Empty
It’s what I feel
Lonely and stolen
Like I don’t belong
Trampling over breaths
I started to exist
But it wrenched out
To another trail
Another road
And I tried
To hope
Again

Trying to think
Or figure
Some niche
Of mine
Where I go
Or belong
Last words
Only linger
As whispered thoughts
Of yesterday
But tonight
One hopes
For more

Why do I feel Wrong
For feeling so much
Why should I be
Ashamed

The intensity inside me
Overwhelms and leaks
I can’t always
Contain

The world doesn’t understand
Even as I feel them
Their emotion or
Emptiness

They pour themselves
Into me and
I withstand again and
Again

Would I feel empty
Without that tether
To the emotional
Atmosphere

It’s easy to slip
Go into darkness
Hide from the world as it
Rejects

I put up walls
Just to survive
Their onslaught of
Feelings

I carry on
I crave that passion
While I detest the
Nothingness

You snooze
You lose
Fest ~ of all
the bore ring
Around the Collar
Me A-muse-D.

Insecurity is covering me today
Vulnerable and lame
Hidden away for days of grandeur
Revealing words of failure
Taunting with moans left behind
Anxiety came as a unwanted guest
Pretending its residence
Taking pride in the destruction
Overriding it seems impossible
They show me all my desires
Laughable and unrealistic
Then it stokes the fire higher than before
Making me yearn exponentially
Grabbing for peace
Striving for acceptance
Yet thinking this ineptitude won’t end
Undeserving, unrequited, and unfulfilled
Elusive contentment has exhausted me
Weariness joins my covering
Maybe tomorrow I will rest

Spills out
As I try to
Grab onto

strings, straws
threads

Maintain Balance
ShowNoFear

as

i slowly
disintegrate
inside

I keep trying to give up
But there is this innate thing
Inside me
That is persistently
Persevering

Call it “the survivor”
She is annoying
Stubborn
Nags at me

Tells me to
see the hope
And
find the gem
Or
give the chance

Seems this should be
Good, Great, Grand

But what if

Am I clinging to
Threads
and
False Hope
or
Futility

Do I
Return to the purge
Or
Finally flush it down

time will tell
but she ...
HA!
is the other stubborn ***** in my life

That numb feeling
Of not caring anymore
It scours the eyes
Not seeing past the scratches
Preoccupied by the dull ache
Sensing it more than experience
Trying to spark an ignition
That melts in the ice
Another chance
Maybe not
Lost again
In my mundanity

Be yourself…
**** that.
No one wants that
Myself….
What is that?
A ******* nutcase
Why do I even try?
I am lame…
And not quite the same
I messed up.
Yet I know
They got around it?
And now
We’re ******….
Because
I will put ‘em off.
And then, that’s it
Because
I don’t do that
The placating ****…
I see it
Want to throw up
Therefore,
I’m done.

(Like an over cooked steak)

Served up
Like a *****
To her custom
Errrrrrrr
Which way
Up and sideways
Give me more
**** your *****
Is it your hand
A bore
A chore
Your *****
Not at all
A salty silver poison
Balance that
*******
Healing
Or peeling
Choose
Your Own
Adventure

simple as
salt
added for
flavor
but complex
sodium
or halite
growing to
cubes
in those boxes
connecting
to each other
compounding
small bonds
to larger
formations
give pillars
or a pinch
maybe dash
too much
destroy
too little
bland
just right
delight

I ...
Going from this haze
Not knowing who
I am
Racing myself into
Obvious mistakes
But I can’t
Move
Away

I think about
all the hints and clues
yet
I keep hoping …

But
You just stopped.
It was like You got Your fill
Then You turned off
Maybe it was some **** movement

So

ya just end it?

You Used Me

For money
For access
For favors

i got nothing
few kisses?
and it dwindled

to nothing

should make another plan

anyone there?
don’t want to be
alone tonight
so I begin

a Dance with a stranger
as we Kiss in step
into a new sugar High
and you…

sweet as a Beast
in a river of Fire
let it Rain down
And let the Storm rage

So be It
Send me over
The Edge
And I’m Hung
Up and Overdue
For You

… let’s figure it out
and in, again

.      Where did your comfort light?
       Within your grass? *******


This is what happens when you have a long drive and some good lines come into your head. Then you do that voice to text thing because, hey you are driving!

But **** that voice to text **** can’t hear your words correctly because.... loud car. Then you are taking a sip of your tea but it spills and you get some cussing.

If they knew how truly sad I was

Would they still like me?

If they saw my darkness

Would they run away scared?

If they knew all my morbid thoughts

Would they think I’m crazy?

If they found out my twisted desires

Would they still want me?

If they saw my underbelly

Would they leave?

If they saw all my scars

Would they stay?

