I've parchment skin
blue veins within
my brain goes wild
a mad sugar child
I see my life over
four leaf clover
deliver me to her
an old bed lover.

We live our comfortable fictions,
    litany of lies and small ambitions,
    all the while terrible truths
    hounds of hell horrible proofs
    snapping at our heels again
    feeding on the doubt within
    are we simply atheists
    afraid to raise our fists
    fearing some pearly gates
    God has final say our fates?

My wife favors sweatpants and sweaters
  like a nun. Under her armor she hides
  Victoria's secret and pierces my heart
  and slays my dragon with her thong.

My girl favors sweatpants and sweaters
  like a nun. Under her armor she hides
  Victoria's secret and pierces my heart
  and slays my dragon with her thong.

At the edge of consequence
razor wire upon the fence
captured in our human cage
heartbeats full of rage
society inside will adjust
to fragile realms of trust
Attica was hearts of stone
Musketeers none left alone.
We swelled in riot as one
overpowered guards and won
a right to be heard on TV
passion play on bent knee.
Some died on both sides
the end was just abides.

The mad dog foams and hates down
  dusty streets in Maycomb and we
  need Atticus to put the bullet in
  its skull so it once again can see.

I melt into promises like molten lead
   cooling into bullets aimed at my heart.
   I never make them lightly or ever mean
   to keep them forever they never start.

   I'm at war with me. I'll be victor and I'll
   be defeated and I'll bleed all over brave
   while I die in a trench of my own intention.
   Bury me where I fall in an unmarked grave.

He wrote poetry. Funeral Blues.
  Stop the clocks. End the world.
  My lover died.
  I'm the sun you are the rest of it.
  Spin around my life in my gravity
  with masks of despair for my grief.

Hide the razor blades and rope.
   Put pills away in a hidey hole.
   Make sure all poisons are gone.
   Aunt Alice is coming for a visit.

   She tells such stories of rabbit
   holes and Cheshire Cats and Queens
   demanding "Off with their heads"!
   Mother used to read to her years ago.

   We children love her visits, so full
   of fantasies to excite our imaginations.
   The adults seem oddly quiet and whisper
   that Alice lately seems mad as a hatter.

Hide the razor blades and rope.
   Put pills away in hidey holes.
   Make sure all poisons are gone.
   Aunt Alice is coming for a visit.

   She tells such stories of rabbit
   holes and Cheshire Cats and Queens
   with armed guards of playing cards.
   Mother used to read to her years ago.

   We children love her visits, so full
   of fantasies to excite our imaginations.
   The adults seem oddly quiet and whisper
   that Alice lately seems mad as a hatter.

She lived in a big house with her sister.
  They'd been there all their lives in Glendale,
  Ohio.  She was a dear woman who thought of us
  as her own children.  They were spinster Aunts.

  She spoiled me. She had a wicked sense of humor.
  She seemed to understand men's weakness for lust.
  She always welcomed me, even with my ***** wife.
  My kids went to an orphanage. I went to a nuthouse.

  My shadow demands the thrill of fangs and claws.
  My beast going wild after a lifetime on the leash.
  I betray all my dear loves for carnal pleasures.
  I starve for youth's smell and taste and innocence.

Elder aunt adored
lazy Summer bored
reading Hardy Boys
stroke mystery toys.
Sleep in tent on her lawn
chickens wake at dawn.
Spoils us with ice cream
old man's boyhood dream.

I miss Aunt Elizabeth and
Aunt Blanche with the chickens
and Aunt Blanche with Mike
and the mansion in Glendale
with books changed my life
and piano I made noises
that stole my heart again
life running out of sand.

8 years old

Climb trees and break bones.
Swim in creeks and get bit.
Kiss Susan Tucker in the dark
go home with her on my lips.
Smoke gramp's spent butts
from his Buick's ashtray.
Drink his beer bottle dregs.
Frenchman's Holy Communion.
Lust for Jimmy Kuhn's dad's *****
card deck with naked ladies. I stole
the Queen of Hearts and fell in love
the rest of my life. She ruined me.
I loved girls on a pinball machine.
I always tilt the table on purpose.

