I haven't had a reason to write
You're happily engaged
My life has also changed

I fell inlove again
Saw a future with that special someone
Just started building myself up
Thought it would be perfect

Amazing how things can change
In a blink of an eye
Once again I just wanna die!

Heart in pieces
Broken inside
Why no tears falling from my eyes??

Suppose I'm use to the pain by now
I don't feel it that bad anymore
It all gets easier in time

I have what I need
My sons unconditional love
The only thing keeping me alive!!

Her Heart is abstract art - it is Magic
Her soul is a masterpiece that moves like the tides..
She is the moon and everything around her the earth..
She lights you up like the sun and when you align you change the tides..
Her beauty is Enchanting!
she leaves a cosmic trail as she orbits around your thoughts..
She is chaos, but she is Your kind of Magic!!

I care for my people ~ just wish they noticed!
I cry when you hurt ~ can't you see my tears?
Feel my presence ~ I'd love to make you smile!
You are my friend ~ therefore I'm blessed!

When I saw you for the very first time
My eyes could not stop staring
Your beauty absolutely amazed me

When our lips locked for the very first time
I was shocked by our chemistry
The perfection is still a mystery

As soon as i slipped out my dream back into reality
I realized this just could never be
I fell in love with a girl ~ just like me!

Will it be too much
To tell the world I don’t want to live?
Will they understand
Will I just be judged?

In a world so busy
Where I am so numb
Never thought I would get this way again…
This time I don’t understand..

I never wanted this
I believed in love again…
Now its all gone…
Again

No feeling inside
No tears to cry
No love to give
Nor to receive…

Will it be too much
To tell the world I don’t want to live
Will they understand
Or will I just be judged…???


this world is just too much...

What if the timing was wrong –?
And we didn't want to let go –
And then we started loving the Wrong soul??

There would be no such thing
Seeing that we are there…
Right where we were meant to be...

Even though
We don’t always believe
Everything was planned for a reason…

Make the most of what you have
Make every second count
After all – it is the present…

As I sit here in the dark
My mind goes blank
But only one vision
That does not seem to vague

The memories of you and I
Are bringing tears to my eyes
Thinking of the past
I cannot help but smile

We've had our ups and downs
Fair share of sadness and laughs
But without a lie
I'll never look back and frown

If anything had to happen
And I would have to die
I can happily say
I have been loved!

But in reply
Without any delay
I would have to shout out loud
You were the one that owned my heart

I have Loved...

Don't live with regrets
There may not be a tomorrow
Don't wait to tell that someone special
Time may fly away
And you'll never a chance
Don't wake tomorrow
And have done nothing about it
Make mistakes
If you don't
Its the memories that will be lacking
Don't fake it
Your life will not be real
And will not have lived
Live life to the fullest
Everyone dies
But not everyone LIVES!!

For I am Fine ~
Working on getting better.
But the thought..
Of what Could’ve been…
Still haunting me..!!

Really trying my utmost best
To get you out of my head..
But it’s your face I see
When I go to sleep...
It’s your body i'm longing
When I wake up in the morning...

It’s your voice I want to hear
Starring at my phone
Can’t wait for your name to appear!
Can’t wait to be with you alone…

Both of us occupied...
Why do we have such terrible timing?

My son means the world to me
And you almost mean as much

I cannot help but wonder
Why you'd move to her so quickly
But you never did the same for me
Although I always begged you

It has no relevance
You happy now
For that I'd always be thankful

Wish I could be there with you
For you..

But I know
You know
I will always love you..

I want to write you a poem
Tell you how I feel
But if I only knew...

Its not that I don't love you
Or wanna be without you
If I only knew...

Pushing you away is what I end up doing
Not that I want you any closer
If I only knew...

I am pretty sure this is what I wanted
Convinced that I was ready
If I only knew...

Am I loving you
Or hurting you
If I only knew

What am I suppose to do??

Closest friends
Betray you
Family
Denies you
Lovers
Leave you

When all has gone wrong
And you've been left alone
With no where to go
Who are you suppose to turn to

God has never saved you
Satan will never love you

The cold wind warms you
Heat thrills you

You're out there on your own

Don't frown upon the world
Someone out there
Feels just as lonely and cold

There's a uncontrollable sadness in my heart
Its killing me to leave you behind
Feels like I'm doing this all wrong
But its for my future I need to stay strong
Loving you for all the right reasons
What we have between us is so scares
Not sure if I will ever find a happiness like ours again
Just hope this will be all woth it in the end
I don't mind putting my own happiness aside
Just hoping you'll find yours along the way
Me leaving you for the wrong reasons
should prove I'm not worth your time

I use to be the one
To brighten everyone's day
Put a smile on their pretty little face

Wipe the tears
Replace the fears

Be their voice
Their standing rock

Make them sing
Bring happiness

Let them believe
There's beauty in everything

How did I become this weak??