“Stupid *******”
my monologue goes
inside my head
thinking of woes

Don’t say a word!
try to remain
as solid as a tree stump
after it rains

Why do I see
the trails
the ways
There is the path
taken and trampled
It was obvious
markers left
debris strewn
crumbs cast about
I knew that destination
before I started
was wild for a time
Would I go that same way
if I had to do it over?
Do I risk my pride twofold?
patterns again
revealed
and I see
Again

and once again
the need
to hide in my corner
as once again
you brought out my heart
and we dallied about
yet you don’t care
for this possible dance
same as before
it’s straight to the point

and i’m a trustworthy soul
or so you have said
but not enough
to even have as a friend
the ship we could be
is still at the dock
could we untie the rope
and the knots we made
or just continue
same as before
once again

Everyday
There was that reminder
Of ****** ******* ****…

So take a ride
A Free Ride
With that Reset button
Saying “**** No”
to the *******
And “Hell Yes!”
To the other *******

You know the ones
The ones on that
Single Free Way
enable that Turbo Boost
Knight Rider
Slam onto the gear shift
to glide over the top
of all the ******* shitbirds

Oh! Sweet words
Entice me to come out
Sneak in my mind
Then start to Shout

was a little nudge
to welcome me back
thought I was Safe
from a whispered attack

And though it was felt
'Twas a Small time
Or just enough
For this one tiny rhyme

I think…
I don’t want to be …
I’ll be …
But that’s it
No more of the …
Cuz it feels so fake
I’m too confused
I’m …
but not …
We aren’t in a …
And I should enjoy …
They aren’t going to …. … ..
It’s just my …..

Well…
I’m learning …

****!

How do I do this now?

I’ve wanted to hide all day
Run away from emotion
I thought about his arms
How they hold me down
Or hold me up
Both are what I need
Surrounding me
Yet, they are for another
Only mine for a time
Then I thought of a laugh
Belonging to someone
Who was equal parts funny and sad
Made me want to bring him
To hide with me
So I could help him heal
Later I read something
Made me think of what if’s
How I was lucky
Though I didn’t think so
At the time
For revelations hold truth
And there was only empty
Behind the fancy wrapped words
Then I thought of all the ones
Who are mine but not
That gave glimpses
And then removed
I sigh at those thoughts
This is what I want to hide from
The emotion
The pain
The yearning
And the thoughts

My mind all day
Focused and clear
Then as I leave
I feel a slight jeer

It edges its way in
This splinter inside
Ruminating
It switches the tide

Then another thread adds
To the knotted mess
I am so very tired
And I feel I’m less

I played to the second
The beats as before
Why another time
My emotions are more

I sigh with desire
A night of soul rest
The words left me yearning
For some kind of best

I want to reveal
everything
but I am scared
scared of rejection
and you do reject me
many ******* times
disregarding me

if I was a thing
you would be on that!
all the time
I am an afterthought
and I hate it
I feel lame and unwanted
a bother
yet I keep reaching out
in this way and that
I am sure there are more
as I am a meanwhile

do you realize
or care
you are looking for
something that
you do not even know
what it is
it is not me
I accept that
it kills
every time
because
you are right
here

I must be boring
and too fat
and not pretty enough
whatever
I ******* up
somewhere
the failure and the holes
where are they
does it matter
we say goodbye
and it kills
and it will pass
they will not care
and I am an idiot
always an idiot
a failure
an ugly fat stupid woman
terrible

they are occupied
so are they and them
and so on
the others have theirs
it goes on and on
I do what now
I can not do anything

I tried to reveal a bit
to one other
they told me to stop
yet I let them carry on about theirs
do they not know
they are beautiful
charming and funny
one I could fall in love with
one I could share with
but they love a fantasy
and will not see anything else

these ones who say I am amazing
I am not amazing enough
I just am not
because
otherwise
it is always otherwise

but I learn
learn from the sting
you know that sting
HA! that ******* sting
it is right now
so I stop
and I leave
and I bury myself
again and again

too much Silence
Cages me in
absent Sound
is like a blaring horn
which obscures
that voice i want
in my h(ear)t
those wanton words
that Choose me
to let Go

Was grabbing for you
Some kind of words
But just for me
Not those silly rhymes
Wanted the currents
Those harmonies
The in between
Of you and I
Electric flows
Like a volley of triumph
Won’t you give
Gift me a little
“something I don’t already know”

Nobody knows
Nobody cares
Yet everyone stares
Until it’s too much to bear
And the weight of your sorrows
Crash into tomorrow

You are Living Life of
The Home Town Buffet
keeping me on this Tether
but so Far Away

do You know
what You Want/Need
I would give You
Everything and my Creed

just ask Me or Tell
what You Feel/Think
please give Me something
before I shrink

so, Pay Attention
or Reach Out
I’m Tired of The Chase
All I have is Doubt

or just let Me go
And Change/Cut those Threads
I am barely Hanging On
to things that You said

or is it Nonsense
do I need to move on
I am Hungry/Thirsty
would You notice Me Gone