It’s a disease if you ask me
I wish I had a stronger back bone
I feel my insides shattering and me feeling weak
I cried tonight
My tears couldn’t stop
I kept thinking what was wrong with me
Why do I treat myself so poorly
I truly don’t know where to start to share or express the insides of mine that have been
Ripped apart and tortured
I think every day by choice I have to tell myself I’m worthy
But even in my sessions I’ve admitted I don’t feel like I’m worthy of this life or even another breathe
I don’t think I’m beautiful
And all I see are my wounds that continue to bleed which bring me to tears as I write these words
In my mirror I see my flaws
If I’m an angel I’m an angel with scars
And god knows that even today something told me you needed to prayed for I know your not doing ok and just know that when you think of me and cry my insides bleed from miles away
One day I got this image of you
You watched what I was submitting here and when you read certain things I saw your heart break but you didn’t want me to see you cry
You were wearing white and looked like you were either sitting or laying down and thinking hard
I’ve been scared and wounded since I was 3 years old born into chaos and trauma
I would never judge you if you opened up and shared your own feelings I’d give you my shirt to cry on my hair play to play with my cheek bones to hurt and squeeze when you need to look at my dimple your not a bother to me your apart of me at this point and that’s by Gods choice whether you like that or not :)

if theirs anything anyone needs to know
if theirs anything that needs to be declared
in this life or the next
is that you
are what I looked for when I looked for love
as a little girl
and that can never be replaced
changed
or formed by another
there will be no one else like you
i hope your ok
and that your taking care of yourself
most importantly your mind and heart
I won’t hit you with the I miss yous and I needs you because I know you go to war about so many things but i hope when it comes to me
you come to peace
if you ever start missing me or get sad
put your hand across your heart and know that I am always their even in my absence I am their

No because like you
Say you this
But you don’t mean it
But it’s all pretend
You don’t mean it
Your feelings
Are lucid
You can watch the rain pouring one minute
And some how your rain is like fire
And burns any flesh you encounter
So why mark up my car
Cause I saw you last night
In your act of god knows what or
Who you were with
It’s none of my concern
Good luck with all that
I was just shocked cause like why now after this many  
Years did I see you parked up at a gas station

I hate that I can’t be around you
Under you
Or near
That you won’t love me
At all
That I can’t hear from you
A call or text
I’m bothered
And conflicted
I think what’s sad about this is that
No matter the people
The incentives
The kindness that others can offer
Why is it that I only have to want you
Why do I need to have you
Why can’t I get you out of my head
Why do I look at empty chairs wishing you were right in front of me
Why do I sit there and wonder what you would say in certain situations
Every day for 7 years I mourned you
I waited for you
Anything
A sign
Anything
I prayed to God and wondered why
Not you why can’t my heart let go of you
Here I am sitting and looking at another empty chair still trying come to peace with you not being here
I talk to god and ask him
What do I need to do
He says sit still
I hope this makes sense because my heart and mind are so confused

Us or we
What sounds fun to you
Me or you
Or us as an item
Fixated on details
But navigating on solid
Ground
Having meaningful conversations
Getting lost in the wilderness
In unknown places
Home is where I belong
Home isn’t physical
It’s a feeling
Will you be my home

I wonder if you understand me
Don’t you worry if you don’t
Where do you find information about me
Because it’s never been from me the source
No more puzzles
Am I the surprise that just keeps giving
I use to cry
Now I understand I’m interesting
But what’s the fun in directly just asking
You want play catch me if you can
And all I want to do is feel the sun on my skin
Confess with your heart not your brain
Find the energy to love on me
Not to run game on me

It’s not your fault if something does happens to me
I hated the earth and it hated me back
This world will never be my home
I got use to seeing your door staying shut
I don’t fear rejection or you telling me you hate me
I got use to seeing the chains around my neck, arms and feet
I got told to walk with my head held up high
Even if I didn’t get what I wanted
Even if I got rejected by
Everyone that told me they had me
Even if they took advantage of my mind
Body and soul
Even when I begged him to get off of me and never did
Your looking at a dead woman walking
I’m just taking my time
Until it’s my time to leave
I’ll walk in my garden and die peacefully in my flowers
It’s not your fault I know I’m terrible
I’m not blaming you for anything
I blame myself for thinking that you thought I was important or that I mattered
You shown me every day that I didn’t matter
That it would always be someone else and never me
So there’s no reason for you to sit their and wonder if you want me or not
If you wanted to love me love never holds anyone back it’s fear and fear will only eat you alive when you love someone hurting them is like  hurting yourself
Loving someone is looking into their eyes and feeling their pulse because no matter where your at no matter what happens you can feel them next to you
It’s not a pick me today and leave me tomorrow situation I’m someone’s forever and if not a single person will ever acknowledge that it’s ok
I’ve got a life time of misery and pain
That’s filled my appetite