is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

i crave you like how a person craves food. i crave your touch like i am missing a piece of myself without it. i find myself yearning for you, for your touch, your everything. you are a constant thought in my mind and i want nothing more than to be with you. everything about you makes me gravitate towards you and yearn for you. i want to be close to you, so close we could be one. so close that our hearts are intertwined and pump the same blood. i want you. i need you. i need you like how animals need to drink or to eat. i need you like how fish need water. i need you like you are a basic human necessity that everyone needs in order to survive. a part of me needs a part of you to survive. i love you, and i love you more than anything. you make me feel good, feel euphoric, like no one else. my heart beats for you and only you.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

i’ve always known that you never loved me

i just don’t know why it hurts so much now

until my ***** bursts  i

"i loved you"
to me?

"love you"
to her



i-

i might cry?

i ******* knew it

why is it such a surprise

you dont love me!

with every word
you shatter my heart
and again
i feel like i am nothing.

“how come he don’t want me?”

when is it an appropriate time to die? i am so done with this.

my future is you

i wish you knew the physical pain i feel in my heart every time you do this

i wish you knew i pray for him to let me go in my sleep peacefully

i wish you knew that i have no reason to keep going

i wish you knew just how much i love you

i hope you know it’s not your fault

i wish i could rip out all of my organs and die truly empty

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

i feel like a piece of shattered glass clinging together with tape

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

so much anger and sadness all solutions include me dying

i can’t breathe.
i’m crying
my hand hurts from punching the door

and it’s all my fault.

ITS NOT MY ******* FAULT THAT HES A *****

HE THINKS ITS OKAY TO HIT THE DOOR AFTER I SAID THAT IM GETTING READY.

I HAVE A LIFE, YKNOW?

I GET READY IN THE MORNING BECAUSE IM NOT LIKE YOU.

I DONT SIT IN FRONT OF THE ******* TV ALL DAY TO PLAY GAMES

I AM A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS AND-

and i want to die because of you people.

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

sometimes i wish you would just hit me so i would have actual proof of what you make me suffer through

i am unable to be loved
for i am damaged goods
too far gone to repair

okay guys

you dont like me. i know

it doesn’t feel right to be in this female body.

i want to be a boy now.

my new name is evan.

i could become an eboy

they seem nice

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

every day i am reminded of how unwanted i am

how much i deserve nothing

how i am nothing

how i will never be good enough

“i’ll beat you until you get above average”

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

im not your perfect ***** <3

i miss when we had a thing.

my heart is failing me

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

"i swear shes not replacing you. she was just there for me when you had your online relationships"



no. she's replacing me.

she's replacing all of us.


you're just letting it happen.


i'll find someone else since it seems like you don't need me anymore.

how it feels to hurt hurt hurt

until
i can’t

hurt anymore

and all i feel
is dread and emptiness

just how much longer can i take this

digesting food has never been harder

i think it will be okay if i die soon

owo

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

everything is a battle with you

you are supposed to love me and cares for me and talk to me and give me flowers and

i don’t know.

the bare minimum.

i am jealous of others because their partners show their love for them and talk to them and everything.


i feel like just a friend.

a waste of your time.

just someone to call your partner just because

what does it feel like to love?
do i love him?
or do i love her?
i don’t know.

i heard he likes me;
but what does that mean?
does he enjoy my presence?
am i fun around him?
do i make him happy?

he used to like my best friend though,
we joke around, saying
“oh he has a thing for orchestra girls”

unfortunately, i can’t say i like him back;
but i also can’t say that i don’t like him.
because i simply do not feel such a thing.

i heard that if you want to spend time with a certain person,
for the rest of your life, you love them.
if i want to spend the rest of my life with one person,
to do amazing things like,
travel the world,
overcome all our fears,
and so on,

it would be nobody.

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

just please shut the **** up.

you're so ******* annoying

you call me names

you give me bruises


isnt that illegal?

you *****

let me **** myself already

i’m not worth it

i ******* care about you

you dont care about me

i love you

you dont love me anymore

you hurt me

you break me

you make me feel bad

you're one of the reasons that knife cut my skin


and i love you and would take a bullet for you

i just wrote 5-6 suicide notes to people and im not done yet

i’ve been slowly killing myself for two years and no one has stopped me.


n o
o n e

i slam my head against walls, doors, anything that’s hard hoping for my brain to collect too much pressure so i can D I E

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.