perhaps,

somethings are better off unsaid,

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

my heart is failing me

everything is a battle with you

you are supposed to love me and cares for me and talk to me and give me flowers and

i don’t know.

the bare minimum.

i am jealous of others because their partners show their love for them and talk to them and everything.


i feel like just a friend.

a waste of your time.

just someone to call your partner just because

how it feels to hurt hurt hurt

until
i can’t

hurt anymore

and all i feel
is dread and emptiness

just how much longer can i take this

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

okay guys

why would you tell me?!
i know ****

why the hell would you tell me anything

your life is with them

only them

im nothing now

im nothing ****

you dont ******* care.

i mean
youd rather love her.

cause yknow.
you ******* love her

"ill always love you"
"ill never leave you"
"love you babe"

*******.
liar.
you dont.
dont lie to me.

please,
dont lie to me.

i know you love her

leave me behind.

i dare you

leave me.
leave.
now.

i know you dont care

so just stop it..

i know youd rather date her

i know

i know

i know.

bye
.
.
.
.

BYE..

i-

you dont love me

nevermind.

you are my worst ******* nightmare i   remember everything you did every time i am alone  i  can never forget what you did to Me   but to you   i am nothing  but a liar   and a horrible person    Maybe think about what You   did to me   for years   and allowed others to do    Remember your body shaming   and manipulation    and general abusive behavior but  Oh  Oh!!  you   are always the ******* victim

okay haha okay so okay um okay sooo haha okay lol

is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

i make everything for them just to get nothing

okay i’m tired of being treated like the dirt on your shoe but you don’t get it because you think you’re the best ever in the world

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

owo

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

i am unable to be loved
for i am damaged goods
too far gone to repair

every day i am reminded of how unwanted i am

how much i deserve nothing

how i am nothing

how i will never be good enough

let me **** myself already

i’m not worth it

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

“how come he don’t want me?”

my future is you

i think it will be okay if i die soon

the feeling of the blade in my hand was too familiar

so much anger and sadness all solutions include me dying

you take away everything that makes me happy

digesting food has never been harder

i feel as if
i am not the one meant for this body
i am not meant to be here ?

i am not meant
i am not

i don’t know who this is
i don’t have a purpose
i don’t have a future
i have nothing
ii would be better off dead

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

i just wrote 5-6 suicide notes to people and im not done yet

with every word
you shatter my heart
and again
i feel like i am nothing.

for some reason, everything is always my fault.
you ruin everything, you make me have to apologize to parents because you can’t control yourself, you take all of my things, you curse and say slurs, you bully and belittle me and others,

but for some reason,
it’s my fault.

it’s my fault that you cursed in front of my student, it’s my fault that you bully me, it’s my fault that you take all of my things, it’s all my fault.

but

i didn’t even do anything.

you do all of these things

yet  i am the only who gets yelled at and punished.

why don’t i do you a favour?
i’ll ******* **** myself for you,
now wouldn’t that be easier?
you don’t have to yell at a ******* like me anymore :)

sorry.
im so sorry.
im sorry.
im so sorry.
so.
so.
sorry.

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

i miss when we had a thing.

just please shut the **** up.

you're so ******* annoying

you call me names

you give me bruises


isnt that illegal?

you *****

i can’t breathe.
i’m crying
my hand hurts from punching the door

and it’s all my fault.

ITS NOT MY ******* FAULT THAT HES A *****

HE THINKS ITS OKAY TO HIT THE DOOR AFTER I SAID THAT IM GETTING READY.

I HAVE A LIFE, YKNOW?

I GET READY IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE YOU.

I DONT SIT IN FRONT OF THE ******* TV ALL DAY TO PLAY GAMES

I AM A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS AND-

and i want to die because of you people.

smile. your feelings dont matter.
just fake it.
just agree with him.
tell him what he wants to hear.
suppress your emotions.
stop the ptsd.
oh- wait.
its fake,
according to him, it's all fake.
no worries.
i dont need a therapist.
after all,
it's all ******* fake.
my feelings,
depression,
anxiety,
insomnia,
anorexia,
ptsd,
panic attacks,
they're all
fake!
i've had 3 panic attacks.
so what?
f a k e
they're fake right?
why then?
why can't i feel anything?
why does it hurt so badly?

you expect too much.
he doesn’t wanna do anything
you expect me to do something

i’m sorry that i’m not ******* good enough for you.
i’m sorry that i don’t want them to touch my ******* things.
i’m sorry for having boundaries????

you said you hate my music

have you even listened to the lyrics?

im trying to tell you how i feel and




you dont want to hear it

i crave you like how a person craves food. i crave your touch like i am missing a piece of myself without it. i find myself yearning for you, for your touch, your everything. you are a constant thought in my mind and i want nothing more than to be with you. everything about you makes me gravitate towards you and yearn for you. i want to be close to you, so close we could be one. so close that our hearts are intertwined and pump the same blood. i want you. i need you. i need you like how animals need to drink or to eat. i need you like how fish need water. i need you like you are a basic human necessity that everyone needs in order to survive. a part of me needs a part of you to survive. i love you, and i love you more than anything. you make me feel good, feel euphoric, like no one else. my heart beats for you and only you.

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i’m a bit broken right now, not gonna lie.
i can’t sleep and- 6/24/2019 12:19am

i must’ve given up. thrown the phone across the room.

i’ve been slowly killing myself for two years and no one has stopped me.


n o
o n e

i slam my head against walls, doors, anything that’s hard hoping for my brain to collect too much pressure so i can D I E