am I dumb?

because I over do it
analyze and overthink
why can’t I ride the wave
emotion overwhelms me
get scared
self sabotage
as I think

THIS

can’t be real
don’t deserve it

AND   he

ruined you
made you think you were
disgusting
and trash
and ugly
and terribly dark

Not a Dark Dream

but a cowish nightmare

I’m crashing
And yet
I keep trying to be this
Thing
A positive receptacle
Though
I find myself
Depleted
Of the
Moxie that is
Me

I want to be seen
while I hide in a cave
To have some Drama
as I dig my grave

Exposed
in my own shadows
As I Dream
in forgotten gallows

No other stoppages
breaking free
I want an Experience
that’s not about me

A forced
Change of perspective
Is like
A shot of adrenaline
Stabbing right through
Your eyeball
Straight to
That cerebral cortex
Which makes you
Stand Up
and say,
“What in the ever loving ****
… was I doing?”

You probably have no clue
How much you hurt me
And besides
Would you even care
If you knew

Like when we were together
You did not
So now I have a deep cavern
And time fades
Memories become surreal

Edges smooth down
Remembering that
‘It wasn’t so bad’
The good times win out
Because your arms felt good

Forgetting your cruelty
The carving of my soul
Losing who I was
Becoming a droid
of your making

As I wake up
Those events were a dream
Right?
They fade into my ether
When I think of your warm body

Is that what I miss?
Just your sinew and skin
The smell of your presence
Because your actions
Did not feel good

And your inaction—
That felt lonely
Or your lack of
communication
Felt like a windowless room

I will cling to those memories
To recall your disgust
They make me stronger
In my resolve
Becoming myself again

And again

What are you thinking?
Nobody really wants you
It’s a quick **** or pic ****
Great ****… maybe ***
Look look lookie loo
And then…
Why would they really want a

Tired, single mom
Who is plain and overweight
Someone who is too much
And lacking at the same time

They will be your friend
You make a great friend
Loyal and honest—wait
Too honest
Pull back

You make a great
acquaintance sidekick/wing person

They will pass the time with you
and you will somehow get them laid
by that hot skinnier one over on the yonder