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Janna B Mar 2023
For when I forget
and get drawn into pity,
unnecessary accountability.
He’s narcissistic,
he will take and take
and never be healed.
Don’t forget.

At heart,
it suits him this way.
If he’s not better, then
all attention is on him.
I did enough
I did so much.
Don’t forget.

These trauma responses
that are still arising,
this hyper vigilant stress
at home
when the kids get excited
(don’t get too noisy!)
are the scars.
It was abusive.
No guilt, no more.

Don’t forget.
Janna B Feb 2023
Tell me your dreams,
float them up high.
I’ll help to propel you
up into that sky.
Janna B Feb 2023
choices for my time.
choices with my thoughts.
goals for my life.
Let’s herd those
stray, scattergun thoughts
on purpose.
Janna B Feb 2023
When the abuse doesn’t look like it
then it can’t be recognised
and it parades around
in broad daylight,
in pyjamas with spots instead of stripes,
but no-one is alarmed.
When the abuse doesn’t look like it
the victim goes under
piece by piece
but it is quiet, and she feels so much empathy
and she doesn’t recognise
that she’s taken over.

When those spots look like illness
the abuse is asking for pity
and all of her effort and soul,
with nothing in return
because it doesn’t feel well.
Before she knows it,
she’s adjusted herself,
to manage behaviour, anger and the ‘illness’.

When the abuse doesn’t look like it,
it can be quiet, insidious control and
a gradual, unrecognised ceding of power.
Better not rock the boat,
there’ll be a wall of silence to dance around
for days.
It feels like responsibility, entrapment
but in just having those feelings
she feels so disloyal.

When the abuse is gone
then it takes a long time
to wake up from the stupor
and look with fresh eyes.
To change behaviours,
expect more from the new.

That was a quiet,
Just some reflections, I’ve been coming a long way and this is so therapeutic. Not bitter, just can’t believe I was in that and I didn’t even realise. Thanks for reading.
Janna B Aug 2022
Play with forgiveness
Consider it indeed.
Allow it, enable it
and, dear self,
be freed.
Janna B Aug 2022
You’re emotion-deep,
and another rock
has smashed your way.
You were unfurling
those tendrils of hope
and now—
back in the trenches,
those hospital, chemical,
procedural, trenches.
Back to that holding pattern
when you want to grab life
and shake it,
and adventure it
and laugh with it.
May we be your
uplift, your cloud, your support.
Magnifying your strength,
scaffolding where needed,
helping you lift
to the sunshine, to your future.
#friends #illness
Janna B Jul 2022
Not settled near you lately
Mild humming anxiety
Discomfort inside of me,
fearful of your gravity.
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