There are times, when I do not doubt he will break my heart again.
But those only seem to be the days when I doubt myself.
He understands I am weak, and he is weak, but much much stronger than me.
Love gives me a feeling in my gut, I cannot help
to be afraid and that's what I feel most of all. The stress, is making me want to finish off this benadryl.

This is not poetry, just a little write.

We cry and pry because we believe we need someone , someone to keep us happy, to be loved, to keep sane. But why cry and pry for all those things when we have the ability to do that on our own. Relationships and everything that comes with it, the one thing that kills us is the person we are with. We need no one but ourselves, we have the ability to keep ourselves happier without someone, to keep ourselves sane. But this is just babble from a girl whos in a two year relationship, and sadly i think that i can make myself happier than anyone ever could. Then he ever could.

Taken so much acid, that I know longer have a memory and that depresses me.

My name is simple,
my name is
Brittney
Five years ago
I lived in a town where
violence was the answer and
people killed to stay alive
to take care of their loved ones
I was safe where I was at,
my heart
and my head
Just four years ago,
I moved
to somewhere new
new people
I never even knew
Before my first year,
I knew who I wanted to be
who I was
until I got into drugs
met great people
and lost them because they
werent so great
Fell in love,
am in love
maybe..
to a boy who sometimes wants to
be with me

Im on my last year,
and I have no idea who I am
where I am
where I want to go, to do
I lost motivation for everything
My name is easy,
My name is Brittney
but thats not the question,
the question is
Who Am I?

Just like how someone died, you never really do get over your first love.

You're doing it again
Your acting kind of odd
what shall it be this time
another bittersweet goodbye
Don't do this
no, don't do this again
I cant breathe when youre
suffocating me with
all the unanswered questions you have
dont listen to your head
youll just build your thoughts
dont crack again
dont leave me again..

I dread today because I know
it might be the last i see you,
or it may not
but i am afraid i will hand  you
your things and that,
that will be it
we will say our goodbyes for the last
and leave it at that
and that is just so so, sad.

Sang me a song, one of my favorites by Dylan,
you sang and sang and sang
and I knew,
I knew this was it.
"Go 'way from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'm not the one you need
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who's never weak but always strong
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me babe It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

"Yeah.. Im going to have to leave you"

and then, you were gone.

I need another vent,
someone,
anyone,
please help.

There was something
within your eyes
that made me believe
your words were lies
so i stop and stared
but i could not bare
that the boy i love
could make me cry
until you left
then come may and
you came again
looked at me and grinned
you were not you
perhaps you changed but
not for the better
by then i only wanted you
to tell me to shoo' away
but i stayed and here i am
with the leaves that fall
my knees so weak
youre making it hard to crawl
do you love me?
or do you love her?
my mind is such a blur.
I love you so
perhaps too much to let you go
so listen here
one thing I learned of love,
never hold your breath,
you'll end up dead.

warm
thick
veiny
full of children
****.

You creep
and you crawl,
you look through the shadows
of your own well being
you're a cat
Observant and curious of all
things around,
havn't you hear, baby?
Curiosity killed the cat.
and when we are together,
they mistaken our names
for Mr. Tom & Jerry,
a game of cat and mouse.
You the cat, me the rodent
getting caught between your knees
and as you eat me up,
I don't squirm,
no not one bit ,
as you leave me breathless.
Swallow me up, take me hole
fill you up with my poisons

Wish you knew baby,
wish you knew curiosity killed
the cat

I want to lay with you
in the warmth of your bare
skin
and have your arms wrapped
around my bones,
like unforgivable knots
Intertwining our words with
'I love you' and ,
'you make me feel beautiful, knowing im not'
Your skin,
your skin is comfortable beneath
my palms,
bury your nose in the crevice of mine
roam my body like a map with the
sweetness of your fingertips
wandering hands,
deep breaths.
taking you in.
With you I shed,
like a snake becoming a new,
making me feel beautiful once again
in the skin I lye in
caressing every inch of me
letting you feel welcomed
to come inside me
love me,
touch me,
we're all just skin wrapped around
beautiful bones.

I began to feel uncomfortable with the skin
I lied in
when I could no longer feel the bones
that wrapped around my skin.

Tonight i am alone
for such a beautiful night
i sit here,
chewing through my bones
waiting with such
the heavy eyes
waiting for your call
to come home
to lye by your side
with our bones wrapped
like unforgivable knotts
To caress your sweet skin
with my long thin fingers
to look into your eyes
and listen to your soft soft
breathing
but I am just here
choking on my own words
forgiving myself for
making up false hopes
for tonight I miss you
and when I awake tomorrow
I will miss you again
as I sit
chewing through my own bones.