Its been s0 l0ng
Maybe too l0ng..

There's always been a reason
For mY being..

Love has brought me too much pain

Trust in n0 one I'm able t0 gain

Em0ti0nless
Loveless
Is da way I wanna stay..

Feeling for an0ther
Causes too much pain

This way I stay free
Its always just about Me
The hurt
Will neva agen be..

Can u see what I mean..

I'm trying to sAve mE!

Through my years
And different life cycles
I have come across
Quite a few surprises

I have seen
many Friends come and go
Many relationships fail
Plenty hearts break

But so few
Who ever found true love

How many put their hearts on line
How many put their lives on the line
All in hope to find that 0ne Love
To be with till the end of time

Never realizing
That  True Happiness
Comes from
Deep within

Hearts were made to be broken
Friends will always disappoint you
Love never really finds away
Or have any meaning

There's only 0ne..
One who will be honest and speak truth
One who love you for you
Only one who will always stay True..
That 0ne ~ is You!!

Find it in YourSelf
Make Yourself happy!
Love Yourself!!
It all lies within!!
Nothing else ever really matters!!..
But YOU!!

As we walk through the forest
Hand in hand
Both with our white dresses on
The big orange moon up in the sky
Glowing of our beauty
Brighter than the stars
There we stand at the council
As we are blessed with the first day of our lives
The start of our future
As we say I do and kiss
Crowds cheering with tears of happiness
We sign the register just to make it legal
Never has it crossed our minds that one day  we will sign again
Just to make it final
As we walk our separate ways
The sun's reflection on the lake
Deep down inside
Wishing we still felt the same...
  As that moment at the alter...

Once you realize your own flaws
No one can use them against you
That is not true

You are your own worst enemy
Once those flaws are made visible
When they become clear to you
That is when you fall

Opening your eyes
To what have been
And what may come
Is the biggest mistake of all

You start living in fear
Not to indulge in the pleasurable sins
You become to scared to actually live

We are all human
And no body ain't perfect
Mistakes let you learn
They make you grow

Do not let the past be held against you
It is that what shaped you...

From dancing on tables
To sitting in the corner

From being the loudest
To having no voice

From being the strongest
I'm now the weakest

From seeing only beauty in all things
Now I see the ugly in me

I use to make people feel good
Now all I bring is tears

I use to be soft and gentle
Now I throw a punch or two

I was always smiling and laughing
No all I do is shout from anger

How did I become this nasty person?
Its a whole new me
And nothing for the good!

Its not like me
To hurt another human being
But it feels like that's all I recently do?!

I don't want to be this person
I hate the changes in me
I wanna go back to the old Vilene!!

Blessed are those
Who look with beauty in their eyes
Who strive for not wealth
But only happiness inside

Blessed are those
Who offers their helping hand
Despite their own struggles

Blessed are those
Who carry their own demons
Yet still wears a mask!

One day I will write you poem..
With all the most beautiful words in the Oxford dictionary
Just to maybe get to express your beauty to me..

I still cannot comprehend
This beautiful love we share..
So unique – so rare..

Since I laid my eyes on you for the very first time
I never needed anything more again..
I am so fulfilled..

Can hardly believe the memories of my past was truly me..
You made me believe in the beauty of me
Made me see who I can be
For that I would be ever grateful!

You made me want to change in who I am today
To be this better person
To love you and treat you right!

Thank you for loving me so perfectly!
I cannot wait to become your wife!
And wake up next to you for the rest of my life!!

The thought of You
Should put a smile on my face
But instead ~
It brings tears to my eyes…
\
Loving you is all I want to do
Want to bring the sun and moon to you...
Give you all the stars in the sky…
And make you smile!

Are we willing?
To put our feelings aside..??
Live a Lie..?
Is that really Living?

What are we doing this for?
Not to hurt another’s soul??
Them be happy… ~
And we live life being sad…

Second passing in recent times.. and with everyone I had a feel of guilt inside.. I am now left with that 'what if' , should I have known? Could I have done something? What if I answered or returned that missed call?? I think we always take tomorrow for granted. Think we will have more time. Reality is, we don't!! We don't have time! We are borrowed to this world! So use the time you have! Make the best of it! Give all the love, support and attention you can give! Use your time! Use it wisely! Lovingly! I am so sorry.. :'( I am so sorry! I honestly thought I had more time!! And now again I have to say goodbye. That final goodbye..

From my flesh
Through my core
Straight into my

  ~Soul

Every firbre of my being
& my entire soul
Loves you completely

The vastness of my love
Runs so deeply
Passing all my fears
Into tears
Knowing what you deserve
Is so much more!!

May the one you marry one day
Give you My Love
And that little bit more..

