How did i get here , what did i do so wrong?
Im living my life thru a **** ****...
The feeling of being alone, is no stranger to me.
But when hitting a bone,alone i never can be.
Im so bad, so far gone on that stuff.
I do it...because normalcy is not enough.

blue walls
white clouds
a tree goes up
to the ceiling
i remember
this sacred place
as well as i
remember your face
you were a man
of wilderness
you made me believe
that i was the jane
to your tarzan
even though really
i was nothing but a mall girl
playing pretend
in your bed
you first kissed me there
under a may sky
you first touched me there
with nothing but your walls watching
you made love to me there
with the blue screen glowing
and we whispered to each other
as if the animals on your walls
could hear us
we dreamed as if we were actually
in the sky

Dear Mom it's me-I just wanted to say hi
I'm really sad our entire relationship was based on a goodbye.
It's okay though Mommy, I guess I have to understand
I heard you say over and over, I was just not what you had planned.

Although it really breaks my heart I never got to held by you,
To be tucked in your arms nice and snug, just to know you love me too.
I didn’t even get the chance to see you smile, or for you to meet my eyes
And you'll never get to hear the way I sounded when I cried.
You never got to see my tiny fingers or my long toes
And you never got the chance to meet this crinkly wrinkle on my nose.

I wished I could have rubbed my soft little fingers across your cheek,
Or that you could’ve been there for me when I was sick, when I was weak.
But don’t worry I'm okay now mommy, its like I'm all brand new.
I just wanted to remind you of how much I love you.

Hey Mom it’s me- I just wanted to check in.
I know I never grew enough to have any skin
But just to let you know, I have a soul and heart,
And I really wish you hadn’t chosen for us to be apart.

Six years have gone by now, time has gone by pretty fast
But I hope the memory you have of me in your heart will forever last.
I see that I have brand-new little brother, you chose to call him Lee
And it made me wonder Mommy, what would you have named me?
Tell my little brother that I love and him and that I wish I could give him a kiss
And that I'm sorry growing up together is something we will have to miss.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that my favorite color is red,
And I have exactly 3 freckles I counted on my forehead.
My favorite thing to do is play dress up and run around,
Also, I always like to pick flowers, you have a big collection from what I've found.

I think you would have thought I was the world's greatest dancer
Oh and I have one best friend, when she was two she was diagnosed with cancer.
So last year she moved up here to permanently stay
I hope you'll be able to meet us both one day.
That’s all I wanted, just to tell you about me,
If we were together you would have loved me, I guarantee.

Goodbye for now mommy, tell Lee I said bye too.
And don’t forget, I will always love you.

meadows that stays so green at spring
and so bared in autumn
magically white in winter
scorching and gold in the air of summers

perennial.

how do they do that?
to stay the same on the foundation
yet ever-changing on the surface.


what difference does it make really?
what kinds?
of the surcoats of hazel and acorns
or the blankets of snow on the slender branches
of trees?


don't they, even once
feel weary of all the undercurrents,
of shifting shapes of shadows?


and stand their ground
and shouted their demands
and push at intractable walls?


and flop down
and sift like flour
and grate like mozzarella?


to toss the gauntlet
say


'enough!'


doesn't anyone ever muses then
of whether the slideshows of nature
being flagrantly displayed and paraded
before their soon indifferent eyes
would feel of their performance.


but oh,
those poor meadows,
those poor meadows,
those pitiable meadows.


continue with your acts and scenes
that shall never pauses nor halt
oh no, no.


for you are impressive actors
on the forested stage
and the eyes, belligerent
yes, they are
will be watching the other way


never straight to your eyes
your artic, chilled
encasing a turbulent, melting, whirling
hot caramel core
yeap, right there on your irises and pupils.


so go on
go on


my delectable
my neglected
my pushover
my poor meadows.

I'd like a fresh start.
Is that too much to ask?
I'd want to move on,
but that's a laborious task.
My past weighs me down
like a noose
or a crown.
I need a new page,
or I think I may drown.

I never had            rose petals
placed in my head
or a *******
                         sappy romance
just concrete
bricks
scraping my back
every time your
body
tensed up and swayed
the thoughts
the dead leaves
left alone
to wash down
the drain or
sink into the Earth

I often wonder how
it would've been if
I had
tried to say no
instead of not saying
yes

melting
in warm waters
wasting away
to sin and bone
with you
and letting
life ebb
out of my mouth
gasping for
air
in the most
passionate
of ways

And so you run.  
And so you hide.
Forever running, from what's inside.
People say you're fake.
What do people know?
All you have to do is keep putting on the show.
Now I'm not being pessimistic.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
But think.
Listen.
Are you respected, or you just life's clown?

Bipolar mood swings. Quickly labelled.
So dramatic.

Maybe a normal teens life?

Probably.