The crows scream cries
as they sit on that old broken branch
So much beauty in something
someone can find so horrid
For you remind me of crows,
with someone with such the purest
heart you are seen
as nothing more than a bad bad man
and you cry and you cry

I will sit here and pretend I care while you cry cry cry with your sad little eyes, look at your game girl.

and just like *******,
you made my body numb to the bone.

Happy Birthday ,
to my sweetest sweetheart
486 days and I've only grown
to love you more
and I will continue to
until my heart decays
for I have not cared for anyone more
than I do you
and though our relationship
has not been such a smooth ride
It is one of my favorites
and I dont want anything more
than to keep riding along
with you baby
I love you with all my heart
my heart and everything I have
Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday to you my sweetheart.

You weary eyes,
they are so driven for I
yes, I
have fallen in love with
such a beautiful boy as we
spend our nights chasing our
shadows ,
taking our time with our hands
held together.

I cry
I cry and I cry and I cry
because I have no one
no
not a friend, nor a foe
Seen
Treated
Talked to
as if I'm a hobo on the streets
You see,
I do I do
I do cry for a boy
because I love him so
even when his words are so low
so weak I cannot
pick myself up when I fall
cannot even get on my knees
and crawl
I only cross for my fingers
for the night I sleep
the next morning I awake,
and the blue birds,
yeah the blue birds will sing.

Red will forever and always be my most favorite thing I inhale into my lungs.

Cigarettes are nothing
but poison
the way you need them,
actually need them
when you get to that point
your ******
Flicking your finger makes you
just want one more
When Im anxious for one
the feeling
is horrible
inhaling all the toxins
feels so beautiful
and
When I cry,
I just want to hold one
in between my fingers
I hate needing them
Ive never needed something
so much right now
and I cant even have one
Makes me want to go mental.

This time last year,
the leaves were at the turn
to red and orange
it was a beautiful fall
was with a beautiful boy
who at the time
kissed me
and left me with bittersweet
goodbyes until next time
I had my best friend
to my side,
my sister to describe at best
I was happy and
all my worries seemed
to disappear with every smiled
that appeared

This time this year,
the weather is still warm
and leaves have not changed
a bit
nothings changed a bit
but perhaps gotten worse
Trust in my lover is bent
and I no longer have the best
friend I longed for
I cry for no reasons at all
Im stressed
and I feel like Im going to crack
crack again,
I need a cigarette
a glass of wine
anything to pass the time
to go back in time
to this time last year.

May I vent, vent to someone kind?

This is but an apology letter,
nor a letter at that
perhaps just a few words,
a note
my dearest friend
even without a title
or even if we are no longer
in each others lives
i will always love you
with such the heavy heart I have
This time,
we'd be sharing cigarettes in
your car, laughing of silly things
and though we have parted
I will miss you
and Im sorry for the harsh
things I've caused
all the troubles
Happy,
Happy Birthday to you
Sweet girl,
forever will I miss you
Spend your days well.

The level of stress
there is upon a
relationship
weather to trust your lover
with your heart
after the decision
to tear it apart
Where trust becomes
questionable
and how simple things
seen with your eyes
can make your heart sink,
sink to undesirable places.
Questions run through your mind
endless number of times
"Does he love me?"
"Am I the only girl?"
"What am I  worth?"
When you get to this point
I cry
I cry for you,
for you love him so
but too much to let him go.

Daddy,
this poem is for you,
an apology letter of some kind
because really, I want to say I am sorry
for I have disappointed you countless
number of times
For the goals of yours I could not reach,
no matter what I do, I am sorry
for making things harder
For I have mistaken,
thinking I can count on you
to help keep me on my long finger toes
I am sorry I can not keep myself together
like how i use to
For doing drugs,
lying,
stealing,
leaving,
I am sorry I am not the daughter
you intended to raise
You raised a black sheep
and the only one too
I know you question,
"what to do, oh what is there to do?"
And Daddy I wish you knew,
but I do
but that will just **** you
but I wish to leave
and have peace in mind
for here there is no peace,
I dont want to hurt you any longer
so it is my time to go,
to make peace in your home
and for me
wherever that may be
Know that I do not hate you,
but love you more for  everything
you have done but

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry.

Green eyes,
wish they'd stay
but only when I cry
and my eyes are red
from the acidic tears
only when I'm high
and my eyes are red
from the smoke roaming the air

wish green eyes would stay,
but I am stuck with brown
and theyre kind of a bore.

Usted es una pobre excusa de un ser humano.

Cigarettes,
after ***
after arguments
on cold days
on hot ones too
by the pool
at parties
walking down the street
when anxiety is taking over
when everything is sad
or when you are mad
relief of stress

It is sad to say,
a cigarette feels more like a fresh
of breath air
roaming my lungs
than the air I breath
and how it doesn't feel like
a stick packed with
toxins and cancer
killing my lungs.