My heart can think it is a race horse
                                while my mind is running marathons..

But when i look into those beautiful green eyes..
                                 it all starts to fall...

The leaves carried in the wind
                                    moves in slow - mo - tion -

Then you put your hand on my face
                                   and start caressing my lips...
                  
                         It is Then...
                                   When the Whole World...
                                                   Just....
                                                          Disappears.....

Everyone is gone
My house or home is empty
So is my heart..

This is what I wanted
Yet I'm crying..
Its too quiet?

Don't know how this is gonna end
How long will it take
For a broken heart to mend?

Loosing you ~
Is not my intention
But this is what i have to do

In order to find ME

I do not like your lips
Nor the way you smile  
I do not like your tongue
Nor the way you kiss
I do not like your ears            
Nor the stretcher you fear
I do not like your nose
Nor the way you smell
I do not like your eyes
Nor the way you stare
I do not like your hands
Nor the way you touch
I do not like your hair
Nor the way it curls
I do not like your clothes
Nor the way it hugs
I do not like your skin
Nor the way you sweat      

I do not like you any more
I don't know who you are....

     I do not like who you have become

I'm hungry
But can't eat
I'm tired
But can't sleep
My thoughts are busy
But my mind is empty?
My mind is busy
But my thoughts are empty?
I am sad
But there's no tears..
How can you be there
While I'm over here!
How can you sleep
While I'm crying over here!
How can you smile
When I just wana drown?
How can you not see
Its for you that I feel!
But how can I feel
When the heart bleeds?
It was all a big mistake
Death was here to take!

I cannot even remember how I fell so hard for you
The one day I was moving house
The next I was madly in love with you
Sending you cartoon rainbows exploding into little red hearts... or was it visa versa??
Months went by
I was still walking on the clouds
Thinking earth  is our heaven
And God blessed me with an angel
     Then the devil came and stole you
Even took your memory
Then I realised earth is hell and here we will stay till the day we pass away
And maybe then ill get to the ports of heaven
And experience inner peace happiness      
But Till that day I shall embrace the hurricane in my mind and  storm in my broken heart

I told you i love you
with every fibre of my being
When you left
You took all of me with you...

Now I'm left with an empty shell...

He looks up to me
Like I am the best
Nothing I can ever do
Will make him love me any less

The beauty of a child's innocence
Seeing only good
Not yet scorned by this world

Loving unconditionally
Both big and small
Caring for all
Never want to take him out into this world

Wishing his beautiful little heart
Will always remain the same
Never get hurt
Never turn cold

He looks up to me
Seeing  only my best
When will he realize
All the **** in my head

Praying his eyes will never change
Seeing only the good
Seeing me forever the way he does now

I have so many flaws
Make so many mistakes
I do try my best
But will always fail

Hoping he will never hear
Any wrongs in my past
He will always hear my words
Of this unconditional LOVE

May he never cease to touch me lovingly the way he does
His little hands never pull away

May he grow up
To be who I believe he is
And never doubts that I only tried my best
Giving him a life filled with everything I never felt

May he feel loved deeply
Feel happiness from within
Feel the sense of fulfilment
Which I never received

My only wish in life
Is that my son
When he is grown up
To know the love I had for him
And with all my flaws, faults, mistakes
That he is the reason I have grown
My motivation to be better today than yesterday...

I have grown so much these last few years
Changed myself into a completely different person
I have been sober for so many months I actually stopped counting..

I have taken different paths
Stayed in different places
Made different friends
Gone on many adventures

Yet your memory still lingers
Like I cannot rid myself of you
When I see your name appear on my page
I need to stop myself from texting you…
Just wanna know how you’ve been…
Do you ever think of me?

Its been so long…
And I am so different..
Bet you are too…
We would not even know each other..
Like strangers in the right place at the wrong time…

It doesn’t really matter
Being this new me
Has shown me real feelings
A love never experienced
And a pain I have never felt

It makes no difference to who I am
I am always the one who ends up with the broken heart
Can only wish you all the happiness I hope for…

I use to be that one
Most people respected
And looked up to

Everyone wanted to know me
Some wanted to be me
And I'm not vain by saying so

I feel different now
I've lost my sense of direction
I've lost my smile
I've lost my voice

I'm just existing now
Not living anymore
I use to have a cause
Now I'm just lost

I no longer have my own opinion
I don't know what I feel
I have lost my ambition
I've given up on me

I use to bring smiles
Now all I see is tears
What happened to me?
How did I become this mean??

The mattress swallowing me in so deep I can feel my heart beat between my chest and the sheets
The darkness around me shadowing my vision for the future
The silence around me is so loud I cannot hear  a thing
My eyes are so blurry from the waterfalls streaming down my cheek
   My head is exploding from the overbearing thoughts of you not being here
My legs are so restless all they wanna do is run to you  no matter the distance
My hands pulling out my hair while I wonder why you left me for her????

