as if I  gave birth to You Myself!!

Don't Ever let Any obstacle on Your Path  or in Your Life, you inevitably have to face ~  Stand in the way of Your Greatness!!

Never bow down! - Stand Tall (as you are! Lol)
Never back down! Firmly stand your ground!
Never loose Faith! Remain humble!
And Never Ever Change or Loose that Beautiful Heart of Yours!!

Always Trust - until proven otherwise!
Always Remain Hopeful!
Always Motivate Others!
Always help where you can!

Be Gentle!
Be Kind!

And Always ~ Always
Love!
Believe in Love!
Do Everything in the name of Love!
Love is the One & Only thing that can Literally *Conquer it All!

Your wet naked body so close to mine
I can feel your ***** grinding mine
Your load breaths driving me insane
Put your fingers inside
Or do you want to feel mine
Give me some ice and feel my tongue twisting around
There you go ~ now you try the same
A continuous lust unexplained
I will be your **** and you can be mine

I have grown so much these last few years
Changed myself into a completely different person
I have been sober for so many months I actually stopped counting..

I have taken different paths
Stayed in different places
Made different friends
Gone on many adventures

Yet your memory still lingers
Like I cannot rid myself of you
When I see your name appear on my page
I need to stop myself from texting you…
Just wanna know how you’ve been…
Do you ever think of me?

Its been so long…
And I am so different..
Bet you are too…
We would not even know each other..
Like strangers in the right place at the wrong time…

It doesn’t really matter
Being this new me
Has shown me real feelings
A love never experienced
And a pain I have never felt

It makes no difference to who I am
I am always the one who ends up with the broken heart
Can only wish you all the happiness I hope for…

Blessed are those
Who look with beauty in their eyes
Who strive for not wealth
But only happiness inside

Blessed are those
Who offers their helping hand
Despite their own struggles

Blessed are those
Who carry their own demons
Yet still wears a mask!

Maybe I woke to early
Or maybe I woke to noisy..
Maybe it was your ****** expression
Or the tone of your voice
Maybe its because I came clean...

Just the night before...

Maybe my soul was to naked
Maybe I was too honest
Maybe its because I fixed your watch
Maybe you were tired
Maybe just lack of sleep
Maybe we misunderstood
Maybe the moment was too deep
Maybe its because I pushed you
Maybe I was too angry & fierce
Maybe its because I lost my temper
Maybe its because of your marriage comment
Maybe its because your words cut deepest
Maybe its because you were hurt
Maybe It was Me hurting..
Maybe we're not meant to be together
Maybe my visions of forever were completely wrong
Maybe I've always been wrong...
Maybe I didn't love you well
Maybe I didn't love you right
Maybe was never good enough
Or maybe the pressure was just too much
Maybe I was never meant for this life.
Maybe I'm suppose to feel your loss
And maybe I was suppose to die

& feel so dead inside..

I don't know it all
or
what exactly was the cause..

But it sure as hell - wasn't something as small as going through my phone..

Evil Lurks
It seeks me..
Around every corner..
In every dream...

My granny was the only one
Who ever protected me..
It seems - like She just knew
It started haunting me from my younger years...

Dreadfully she has past
Now my shield is gone
Weakest at my best
As evil seeks a home in me

she believed my good heart
Will go far
It will bring greatness
Through my leadership skills

Funny.. How things just suddenly change..
Just feels like your life's been rearranged!
So now you're not sure what to do..!
Like you're someone else~just not you!
But the changes are actually not that bad.
Cause you found something like you never had..!
So this is what I'm feeling now..
I wanna keep you.. I just don't know~ How?!
You make me feel super good, I'm on cloud 9
When you're near~i know I'll be just fine!!
Its crazy when we're apart..
Then you come home~
And kickStart my heart!!
I do really miss you so very much..
Your smile, your kiss, and your Gentle Seductive Touch..!!
Not to sure if I've said this to you..?
But you're stunning~ and I hope all your dreams come True..!!

My planet is different I guess..
Where people are kind and struggles are real - but handled decently & maturely..
Where the pain subsides..
And DreamZzz are met..
Where love grows & blossoms daily..
Where rainbows still mean Hope!
And Tomorrow is finally  something to look forward to..

mY purp0se in LiFe ~
t0 hEaL thE 0neS tHat huRt ~
& fiLL thE eMptY sPaCeS
s0me maY nEeD!
Your 'bad'-weatHer fRieNd ~
I wiLL aLwaYs bE!!

& onCes uR sMilliNg ~
& mY j0b iS d0ne ~
I'll m0ve 0n t0 thE neXt oNe!

s0 d0nt ya w0rrY ~
wHen uR saD
I'll bE rigHt tHeRe..
h0ldiNg uR haNd! ;-)

Doing what I do every day
Doing what I’ve always done
Helping people come undone…
 
Better opportunities coming my way...
To better the coming days...
But never do I put myself to Gain…
 
Working towards a greater future
While I stay behind...
Keeping everyone else’s goals in mind...
Putting My needs aside...
They need me now...
 
Wish I could say what I really mean
Wish I could say what My heart really feels…
 
Cannot leave them for you…
Coz I know you’ll be okay...
Although I know ~ being with you will be absolutely Great!
But, they need me now…
 
I wish there was a way
To see You everyday
I wish there was a way
To make you stay & wait...
 
But that won’t be fair
On neither one of us
Giving it my best...
But cannot help
Thinking of you every minute of the day...
 
I know you’ll be better
You’ll be all I ever need
 
Don’t know what it is
Don’t know why I feel so much...
But I know ~
There could’ve been a Greater us!
 
So sad that I have to say
Goodbye
Waiting for me...
Is not how I expect you to be...?
Nor feel...

Second passing in recent times.. and with everyone I had a feel of guilt inside.. I am now left with that 'what if' , should I have known? Could I have done something? What if I answered or returned that missed call?? I think we always take tomorrow for granted. Think we will have more time. Reality is, we don't!! We don't have time! We are borrowed to this world! So use the time you have! Make the best of it! Give all the love, support and attention you can give! Use your time! Use it wisely! Lovingly! I am so sorry.. :'( I am so sorry! I honestly thought I had more time!! And now again I have to say goodbye. That final goodbye..

From dancing on tables
To sitting in the corner

From being the loudest
To having no voice

From being the strongest
I'm now the weakest

From seeing only beauty in all things
Now I see the ugly in me

I use to make people feel good
Now all I bring is tears

I use to be soft and gentle
Now I throw a punch or two

I was always smiling and laughing
No all I do is shout from anger

How did I become this nasty person?
Its a whole new me
And nothing for the good!

Its not like me
To hurt another human being
But it feels like that's all I recently do?!

I don't want to be this person
I hate the changes in me
I wanna go back to the old Vilene!!

There's no greater sense of loss than that of a loved one
No greater loss than the passing of a husband - a father - friend & family..

No loss greater loss than the passing of the strongest man you know -
No greater loss than the passing of the one man you respect most
No greater loss than the passing of your father...

No great loss than the passing of the man you loved, respected & perceived as your father ..


Written by:
Someone that
  needs her person for some sense of comfort..
The Sad Lonely Outsider

...