To dig a little hole and hide in it is what I want. The sod will separate me from my fear and insecurities, my guilt and unwillingness to solve my personal chaos. They will clutter in a buzz, unsure of where I went and how they'll find me. I will hide until a worm digs its way to me. I will watch it leave as it came.

When I look into her utterly sad,
nervous eyes
my vision goes into bright sand.
I only see her face as she becomes as tiny as she feels
in my eyes.
She takes the shame that is not hers.
I'm nauseated.

I'm so sad I don't feel my urging love towards you.
Almost don't feel my love at all. I only know I should be happy when I see you.

I saw you.

And I was so sad. I'm so sorry I was.
You tried your best but I was so very sad, I was stressed. Couldn't stop it.

I tried to smile but it was so hard. Couldn't say "I love you", didn't feel it. Couldn't really kiss you, didn't feel love.

I left your light and big house with such pain, such guilt;
You had seen me so sad and I couldn't stop it.
I really wanted to be happy, I did!
Tried very hard but no use...at all.

I think I know it may happen again, it makes me so sad to know you may se me so sad again.
I really pray it wont happen.

I want you to see me perfect. Because I almost am.

Ta meg av bremsen. Legg meg inn og legg ett teppe over min -kropp-
Ligg med meg i halsen. Ta din mørke visdom og hjelp meg ut.
Gå med smååå steg. Bort mot meg.
Ta meg inn og,, drep min sorg
og drep min sorg og drep min sorg og drep den.

I deserve so much more love than I can see
I deserve to see it for I can feel it.
I deserve so much less pain
I know that for I can't feel as much pain as I see
I deserve much more flowers
I deserve much less tragedy
I deserve words of truth
I deserve words of courage and hope

But how can I know that I deserve so much?
It is because I see something about me from outside
Though a little gap in a door I forgot to close.
The door in the room that I've made to hide from
                                                                                                      me.

Love and joy,
Love and joy,
Love and joy,
Love and joy,

Love and joy,
Love and joy,
LOVE AND JOY,
JOY AND RAGE!

Av hysteri jeg skriker flammer og håret reiser seg i lynets dødelige knekte streker.
En halvveis setning, en ikke ferdiggjort fasong.
Elektrisk knust glass fyller mine nesebor og nåler sikker ut av øynene.
Jeg er så død som djevlen selv.
Jeg vrir meg under bakken og mine bein, ja, hele mitt skjelett er dømt til å bli gift som etser gjennom alt som kommer anig. Som syre i mitt blod vrir årene seg i smerte i mine iskalde fingre.
Å være greit å ikke gjøre ferdig.
Det er absurd! Min smerte eier ikke grenser.
Å roe seg at alt er dårlig.
Å roe seg med alt som er så usselig.
Det er umulig når jeg selv vet at mitt eget beste er noen andres aller verste.

Just now, two moments from now
My red eye shut out a drop of sea.

One salty teardrop.

I hadn't cried for over four months when I needed my tears the most.
And so
Just now, two moments from now
I wrote a letter and that one drop ran quietly but fast down my one sad, emotional cheek.

For all the time I hadn't cried I was convinced
"to cry will be the only relief"
And so
Just now, two moments from now I realized:
Life doesn't work that way.

I miss you dear,
I miss you near,
I miss you close,
Here by my side.

I feel alone,
This smiling cold,
Drove me too far,
Too far from home.

Home is a place where I belong,
A home is feeling your own place.
A place where you can stay.

In mutter crying just inside,
To hold my breath until it dies,
I wanna find my better side,
And carry it deep in my heart.

To cut it’s roots into my mind,
To let me see that brother mine.

I miss you dear,
I miss you near,
I miss you close,
Here by my side.

I’ll let you know,
I am the worst,
Maybe the best,
You’ll ever see.

I’ll carry you with all your heart,
I’ll hold you close until we part,

The mountainside I live on is all but the worst place on earth!
Oh! I wish some wise one would come let me free of myself!

I miss you dear,
I miss you near,
I miss you close,
Here by my side.

Am I alone here or what?
Is this the universal english I've heard about all the time, the always, the forevers?

The TV in a big room is on. A computer plays the loud videos about nothing. The people talk, they are polite. My head is fine, I'm alright. The wind blows so strong in on my window. The dogs bark all the time at much more nothing. The lovebird, that little, small parrot. He sings. So loud.

My head is fine, I'm allright. The lie.

The noise from every part of everything. Even in silence I hear disgusting murmur.

I don't hate life, don't hate the people, don't hate myself. I don't hate the situation I'm in, I've seen it before.

I do not have the answer.
It doesn't float to me on a plate with wings made of gold.
Like it used to happen before

I do not cry, I do not weep,
I cannot fly, I cannot sleep,
I have no day, I have no light,
I am a nightmares ****** at night.
My day goes dark, my shaddows grow
And from the inside of my own
I am affraid, I want to weep,
I want to cry, I am a creep

And I know why.

It is because I'm not alone, when I have problems they are small
They are too small to matter much they grow me weary
They are big.
Only for me and for my mind
I problem others of my kind
I talk of problems that are mine

The only thing I do is whine.