Addicts will
Never
Stop using ~

Until they
Fill
whatever..
* VOID *
It is
They'e

....Missing ....

Closest friends
Betray you
Family
Denies you
Lovers
Leave you

When all has gone wrong
And you've been left alone
With no where to go
Who are you suppose to turn to

God has never saved you
Satan will never love you

The cold wind warms you
Heat thrills you

You're out there on your own

Don't frown upon the world
Someone out there
Feels just as lonely and cold

He looks up to me
Like I am the best
Nothing I can ever do
Will make him love me any less

The beauty of a child's innocence
Seeing only good
Not yet scorned by this world

Loving unconditionally
Both big and small
Caring for all
Never want to take him out into this world

Wishing his beautiful little heart
Will always remain the same
Never get hurt
Never turn cold

He looks up to me
Seeing  only my best
When will he realize
All the **** in my head

Praying his eyes will never change
Seeing only the good
Seeing me forever the way he does now

I have so many flaws
Make so many mistakes
I do try my best
But will always fail

Hoping he will never hear
Any wrongs in my past
He will always hear my words
Of this unconditional LOVE

May he never cease to touch me lovingly the way he does
His little hands never pull away

May he grow up
To be who I believe he is
And never doubts that I only tried my best
Giving him a life filled with everything I never felt

May he feel loved deeply
Feel happiness from within
Feel the sense of fulfilment
Which I never received

My only wish in life
Is that my son
When he is grown up
To know the love I had for him
And with all my flaws, faults, mistakes
That he is the reason I have grown
My motivation to be better today than yesterday...

Fight for Light till the End
Once all Hope is Lost
And the Spark is Out
Love & Forgiveness
Can still Conquer it All

Only Truth can Set you Free
Revenge can Never Defeat

We are
Love is
The Spark that Lights the Fire
To burn All the Darkness Out

The rebellion is born
The war is only beginning
And if I Die today
I Will Not be Last of the Light

Anything struck in Anger
Will Always Stay with you
Just like your demons

A FORCE of Believe
Of utmost inner strength
Can obtain any Obstacle in your way

Anger & Revenge
Will Only **** those
Who carry it within them

I've had enough
Its been long enough
I need another
To stray away from you

I came to realize
We have all odds against us
Universe playing jokes with us
Bringing us close
Then ripping us apart

We know we are meant for each other
But can't find a way to be together
So I find another
To stray away from memories with you

But I go home eventually
Just to find myself alone again
Because I can not be with another
I need to be with you!

No matter how hard I try
No matter the amount of tears
Or all the others...
Its still you love!

You are my Lesbian Love
-the only one who could captured my heart-

Tanya ~ it is You I love!

Every day is a new day
And one day closer to getting there
To mend a broken heart
Yet every day is another day to add to the distance we spend apart

I've been awake all night
Can't seem to fall asleep
This time, without any methamphetamine

It feels weird - out of the ordinary
Especially after sleeping two full days - in recovery

My gf said my pupils look big
I guess she's doubting my intake too
But not to blame her - I probably would have too

I have so much going through my head
So grateful for many things and friends
My gf and my family above all rest
Except my son, ofcourse - he's forever my No1 and More!

I have a troubled mind
Don't think it entails me this time though..
Its my inner being
That cares so much for the weak...

I know I help where I possibly can
Lucky for me - I have a very understanding and supportive group
But all the worlds troubles,
Are causing me sleepless nights it seems

Food, we can supply for those in need
Stationary for the poor, is no problem either..
But what about the precious jewels - that end up suicidle?

I had training in this field
Got a certificate to prove it too!
But what use is it - if I don't really know what to do??

She's a very dear friend of mine
Very close to my heart
Unconditional friendship love
I see the hurt in her eyes!!

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

If only God could write it on my cupboard door!!

I am really tired
And need my beauty sleep
My son will need all of me very soon..

But yet - I think..

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

Still hopefully staring at my cupboard door..

I always find a way to help those in need..
Its second nature and easy for me..
But the ones who need my help the most..
Seem to catch me at my weakest -
I'm no good with cancer or disease nor **** addicts neither?! :'(

But I won't give up on either
I refuse to let them go
I know I will find the strength somewhere
And let them know - They will never be alone!
Even if my words and actions fail them - my mind or heart never strays...

So...

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more through..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

When I saw you for the very first time
My eyes could not stop staring
Your beauty absolutely amazed me

When our lips locked for the very first time
I was shocked by our chemistry
The perfection is still a mystery

As soon as i slipped out my dream back into reality
I realized this just could never be
I fell in love with a girl ~ just like me!

