Happy
Anger
Depression

The three stages of what I go through daily

1. I wake up, to the sweetest and most kindest human being. Feeling grateful for all that I have. Happy I’m living a life of experiences that have made me grow into the human being I am today

2. Mid day, few hours in, getting upset. Which turns into getting angry. Irrational decisions. Irrational responses. Starting arguments. Ending arguments in “I’ll just leave then.” Over something silly, over nothing.

3. My night, when my day really starts. I start feeling completely empty. Hopeless. Feeling like it would just be easier not to be here. Contemplating, with thoughts running through my head asking myself if it’s really worth it. Can I handle it this time? I have a deep aching in my heart and I just want to be numb.


But I’ll go to sleep, at this point drunk or drugs running deep into my system. And in the morning it’ll all be washed away. Until it comes again. Every time, I don’t know how to prepare myself.

A month ago you were there while needles poked and pinned my skin. There where secrets came untold and where I lied becoming untwined. You were only a face, a physical being in the present but not so in my presence. One who I was told to be careful around. For my physical being is safe, but the lively part of me, my whole being, feeling every existing thing, a wall was a safe bet. But it took less then a day. Realizing love can and does happen quickly. Our souls have become one, and I can feel a part of you in me. You are a beautiful one, your heart, the parts of you that hurt,  your existence. One that I appreciate and can feel fully in my heart. I love you.

I'm creepin,
I'm crawlin,
I'm creepin all over you.

I know you see me,
I know you feel me,
creepin all over you.

Hear me,
Don't fear me,
And I will show you
what is true

Don't tease me,
I know you want me,
creepin all over you.

I'd never say I was your world,
I don't think I ever was anything that close
for you
But I was in your world,
I was in there for four years

Thinking alike,
doing things together
100% consuming you and what you gave,
and what you didn't give.
Consumed the happiness, anger, sadness.
Consumed everything whole
I was slowly losing myself
and molding into a clone of yours
Your own personal clown in your own little world. I lost myself completely.
Couldn't begin to explain who I was, but instead explained who you were and your likes and dislikes.

Now we are here,
Separate in two different worlds
and as I'm starting to find myself
who I am,
I'm starting to lose you
and i am fading out of your world

The sad truth is,
is I don't mind.
I can't feel I'll miss where I was
who I was when I was with you

I am ready to rid myself the pain you caused
I am ready to be me
I am ready to be happy
and not be so ******.

I don't want to ask,
because I know what he'll say

I don't want to look,
because I know what I'll find

I'm afraid that the thoughts consuming me
the thoughts telling me
"He is the same person doing the same things like before"
I'm afraid they're right, that they're true

And I'm afraid that every piece of hope I had left
hoping he wouldn't hurt me again,
that he'd stay true to his word
I am afraid that my hope will be disrupted
And I will be in pain again

I love him so,
sometimes even too much to want to let go
Even when knowing what the truth may be

The anxiety has gotten worse.
I can feel it throughout my whole body
Like a virus
Like its trying to consume me,
im afraid it is
and im afraid i cant stop it.

They say "Find where your anxiety begins and squash it"
Id be squashing the one I love most.
Id be letting go of four years,
although these four years have been a roller coaster
one thats broken down and tried to be rebuilt
several times

They ask "why dont you just walk away, its cant be THAT hard"
but it is that hard and my anxiety makes the final call
You see,
my thoughts run through, come back, run though and get stuck
every day, every chance my mind will let them
Its all repetitive,
the thoughts
the feelings, the pain
words, his words
our false promises

Its been repetitive and i feel ive grown immune
to this virus
and i feel ive made a home in it

Dont get me wrong,
I love him
and i always will.
More then he'll ever know
but even then i thought it was enough for him not to cheat
whos to say he wont do it again
I now know what hes capable of

He knows how to rid of his tracks
He knows that i wont just look through his phone
He knows ill allow it all to swallow me,
have me cry about it later

There comes a time where it gets old,
where my insecurities keep asking who hes talking to
or whos hes seeing while im working

You see where my anxieties taken me?

Love makes me go ******* mad.

Good luck to all of you.

In this day in age, I don't know anyone who doesn't know what it's like to want to die.

I wish the thoughts that have made a home inside my mind walk forward and go a far
I wish they didn't belong to me,
but because they do
I wish you knew them

I wish you knew them as much as
you think you know me
because if you did,
you'd know me quite well.

but I don't think I want to give
you that again
for you've abused it one too many times
and now the only thing that lies between us
is a barrier that you caused, and one I've created

The best news I've heard in days,
even months..sometimes I think in years

my sister, creating a home inside her tummy
for a beautiful baby bean
creating a life..

just as i thought there wasnt a reason,
a meaning to stay
on the edge on contemplation,
of suicide

my heart,  my head
"you've got to be here for this baby"

and I will. and I cannot wait.

Do you ever start thinking, then begin thinking more

and more
and more

and you reach this point where your head is hurting but the thoughts won't go away and as much as you try to make them stop they keep going and going and going

and this part of you just makes you ******* wish you had a



I won't say it,
but this has been the last four years. I think my conscious is trying to **** me.

