Ek maak myself
    Dwel

Dwel
          In die Donker....

Browsing through my memories
Everywhere I'm seeing you
You've been apart of my world
For so many years

I've had some wise times
Some dark times
Good times
And bad times times

You were there
Through it all

Now I have no more time

First I thought history was repeating itself
Sho obviously it was me who's lesson had to be learned..

As I criticize myself, old habits resurface
Insecurities return...

History Repeats Itself!

And with that realization.. I started doubting my self worth

Which led to me straight back to that
One thing
Very one thing...

That makes me
     QUINCH!

If all things are done
                 IN
               Love

There wouldn't be one
         Lost
            Soul....

Without our precious present moments
There will be no future

I have now felt
What you felt
What you felt so deeply in me..

And I apologize..
I am so sorry for not feeling what you did..

I have now felt the beauty, fearless, shameless, blameless, unconditional Godly Love
You felt all along

And I truly hope & pray you will find that beauty again some time soon..

You deserve it too

Dear best friend..
I will never understand why you had to leave

But I want you to know
I have found another you
A better version of you

One who does not blame
One who does expect
One who lets me be

This I wish for you..
Where ever you run to
I sincerely hope you find
                                        YOU!

I do not want to leave you
Or ever completely loose you

I want to be by your side
One day when youre completely sinile, old & blind..

I want you to live a complete life
Filled full with smiles#

I wish you someone
That can fill all the holes & cracks
In areas where I lacked...

My person you may be
But my love does not complete you
My rights are wrong for you

How can I ever be
The One
For you?

Going through something like that is never pleasant for either party...

I hope you can heal your hearts in No Time!
Feel the hurt.. To feel alive..
Process the Anger... Not to walk around with hatred in your heart!
Acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster- and identify each emotion as you go along this will help with your personal growth and gain emotional maturity...
Don't blind yourself to your own mistakes - you can only learn from it and start your personal growth thereafter..

FORGIVE!!!
FORGIVE your spouse for whatever wrongs had been done...
&
FORGIVE YOURSELF ~ that might be the most difficult journey of them All ~ But The Most Important one to heal the Heart!

Take it day by day....
Acceptance takes a while...
However, if you still have just the most tiniest bit of Love left in your heart...

Always give Love another try...

The reason why our dark side is so extremely dark
BALANCE
We fail to realize how good our good is

Fight for Light till the End
Once all Hope is Lost
And the Spark is Out
Love & Forgiveness
Can still Conquer it All

Only Truth can Set you Free
Revenge can Never Defeat

We are
Love is
The Spark that Lights the Fire
To burn All the Darkness Out

The rebellion is born
The war is only beginning
And if I Die today
I Will Not be Last of the Light

Anything struck in Anger
Will Always Stay with you
Just like your demons

A FORCE of Believe
Of utmost inner strength
Can obtain any Obstacle in your way

Anger & Revenge
Will Only **** those
Who carry it within them

Searching for the Dark
Looking for it
It is the curiosity that leads us

Drowning in the Dark
Mirror reflections
Endlessly
And all I see
is
Me
As far as I can see in the rear
So much less forward do I feel
Within that Deep Darkness
You find your Comfortablity

You know it won't go on Forever
It is Leading You
Somewhere..

It's at the End
Where you find out ~ What you came to See..

Let me See x3

Please

Once Faced with True Reality
All you see & Have
Is YOU!!

Thought you'll find the answers
Deep within the darkness
But it left you stranded - feeling all
Alone..

But you FEEL
BALANCE / FORCE
And you Realize
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WALK ALONE!!

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
The shake hands with the other You
Once Accepted
Both you're Good & Bad

It provokes
The sense of Fear

Fear
Darkness will resurface

If you do not Forgive
The past
Conflict will remain within You
You give Darkness the Upper Hand

The Fight has to be Together
Without Both
There is No Greater Force
Letting Darkeness into Your Light
And visa versa

It is Time
Time is All there is
You Choose
To Live
Or to live in the Past
Where Time then just Passes by..

Stop looking for horizons
It's right under your nose

Quit being weak
Quit being unwise
Pass on what you have learned
Strength
Wisary
The Greatest Teacher
Failure is

Reparh what they grow beyond
That is the True version of Mastery

Do Not let any Obstickles you face in Life ~ Ever interfere with Your Own Personal Growth... "V.J."

Vilene Joubert

"Inner Peace"* is Nothing Else But merely the utter Tolorance & Acceptance of Whatever ******* ******* Life Decides to Trow at You!!!!

