a lot of times
i feel i need to prove myself
constantly trying to
improve myself
and lose myself
in pursuing
maybe i need
more focus on my health

i can do it

friends, family, strangers
can insult and badger me
and it doesn't do all that much
maybe a little red in the face
but i address it
i don't know what it is about you
but i can't stand it
to stand up to you
but now
treatment demands it
and you will do what you do
although i obsess over you
and love you
and the loss feels only as my own
i know you're losing too

i'm upset
because of x
no
actually
you always get angry at y
anyways
i'm upset

loved you
for over half a decade
i've never gotten what i've wanted
who i've wanted
and you think i'm upset
because of some boyish *******
of impatience

when you
don't get what you want
you get kind of mean,
you think being mean
is the best thing
to do
if I upset you
and that's been a thing
throughout the entirety
of me
knowing you

you are ready to detach
at any moment's notice
and show
no care
to it
even though
it hurts
you say all these things
but they're just words
where's your actions
but it's all on me right

my episodes don't matter
my feelings on the matter
whether they differ
they're wrong
and i'm
the sadder one

the nihilist says
she prolonged the inevitable
the pessimist says
just do it
and the optimist
is happy
for all you did

and opened up
so many wounds
why talk anymore
say anymore
wrestling breath from this body
and puking forth
vile thoughts
cause i have episodes too
cause my life is stressful too
not that you would know