I'm sorry for the pain we've caused each other.
I'm sorry for my insecurities corrupting the chances of us trying to be okay again.
I'm sorry for putting you through this, for just not letting you go and be happy.
I'm sorry that I love you so much, too much to let you go.
I'm sorry for trying, and then contradicting all of that because of how sad I truly am.
I'm sorry I over think to the point my thoughts don't make any kind of sense.
I'm sorry for everything

My mind is my world and it feel like it's all stopped. It's all stopped and instead of everything coming together and falling into it's place, I feel like everything's collided and I can't make sense of a single thing. I feel I've become numb in the process. That I know I want to cry, but I don't know the reason, I don't know why. I feel pain, but I can't find the root of it and pull it out and rid of it for good. All these smiles around me and I can't seem to give one back without the reasoning being, it's polite to smile back. I can't feel my legs, I can't feel anything but the pain and this time it's consuming me whole. Makes me want to dig myself a hole, 6ft deep and lie there. That's where I believe I'll find peace. Away from everything and everyone. My conscious is ruining me, ruining everything. Ruining the world I've created in my head. I think I've gone crazy. I feel like a bad peach and I'm no good to or for anyone anymore.  My face is long and sad and looks like it's gone through a good run in the mud, or piles of mascara is you want me to be literal. I think I've lost my soul and now I'm just a walking corpse. I don't know what I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel.

I'd like to think every poem I write
is as equal as a love letter for you
perhaps some kind of cry for help

if you were to ever be truly curious of how I felt
read me,
and you will see
the pain and the love i feel

for you more specifically

I don't know another time when I havnt written about you..
for you

One day,
when you read these writings
I hope your eyes widen
as well as your mind

and you all of a sudden see everything and understand, everything

and from there,
both you and I will see together.

Love
What is love

Love happens for sixth months
then your existence is no longer new
but use to

Affection

Affection is the sweetness that hands give
and the kind words that flow thoroughly
We give it all, until what you give is given back thoroughly with rejection

Trust

Trust is nothing more than a must
Without it,
even his innconent flirting will no longer make you feel sane


Reassurance

Reassurance  is when you're no where but your lowest with the noose tied gently around your neck, and with every high hope you'll receive a simple peck and the words that it'll be okay

or you'll get "sweetheart this is our truce", and they'll watch your body sway,  because you couldn't get it any loose.

We began to know each other when our minds spiraled downwards toward the rabbit hole. When everyone else were distorted, we, we were beautiful. You were beautiful. So beautiful the sight of you made me cry. And as our minds took us somewhere else, so did your hands, on my body. Exploring every delicate detail that lied there. My birth mark, my scars. And you'd kiss them and make the internal pain go away. God you were so ******* beautiful, and I loved you so much. It was a dream to be in that state with you. Too good to be real. So when we started coming down, back to reality. When everyone started to look the same, when you started to look like everyone else. When you began to scold me for my scars, and when your touch began to leave blacks and blues on my skin the sight of you made me cry.  Because I knew, I knew it was too good to be true. Now I lie here and look at you and think, who are you?

I didn't leave another thing
but a single thing
tucked in the bathroom drawer

I didn't need it
or want it

but I wanted to go back and get it
just so we can have another awful goodbye
and so before I leave
youd pull me into your arms
and tell me you love me

and we'll be okay again
until we're not.

so I could leave another single thing
when you tell me to leave  

it'll only the eighth time you have
but that's ok
because im willing to come back every single time

and do it again and again.

Love *****. And it's hard to let go.

I thought I knew what real heartache felt like. But I didn't, not until now. My heart physically hurts, and I can't breathe. Every time I think a little more, a little more it hurts. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I'm in a dark closed box, tightly squeezed and getting out isn't possible.

I saw him for the first time in a month. The first time we've spoke even, and nothing seemed to have changed. I'm not sure wether to feel scared or happy about that. We got so ****** we passed out on his bed where we both use to lie. Being in his presence became the most comfortable feeling i felt in awhile. And as he lied next to me, he scooted and wrapped his arms around my bones and whispered he missed me, and went back to sleep. I don't want to leave. I want to stay where I am, like this, us and everything forever.


I'm afraid of what's going to happen once I leave again.. what's going to happen with us, with me? I don't want to be alone.

I left the boy that I love in the whole world because like all things, I became an object to him. Something he came home to like his games or his bed. And even when I lied there next to him he looked through me like glass, and that, more than anything broke me. I left miles away, a few steps from the beach to be dulled away and caved in. Alone more than ever, i drowned myself with alcohol and drugs so my sadness wouldn't do so.

We lost each other when we lost the last bit of sanity we had left in our minds after all the times we fried. Fried every other day. One day it’d 2-3 tabs, other days we’d be breaking up crystal rocks in our water. I remember the first time we tripped together I looked at you and cried as if you were some kind of god, a part of Mother Nature that I wanted to lie and be surround in. I knew when we went too far, took too much because when I looked at you for to long, your face would start distorting and I felt like I no longer knew who you were and that scared me. In some ways I feel like we’ve got to know each other better on acid, who we were truly. And in some ways, I think that’s what’s caused us to break apart the last year. We lost ourselves, lost our minds literally. I truly hope one day, when we find ourselves again I’ll get to meet you and you’ll love yourself and the person you've become.

