its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

My feelings are
Nipping at the heels of
My thoughts, which are
Nipping at the
Heels of my actions
And

I've never felt
So

Strange

In a race
Only with

Myself,
It's dragging on


Forever

I don't sleep much anymore.
It's the same as when we first met,
even though it's not the same.
I used to think "alone" was an adjective,
now I know it's just the state
of not fitting anywhere.
I don't fit anywhere.
There's nowhere to call home.
I hate being awake,
it just reminds me you're not here.
I hate being asleep,
it just reminds me that I'll wake up.
I don't write much anymore.
I have nothing left.
Words can't describe the 
pounding in my head,
or the emptiness in my bones.
So when you ask, "What's wrong?",
I don't have much to say besides,
"I don't sleep much anymore."

I was in love with anatomy
the symmetry of my body
poised for flight,
the heights it would take
over parents, lovers, a keen
riding over truth and detail.
I thought growing up would be
this rising from everything
old and earthly,
not these faltering steps out the door
every day, then back again.

When I was a kid happiness wasn't a decision, it wasn't something you learned from textbooks or teachers, it was a given. And it wasn't given to you by some magical means you just had it.  But as the years slip by, we find we too are slowly slipping, and more and more we have to try to reach for that something we were not given we simply got. And as our fingers brush bravely along the line between bliss and destruction, the definition of happiness is lost.  We read the news in reverse, so the man with the gun removes bullets from the chests of 20 children and their teachers. And the man returns home and becomes a boy in a time when mistakes were forgiven.  Because it seems as we get older the world gets crueler and if its unbearable now, how will ever survive? Because reading the news in reverse won't make those children alive, but perhaps if we open our eyes we will see.  We will see the reverberating effect of hate but don't let anyone tell you its too late for kindness.  The day Kyle decided the world wasn't ready, we finally were.  According to Newton's third law: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, but  when his body made contact the ripples eventually stopped.  And I guess emotions can't be bound by laws because the ripples of pain in the hearts of people he touched never did.  Its been 57 days, 1 hour and 22 minutes but the seconds keep passing as if nothing ever happened but it did.  So smile like there's no tomorrow because time cannot be borrowed and you can't give it to someone who's gone so make it your own.   So rise and shine.  Make this world a better place, even though we are just particles floating in space, we’re gonna be here awhile.  Because maybe happiness is a decision, but I’ve chosen.