I dread today because I know
it might be the last i see you,
or it may not
but i am afraid i will hand  you
your things and that,
that will be it
we will say our goodbyes for the last
and leave it at that
and that is just so so, sad.

Taken so much acid, that I know longer have a memory and that depresses me.

I began to feel uncomfortable with the skin
I lied in
when I could no longer feel the bones
that wrapped around my skin.

The anxiety has gotten worse.
I can feel it throughout my whole body
Like a virus
Like its trying to consume me,
im afraid it is
and im afraid i cant stop it.

They say "Find where your anxiety begins and squash it"
Id be squashing the one I love most.
Id be letting go of four years,
although these four years have been a roller coaster
one thats broken down and tried to be rebuilt
several times

They ask "why dont you just walk away, its cant be THAT hard"
but it is that hard and my anxiety makes the final call
You see,
my thoughts run through, come back, run though and get stuck
every day, every chance my mind will let them
Its all repetitive,
the thoughts
the feelings, the pain
words, his words
our false promises

Its been repetitive and i feel ive grown immune
to this virus
and i feel ive made a home in it

Dont get me wrong,
I love him
and i always will.
More then he'll ever know
but even then i thought it was enough for him not to cheat
whos to say he wont do it again
I now know what hes capable of

He knows how to rid of his tracks
He knows that i wont just look through his phone
He knows ill allow it all to swallow me,
have me cry about it later

There comes a time where it gets old,
where my insecurities keep asking who hes talking to
or whos hes seeing while im working

You see where my anxieties taken me?

Love makes me go ******* mad.

Good luck to all of you.

A year from now,
I'd like to be where I was
a year ago
with the same boy who made
my life a show

We'll be at the capital
far away from all horrid beings
We'll live our lives together
just him and me

To wake by his side
To explore and drive
Oh, it sounds so happy
kind of makes me want to cry

So here it goes,
a year from now I will
be gone from this ****
town with the boy
from my dreams

Cross my fingers
and never let them go.

I cry
I cry and I cry and I cry
because I have no one
no
not a friend, nor a foe
Seen
Treated
Talked to
as if I'm a hobo on the streets
You see,
I do I do
I do cry for a boy
because I love him so
even when his words are so low
so weak I cannot
pick myself up when I fall
cannot even get on my knees
and crawl
I only cross for my fingers
for the night I sleep
the next morning I awake,
and the blue birds,
yeah the blue birds will sing.

Happy
Anger
Depression

The three stages of what I go through daily

1. I wake up, to the sweetest and most kindest human being. Feeling grateful for all that I have. Happy I’m living a life of experiences that have made me grow into the human being I am today

2. Mid day, few hours in, getting upset. Which turns into getting angry. Irrational decisions. Irrational responses. Starting arguments. Ending arguments in “I’ll just leave then.” Over something silly, over nothing.

3. My night, when my day really starts. I start feeling completely empty. Hopeless. Feeling like it would just be easier not to be here. Contemplating, with thoughts running through my head asking myself if it’s really worth it. Can I handle it this time? I have a deep aching in my heart and I just want to be numb.


But I’ll go to sleep, at this point drunk or drugs running deep into my system. And in the morning it’ll all be washed away. Until it comes again. Every time, I don’t know how to prepare myself.

Cigarettes,
after ***
after arguments
on cold days
on hot ones too
by the pool
at parties
walking down the street
when anxiety is taking over
when everything is sad
or when you are mad
relief of stress

It is sad to say,
a cigarette feels more like a fresh
of breath air
roaming my lungs
than the air I breath
and how it doesn't feel like
a stick packed with
toxins and cancer
killing my lungs.

Cigarettes are nothing
but poison
the way you need them,
actually need them
when you get to that point
your ******
Flicking your finger makes you
just want one more
When Im anxious for one
the feeling
is horrible
inhaling all the toxins
feels so beautiful
and
When I cry,
I just want to hold one
in between my fingers
I hate needing them
Ive never needed something
so much right now
and I cant even have one
Makes me want to go mental.

