When I was a small girl, I played in the dirt and looked
for worms and other small creatures to give my hands
something to do, something to look forward to
But even when something was found and for a moment
my mind was occupied, there was no reward
I continued to spend my life chasing after meaning
that would never rise up to meet me
looking for a sense of solace that would convince me there was
a reason life was worth living
I searched for the purpose that other children seemed to find so easily but I could not see a reason

I am 18 years old now
and I feel just as lost as when I was a child
I always questioned where my innocence had gone
but something tells me now it's been missing all along
every new emotion I feel
I have felt before
every new person I meet
I have met before
every new word I say
I have said before
if everything is the same,
then why long for more?

There is no more drive, no more passion, no need
so what reason could there be to keep on living?
Perhaps the tree's purpose is not in simply growing
but in spreading its roots and planting its seed
its not about you,
it was never meant to be

oh, how quickly the resin is
devoured by flame
he promised her he'd be there
to save her from pain,
to give her the world,
let her reach for the stars
but as soon as he touched her,
she was swallowed by fire

as she sizzles and melts
blood pours from her side
she accepts her fate
and watches herself die
"in a few moments,
no part of me will remain
everything comes to an end
and so must I
what's the point of fighting?
just let me go
just let me die"

I thought I'd never be satisfied with
a love that doesn’t fill me with fear
one that makes me question
everything I thought was real
everything I thought I knew
you convinced me I was no one
without you.
I wanted to hate myself with the most
intimate, lustful passion
like you always did
I never believed that love can be attained
without pain

But I truly want to imagine
That such a man exists
Who doesn't rule the world (and me)
with his iron fists
With feelings genuine and pure,
who gives more than he takes
Lord, if you're out there
Give me one of the good ones
for ****'s sake

I still remember
  Bleeding out
     in your arms
         with a bullet in my head
You always knew I’d be happier
                    dead.

I’ve finally begun to feel
The eyes following me
Everywhere
And yet,
No one is there

I feel every neuron bouncing in my head
Shooting electrical currents
back and forth.
back and forth.
back and forth.
One plane to the next
Moving my neck
side to side.
side to side.
side to side.
I lay supine
and think,
"I can't stop thinking"
My ears are ringing
My mouth is dry
my eyes are bleeding.