I'm doing it again
Running away
Putting others peoples problems, opinions and well being
Above my own

I don't like to see people suffer
Or hurt in the slightest way

Yet their opinions of me
Is greater than my own?

I know my heart is golden
My intentions are pure

Yet I'm still worried
How they see me?

I don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going either

My future has never been this uncertain!

I'm fighting a loosing battle
My thoughts are killing me

Yet I'm not getting to a conclusion
It causing more confusion

I do not even have a clue
What the problem might be

Can't go digging in the past
Too scared of what I'll find

Went through all my write
From the last few years
And it was clear

History repeats itself

Its a vicious cycle
On repeat

Once again
I'm lying here
Heart filled with tears

And I still don't know the core

Trying to figure out my ways
And why I cannot change

I'd rather be alone
Than take a chance to love
Coz I know how much it hurts

Uncertainty is killing me
I can no longer see me future

I don't know what is wrong with me

Dying to fall inlove
And just be truly happy with what I've got!

But the grass is always greener on the other side

One never seems to be enough!

Feel like moving to another town
Running away is what I usually do
The easy way out

I'm a coward you see

I cannot face my fears
Don't wanna dig for core problems either

I'm scared of what I might find in my past

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Feel like a failure
But worst of all
I've failed my son!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Have to stand my ground
Not let go - just hang on
Do not let the last little piece of Me
Go out of control!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Failure or Not
I have to stay strong
My son depends on me
His unconditional love
Will pull me through!

I've been awake all night
Can't seem to fall asleep
This time, without any methamphetamine

It feels weird - out of the ordinary
Especially after sleeping two full days - in recovery

My gf said my pupils look big
I guess she's doubting my intake too
But not to blame her - I probably would have too

I have so much going through my head
So grateful for many things and friends
My gf and my family above all rest
Except my son, ofcourse - he's forever my No1 and More!

I have a troubled mind
Don't think it entails me this time though..
Its my inner being
That cares so much for the weak...

I know I help where I possibly can
Lucky for me - I have a very understanding and supportive group
But all the worlds troubles,
Are causing me sleepless nights it seems

Food, we can supply for those in need
Stationary for the poor, is no problem either..
But what about the precious jewels - that end up suicidle?

I had training in this field
Got a certificate to prove it too!
But what use is it - if I don't really know what to do??

She's a very dear friend of mine
Very close to my heart
Unconditional friendship love
I see the hurt in her eyes!!

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

If only God could write it on my cupboard door!!

I am really tired
And need my beauty sleep
My son will need all of me very soon..

But yet - I think..

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

Still hopefully staring at my cupboard door..

I always find a way to help those in need..
Its second nature and easy for me..
But the ones who need my help the most..
Seem to catch me at my weakest -
I'm no good with cancer or disease nor **** addicts neither?! :'(

But I won't give up on either
I refuse to let them go
I know I will find the strength somewhere
And let them know - They will never be alone!
Even if my words and actions fail them - my mind or heart never strays...

So...

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more through..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

No one looks at me the way she does
Her eyes stares into my soul
The glares makes me feel the unknown
Forbidden love that feels so real

Its like both just know
We can be so bad for each other if together
Yet we both just strive to bring out the best in the other

Sharing the same weaknesses
Going through the same difficulties
We are our own addiction
Motivation to stay clean is the love for each other

We are just two **** junkies trying to stay clean
Our love for our drug should pull us apart
Yet it makes us cling to each other in the hope recovery will last

I don't know how sane this is
But it works for us currently
Everything in this moment is exactly how its suppose to be..

I want to give you the love I think you deserve
I want to be the cause of your beautiful smile on your face every day
I want to fill your heart with the greatest joy you'll ever know
I want to hold you close and never let you go
I want to keep you safe from all sorrows and pain

I want to give you all this and even more!!

But my demons fill your big brown eyes with hurtful tears
My words cut you open and slice right through your bones
My actions brings you to your darkest fears

I do not know nor understand
I despise my myself with utter disgust
It sickens me to my stomach that I actually want to *****

You don't need this from me!

My insecurities rip your bleeding heart right out your chest
My defensive behaviour is to guard myself from hurt
But in return our love suffers
The beauty of what we once had gets lost
Our relationship that once was perfected gets affected by my selfishness

How do I stop making the past my present
And just believe in what we've got

I love you without a doubt
Is it the fear of loosing you
That makes me push you further away
That the pain will be less when I end up alone?

I want to give you my sincerest apologies
Ask for your forgiveness
I wish that all that was said can be lifted by the wind and blown away into a distance
Be made forgotten

I want to heal our broken trust
Mend our hearts
And change all this unwanted anger into much needed and well deserved Love!

From dancing on tables
To sitting in the corner

From being the loudest
To having no voice

From being the strongest
I'm now the weakest

From seeing only beauty in all things
Now I see the ugly in me

I use to make people feel good
Now all I bring is tears

I use to be soft and gentle
Now I throw a punch or two

I was always smiling and laughing
No all I do is shout from anger

How did I become this nasty person?
Its a whole new me
And nothing for the good!

Its not like me
To hurt another human being
But it feels like that's all I recently do?!

I don't want to be this person
I hate the changes in me
I wanna go back to the old Vilene!!