I rearranged my mind yesterday
I moved people out
I changed a few locks
I put one in a room
And another in a closet
I opened up some space
To grow some flowers and trees
I asked for help
Hired new staff
My kitchen was a mess
I need a new chef
And though I was sad
Emotional and in pain
There was a sense of peace
That some right moves were made
The skies began to clear
I heard laughter in my halls
And though the bandit tried to sneak back in
He is but a flimsy flicker
Easily blown out
As I start another day

You snooze
You lose
Fest ~ of all
the bore ring
Around the Collar
Me A-muse-D.

It won’t ever be the same.
You have this planned all out,
in your mind.
But it won’t happen that way.
Because, I already decided.

You had some perfect timescale.
To fit your purposes…
**** that!
Do you know me at all?

Your pattern,
became an egocentric journey.
I don’t want to watch it anymore.

Trying to think
Or figure
Some niche
Of mine
Where I go
Or belong
Last words
Only linger
As whispered thoughts
Of yesterday
But tonight
One hopes
For more

Judgement
Curiosity
Filling plans
Making demands
Trying for more
Trolling around
Open up
Vulnerable
Hoping
Is this dreaming
Moving on
Come around
Touching fire
Reaching desire
Words devastate
Investigate
Build up
Then ignore
Second chance
First impression
Mistaken love
Crushing connection
Which way to run
Today is done

Chasing games
Caught or Found
if nothing once
try twice again
begging
Whining
Crying or sighing
jumping hoops
another loop
around the block
Wait
hurry up
and Wait
For numbing Crumbs
satiated For seconds
ignoring For days
ticking Clock
time bomb
Worth it
or not
decisions
incisions
Cut losses
and out
assumptions made
have you paid
your lesson learned

Like the tide
flow and Cycle
full and Inviting
yet shrinking to Escape
Leaving the flotsam
wondering If ...
will It Entice?
beckon a traveler
to outstretch a Hand
Lingering trails
onto the sands
Hearing a Lullaby
In the smashing surf
It seeks Attention
through It’s Harmony
Asking for the tie
a thread of Conjoining
the tide to the moon
to the shore
and the Land
Returning
the Ebb and flow

This pain
Is good
Helps you remember
That you are alive
Driving out the numb
Or those times
You feel you deserve
That pain
It is the only emotion
That is possible

In physicality
Simple sensation
Powerful
Make me feel
Overwhelm me
Until I am numb
Zoned into exhaustion
Turn off my mind
No complications
Unmake me
Whole again

Spills out
As I try to
Grab onto

strings, straws
threads

Maintain Balance
ShowNoFear

as

i slowly
disintegrate
inside

Do you?
Is it inevitable?
Question the question-maker
Ideas are flittering
or did you fumble that reach

Not.Even.About.You.
(i mean me)
‘Twas
one of these nights
Maybe that dream
Moved into the day

and once again
the need
to hide in my corner
as once again
you brought out my heart
and we dallied about
yet you don’t care
for this possible dance
same as before
it’s straight to the point

and i’m a trustworthy soul
or so you have said
but not enough
to even have as a friend
the ship we could be
is still at the dock
could we untie the rope
and the knots we made
or just continue
same as before
once again

When you already see
And know how it goes
**** a duck
And there she blows

Up and down
And all around
Look at them
Don’t make a sound

Another day
Same old ****
I shake my head
Again in the pit

Get the **** out
I say to myself
But I tripped inside
Go help yourself

*******
Is all I want to say
Here’s your two cents
And have a good day!

You speak to me
As a stranger now
Someone who you don’t know
A person you just met

And I see you differently
A foreign being
You ricochet off my circle
There is zero feeling
when I see your face
But your voice
It still makes me cringe
Hearing it puts me on alert

Recalling—
Condescension that you used
Words like blades in my back
Slicing into my soul

Remembering—
But your capacity to *******
is no longer there

Ironic laughter fills my mind
As I watch you drift by
Like another stranger
Wandering on the street

Why do I feel Wrong
For feeling so much
Why should I be
Ashamed

The intensity inside me
Overwhelms and leaks
I can’t always
Contain

The world doesn’t understand
Even as I feel them
Their emotion or
Emptiness

They pour themselves
Into me and
I withstand again and
Again

Would I feel empty
Without that tether
To the emotional
Atmosphere

It’s easy to slip
Go into darkness
Hide from the world as it
Rejects

I put up walls
Just to survive
Their onslaught of
Feelings

I carry on
I crave that passion
While I detest the
Nothingness

I keep trying to give up
But there is this innate thing
Inside me
That is persistently
Persevering

Call it “the survivor”
She is annoying
Stubborn
Nags at me

Tells me to
see the hope
And
find the gem
Or
give the chance

Seems this should be
Good, Great, Grand

But what if

Am I clinging to
Threads
and
False Hope
or
Futility

Do I
Return to the purge
Or
Finally flush it down

time will tell
but she ...
HA!
is the other stubborn ***** in my life

wait until the waiting stops
find your meaning
of words or curds
possible action/reaction
see the *******
then listen to your guts
not about this One
or even that
ask for the answer
is silence golden
just another excuse
perhaps all the meaning
is in between the noise

Empty
It’s what I feel
Lonely and stolen
Like I don’t belong
Trampling over breaths
I started to exist
But it wrenched out
To another trail
Another road
And I tried
To hope
Again