Cherish the few Decent humans left with Good Hearts!

This is who I am
The raw brutal truth

I am an addict
I will always be!

I am a hypocritical lier
But only when it come to usage
Other than that
I speak nothing
But brutal truth

My appearance is total opposite
Of what I carry inside
I look strong
I look like the biggest *****

In fact
I am not

I am gentle
Soft hearted
Kind

I love everybody
I am loud
Outspoken

Once you Stop doing things to please others & Start doing things for Yourself, selfishly so... Only then ~ Will Those Things work out for YOU!!!

When you're the only one who failed to see what a decent humanbeing she actually is...
You don't find such beauty in hearts anymore..
And you realize - What you took for granted - Another will Appreciate!
Another will ~
Love her ~ the way she deserves to be Loved!!

May Our Home
Inside
Only portray such
Love, Joy & Positivity
To the outside
That it becomes contagious
And spread like a virus

**

The mind has it's own Faith
And in itself can make a Hell or Heaven


War in heaven was about
What caused Lucifer to turn against God

Fallen Angels who could not choose
Were forced to walk the earth
But neither group can leave this world
Because of one of their own
The rebel Angel rejected both sides of the war
God & Lucifer alike
All in his persuit of Human Love
So all remain on earth till he chooses a side in the Only war that has ever ben waived
The war we still see every day
Raging all around us


If the Risk is Worth the Reward.. Then why not just Go for it??


It is humility that makes men as Angel's & it was Pride who turned Angels into Devils ..

I'm tired of listening to everyone's twisting religious fables to fit their Own Believes!
You tell this story as if Love was just a choice ...
& with True Love ~ You do not get to Choose?!

All sins tend to be addictive
And at the terminal point of addiction is damnation

Its crazy how One Person can Change your Life.. Lives
That's the Thing about Love ~
At First - Everything about it seems to make sense?
But the Deeper you get ~ the More you Realize ~ You don't know anything at all!!
Love Teaches You
Love Changes You
Love makes you do things you'd never thought you could do...
Love can bring out the Best in us...
Or the Worst...
Love can Destroy You!
You are Lucky to Survive True Love ~ and make it back to Reality..
Some people Never Escape ~ They just Cannot Let Go of the Fantasy...
But I learned my Lesson ~ I Realized - I've been Looking for a Fantasy ~ but all along ~
*The Truth was right infront of Me!

And every night you crawl in bed
And feel the warmth of body heat
Either from your husband or your wife...
Remember Me...!

In the morning when you wake
And you are - not alone..
I hope you remember Me ..!!

When it's time to leave for work
Together - or naybe even separately ...
Kiss each other on the cheeck
And remember Me!

When you have some Great news
Excited to inform
Him... Or Her...
Get on that phone and start dialing...
I hope you think of me..

Take the good with the bad
Your heart is feeling sad
Whilst you being comforted
With a loving shoulder to cry on
I hope you remember Me...

When both of you receive that text
Not just One - but Two
Income salaries have been received
I Hope you think of me...!!

And when you pay your bills
Everything split in two's
I hope you remember me
& my kids!!

Angels & Demons fighting me
Both equally strong

Fight so tight
I got squeezed out the way

Angels & Demons fighting so long

          Even they have forgotten about me....

You can only feel what you feel
You can never feel what I feel

Even in the same scenario
Same time
Same place

Even if you try your hardest
I still cannot feel what you feel
Nor can you feel what I feel. ..

My biggest flaw is that I love deeply...
Yet, I do not know how to love really...

And yet I do not understand how one can love me so deeply.. When I feel I am not worthy..
For the way I love ... I'd much rather see them happy receiving the love they deserve ~ Even if it breaks my Soul and shutter my being into pieces..
You deserve so much more than what I have to offer...

Love directs

And think not that you can direct the course of love

For Love
If it finds You Worthy
Love directs your course

It was easier doing it
Than
Getting it undone"!

My life has Not turned out remotely close to what I planned and worked so hard for all this time that has passed..

But we all had choices..
We all make mistakes..

And we are blessed if we are able to acknowledge our mistakes and where things went wrong..

Again we are faced with choices to which way our paths will go..

The only thing left to do - is,
To start all over again!
Right our wrongs!
Choose our path.
Begin the new journey to reach our destiny
Our fate is solely up to Us!

However, you do not need to walk it all alone!
Like you feel you do and almost expect it to be

The only thing certain in life is change

And change is obviously what you Need!

