The three stages of what I go through daily
1. I wake up, to the sweetest and most kindest human being. Feeling grateful for all that I have. Happy I’m living a life of experiences that have made me grow into the human being I am today
2. Mid day, few hours in, getting upset. Which turns into getting angry. Irrational decisions. Irrational responses. Starting arguments. Ending arguments in “I’ll just leave then.” Over something silly, over nothing.
3. My night, when my day really starts. I start feeling completely empty. Hopeless. Feeling like it would just be easier not to be here. Contemplating, with thoughts running through my head asking myself if it’s really worth it. Can I handle it this time? I have a deep aching in my heart and I just want to be numb.
But I’ll go to sleep, at this point drunk or drugs running deep into my system. And in the morning it’ll all be washed away. Until it comes again. Every time, I don’t know how to prepare myself.
A month ago you were there while needles poked and pinned my skin. There where secrets came untold and where I lied becoming untwined. You were only a face, a physical being in the present but not so in my presence. One who I was told to be careful around. For my physical being is safe, but the lively part of me, my whole being, feeling every existing thing, a wall was a safe bet. But it took less then a day. Realizing love can and does happen quickly. Our souls have become one, and I can feel a part of you in me. You are a beautiful one, your heart, the parts of you that hurt, your existence. One that I appreciate and can feel fully in my heart. I love you.
You want a pity party but you're the one that slept with my best friend,
you did it again when you thought
might heart had mend
You gave your apologies
but not loud enough for me to comprehend
I'm creepin all over you.
I know you see me,
I know you feel me,
creepin all over you.
Don't fear me,
And I will show you
what is true
Don't tease me,
I know you want me,
creepin all over you.
I'd never say I was your world,
I don't think I ever was anything that close
But I was in your world,
I was in there for four years
doing things together
100% consuming you and what you gave,
and what you didn't give.
Consumed the happiness, anger, sadness.
Consumed everything whole
I was slowly losing myself
and molding into a clone of yours
Your own personal clown in your own little world. I lost myself completely.
Couldn't begin to explain who I was, but instead explained who you were and your likes and dislikes.
Now we are here,
Separate in two different worlds
and as I'm starting to find myself
who I am,
I'm starting to lose you
and i am fading out of your world
The sad truth is,
is I don't mind.
I can't feel I'll miss where I was
who I was when I was with you
I am ready to rid myself the pain you caused
I am ready to be me
I am ready to be happy
and not be so ******.
I don't want to ask,
because I know what he'll say
I don't want to look,
because I know what I'll find
I'm afraid that the thoughts consuming me
the thoughts telling me
"He is the same person doing the same things like before"
I'm afraid they're right, that they're true
And I'm afraid that every piece of hope I had left
hoping he wouldn't hurt me again,
that he'd stay true to his word
I am afraid that my hope will be disrupted
And I will be in pain again
I love him so,
sometimes even too much to want to let go
Even when knowing what the truth may be
The anxiety has gotten worse.
I can feel it throughout my whole body
Like a virus
Like its trying to consume me,
im afraid it is
and im afraid i cant stop it.
They say "Find where your anxiety begins and squash it"
Id be squashing the one I love most.
Id be letting go of four years,
although these four years have been a roller coaster
one thats broken down and tried to be rebuilt
They ask "why dont you just walk away, its cant be THAT hard"
but it is that hard and my anxiety makes the final call
my thoughts run through, come back, run though and get stuck
every day, every chance my mind will let them
Its all repetitive,
the feelings, the pain
words, his words
our false promises
Its been repetitive and i feel ive grown immune
to this virus
and i feel ive made a home in it
Dont get me wrong,
I love him
and i always will.
More then he'll ever know
but even then i thought it was enough for him not to cheat
whos to say he wont do it again
I now know what hes capable of
He knows how to rid of his tracks
He knows that i wont just look through his phone
He knows ill allow it all to swallow me,
have me cry about it later
There comes a time where it gets old,
where my insecurities keep asking who hes talking to
or whos hes seeing while im working
You see where my anxieties taken me?
Love makes me go ******* mad.
Good luck to all of you.