I don't know if I love you,
dear
but I'm pretty sure I do
all I know is that
it is sunny
and I miss you today,
my dear

We dance around the streets
in silence and smiles
I do,
I do love you
my dear

Bold brown eyes
you are so beautiful
and the ways you look
at me
makes my mind so mental,
my dear

Cigarettes and coffee
are our early mornings
that I miss most
through these weeks,
my dear

I don't know if you love
me dear
all I know is that
It's sunny
and I miss you today
my dear.

I love him so,
I love him so much
that when he is away for work for the week
my thoughts only consume of him
and every thought makes me
realize how much
I am completely in love with him
Find myself always missing his smart *** grin
and his ways with words
and the way he wakes up to me
saying "goodmorning baby" and kisses me again
and how he goes on for hours talking about
one specific thing
things that inspires him
like music, and Bob Dylan
I couldnt ask to be with a more
perfect human being
though he is not perfect
no, not at all
but he is, and always will be
the one I will be making
future plans with
plans like marriage
plans like children and
plans like where we will be living 5 years from now
because i love him, i love him so
and I never want to let him go
so its never "I love you, goodbye"
its always "I love you, Ill see you soon"
and I like that.

I smoke cigarettes
and I smoke and I smoke and I smoke  and I smoke
and I drink, drink the whiskey and my whine
my livers are dry and I've changed my name to
Black Lung Jack
Ohhh, well give me some of that crack, Jack!
We'll take taps and spice our tea
with shrooms and and wait until we see
we'll walk around and
we'll cry and we'll cry and we'll cry
  Then off we go we'll see a show and afterwards
we shall ****
but don't mistaken by such a kind boy cause
he might just have the clap so wear
a glove and let him shove and grind up
against your back

and I meep and I cry as we say our goodbyes,
Ill go home, perhaps ill take a nap

Coffee, and cigarettes
       i think im gonna crack
sweet words oh such lies
       i think im gonna crack
you walk around with you head held high
       i think im gonna crack
you cheat and lie, you beg
       i think im gonna crack
you love me, you love me not
       what do you want?
           i think im gonna crack
im lonely i need you
         i think im gonna crack
tabs and trips
        i think im gonna crack
Coffee, and cigarettes
     ****
       love me, i love you
           i think im gonna crack
lines, snorts
    i need more
       i think im gonna crack
you leave me,
    you love her

            cracked.

Such a fool for you,
she once said

I believe so I am what a
fool for you
  my thoughts   t
                            u
                               m
                                    b
                         ­               ble
tumble and fall
how I lost my mind thinking
of you

Your touch, your love, such lust
  Look at me,
such a fool, such a fool for you
but yet I do not trust you
with thy heart but how not
  when you give so much lust?
Tell me, am I your baby
or one of your little ******
I hope not,
as you put your head between thighs
"more, more, more!"
You're disgusting, I hate you
such a fool, a fool for you.

You walk around with your
head held high
think you are grand
some kind of god
I've got news sweetheart
your nothing but a poor boy
& such a ******* bore.

          ....

I'm sorry, I've gone mad
you make me mental loving you
your soft words,
such lies but I am
such a fool, a fool for you
   You love me,
you love me not
what do you want?
You're making me insane
and I think its time to walk,
walk out your door  

I am nothing to you,
but a Friday night tour
I'm done, I'm gone
  but forever will I be a fool,
such a fool for you.

How sad it is
that such a small word
can have so much
meaning
  How one little word
revolves around everything
We cry, we laugh, we pry
all because of a simple word
  Causing so much horrid
and yet so much greatness
How it runs all relationships
and how it ruins love and
fixes love

Tell me dear, oh what would we do
without
trust?

We walked on the shores
with our bare feet, at
a beach where old souls
once made love in
   crossed fingers and
caressed our skin
we told each other sweet words
and lied down again
With the flock of seagulls  
and sand in our hands,
we kissed and took
ocean air in

I love you now and
i love you always thank
you for being my
happiness
and lying with me 'til the
sunset ends.

A year from now,
I'd like to be where I was
a year ago
with the same boy who made
my life a show

We'll be at the capital
far away from all horrid beings
We'll live our lives together
just him and me

To wake by his side
To explore and drive
Oh, it sounds so happy
kind of makes me want to cry

So here it goes,
a year from now I will
be gone from this ****
town with the boy
from my dreams

Cross my fingers
and never let them go.

I'm so happy,
it's sad
because I don't want it
to end
I've finally found my place
here in this **** town
and I've fallen so in
love with him
Im so happy
it makes me want to cry

Kind of fell of the face
of earth
but I'm back
for now,
for awhile
until it ends again.