Let's play the game of Who Deserves Who
You mope and cry and make up lies
to those you know who love to pry
You make sick
as you blow your kiss
baby, why do you love to victimize?
It doesn't make sense
none of it
**** this
find yourself, and be true.

I was 17,
and was on psychadelics for months straight
in ways it opened my mind
but I lost it in the process

you ask me who I am,
I only know
I am the person you perceive

I was 17,
perscribed depressants,
not for me
but him
he still didn't mind sharing..
for months straight

the one I loved most
and I couldn't feel it
not only it,
but everything

I was numb

I am 18,
and for months straight
I feel as though I consume more
*** in my lungs
them the polluted air

You ask me
where is my mind?
Well, I'm not sure
and I'm not sure if I want to find it

My mind has found comfort
around drugs
and I'm not sure id know who I am
without them.

and that is the sad truth.

If you fall in love
Be prepared,
You are falling into pain too
Their words will seep into your veins
through, and through
to your heart and make you feel blue
Do not fear,
nor shed a tear
For love is love
and it comes and goes.

You said your words for the last time
I felt you dig into my chest
Couldn't think of a sadder mess
Felt your touch for the last time
didn't want you to leave me
Did you hear me when I told you I loved so
no,
you left and went right out the door
my lips were cold and I thought id died
felt your soul,
felt my heart go right through the floor

Liars lie and they'll make you cry
Lovers love, but they'll let you die
Do not trust the seeking eye
For it will seek and only pry

I didn't want to be sad l,
I didn't want to isolate myself
I wanted to feel something
To be loved
To laugh
But when I realized I did all this so I wasn't alone
Most of all,
Wasn't alone in my own head
I realized that I still was
No matter if I laughed
Felt loved
He been touched,
I realized I only distracted myself,
From me
From my problems
The ones in my head that I tried to cover up
I will always be in a battle with myself,
Until I love me,
And am comfortable with the thoughts I create.

The last one and you think you're done
They are no fun,
Just trouble in your lungs
And even when you don't want them to,
They end up creepin and crawlin
back to you.

"How come you're not talking, did I do something wrong, what is it now you're just quiet" you said , as I looked at you in the eye and told you I was fine. I suppose silence is louder than actual words. Truth is, I'm tired of talking, saying nonsense words that form a conversation that doesn't really matter. Talk just to talk. Truth is, I'm comfortable in our silence. I suppose you don't really love someone until you can lie down in silence and not feel uncomfortable to just not say a single ******* word. I want that, and not to be questioned why, and what's wrong when all I want to do is lie down, in silence.

Your kind words have no meaning
When you start to comfort me
in soft, felt like beatings and
just as I thought you'd leave me with a simple peck
you wrap your fingers around my skin
...I'd rather have a noose pull gently
around my neck
For what have I done,
Please tell me so
Perhaps you'd rather have one of your skimpy girls
Put on your favorite little show
Cue the music dear,
let's have a little hear
Cross your fingers you don't put her through fear

You're pathetic,
A pig,
Nothing at best
Dig baby, dig
Because you're going to turn out
Just like the rest

6 feet below.

I write poems, but I'm not sure if that makes me a poet and whether my writings are poems or just fragments with a similar ending pattern.

This is it
I'm moving 2000 miles away
By myself
With a woman who is known as my mother
But hasn't been one at all
Maybe I won't,
Maybe I won't want to die there.

But who's to say.

Oh dear its happening
what do i need?
I need a friend
my body is rushed with adrenaline
knowing i may lose him again

what do i do?
oh mama tell me please
i know your foot has fit the shoe

i bite my nails
and i tap my foot
but it doesn't help
im feeling a lot of  blue

What must I do
I love you so
and do not want to say
goodbye

Will you be the one
To loosen the noose
When I finally crack?

A widow I am
For you are not dead
but only gone

Buried beneath the meadows
Our love lost at the peak of dawn
For you are only man
And I shall not cry

For those, you shall not pry
Love will come again
For I shall not be around

cannot bare to watch you
Wear that crown
watch you be proud
of how many times
you've caused this frown

I have scars vertically placed on my arms from the kindness of a rusted razor blade

don't be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I have bruises on my knees from the rocks placed on the train tracks

dont be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I have rub marks on my neck from the rope that broke like a small piece of thread

don't be alarmed,
   I only tried to **** myself.

I only tried to **** myself, that's all, go back to tweeting.

Tomorrow I graduate,
It wasn't a deal a few months ago
It was to early, to soon to think anything of it
but tomorrow I will be alone
as I congratulate myself with bowls
and more bowls  and cigarettes
feeling more and more worthless
Mothers in another state
and Father is off trying to make more money
Maybe it isnt such a big deal,
I just thought it would be different,
Anyways,
congratulations to me
I have made it,
I think.

I am so foolish,
cant even keep my words up right
a talking monkey of some type
I am human
and I feel
and get laughed at for that too
Mold myself around opinions
who am i
what am i
Part of a puppet show
control me
mold me
make me
who i am
what i am