Girls are like works of art
Their beauty amazes me
A perfect silluette for every eye who sees
I can not stop staring  
Skin a smooth as silk ~ you long for after your first encounter
Lips as soft as cotton ~ tastes like candy and you just want more
Eyes which reveals their soul ~ just like the beholder

The reason why our dark side is so extremely dark
BALANCE
We fail to realize how good our good is

Love is....
When you feel good

....  even during the hurt...


B. D. S

I want to give you the love I think you deserve
I want to be the cause of your beautiful smile on your face every day
I want to fill your heart with the greatest joy you'll ever know
I want to hold you close and never let you go
I want to keep you safe from all sorrows and pain

I want to give you all this and even more!!

But my demons fill your big brown eyes with hurtful tears
My words cut you open and slice right through your bones
My actions brings you to your darkest fears

I do not know nor understand
I despise my myself with utter disgust
It sickens me to my stomach that I actually want to *****

You don't need this from me!

My insecurities rip your bleeding heart right out your chest
My defensive behaviour is to guard myself from hurt
But in return our love suffers
The beauty of what we once had gets lost
Our relationship that once was perfected gets affected by my selfishness

How do I stop making the past my present
And just believe in what we've got

I love you without a doubt
Is it the fear of loosing you
That makes me push you further away
That the pain will be less when I end up alone?

I want to give you my sincerest apologies
Ask for your forgiveness
I wish that all that was said can be lifted by the wind and blown away into a distance
Be made forgotten

I want to heal our broken trust
Mend our hearts
And change all this unwanted anger into much needed and well deserved Love!

I care for my people ~ just wish they noticed!
I cry when you hurt ~ can't you see my tears?
Feel my presence ~ I'd love to make you smile!
You are my friend ~ therefore I'm blessed!

I met this girl
She was just like me
Friends we will forever be

As time went past
And we grew older
We grew fonder

My best friend I loved
I made her my wife
So rest could see
We were two girls inlove

About 2 watch a m0vie
I'll b seeing it Through my eyes
I hope its ur face I find

Its been so long
Since I felt ths way
Dnt knw wht 2 say

Thrs no sense of direction
No commitment
Nothing tht wud make me run away

Not once did u judge me
On how I am
Nor hav u tried 2 change me

U r fine with wh0 I am!

U knw I can not love u
N0t tht I dnt want 2
But nxt 2 me u stand

Ur da only 1 thts different
Da way u stood tall 4 me
And defended me
No1 has eva done tht 4 me!


I knw ths 4 a fact
U & I will walk 2getha
Quite a distance

I'll be seeing you in my movie
I'll be waiting at da bar

Thr I will thank you
4 being da best I'v had s0 far

Oh how beautiful to know
That
GOD
Loves us Blameless
Either or...
Stop blaming others..
Stop blaming yourself
See how beautifully Blameless
God's Love is for All of Us!!

Oh how beautiful to know
That
GOD
Loves us Blamelessly..
Either or...
Stop blaming others..
Stop blaming yourself
See how beautifully Blameless
God's Love is
...for All of Us!!

Rip me Apart
Tear my flesh

~ Dispose my soul

Let me bleed..

Until I am shaped
Perfectly for You!!

One day I will write you poem..
With all the most beautiful words in the Oxford dictionary
Just to maybe get to express your beauty to me..

I still cannot comprehend
This beautiful love we share..
So unique – so rare..

Since I laid my eyes on you for the very first time
I never needed anything more again..
I am so fulfilled..

Can hardly believe the memories of my past was truly me..
You made me believe in the beauty of me
Made me see who I can be
For that I would be ever grateful!

You made me want to change in who I am today
To be this better person
To love you and treat you right!

Thank you for loving me so perfectly!
I cannot wait to become your wife!
And wake up next to you for the rest of my life!!

I haven't had a reason to write
You're happily engaged
My life has also changed

I fell inlove again
Saw a future with that special someone
Just started building myself up
Thought it would be perfect

Amazing how things can change
In a blink of an eye
Once again I just wanna die!

Heart in pieces
Broken inside
Why no tears falling from my eyes??

Suppose I'm use to the pain by now
I don't feel it that bad anymore
It all gets easier in time

I have what I need
My sons unconditional love
The only thing keeping me alive!!

I dnt believe in makin wrong decissions
nor mistakes ~
I believe, wht eva da choice might have been ~
it was da right one
@ da time of making it!

Therefore,
n0 matter what da outc0me ~
it was RIGHT!

There's n0 such thing as  a mistake /
or wr0ng choices..!

But wht if~
wht if~
You juSt dnt knw..?

Do u jst g0 wif wht eva fl0?
or d0 u
turn ar0und
& walk away..??

