you dont like me. i know

sorry.
im so sorry.
im sorry.
im so sorry.
so.
so.
sorry.

i feel as if
i am not the one meant for this body
i am not meant to be here ?

i am not meant
i am not

i don’t know who this is
i don’t have a purpose
i don’t have a future
i have nothing
ii would be better off dead

the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

when is it an appropriate time to die? i am so done with this.

until my ***** bursts  i

sometimes i wish you would just hit me so i would have actual proof of what you make me suffer through

you said you hate my music

have you even listened to the lyrics?

im trying to tell you how i feel and




you dont want to hear it

digesting food has never been harder

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

oh  i am meant to die soon   i see nothing  for my future

i am unable to be loved
for i am damaged goods
too far gone to repair

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

everything is a battle with you

you are supposed to love me and cares for me and talk to me and give me flowers and

i don’t know.

the bare minimum.

i am jealous of others because their partners show their love for them and talk to them and everything.


i feel like just a friend.

a waste of your time.

just someone to call your partner just because

okay i’m tired of being treated like the dirt on your shoe but you don’t get it because you think you’re the best ever in the world

for some reason, everything is always my fault.
you ruin everything, you make me have to apologize to parents because you can’t control yourself, you take all of my things, you curse and say slurs, you bully and belittle me and others,

but for some reason,
it’s my fault.

it’s my fault that you cursed in front of my student, it’s my fault that you bully me, it’s my fault that you take all of my things, it’s all my fault.

but

i didn’t even do anything.

you do all of these things

yet  i am the only who gets yelled at and punished.

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

i’ve been slowly killing myself for two years and no one has stopped me.


n o
o n e

i slam my head against walls, doors, anything that’s hard hoping for my brain to collect too much pressure so i can D I E

the feeling of the blade in my hand was too familiar

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

i wish you knew the physical pain i feel in my heart every time you do this

i wish you knew i pray for him to let me go in my sleep peacefully

i wish you knew that i have no reason to keep going

i wish you knew just how much i love you

i hope you know it’s not your fault

i wish i could rip out all of my organs and die truly empty

i can’t breathe.
i’m crying
my hand hurts from punching the door

and it’s all my fault.

ITS NOT MY ******* FAULT THAT HES A *****

HE THINKS ITS OKAY TO HIT THE DOOR AFTER I SAID THAT IM GETTING READY.

I HAVE A LIFE, YKNOW?

I GET READY IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE YOU.

I DONT SIT IN FRONT OF THE ******* TV ALL DAY TO PLAY GAMES

I AM A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS AND-

and i want to die because of you people.

you are my worst ******* nightmare i   remember everything you did every time i am alone  i  can never forget what you did to Me   but to you   i am nothing  but a liar   and a horrible person    Maybe think about what You   did to me   for years   and allowed others to do    Remember your body shaming   and manipulation    and general abusive behavior but  Oh  Oh!!  you   are always the ******* victim

you expect too much.
he doesn’t wanna do anything
you expect me to do something

i’m sorry that i’m not ******* good enough for you.
i’m sorry that i don’t want them to touch my ******* things.
i’m sorry for having boundaries????

why don’t i do you a favour?
i’ll ******* **** myself for you,
now wouldn’t that be easier?
you don’t have to yell at a ******* like me anymore :)

depression
anxiety
PTSD
stockholm syndrome
insomnia
anorexia
bulimia
paranoia
bipolar disorder
schizophrenia?

smile. your feelings dont matter.
just fake it.
just agree with him.
tell him what he wants to hear.
suppress your emotions.
stop the ptsd.
oh- wait.
its fake,
according to him, it's all fake.
no worries.
i dont need a therapist.
after all,
it's all ******* fake.
my feelings,
depression,
anxiety,
insomnia,
anorexia,
ptsd,
panic attacks,
they're all
fake!
i've had 3 panic attacks.
so what?
f a k e
they're fake right?
why then?
why can't i feel anything?
why does it hurt so badly?

im not your perfect ***** <3

what does it feel like to love?
do i love him?
or do i love her?
i don’t know.

i heard he likes me;
but what does that mean?
does he enjoy my presence?
am i fun around him?
do i make him happy?

he used to like my best friend though,
we joke around, saying
“oh he has a thing for orchestra girls”

unfortunately, i can’t say i like him back;
but i also can’t say that i don’t like him.
because i simply do not feel such a thing.

i heard that if you want to spend time with a certain person,
for the rest of your life, you love them.
if i want to spend the rest of my life with one person,
to do amazing things like,
travel the world,
overcome all our fears,
and so on,

it would be nobody.

i ******* care about you

you dont care about me

i love you

you dont love me anymore

you hurt me

you break me

you make me feel bad

you're one of the reasons that knife cut my skin


and i love you and would take a bullet for you

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

i feel like a piece of shattered glass clinging together with tape

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

let me **** myself already

i’m not worth it

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

i’ve always known that you never loved me

i just don’t know why it hurts so much now

i make everything for them just to get nothing

you take away everything that makes me happy

i just wrote 5-6 suicide notes to people and im not done yet

i’m a bit broken right now, not gonna lie.
i can’t sleep and- 6/24/2019 12:19am

i must’ve given up. thrown the phone across the room.

owo

i miss when we had a thing.

"i loved you"
to me?

"love you"
to her



i-

i might cry?

i ******* knew it

why is it such a surprise

you dont love me!