if by chance I succumb to the rotting in my soul
perhaps think of me as a child
the only time I was not running away from myself  
I was enough and whole and days were never long enough
I was a cloud and the sun was my first love
bleeding yellow into my fuzzy outlines
excitement painted my world so often it was the only color I knew
memorized the beat of my own heart
took it upon myself to do right by me
but people came between me and myself
and things have never been the same

he doesn't say good morning at the crack of dawn
barely even manages to look me in the eye
and when I pass, he doesn't look up with bedazzled eyes
and although words fail him and days stretch where he is absent and I am a wreck
there are moments where I am convinced
that he is the moon
and I was always meant be his star
far enough not to be a nuisance
but close enough to admire all the ways he is
my last bit of hope
is strung around his neck
and i fear if the world ends tomorrow
he'd leave me on the deck

all the words that come to mind
all the letters and the notes
they're relics of something I've stored in the glove departments of my mind
they're metaphysical proof of you
a shining moment in a lifetime of gloom
I do not miss you anymore
I ache
it comes at random times
the way you'd say words would plague my day
I'd think of the faces you'd make, deep in thought
I hide my private smile
they do not deserve to see what's meant for you
words fail
every so often
to capture feelings
never mind people
I'm sure there are multitudes of you, that I did not meet
a coin after my heart
and I never have to wonder what love feels like
because of you

its always seemed daunting
the prospect of forever
a suspension of time
i hoped for so many forevers
but all i was offered was a forever naught
a forever wandering
a forever walking along a path where I was unable to look up
hoping I'd end up home somehow
will the sun end this cold journey?
will the path end with it ending my misery?
will the forever I've yearned for
ever come?
and will my forever last
for forever

who do you think of? when you're half between the living and the dead? when you can smell the heavens opening their gates? when everything we know suspends? does it ever end? do they ever feel loved? will this ever pay off? are these the wonderings of a mad man? one truth: i love him