My life has Not turned out remotely close to what I planned and worked so hard for all this time that has passed..

But we all had choices..
We all make mistakes..

And we are blessed if we are able to acknowledge our mistakes and where things went wrong..

Again we are faced with choices to which way our paths will go..

The only thing left to do - is,
To start all over again!
Right our wrongs!
Choose our path.
Begin the new journey to reach our destiny
Our fate is solely up to Us!

However, you do not need to walk it all alone!
Like you feel you do and almost expect it to be

The only thing certain in life is change

And change is obviously what you Need!

It is also the most scary ..
Fear of the unknown
The uncertainty
The people you Will loose along the way...

I can assure you, this will be the Most Uncomfortable, most fearful, most DIFFICULT Choice you'll ever have to make..!!

But I can Also Promise you ~ Your new Destination ~ Will be Worth every second of it!!!!

It will be Worth all the sweat, pain & tears of excruciating days in & nights alone filled with sorrow, loneliness , tears & fears!!

If you can be Strong enough for just a brief moment in time ~ you will have a glorious lifetime without regret & all this self inflicted ******* we tend to grab, attract and hold so tightly onto...

It all boils down to
You..

You just have to Choose..

Remember
You Always have a Choice!

Will you choose the
Easy way
You've known for so long..??

Or do you choose
The road unknown
The hardest path
Obstacle infused..

Yet the most Amazing..??

Ask Yourself...

Do You Choose Change..??

Do You Choose

                        *You*..???

Your skin as soft as mine
Your sweet lips touching mine
Your touch as lustily as mine
You're *** the same as mine!

Two girls falling inlove

I had this dream
It was about you and me
I could not care
If the people had to stare
It was as beautiful as could be

Someday they'll understand
I do not care if they think its wrong
Just because you are the same *** as me!

Our love is pure
Its our hearts' desire
As girls we understand one another
We were made for each other

The darkness finally pulls you in
Whilst you lay there pondering about your sins

Knowing who you were before
Realizing what you have become

Embracing both worlds
Figuring out
Who would win...

You know who you want to be...
Falling back within
The darkness sinks you in..

Wishing these contradictions
Would just come to an end..

How did you become so weak
Yet strong in sin

Not ready for this world
Changes are so scary...

You don't want to be boring
Yet this life has no meaning

Once ambitious
Now just lost
Drowning in confusion...

Going through something like that is never pleasant for either party...

I hope you can heal your hearts in No Time!
Feel the hurt.. To feel alive..
Process the Anger... Not to walk around with hatred in your heart!
Acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster- and identify each emotion as you go along this will help with your personal growth and gain emotional maturity...
Don't blind yourself to your own mistakes - you can only learn from it and start your personal growth thereafter..

FORGIVE!!!
FORGIVE your spouse for whatever wrongs had been done...
&
FORGIVE YOURSELF ~ that might be the most difficult journey of them All ~ But The Most Important one to heal the Heart!

Take it day by day....
Acceptance takes a while...
However, if you still have just the most tiniest bit of Love left in your heart...

Always give Love another try...

Put ur feelings aside 4 a while
Take mine in consideration
Iv been ur fool
4 way 2 long

Its tym 2 let g0
Tym 2 m0ve on

Must admit
Its easier said
Thn d0ne

I'm n0t 1 stay behind
N0r do I hold on
2 things tht can't b saved

I turn around and walk away

Wif u its different
Wif u its strange
I'll be ur fool any day

Done trying 2 make it work
But ths feeling
Jst dnt wana go away

Take my feelings in consideration
I'm n0t here 4 ur entertainment
Ur braking my heart in2 pieces

I jst realized
I hav 2 let u g0

Its n0t u
Its mE
I'm allowing this 2 be

Starring at the Crossroad
Don’t know which way to turn
Demons on both sides~
Pulling me apart
 
Good & Evil
Fighting over Me
Cant wait to see
… who Wins …
 
Looking in the mirror
Don’t know the stranger
Starring back at Me…!
 
All I remember ~
She use to know ~
Who she Use to be…
 
Doing good – Helping others
Has drained the Life out of Me!
 
Dull grey eyes,
~use to be blue
The fake smirk..
Use to be, ~a beautiful Smile..
 
One day the world will see
What Evil, ~ being Good,
 Has done to Me…

Have to get up for work
In only an hour and a half
Put on my fake *** smile
Wear that mask
Everybody loves

Behind here its so dark
Sight is almost blinded
No one can see the tears in my eyes
Or notice that I'm dying inside

Get up let's go
Don't  forget your happy face
No one likes the ugly...

