im not interested.
sorry man.

perhaps,

somethings are better off unsaid,

until my ***** bursts  i

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

sorry.
im so sorry.
im sorry.
im so sorry.
so.
so.
sorry.

im not your perfect ***** <3

oh  i am meant to die soon   i see nothing  for my future

knowing you,  

your life would be so much better if i just disappeared and you show me this Every Single Day.

I am just the mistake that you regret every single day.

I am just a burden

you dont like me. i know

so much anger and sadness all solutions include me dying

i make everything for them just to get nothing

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

owo

overjoyed at the thought of passing on

i feel like a piece of shattered glass clinging together with tape

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

it doesn’t feel right to be in this female body.

i want to be a boy now.

my new name is evan.

i could become an eboy

they seem nice

if i die then i won’t have to deal with all of this hullshit and pain and stupidity and eveufjjgn i need to be gone now!!!!!!!!! then they will all realize they ****** up and are stupid

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

bye.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

i wish you knew the physical pain i feel in my heart every time you do this

i wish you knew i pray for him to let me go in my sleep peacefully

i wish you knew that i have no reason to keep going

i wish you knew just how much i love you

i hope you know it’s not your fault

everything is a battle with you

you are supposed to love me and cares for me and talk to me and give me flowers and

i don’t know.

the bare minimum.

i am jealous of others because their partners show their love for them and talk to them and everything.


i feel like just a friend.

a waste of your time.

just someone to call your partner just because

i am unable to be loved
for i am damaged goods
too far gone to repair

i crave you like how a person craves food. i crave your touch like i am missing a piece of myself without it. i find myself yearning for you, for your touch, your everything. you are a constant thought in my mind and i want nothing more than to be with you. everything about you makes me gravitate towards you and yearn for you. i want to be close to you, so close we could be one. so close that our hearts are intertwined and pump the same blood. i want you. i need you. i need you like how animals need to drink or to eat. i need you like how fish need water. i need you like you are a basic human necessity that everyone needs in order to survive. a part of me needs a part of you to survive. i love you, and i love you more than anything. you make me feel good, feel euphoric, like no one else. my heart beats for you and only you.

“i’ll beat you until you get above average”

my heart is failing me

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

"i swear shes not replacing you. she was just there for me when you had your online relationships"



no. she's replacing me.

she's replacing all of us.


you're just letting it happen.


i'll find someone else since it seems like you don't need me anymore.

digesting food has never been harder

for some reason, everything is always my fault.
you ruin everything, you make me have to apologize to parents because you can’t control yourself, you take all of my things, you curse and say slurs, you bully and belittle me and others,

but for some reason,
it’s my fault.

it’s my fault that you cursed in front of my student, it’s my fault that you bully me, it’s my fault that you take all of my things, it’s all my fault.

but

i didn’t even do anything.

you do all of these things

yet  i am the only who gets yelled at and punished.

how it feels to hurt hurt hurt

until
i can’t

hurt anymore

and all i feel
is dread and emptiness

just how much longer can i take this

my heart aches because inside i know i don’t love you the same because i am treated poorly

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

let me **** myself already

i’m not worth it

every day i am reminded of how unwanted i am

how much i deserve nothing

how i am nothing

how i will never be good enough

with every word
you shatter my heart
and again
i feel like i am nothing.

okay i’m tired of being treated like the dirt on your shoe but you don’t get it because you think you’re the best ever in the world

the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

the feeling of the blade in my hand was too familiar

i just wrote 5-6 suicide notes to people and im not done yet

is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

i’ve always known that you never loved me

i just don’t know why it hurts so much now

sometimes i wish you would just hit me so i would have actual proof of what you make me suffer through