“Stupid *******”
my monologue goes
inside my head
thinking of woes

Don’t say a word!
try to remain
as solid as a tree stump
after it rains

simple as
salt
added for
flavor
but complex
sodium
or halite
growing to
cubes
in those boxes
connecting
to each other
compounding
small bonds
to larger
formations
give pillars
or a pinch
maybe dash
too much
destroy
too little
bland
just right
delight

Insecurity is covering me today
Vulnerable and lame
Hidden away for days of grandeur
Revealing words of failure
Taunting with moans left behind
Anxiety came as a unwanted guest
Pretending its residence
Taking pride in the destruction
Overriding it seems impossible
They show me all my desires
Laughable and unrealistic
Then it stokes the fire higher than before
Making me yearn exponentially
Grabbing for peace
Striving for acceptance
Yet thinking this ineptitude won’t end
Undeserving, unrequited, and unfulfilled
Elusive contentment has exhausted me
Weariness joins my covering
Maybe tomorrow I will rest

Served up
Like a *****
To her custom
Errrrrrrr
Which way
Up and sideways
Give me more
**** your *****
Is it your hand
A bore
A chore
Your *****
Not at all
A salty silver poison
Balance that
*******
Healing
Or peeling
Choose
Your Own
Adventure

I ...
Going from this haze
Not knowing who
I am
Racing myself into
Obvious mistakes
But I can’t
Move
Away

If they knew how truly sad I was

Would they still like me?

If they saw my darkness

Would they run away scared?

If they knew all my morbid thoughts

Would they think I’m crazy?

If they found out my twisted desires

Would they still want me?

If they saw my underbelly

Would they leave?

If they saw all my scars

Would they stay?

I’ve wanted to hide all day
Run away from emotion
I thought about his arms
How they hold me down
Or hold me up
Both are what I need
Surrounding me
Yet, they are for another
Only mine for a time
Then I thought of a laugh
Belonging to someone
Who was equal parts funny and sad
Made me want to bring him
To hide with me
So I could help him heal
Later I read something
Made me think of what if’s
How I was lucky
Though I didn’t think so
At the time
For revelations hold truth
And there was only empty
Behind the fancy wrapped words
Then I thought of all the ones
Who are mine but not
That gave glimpses
And then removed
I sigh at those thoughts
This is what I want to hide from
The emotion
The pain
The yearning
And the thoughts

Why do I see
the trails
the ways
There is the path
taken and trampled
It was obvious
markers left
debris strewn
crumbs cast about
I knew that destination
before I started
was wild for a time
Would I go that same way
if I had to do it over?
Do I risk my pride twofold?
patterns again
revealed
and I see
Again

.      Where did your comfort light?
       Within your grass? *******


This is what happens when you have a long drive and some good lines come into your head. Then you do that voice to text thing because, hey you are driving!

But **** that voice to text **** can’t hear your words correctly because.... loud car. Then you are taking a sip of your tea but it spills and you get some cussing.

My mind all day
Focused and clear
Then as I leave
I feel a slight jeer

It edges its way in
This splinter inside
Ruminating
It switches the tide

Then another thread adds
To the knotted mess
I am so very tired
And I feel I’m less

I played to the second
The beats as before
Why another time
My emotions are more

I sigh with desire
A night of soul rest
The words left me yearning
For some kind of best

Oh! Sweet words
Entice me to come out
Sneak in my mind
Then start to Shout

was a little nudge
to welcome me back
thought I was Safe
from a whispered attack

And though it was felt
'Twas a Small time
Or just enough
For this one tiny rhyme

I want to reveal
everything
but I am scared
scared of rejection
and you do reject me
many ******* times
disregarding me

if I was a thing
you would be on that!
all the time
I am an afterthought
and I hate it
I feel lame and unwanted
a bother
yet I keep reaching out
in this way and that
I am sure there are more
as I am a meanwhile

do you realize
or care
you are looking for
something that
you do not even know
what it is
it is not me
I accept that
it kills
every time
because
you are right
here

I must be boring
and too fat
and not pretty enough
whatever
I ******* up
somewhere
the failure and the holes
where are they
does it matter
we say goodbye
and it kills
and it will pass
they will not care
and I am an idiot
always an idiot
a failure
an ugly fat stupid woman
terrible

they are occupied
so are they and them
and so on
the others have theirs
it goes on and on
I do what now
I can not do anything

I tried to reveal a bit
to one other
they told me to stop
yet I let them carry on about theirs
do they not know
they are beautiful
charming and funny
one I could fall in love with
one I could share with
but they love a fantasy
and will not see anything else

these ones who say I am amazing
I am not amazing enough
I just am not
because
otherwise
it is always otherwise

but I learn
learn from the sting
you know that sting
HA! that ******* sting
it is right now
so I stop
and I leave
and I bury myself
again and again

too much Silence
Cages me in
absent Sound
is like a blaring horn
which obscures
that voice i want
in my h(ear)t
those wanton words
that Choose me
to let Go

Was grabbing for you
Some kind of words
But just for me
Not those silly rhymes
Wanted the currents
Those harmonies
The in between
Of you and I
Electric flows
Like a volley of triumph
Won’t you give
Gift me a little
“something I don’t already know”

You are Living Life of
The Home Town Buffet
keeping me on this Tether
but so Far Away

do You know
what You Want/Need
I would give You
Everything and my Creed

just ask Me or Tell
what You Feel/Think
please give Me something
before I shrink

so, Pay Attention
or Reach Out
I’m Tired of The Chase
All I have is Doubt

or just let Me go
And Change/Cut those Threads
I am barely Hanging On
to things that You said

or is it Nonsense
do I need to move on
I am Hungry/Thirsty
would You notice Me Gone