All sins tend to be addictive
And at the terminal point of addiction is damnation

So much Strength
Darkness Rises
&
Light to Meet it

The Stronger the Darkness grows
His Equal in the Light
...will RISE!

Have Faith & Trust
Within your light
Believe in Darkness
Then he shall follow

Not Wise enough to resist the bait

Soon all Resistance will be done ~
GONE
&
For You
All that is loss
You will always Remain Lost!!

If Light believes
Darkness will turn
That Alone
Shall Spark & IGNITE him
And he shall Strike
To ****
His True Enemy...
Darkness KILLS...
    DARKNESS
TOGETHER THEY FIGHT
Against all odds
Fighting as ONE
OBSTACLES & BATTLES
Increase severe
Strength be tested to its Max
TOGETHER THEY Survive
And
Go their Separate Ways...

It is in your Darkest moment
Your True Light IGNITES
EXPLODES through every Darkest Corner
And
Light Drives out every inch of Darkness

"Everyone has a past - with baggage..
Every one has issues..
It is Your behavior, Demeanor & How you Treat Others ~ that Ultimately Defines You!" V.J

What if the timing was wrong –?
And we didn't want to let go –
And then we started loving the Wrong soul??

There would be no such thing
Seeing that we are there…
Right where we were meant to be...

Even though
We don’t always believe
Everything was planned for a reason…

Make the most of what you have
Make every second count
After all – it is the present…

I finally broke down every wall for You

And you picked up every single stone
Just to throw it back at me.........

Never have we gone apart like this
Broken you left in an empty home
With no more or less
Than the one word saying yes..

Yes you've left with her
Yes you're making up
Yes you deleted me
And yes you no longer care

Heartbroken I am not
Suspected this would come
My turn to say yes
Yes you're  gone!

Happy and relieved
No more sorrows for me
I hope she treats you
The way you treated me

Yes your day will come
Like any dogs' does...
Hope you living well
Right there in hell!

Don't live with regrets
There may not be a tomorrow
Don't wait to tell that someone special
Time may fly away
And you'll never a chance
Don't wake tomorrow
And have done nothing about it
Make mistakes
If you don't
Its the memories that will be lacking
Don't fake it
Your life will not be real
And will not have lived
Live life to the fullest
Everyone dies
But not everyone LIVES!!

Ek maak myself
    Dwel

Dwel
          In die Donker....

Loving you
Was the best thing
That could eva happen to me..
Or s0 it seemed..

The l0ve I had for you
Is the cause
Of this new me ~
A horrible human being

I can n0 longer feel
N0 emotion to reveal
Cold as ice and heartless
Is n0t who I was set out to be

I'm hating this new being
Passing on that hurt freely
To others who don't deserve it
Hoping they become like me

Secretly, truely knowing
I wud go down on my knees
And Start praying
Just to FEEL...

But I'm the one now
Who causes pain
But all I'm actually trying
Is for them neva to feel hurt

Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity. Pride is  the burden of a foolish person.

Through the warp'est of ways
Each day we got closer to the right way
Through all the joy, hurt & the pain..
I still loved you the exact same way
(You are enough ~ for me ~ to stay)

Why just only enough??


Coz why do I want more & be greedy??
If I have just exactly enough?!
For anything less..
We both know we won't settle!

(So what if maybe  we are wrong?
Or  be warped..let is be right together)

Having just a little more
Can be seen as greedy
Just enough is just perfect
Coz just a little bit less..
We would be settling for
Mediocre...

So

Just enough...
Is
Absolutely
Perfect!!!

Its almost been another year
Of excruciating pain endured
Once again
No one realized my fear

I thought you'd always be there
But without you knowing
What happened in my world
You left me out in the cold

Tanya, you were always my number one
That's the one thing I thought you knew for life
Yet, when my world came crumbling down
You left my side without me knowing why

Still sitting in the dark
I lost All my old friends
Never knew getting clean would be this hard
I'm going through hectic changes
All coming from inside

I came to pta
And lost another friend
I was left on the side of the road
With no where to go
No one to phone

Dixon drove by
he felt like my little angel
Tears rolling down my face
He held me close and arranged a hotel

Funny how life turns out
He saved me that night
Even arranged my flight
Going back to PE now
To start my new life

The mind has it's own Faith
And in itself can make a Hell or Heaven


War in heaven was about
What caused Lucifer to turn against God

Fallen Angels who could not choose
Were forced to walk the earth
But neither group can leave this world
Because of one of their own
The rebel Angel rejected both sides of the war
God & Lucifer alike
All in his persuit of Human Love
So all remain on earth till he chooses a side in the Only war that has ever ben waived
The war we still see every day
Raging all around us


If the Risk is Worth the Reward.. Then why not just Go for it??


