To dig a little hole and hide in it is what I want. The sod will separate me from my fear and insecurities, my guilt and unwillingness to solve my personal chaos. They will clutter in a buzz, unsure of where I went and how they'll find me. I will hide until a worm digs its way to me. I will watch it leave as it came.

When I look into her utterly sad,
nervous eyes
my vision goes into bright sand.
I only see her face as she becomes as tiny as she feels
in my eyes.
She takes the shame that is not hers.
I'm nauseated.

I'm so sad I don't feel my urging love towards you.
Almost don't feel my love at all. I only know I should be happy when I see you.

I saw you.

And I was so sad. I'm so sorry I was.
You tried your best but I was so very sad, I was stressed. Couldn't stop it.

I tried to smile but it was so hard. Couldn't say "I love you", didn't feel it. Couldn't really kiss you, didn't feel love.

I left your light and big house with such pain, such guilt;
You had seen me so sad and I couldn't stop it.
I really wanted to be happy, I did!
Tried very hard but no use...at all.

I think I know it may happen again, it makes me so sad to know you may se me so sad again.
I really pray it wont happen.

I want you to see me perfect. Because I almost am.

Ta meg av bremsen. Legg meg inn og legg ett teppe over min -kropp-
Ligg med meg i halsen. Ta din mørke visdom og hjelp meg ut.
Gå med smååå steg. Bort mot meg.
Ta meg inn og,, drep min sorg
og drep min sorg og drep min sorg og drep den.

I deserve so much more love than I can see
I deserve to see it for I can feel it.
I deserve so much less pain
I know that for I can't feel as much pain as I see
I deserve much more flowers
I deserve much less tragedy
I deserve words of truth
I deserve words of courage and hope

But how can I know that I deserve so much?
It is because I see something about me from outside
Though a little gap in a door I forgot to close.
The door in the room that I've made to hide from
                                                                                                      me.

Love and joy,
Love and joy,
Love and joy,
Love and joy,

Love and joy,
Love and joy,
LOVE AND JOY,
JOY AND RAGE!

Av hysteri jeg skriker flammer og håret reiser seg i lynets dødelige knekte streker.
En halvveis setning, en ikke ferdiggjort fasong.
Elektrisk knust glass fyller mine nesebor og nåler sikker ut av øynene.
Jeg er så død som djevlen selv.
Jeg vrir meg under bakken og mine bein, ja, hele mitt skjelett er dømt til å bli gift som etser gjennom alt som kommer anig. Som syre i mitt blod vrir årene seg i smerte i mine iskalde fingre.
Å være greit å ikke gjøre ferdig.
Det er absurd! Min smerte eier ikke grenser.
Å roe seg at alt er dårlig.
Å roe seg med alt som er så usselig.
Det er umulig når jeg selv vet at mitt eget beste er noen andres aller verste.