Coffee, and cigarettes
       i think im gonna crack
sweet words oh such lies
       i think im gonna crack
you walk around with you head held high
       i think im gonna crack
you cheat and lie, you beg
       i think im gonna crack
you love me, you love me not
       what do you want?
           i think im gonna crack
im lonely i need you
         i think im gonna crack
tabs and trips
        i think im gonna crack
Coffee, and cigarettes
     ****
       love me, i love you
           i think im gonna crack
lines, snorts
    i need more
       i think im gonna crack
you leave me,
    you love her

            cracked.

We walked on the shores
with our bare feet, at
a beach where old souls
once made love in
   crossed fingers and
caressed our skin
we told each other sweet words
and lied down again
With the flock of seagulls  
and sand in our hands,
we kissed and took
ocean air in

I love you now and
i love you always thank
you for being my
happiness
and lying with me 'til the
sunset ends.

warm
thick
veiny
full of children
****.

From what I've learned of love,

never hold your breath
you'll end up dead.

I'm so happy,
it's sad
because I don't want it
to end
I've finally found my place
here in this **** town
and I've fallen so in
love with him
Im so happy
it makes me want to cry

Kind of fell of the face
of earth
but I'm back
for now,
for awhile
until it ends again.

You creep
and you crawl,
you look through the shadows
of your own well being
you're a cat
Observant and curious of all
things around,
havn't you hear, baby?
Curiosity killed the cat.
and when we are together,
they mistaken our names
for Mr. Tom & Jerry,
a game of cat and mouse.
You the cat, me the rodent
getting caught between your knees
and as you eat me up,
I don't squirm,
no not one bit ,
as you leave me breathless.
Swallow me up, take me hole
fill you up with my poisons

Wish you knew baby,
wish you knew curiosity killed
the cat

Arkansas here I come,

leave my lover and friends behind.
I've got to find my mind
in one place or
another and California livin'
isn't doing its duty.

So I say goodbye for now,
and in a year I'll look less dead.

7 years,
and it times to go
California is no place for home

the weather is dry and
the leaves have no season

and oh dear all I want
is to find my reason here

but the American Dream
aint the thing for me
  so Ill pack my things
and Ill bring my lover,

from there we'll make our life
a show.

He spoke to me in words
told me to promise
to cross pinkies
to tell all his loved ones
that he loves them so,
and hes sorry
sorry to have to let go so easy
with an uneased mind

he held me
and he told me he loved me
told me to keep going on and
missing him will be temporary

we sat on the train tracks
waiting
waiting for the better end to come
together we wanted to leave
him and i
so we went.

Tomorrow I graduate,
It wasn't a deal a few months ago
It was to early, to soon to think anything of it
but tomorrow I will be alone
as I congratulate myself with bowls
and more bowls  and cigarettes
feeling more and more worthless
Mothers in another state
and Father is off trying to make more money
Maybe it isnt such a big deal,
I just thought it would be different,
Anyways,
congratulations to me
I have made it,
I think.

Green eyes,
wish they'd stay
but only when I cry
and my eyes are red
from the acidic tears
only when I'm high
and my eyes are red
from the smoke roaming the air

wish green eyes would stay,
but I am stuck with brown
and theyre kind of a bore.

Happy Birthday ,
to my sweetest sweetheart
486 days and I've only grown
to love you more
and I will continue to
until my heart decays
for I have not cared for anyone more
than I do you
and though our relationship
has not been such a smooth ride
It is one of my favorites
and I dont want anything more
than to keep riding along
with you baby
I love you with all my heart
my heart and everything I have
Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday to you my sweetheart.

I thought I knew what real heartache felt like. But I didn't, not until now. My heart physically hurts, and I can't breathe. Every time I think a little more, a little more it hurts. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I'm in a dark closed box, tightly squeezed and getting out isn't possible.

My name is simple,
my name is
Brittney
Five years ago
I lived in a town where
violence was the answer and
people killed to stay alive
to take care of their loved ones
I was safe where I was at,
my heart
and my head
Just four years ago,
I moved
to somewhere new
new people
I never even knew
Before my first year,
I knew who I wanted to be
who I was
until I got into drugs
met great people
and lost them because they
werent so great
Fell in love,
am in love
maybe..
to a boy who sometimes wants to
be with me

Im on my last year,
and I have no idea who I am
where I am
where I want to go, to do
I lost motivation for everything
My name is easy,
My name is Brittney
but thats not the question,
the question is
Who Am I?

