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Do you feel that silence
Burning into you
The fury of what you did to me
You took away absolutely everything
And expect me to smile like nothing's happening.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I can't say it enough.
And if you miss hearing from me,
Well, tough.
I never got the chance to really grow up,
Always bound to you like glue.
There are just some things you shouldn't do
To a fourteen-year-old girl who's so confused.
I even told you all about what I had been through.
Still, you crossed all boundaries then tried to blame who?
You blamed me, you placed all the blame on me,
For being young and naive,
For not being able to see
When people were taking advantage of me.
You weren't even here to help or protect,
How dare you act like you've always treated me with respect.
You were downright abusive, don't you forget.
You've filled me with so much guilt and regret,
When you haven't even looked at yourself yet.
I am twisting these
Words simply because of the intricacy
that can be held by muttering together letter after letter
The language formed
The communication
I was going to ask if you remembered that time, but I know better
You know
You remember
When the winds were blowing hard
And we were to go our separate ways
And there I was pounding my fists within my chest
Wailing out
How badly did the desire stained liquid quench feeling of lust want to escape
Built up inside of me
Dying to break out
To be fed
You knew it
You knew I loved you
You stood there
Waiting patiently
gallantly
No you wouldn’t interpose anything
And the little fists within me would keep beating and pounding too afraid to break the rhythm they had formed
You stood tall
It was winter I think
Or perhaps late fall
Definitely not early spring though
Because I know too well
The scent of spring
And the feeling
And the time didn’t match with that
Your eyes glimmered
Secrets within
I so smitten
So afraid to interpose upon you
So afraid
To stand tall
Not wanting to burst our friendship
With anything more
But the desire had become too much
Insatiable with a simple hug or smile
You stood there
Only waiting
Yet I didn’t know it then
And after the years
When it all clicked in
I remember your gallant way of standing
And even now
Sometimes you smile at me
You smile at the deeper root within me
You see the grounding connection between us
You feel it too
But you see my weaknesses
And without doubt
My fears as well
I wish I could show you my strength
Although I know you know
It exists
And rather mundane now
For the time for these thoughts has passed
And now they are just meaningless specks
On the image
Of our youth
And I know you know that I feel I have to prove it
And I know you know I know you know
That it is unnecessary
Sorry for my hesitancy
But that time of year has come again
The rain
The wind
The dividing factors
Pulling away at my skin
At my scarf
And I can ever so clearly remember the prudence
The day
And I realized
Perhaps
For just once
So I can fill my gut
With the fulfillment
That you know
How deep I go
So...
Please,
Don’t smile, I love you
 Nov 2013 Victoria Isabel
Nicole
Dear God,
If there is a god
Why aren't you listening?
I'm not going to sit here and question "why me?"
No, I've accepted my life for what it is.
But I'd like to know why them?
Why are you going to let my best friends die?
If you're so great and powerful,
Then why don't you save them?
show some pity and give them something?
Some reason, some sort of hope to keep going.
I'm trying.
I'm trying harder than you can imagine.
Trying to do what they say your job is.
They need a light, a reason to live, and they
Can't find it.
I'm doing all that I can.
But it isn't enough.
They still want to die, still see no point in living,
But I hope you know that if they go I'll be soon to follow
They're my life, besides my family, Hell they are family.
I don't sit here and wonder "why me?"
Instead I break the silence with screams of
Why NOT me?
Why do they have to suffer and I have things going well?
Why take them? What did they do to deserve this?
I'm the sinner. The one who should die, not them
God how can you take them and
Leave me here to die anyways?
Why not take me and spare them the sorrow?
I hope you know you're taking three lives with you that night.
Tonight I learned that my second best friend wants to die. Now both of my best friends are suicidal and who knows how long they have. I wrote this through a breakdown. I am not religious and I don't really believe in a "God" but this is what came naturally to vent.  I can't understand why this is happening so I guess that leads to questioning the "higher power". I know that if they die, I will not make it very long. I guess life likes to leave the undeserving sinners in our hell of a life longer than the better ones who actually deserve a life and happiness.
Typed almost identically to the hand-written vent.
Once upon a time
there's once a girl
who met a guy
and she fall in love with him
just like love at first sight

and when she met this guy
she observed everything about him
he had pretty hazel brown eyes
a broad cheesy smile
and dark hair too

at the church
she met him again
she said hey
and he said hello,nice to meet you
but she was too shy to continue

they started talking
everyday, every night
falling in love
slowly, deeply, madly

he hold her hands
across the busy road
he buy her flowers
which she love the most.
We had come to see him, the aging Tenor sing.
He was as good as he had always been.
But half way through, a woman appeared,
Moving gracefully in bare feet upon the stage.
Entering the ring of bright spot light near him.
Long blond hair, falling loose around her neck,
Held back both sides by Turtle Shell combs,
Reflecting the light.
Adorned in but a simple, low cut black dress,
Her with a face beautiful as a new spring day.

