Everything that was done
All that was in the dark
Every word
Every item
Every ounce of joy that was had
Came to an end
Oh how I looked at your pictures on your wall
Of us
I cried because you’d always would say to  me
If you would have stayed here my life would’ve been so different
Only if I would have asked how?
I looked for you , for years in other people
My parents weren’t around to congratulate me
It was always someone else’s mom or dad
Other kids telling they were proud it was nice to hear
Looking out to see everyone else’s families
There
And to feel your absence in all that I do
It destroyed me every time and I’d come home crying
Moving forward to the next chapter dad has been so hard
You were suppose to come back home dad
I was so mad
I never felt so much rage
4 am on Jan 26 oh I dropped to the floor crying why God why
I couldn’t stop screaming and hitting the floor
You did everything you could to make up for my childhood in one month. In all my life I had that one month with you to see you and look up at you. I’ll never forgot the day I was leaving the airport. You went to the restroom and came back I knew you cried but not in front of me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was know that I had to walk away from you. I never wanted to leave. What an American Dream.

You were a sunshine in the dark
When did the darkness get the best of you
When did you start feeling unworthy
Why do you always say as long as my kids have all that they need that’s all I need
I know you messed up
And you taking ownership of that
makes me proud
Because your more than your mistakes
I’m still undoing some of the things you taught me
Some of the things that I never want to pass onto my kids
His mistakes were not mine mumma I know you think I’m just like him because the way I think is like him, the way I react, laugh and style myself is just all him. I always had to remind you that I came out of your womb. I had his habits but I got stuck with your heart. Taking the weight of the world girl no him being the way he was not your fault. He could’ve given you a checklist and that still wouldn’t have been enough. I’m so sorry because of him you didn’t see yourself as someone that was deserving of love. Questioning what you could have done different. I always reminded you that you were beautiful  and he himself is broken it’s not your fault. He’s got it so wrong and one day he’ll regret what he did and when he does it’ll be to late. If he never changes it’s because his lifestyle has gotten to him and for him there was no looking back. I love you mom but god loves you more.

I think of you ; you know that.
When it all fell apart
When you left
I knew you wanted to stay
I prayed for a miracle
Even in my dreams after you passed
You’d come and say I didn’t go anywhere see I’m right here
The woman who spoiled me with her smiles and made this place a home and  would wrap me in her arms as a child
When I couldn’t go to sleep
She made me feel safe
We went from sleeping on floors but I knew that I was ok because you were there it didn’t matter if we didn’t have a place to stay at the time all I knew is you never gave up and your love never stopped pouring
Family meant everything to you
And seeing everyone come together use to bring you joy
I grew up with that a woman that made a whole room light up because she was there and she simply exsisted as her own authentic self and didn’t have a care in the world what anyone said as long as no one messed with her kids
I don’t care for the Kim’s and the K’s I hope to live and die like her
Bebe I wonder what you’d say now if you were here
I just know if you saw me crying you’d sit and ask me what’s wrong and make sure pay back was on earth not heaven
This lady made me laugh as a kid she was always down to go to jail and every time she fought she waited for someone to call for only everyone to go back to their homes and pretend like nothing ever happened
My Bebe was my Icon and I just hope you know that you are always loved

I don’t feel danger around you
I don’t feel that you want me to fear you
even if we don’t speak
and I die in a nursing home
will you still watch over me even
when I have dementia
and see how I’m doing
would you still show up
to my funeral when
no one remembers me
and I go down
feeling that my life had no meaning
or will you personally make sure
you take me out before then
so that you can sleep easy
am I the subject that gets tested daily
I have nothing left to give
I think that you know that
I’ll never be same again no matter how hard I try

In my bed holding my stomach
Drowning in my tears
Not wanting to move
My back aches
All I want is for my tears to drench
Your shirt
I sit in sadness
Everything besides my cycle
Pouring out of me
I’m crying for you and the pain in my stomach
I need you to carry me in your arms
It is true the girls who tried to act the most hard
Need the most babying

I’m the one that’s connected
To every conversation
Why you keep running
From your own imagination
Don’t you know that your one of gods creations
Your here for a purpose
And I hope that you find it
But I know you want to blame me
And you want to continue to scar me
I’m sorry I didn’t try to be like any of your lady friends
And beg for your love
And Tell you that I’m hungry
I wanted your time to connect
Never your money
I was young
I was foolish
But I had good intentions
The hood way got me
Trust no one
And you’ll never be sorry
For giving out your heart
But now old thugs want new love
And now they can’t handle being out in the streets
They want a warm cooked meals
And one lady
Before it used to be get with all the honeys
And throw up all of your money
Now they locked up
Cause they can’t pay alimony
you wanna run away and tell them about me
how I couldn’t get the clear picture
Oh honey the man that was my father ran things you never could touch
Every page you tried writing he gave me the beginning and the end
Don’t make me the cause to the affliction to the war you dealt with before you were even born
It’s time to step out and be comfortable about  yourself
Even if you don’t know if the sun will shine
Just know even if you hate me
It’ll be alright
I rather be hated on than loved by a man that repeats the same patterns in how he’ll get me in bed
I’m ok thanks for worrying when needed