It is humility that makes men as Angel's & it was Pride who turned Angels into Devils ..

I'm tired of listening to everyone's twisting religious fables to fit their Own Believes!
You tell this story as if Love was just a choice ...
& with True Love ~ You do not get to Choose?!

You can only feel what you feel
You can never feel what I feel

Even in the same scenario
Same time
Same place

Even if you try your hardest
I still cannot feel what you feel
Nor can you feel what I feel. ..

See & Feel..
of
Everything around you...
Life. Death. Peace. Violence.
Between it ALL
You Feel BALANCE
Energy
A FORCE

And inside you
It's the Same Feel...
The SAME FORCE

The Force does not Belong to Anyone!

When the Force Dies...
The Light dies..

Under it All
Is a Dark Place
      BALANCE
1/2 Light
1/2 Darkness

The Dark Force is sò Strong
& Calling Me
Pulling me In

RESIST IT U MUST

But it is Something I NEED
& I Don't try & Stop Myself

The Fight between
Both Dark & Light
Has Never been seen or Felt Before

It's a Path to Self Destruction

Why is the Force Connected
Or connecting us?
We are One
Yet two??

A Soft Soul
&
A Monster
Both Feeling Sorrow
The SAME  way

The Legacy
is Failure
Hypocrisy
Too much light/  power
Makes Darkness Rise

Yet light
Causes
&
   Destroys...

But either way
There will Always be
... Conflict ...

Truly Believe
that darkness can be turned
Training them
Showing them New ways
But darkness still rises

We all feel like Failures
But it is not Us who fail
But those
Who Fail Us

And we all Need Somebody
... anybody ...

To help us Grow!!

And show us
Where we fit in
.. in ~ all of this

And yet
We
Remain
... Determined?!

Not to Fail!

Angels & Demons fighting me
Both equally strong

Fight so tight
I got squeezed out the way

Angels & Demons fighting so long

          Even they have forgotten about me....

Dear best friend..
I will never understand why you had to leave

But I want you to know
I have found another you
A better version of you

One who does not blame
One who does expect
One who lets me be

This I wish for you..
Where ever you run to
I sincerely hope you find
                                        YOU!

I firmly believe
Every phase
And every stage of your life
Calls upon a different name
Suitable to the character
You portrayed

Who I was back then
The image I portrayed
Has given you the wrong perception
And I only have myself to blame..

I'm not saying I was false
Deceitful surely not
Or made believe the feels

But since then
This journey has changed me completely
I'm no longer that person I use to be
Or the one you think you use to know

Change is inevitable
Change for the better is for the greater good..
So it needs to be embraced!!

Do not fear the party not taken
Do not fear the unknown
For then
It is the best opportunity
To learn and to Grow.

**** society
And what's socially acceptable
Embrace your Flaws
And shine your brightest light!

For you were  never meant to
STAY lost..

.....  But meant to be found  ....

My biggest flaw is that I love deeply...
Yet, I do not know how to love really...

I can never understand why Somebody would want to Change Anybody..??

I'm not referring to your Basic mannerisms & Respect..

You can Always teach to Love & Respect!
Show the way to Kindness & Gentleness!

But WHY Change Who they are & What they do??

Is that not what Defines the True Being??

Change is Certain
Change is inevitable

Every Failure ~ Every Success
Every Single Choice You Make
Changes Your Core Being
                       &
Changes Your Perceived Reality!

Do Not Force
Change
Upon Anyone

Everyone has issues
Everyone has baggage
Everyone has a story
Everyone has old Habits...
                   Good / Bad
Which molded the Human
Into who they are today

You met them smoking
Drinking
Swearing
Or
Going to Church every Sunday

Why take these things Away
To Suit Your Own Selfish ways?

You may have Changed
But
They may not be ready & their
Time for Change
Is just Not Now!

Be Patient
Be Kind

it will be right in due time...

Without our precious present moments
There will be no future

Its crazy how One Person can Change your Life.. Lives
That's the Thing about Love ~
At First - Everything about it seems to make sense?
But the Deeper you get ~ the More you Realize ~ You don't know anything at all!!
Love Teaches You
Love Changes You
Love makes you do things you'd never thought you could do...
Love can bring out the Best in us...
Or the Worst...
Love can Destroy You!
You are Lucky to Survive True Love ~ and make it back to Reality..
Some people Never Escape ~ They just Cannot Let Go of the Fantasy...
But I learned my Lesson ~ I Realized - I've been Looking for a Fantasy ~ but all along ~
*The Truth was right infront of Me!