It is also the most scary ..
Fear of the unknown
The uncertainty
The people you Will loose along the way...

I can assure you, this will be the Most Uncomfortable, most fearful, most DIFFICULT Choice you'll ever have to make..!!

But I can Also Promise you ~ Your new Destination ~ Will be Worth every second of it!!!!

It will be Worth all the sweat, pain & tears of excruciating days in & nights alone filled with sorrow, loneliness , tears & fears!!

If you can be Strong enough for just a brief moment in time ~ you will have a glorious lifetime without regret & all this self inflicted ******* we tend to grab, attract and hold so tightly onto...

It all boils down to
You..

You just have to Choose..

Remember
You Always have a Choice!

Will you choose the
Easy way
You've known for so long..??

Or do you choose
The road unknown
The hardest path
Obstacle infused..

Yet the most Amazing..??

Ask Yourself...

Do You Choose Change..??

Do You Choose

                        *You*..???

Your "little breakdown"
Revealed the truth
Of your
Ugly
Soul

All your absurd accusations
Was a mirror
To your own web of deceit

All your insecurities
Was the reflection
Of your own actions

All the ugliness you see
Is not this world

It is You!!!

Your "temporary insanity"
Was the true reflection
Of how ugly the
Universe is
Within
You!

After all these years
Being my best friend
&
My person...

Why did you have to break me
So ugly
If all you could've done
Was say
You didn't want me

A life time of memories
Gone in a blink
Blamed on
Temporary
Insanity
??

You promised not to run
But come to me
You promised we'll Always be
Best friends above all
Atleast...
You promised you'd never lie
But I have not seen
Any truth...

The ugliness you poured on me
Is that the inner You?

Originally
I wanted it to be
Just Zayden & Me..
For I do not want a life like this...

Of constantly convincing
Then countered
to proof
my
Inadequacy
to
Love you

I do not want to leave you
Or ever completely loose you

I want to be by your side
One day when you're completely senile, old & blind..

I want you to live a complete life
Filled full with smiles

I wish you someone
That can fill all the holes & cracks
In areas where I lacked...

My person you may be
But my love does not complete you
My rights are wrong for you

How can I Ever be
"The One"
to you?
How will i Ever be
.. Right for You?

From my flesh
Through my core
Straight into my

  ~Soul

Every firbre of my being
& my entire soul
Loves you completely

The vastness of my love
Runs so deeply
Passing all my fears
Into tears
Knowing what you deserve
Is so much more!!

May the one you marry one day
Give you My Love
And that little bit more..

I can never understand why Somebody would want to Change Anybody..??

I'm not referring to your Basic mannerisms & Respect..

You can Always teach to Love & Respect!
Show the way to Kindness & Gentleness!

But WHY Change Who they are & What they do??

Is that not what Defines the True Being??

Change is Certain
Change is inevitable

Every Failure ~ Every Success
Every Single Choice You Make
Changes Your Core Being
                       &
Changes Your Perceived Reality!

Do Not Force
Change
Upon Anyone

Everyone has issues
Everyone has baggage
Everyone has a story
Everyone has old Habits...
                   Good / Bad
Which molded the Human
Into who they are today

You met them smoking
Drinking
Swearing
Or
Going to Church every Sunday

Why take these things Away
To Suit Your Own Selfish ways?

You may have Changed
But
They may not be ready & their
Time for Change
Is just Not Now!

Be Patient
Be Kind

it will be right in due time...

You may Not have met me Yet..
But believe it or not -
I've met You!

And if you can Trust Me
                           I can Help You ...

*Change Your Story!

I wish I could Tell the Whole Story..
But i can't..
I had Help..
Therefore, I Only have Half the Story.
Rest needs come from Who ever You Share Your Story with..  

There's some Mercy ~

                                   that Memories Fade as well...

Memories of Overwhelming Joy
             Profound Sadness...
                        Gravity
Pride
Grief
Dispear
Remorse
Passion
Regret

Regret...

Regret

The Strongest Memories ~
We Keep
&
Safeguard
With us! ~ at All Times..

                 Are
                     Ones of

                            *LOVE!

This is & will Not be our final goodbye my boy!!

My sincerest apologies that you had to be dragged away in that manner! No-one deserves that!
And matters does Not Ever need to be handled so cold or harshly by Any Adult!

I know you don't have it easy & to top it, you cannot even express and/ or Feel what you feel right now.. For that too, I am sorry!