I have scars vertically placed on my arms from the kindness of a rusted razor blade

don't be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I have bruises on my knees from the rocks placed on the train tracks

dont be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I have rub marks on my neck from the rope that broke like a small piece of thread

don't be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I only tried to **** myself, that's all, go back to tweeting.

You reek like cigarettes
and your lungs are dry,
   you have no words
     you just stare,
  with your bold brown eyes

You pick and pull and bite
   your nails until the
     tips go dull
I'd tell you to quit but baby Im no troll

Since we last slept,
   your beds become home
     we lie there and talk,
talk, talk, talk

        here is where you lie and stare,
with your brown bold eyes

I don't know if I love you,
dear
but I'm pretty sure I do
all I know is that
it is sunny
and I miss you today,
my dear

We dance around the streets
in silence and smiles
I do,
I do love you
my dear

Bold brown eyes
you are so beautiful
and the ways you look
at me
makes my mind so mental,
my dear

Cigarettes and coffee
are our early mornings
that I miss most
through these weeks,
my dear

I don't know if you love
me dear
all I know is that
It's sunny
and I miss you today
my dear.

Daddy,
this poem is for you,
an apology letter of some kind
because really, I want to say I am sorry
for I have disappointed you countless
number of times
For the goals of yours I could not reach,
no matter what I do, I am sorry
for making things harder
For I have mistaken,
thinking I can count on you
to help keep me on my long finger toes
I am sorry I can not keep myself together
like how i use to
For doing drugs,
lying,
stealing,
leaving,
I am sorry I am not the daughter
you intended to raise
You raised a black sheep
and the only one too
I know you question,
"what to do, oh what is there to do?"
And Daddy I wish you knew,
but I do
but that will just **** you
but I wish to leave
and have peace in mind
for here there is no peace,
I dont want to hurt you any longer
so it is my time to go,
to make peace in your home
and for me
wherever that may be
Know that I do not hate you,
but love you more for  everything
you have done but

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry.

My sweetheart,
the one I love so dearly
the one who keeps me on my
toes and my head on straight
tried to leave again only
this time I wasn't there to witness,
to hold him and listen
and it breaks me,
makes me mental because I knew
he wanted to go
but he knew if he jumped I would
now all I could do
is sit here
smoke a cigarette and
pick flowers
while he's lying in a
hospital bed getting some
knowledge from someone
with a degree and
wait.

Sang me a song, one of my favorites by Dylan,
you sang and sang and sang
and I knew,
I knew this was it.
"Go 'way from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'm not the one you need
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who's never weak but always strong
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me babe It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

"Yeah.. Im going to have to leave you"

and then, you were gone.

I love him so,
I love him so much
that when he is away for work for the week
my thoughts only consume of him
and every thought makes me
realize how much
I am completely in love with him
Find myself always missing his smart *** grin
and his ways with words
and the way he wakes up to me
saying "goodmorning baby" and kisses me again
and how he goes on for hours talking about
one specific thing
things that inspires him
like music, and Bob Dylan
I couldnt ask to be with a more
perfect human being
though he is not perfect
no, not at all
but he is, and always will be
the one I will be making
future plans with
plans like marriage
plans like children and
plans like where we will be living 5 years from now
because i love him, i love him so
and I never want to let him go
so its never "I love you, goodbye"
its always "I love you, Ill see you soon"
and I like that.

There is no difference between a lie

and a white lie

because in the end

it is still a lie,

and you still look like a fool for believing it.

I didn't leave another thing
but a single thing
tucked in the bathroom drawer

I didn't need it
or want it

but I wanted to go back and get it
just so we can have another awful goodbye
and so before I leave
youd pull me into your arms
and tell me you love me

and we'll be okay again
until we're not.

so I could leave another single thing
when you tell me to leave  

it'll only the eighth time you have
but that's ok
because im willing to come back every single time

and do it again and again.

Love *****. And it's hard to let go.