We get blessed with these precious gifts
Our kids
While we are still kids ourselves
Not having our **** together
Not been raised to grow up at all
Adults not even knowing the difference between rights and wrongs
Living life just coping
Barely surviving

How are we suppose to raise them
Without them breaking
******* up the one thing
That should be most important
For them not to feel the way we did growing up
Not to make the same mistakes our parents did

How are we suppose to school them
If we got tought the wrong way
Our childhood left us in pieces
How do I pick up the pieces
Whilst having all this responsibility
Still trying to find ourselves
And not **** up what we got blessed with
Always doing our best
Yet it never feels enough
Always failing
Not being able to give them the lives they deserve
Which we never had
What we still strive for...

We should raise them
I guess..
To be everything you will never be..

Every day is a new day
And one day closer to getting there
To mend a broken heart
Yet every day is another day to add to the distance we spend apart

From the start I said
I love you so much it hurts
Never expected this…

You broke me into pieces..
Yet I still love you so much
It hurts

I think about you every day..
Remembering the love we shared
And it really hurts

I hope she loves you the way I did
I wish you only happiness
Even though it hurts

I miss you every day
Our memories will never fade
I love you so much it hurts

Real love really Hurts…

Pain has a way of doing that to us
If it's left unresolved
You can Forget what you were Created for..
That's not something God wants for Any of us..

That's why we have our obstacles -
God is giving us Flying Lessons

Breath of Life
Creativity - Action
Breath of Life

Love is Meant to Exist
For Internal Relationship
That's All we Want
&
that's
All we Need...

Even if You Cannot See it

You are in the Centre
Of our universe,
LOVE & PURPOSE

As beautiful as All is
It is Nothing Compared
To This Love

Those without love
Need no more Punish


They Scar Themselves...

Ek maak myself
    Dwel

Dwel
          In die Donker....

Been doing absolutely great
Emotionally and physically
Been great feeling like this again!

But being me...
Always seems to happen..
Always so weak!

Happy days and happy thoughts
Spontaneous and vibrant
Being the good me

But the other me
Just kicks in unexpectedly
Out of nowhere
I am weak

I love waking up
My son crawls into bed next me
Little birdy and monster kisses
Starts our day fantastically

Then she reappears
Changes everything
Dynamics to personalities..
She becomes weak..

Waking up is no longer easy
Dreadful to say the least
Fun drawn out of me

Miserable days
That lasts for weeks...

When will she realize this is not me!
This is who I do not want to be...

I Failed Love
        again....
Or did Love Fail Me??
        again...

Browsing through my memories
Everywhere I'm seeing you
You've been apart of my world
For so many years

I've had some wise times
Some dark times
Good times
And bad times times

You were there
Through it all

Now I have no more time

After all these years
Being my best friend
&
My person...

Why did you have to break me
So ugly
If all you could've done
Was say
You didn't want me

She changes

With the Moon & the Sun..

Who you think she is..
Whether it is when the Sun shines bright
or
when the Moon & Stars are smiling upon us...

~The Real~

behind all those different masks..
At different times..
Towards different relations..

Will be close to impossible

To uncover

from all those layers of
Self destruction
Self defences
Self protection
Self loath
Self love
Self Hide..

And /or any of the above!

Discovering who She Really is...

Will be the Greatest of Challenges
& Hardest of Tasks..

But the Most Exhilarating
Time of Your Life!

My planet is different I guess..
Where people are kind and struggles are real - but handled decently & maturely..
Where the pain subsides..
And DreamZzz are met..
Where love grows & blossoms daily..
Where rainbows still mean Hope!
And Tomorrow is finally  something to look forward to..

There's no greater sense of loss than that of a loved one
No greater loss than the passing of a husband - a father - friend & family..

No loss greater loss than the passing of the strongest man you know -
No greater loss than the passing of the one man you respect most
No greater loss than the passing of your father...

No great loss than the passing of the man you loved, respected & perceived as your father ..


Written by:
Someone that
  needs her person for some sense of comfort..
The Sad Lonely Outsider

...

The reason why our dark side is so extremely dark
BALANCE
We fail to realize how good our good is

Because of you
I've learnt to
Punish Myself
       ... Alone...

Dear best friend..
I will never understand why you had to leave

But I want you to know
I have found another you
A better version of you

One who does not blame
One who does expect
One who lets me be

This I wish for you..
Where ever you run to
I sincerely hope you find
                                        YOU!

First I thought history was repeating itself
Sho obviously it was me who's lesson had to be learned..

As I criticize myself, old habits resurface
Insecurities return...

History Repeats Itself!

And with that realization.. I started doubting my self worth

Which led to me straight back to that
One thing
Very one thing...

That makes me
     QUINCH!