I am not gonna ask where you guys are. It's not my place anymore... :(
But I do want to know if you're okay? Comfortable? All these things! Lol. Are you safe? Comfortable? Need anything? Etc. Etc. Lol

If you ever need anything ~ I'm just a text away!
If you ever need Anyone..
I'll be right here waiting to hear from you!
I'm not going anywhere unless I know you'll be 100%!

Please remember I will Always Fight for you!
No matter What or Who!
With my bare hands & small fists!
I will even fight battles in court if I have to! Lol!

Son,
I love you as my Own!
And I will fight for You as if I  gave birth to You Myself!!

Don't Ever let Any obstacle on Your Path  or in Your Life, you inevitably have to face ~  Stand in the way of Your Greatness!!

Never bow down! - Stand Tall (as you are! Lol)
Never back down! Firmly stand your ground!
Never loose Faith! Remain humble!
And Never Ever Change or Loose that Beautiful Heart of Yours!!

Always Trust - until proven otherwise!
Always Remain Hopeful!
Always Motivate Others!
Always help where you can!

Be Gentle!
Be Kind!

And Always ~ Always
Love!
Believe in Love!
Do Everything in the name of Love!
Love is the One & Only thing that can Literally *Conquer it All!

Life ~ is a Journey
It's a long road
, it never ends..

It's the imperfections that motivates us ~  keeps us alive...

Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity. Pride is  the burden of a foolish person.

"Everyone has a past - with baggage..
Every one has issues..
It is Your behavior, Demeanor & How you Treat Others ~ that Ultimately Defines You!" V.J

Smoking it All
**** after ****

See your troubles
In transparent grey
But never really goes away..

**** after ****
I sense I don't belong ..

Not here..
Nor there...
Not Anywhere!

So why am I here..??

The excruciating pain endured
Left visible scars Over the years..
Heavy burdens i daily carry
burnt so deep into my soul ~
The roots make **** blossom!

The Reward:
Just Some More
Wisdom
Just some More
Knowledge
Just some more pain to endure..
Just some more burdens to carry
Just some more scars to prove them

What use is the Wise
With heavy hearts
&
In
Despair?

The more you suffer
  ...more wisdom gained
Yet - in the End..
still looses the game..

How can the Heart be Happy
Carrying the knowledge
Of a world in pain?

How can you Belong
Knowing
It's your wisdom causing the pain??

So what's the purpose of it all??

There's no greater sense of loss than that of a loved one
No greater loss than the passing of a husband - a father - friend & family..

No loss greater loss than the passing of the strongest man you know -
No greater loss than the passing of the one man you respect most
No greater loss than the passing of your father...

No great loss than the passing of the man you loved, respected & perceived as your father ..


Written by:
Someone that
  needs her person for some sense of comfort..
The Sad Lonely Outsider

...

Don't you think I feel exactly the same?! It kills me not knowing where you are & who you're with.. I don't even know your friends!! Atleast when I say who I'm with, you'll know their faces! You'll know who they are. I cannot say the same..& that freaks me da **** out!
Don't you think I want to wake up next to you every morning? I DO! I wanna grow old with U!?
But I don't know if you feel the same way I do? I don't get any reassurance from you? You make me feel like I am not missing from your life? That I carry no value whatsoever! U make it look so easy to walk away & say goodbye without a word, nor effort trying to keep me?
I feel like neither my presence nor my absence makes any difference to You?
You're saying goodbye. Again?!
In less than a week I had to hear it twice from You! Can u imagine what that feels like?
I don't ask 4 much. Just your respect, kindness, loyalty, trust & communication. &  YOUR LOVE! Is that unreasonable?
Is it unreasonable asking You to try harder when your head ***** out & you refuse to see what you're doing to us?
It frustrates me to the extend of aggression & violence! & I'm not like that! I flippen hate that! &
I'm so sorry for not being able to control my emotions :'(
Please forgive me?
I respect your wishes...
I have no other choice!
Besides, its not like you're gonna make any effort fighting for me anyway..
I so badly wish you would.
I'll always love you
I feel your emptiness!
Why am I not worthy of your love?
:'(
Take care :(
Have an okay day..
Mine is gonna **** seeing i woke up with yet another goodbye..
With all my heart.
I love you!
**

Oh how beautiful to know
That
GOD
Loves us Blameless
Either or...
Stop blaming others..
Stop blaming yourself
See how beautifully Blameless
God's Love is for All of Us!!

Oh how beautiful to know
That
GOD
Loves us Blamelessly..
Either or...
Stop blaming others..
Stop blaming yourself
See how beautifully Blameless
God's Love is
...for All of Us!!