I met a boy
who told me sweet words
and built a butterfly garden in my stomach
He took away all the horrid thoughts i build in my mind
set them free, took me away to thoughts of love and lust

Showed me the way to happiness
and there is where he stands
with arms open, he let me in and as did I
and from a simple touch he showed me how to love

His fingers caressed my body
crawling over my skin,
a feeling I never felt but couldnt get enough

We were hidden int the sheets,
**** and comfortable with the scars on our skin
with the marks that lied on my body, the ones that come
in the process of growing.
He didn't mind I wasn't perfect
not like the others he tried so hard to find

We lied there together,
him and I,
in comfortable silence
and I knew, I just knew..

Nine years,
It's time to put time behind and
find myself to happiness
because the American Dream isn't all
a dream
I found myself wanting to die
in the middle of it
got caught up making wrong decisions
and giving love and limbs
to a pack of wolves
who tore me in two
ripped me to shreds and walked on
maybe somewhere between
now and then
Ill find the one thing I lost

my sense in dreamin.

I've got a loss of words,

I feel nothing but everything
and I'm not sure what it is

but nothing is quite right
but then again, nothing is quite wrong

I think I've lost my mind in the
thoughts of..

How can I be so blind?
Who am I again -
whats your name?
look at the stars, they shine so bright.

Get out of my head
I want to get out of my own head
please lets not do this

You're a beautiful boy, I love you
I hate you
who are you?
hold me close keep them away

I can't do this I want to die.
I feel nothing,
I want to feel.

There are times, when I do not doubt he will break my heart again.
But those only seem to be the days when I doubt myself.
He understands I am weak, and he is weak, but much much stronger than me.
Love gives me a feeling in my gut, I cannot help
to be afraid and that's what I feel most of all. The stress, is making me want to finish off this benadryl.

This is not poetry, just a little write.

A month ago you were there while needles poked and pinned my skin. There where secrets came untold and where I lied becoming untwined. You were only a face, a physical being in the present but not so in my presence. One who I was told to be careful around. For my physical being is safe, but the lively part of me, my whole being, feeling every existing thing, a wall was a safe bet. But it took less then a day. Realizing love can and does happen quickly. Our souls have become one, and I can feel a part of you in me. You are a beautiful one, your heart, the parts of you that hurt,  your existence. One that I appreciate and can feel fully in my heart. I love you.

The last one and you think you're done
They are no fun,
Just trouble in your lungs
And even when you don't want them to,
They end up creepin and crawlin
back to you.

May I vent, vent to someone kind?

I need another vent,
someone,
anyone,
please help.

My mind is my world and it feel like it's all stopped. It's all stopped and instead of everything coming together and falling into it's place, I feel like everything's collided and I can't make sense of a single thing. I feel I've become numb in the process. That I know I want to cry, but I don't know the reason, I don't know why. I feel pain, but I can't find the root of it and pull it out and rid of it for good. All these smiles around me and I can't seem to give one back without the reasoning being, it's polite to smile back. I can't feel my legs, I can't feel anything but the pain and this time it's consuming me whole. Makes me want to dig myself a hole, 6ft deep and lie there. That's where I believe I'll find peace. Away from everything and everyone. My conscious is ruining me, ruining everything. Ruining the world I've created in my head. I think I've gone crazy. I feel like a bad peach and I'm no good to or for anyone anymore.  My face is long and sad and looks like it's gone through a good run in the mud, or piles of mascara is you want me to be literal. I think I've lost my soul and now I'm just a walking corpse. I don't know what I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel.

My name is Brit,
and as the days go one
I wish that name didnt belong to
the person I am today

Young and trying to find new
experiences in an empty town
full of horrid beings we interact with.

In love with a boy
who see's me as not enough
who breaks me with simple words
who I'd rather be with, than being alone.

Finding better places inside the mind
with the power of a tab on the tongue
or a snort from the nose

But when everything starts to come down
as do I
and I wish I was gone

Always trying to find the guts
and once I did
and with a glass on the side
13 white pills filled my stomach

My names Brit,
and I don't know who I am
and I think I've lost my mind.

I am here, and that is all
just a body
just
here.

No good for the getting better, only feel like I'm going to put you back into getting worse because I am nowhere close to being fine.