Held in her left hand an ebony hued violin,
Touched fondly, like a well accustomed old friend.
Her right hand holding a bow, ready and waiting.

The Tenor’s and her eyes met and conveyed a message
Only they understood.  Then starting slow and low,
The full Orchestra commenced. The woman in black
Brought instrument up to her chin, lovingly resting
her face upon it, as if comforted by it's touch to skin.

The fetching violinist, like a graceful reed,
In summer breeze, began to gently sway,
Laid Bow to strings and a transcended beauty,
The voice of both her Instrument and from within she,
Emerged through her fingers, completely filling the hall.
With eyes closed, the slight movements of expression
On her face registering the feelings the musical notes made,
As if those gestures too, guided the bow's musical cords.
Slender precise fingers lovingly caressing the strings.
For nearly a minute, she and her violin played alone.
Her actions of body, hands and head in concert,
To her music, unavoidably hypnotic it could be said.
The Tenor started to sing, and yet my eyes stayed
Locked on her, as if no one else in the room was there.
The blond woman in the black dress owned the stage.

I have no idea how long that piece of music lasted,
I could not attest to what contribution the Tenor made.
Fully my attention and eventually my heart belonged
To that lovely, evocative young woman in the backless,
Little black dress.

It’s true that I may never see or hear her play again,
I know not, even her name.
And yet, I’m sure that I will never forget those
Few minutes mesmerized by her magical spell.
Hopelessly caught in her enchanting web.

With me sitting, third row, isle seat left,
Worshiping as I did, at her so pretty,
Slightly ***** naked feet, the striking
Blond woman in the black dress.
How often do we have these all too brief encounters, mostly
from a distance, on a train, the street, in a store, or a concert.
Captivated by someone we will most likely never see again.
Enchanted for but a moment?  And yet unable to forget.
For me it was this past week at a concert.
My head knocks against the stars.
My feet are on the hilltops.
My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of
     universal life.
Down in the sounding foam of primal things I
     reach my hands and play with pebbles of
     destiny.
I have been to hell and back many times.
I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.
I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.
I know the passionate seizure of beauty
And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs
     reading "Keep Off."

My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive
     in the universe.
they told me not to sip too much from the solo cups
if I didn’t want to get ***** tonight.
the feminist issue here is not keeping up
but keeping low, keeping unnoticed, 
staying as safe as that moldy orange in the Safeway,
never gonna get plucked up and ***** that way.


they told me not to indulge my senses and enhance my intoxication 
levels at risk of decreasing my chances of 
survival against a ******
attacking me.


they told me I feel like I need to keep up with the guys with my drinks,
match my stack of cups to theirs, and I just think 
that’s *******, I just want to drink my ****** beer,
but they said that’s how I’ll get *****
well maybe I binge on a lot of bad habits.
I pile them up on the CVS counter like a checklist of things not to do

smoke, spend too much money and time on ebay bidding on
vintage rings and things I’ll never need, eat a row of oreos out of
my roomate’s care package,
and drink too much at the occasional
party where I fraternize with the males from planet greek,
but does that make me guilty for getting *****?


today I woke up feeling like a damaged cause,
like a present that fell out of the back door of a UPS truck going 
75 miles per hour on the highway in East Tennessee
and I never got to my destination.
should I have buckled my seat belt tighter?


society makes me feel crazy for thinking I can try to prevent
a violent act of maddening hate against a woman’s body,
or maybe a man’s, let’s not discriminate,
brought on by alcohol, late night musing, and punch bowl brewing.

maybe they should tell the rapists to keep their pants zipped 
and their ***** to themselves unless they are requested.

keep your hands in your pastel short pockets and 
let me go on with my business of being a proud, righteous woman.
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