for some reason, everything is always my fault.
you ruin everything, you make me have to apologize to parents because you can’t control yourself, you take all of my things, you curse and say slurs, you bully and belittle me and others,

but for some reason,
it’s my fault.

it’s my fault that you cursed in front of my student, it’s my fault that you bully me, it’s my fault that you take all of my things, it’s all my fault.

but

i didn’t even do anything.

you do all of these things

yet  i am the only who gets yelled at and punished.

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

when good things come, they don’t last.
i don’t deserve good things,
the world has shown me that multiple times.

every day you remind me
how i can’t rely on you for anything

how much you hate me and wish
i never existed

how much  i’ve ruined your life
since you made me

you are not my father

my heart aches because inside i know i don’t love you the same because i am treated poorly

everything is a battle with you

you are supposed to love me and cares for me and talk to me and give me flowers and

i don’t know.

the bare minimum.

i am jealous of others because their partners show their love for them and talk to them and everything.


i feel like just a friend.

a waste of your time.

just someone to call your partner just because

i had looked forward
to slow dancing with you
all night

and when the time came

you looked at me
after your friends
encouraged you

and decided that
i didnt want to
for some reason

you constantly threaten to beat me and i so wish you do and put me out of my misery

normal parents would care if their child doesn’t feel well
normal parents would let their child have fun
normal parents would love their kids
normal parents wouldn’t curse and scream and call their kid’s names
normal parents wouldn’t have to talk to social services multiple times and blame everything on their kid being too dramatic
normal parents wouldn’t yell at their kid for being abused by other people and blame them
normal parents wouldn’t stop their kid from growing and finding out who they are
normal parents would care
normal people would care

the way my world was shook quiet
by you
when you screamed
my name
from across the room.

all of a sudden
it all came back to me.

i always knew you thought it .

why don’t you love me?
why don’t you care for me?
why do you dismiss me like i am nothing?

what did i do?


mommy please

i need you

i am unable to be loved
for i am damaged goods
too far gone to repair

i crave your scent and how so heavenly it is.

i crave your touch as it’s the safest thing i’ve ever felt

i crave hearing you voice and it’s melodic tone

i crave you

and everything about you

every day i am so disappointed
in who
i call my father.

you scream and yell
and destroy the home around you

and then act like it never happened.

you scream and yell
and destroy me

and then act like it never happened.

you joke and joke about
never wanting me
and how i am nothing
worth nothing
not able to love

and then act like it never happened.


i am ashamed to call you my father
because you are not
my father.

you are merely some boy,
man child,
who i live with
and tolerate
because when you
are supposed to be my father
act like one
pretend

you destroy me.
and everything that builds me up.



daddy why don’t you love me?

do you hate me?
do you truly love me or are you just saying it to make me feel better?
are you sure you love me?
do you like me?
do you think i’m as pretty as the other girls?

why do you love me.

for you

to

at least
pretend

that you



love

me.

today is the day to celebrate love

and yet my love
is not here
or making the effort
to celebrate

i look and look and look
and everyone else
takes time out of their day
to celebrate their love


and i
beg and beg
and beg
only for
nothing to
happen.

every day is a struggle and i no longer want to wake up. it is truly over.

how it feels to hurt hurt hurt

until
i can’t

hurt anymore

and all i feel
is dread and emptiness

just how much longer can i take this

my future is you

every day i am reminded of how unwanted i am

how much i deserve nothing

how i am nothing

how i will never be good enough

i crave you like how a person craves food. i crave your touch like i am missing a piece of myself without it. i find myself yearning for you, for your touch, your everything. you are a constant thought in my mind and i want nothing more than to be with you. everything about you makes me gravitate towards you and yearn for you. i want to be close to you, so close we could be one. so close that our hearts are intertwined and pump the same blood. i want you. i need you. i need you like how animals need to drink or to eat. i need you like how fish need water. i need you like you are a basic human necessity that everyone needs in order to survive. a part of me needs a part of you to survive. i love you, and i love you more than anything. you make me feel good, feel euphoric, like no one else. my heart beats for you and only you.

i wish you would do the same.

with every word
you shatter my heart
and again
i feel like i am nothing.

in your head,
you are the victim

but what i have
in writing

just proves that
you are the **** person
i have always
known you to be

i see you
glaring
with your hateful eyes,

can't get enough of me?

ill never love another like you

like butterflies,
my heart flutters.

like fireflies,
my heart lights up.

my love,
i adore you

nothing is forever,
but god,
i can't help but wish we are.