          20 years old

I'm riding the edge of my mind
2 kids and a fat wife I deserted
before I fell in love with all
the other disappointed lovers
in a distant land called Boston
punched holes in innocent walls
alchemist making my anger love
thunder always roaring above.

Empathetic. Tear stains.
  Heart afire and broken.
  Youth. Broke vows. Broke
  family. Round the drain.
  Angel saved me. Broke her
  heart. Angels saved me.
  Broke their hearts. Devil
  saved me. Broke her heart.
  Queen Jayne saved me as
  stars in our dark night
  alone together we do it
  til we create new light.

The moon stays
through lazy days
of Autumn's ways
red leaves praised
this old man crazed
finally I'm amazed.

We see Gatsby's party lights.
     Brilliant morning sun ignites
     the colorful bouquet of leaves
     inside the fragrant ocean breeze.
     I walk my dog that I call Rusty
     to *** and **** in sand and sea.

Foothills of the Rockies
  Aspen's spread gold leaves,
  grey branches in the trees
  shake in the Autumn breeze.

The moon stays
through lazy days
of Autumn's ways
red leaves praised
this old man crazed
I'm finally amazed.

Silver and gold
my hands grow cold
as I take it and hold
like life until it's sold
as profit for my soul
dumped into a hole.

It plays out on a stage by the sea.
  Violence, money, *** and drugs
  paint the scene blood red tasting of
  copper and naked angels dying again.
  I'm left with your artifacts as proof
  you loved me when I was still pure.

It plays out on a stage by the sea.
  Violence, money, *** and drugs
  paint the scene blood red smelling
  of copper and naked angels die again.
  I'm left with your artifacts as proof
  you loved me when I was still pure.

Birds cawing. Rats gnawing. Cats clawing. War.
  Bells ringing. Choirs singing. Dead bringing. Dead.
  ****** faking. Thief's taking. Mischief making. Leave.
  Alice small. Alice tall. Red Queens fall. Afterlife.
  Ambien is my only savior to take me away from 3 am.
  Mind stops exploding and I fall into darkness again.

When I was a boy of endless summer
  I knew nothing of death's finish line
  or life's bills due by dates or hunger
  no heat pet fish die in frozen water
  I witnessed strays being slaughtered
  I saw the end of summer and youth.

The waves blood clots deliver
  whatever narrative he desires
  2020 Covid brick stacked on brick
  build this awful factory of lies.

  Row deep for truth below our feet
  beyond safe buoys mermaids sing
  wind can tear you from your seat
  your arms remain awful rowing.

The summer of love broke vows and
choked promises from our throats.
I grew my hair and quit robot jobs.
I wore carpenter jeans and earth shoes.
I ****** and called it love and loved
and called it *******. I always leave.

A thousand strings of a thousand gods
  orchestrate our lives. We think we are
  in control. Baby boomers, spoiled brats.
  We missed our hardships to make us pure.

  Our parents did the suffering. They were
  damaged from brutal truths they bled
  bent on keeping us safe from the flames
  that licked and kicked the living to dead.

  We live as puppets of circumstance and hope.
  We seek answers where none exists. We'll die
  like those before us. Hating life and death
  not for the actors but for the play's lie.

A thousand strings of a thousand gods
  orchestrate our lives. We think we're
  in control. Baby boomers, spoiled brats.
  We missed our hardships to make us iron.

  Our parents did the suffering. They were
  damaged from the brutal truths but hell
  bent on keeping us safe from the flames
  that licked and kicked the living to dead.

  We live as puppets of circumstance and hope.
  We seek answers where none exists. We'll die
  like those before us. Hating life and death
  not for the actors but for the play itself.

Train rolls on down the line
takes me miles back in time
when life was an easy living
of just us taking and giving.
Now much more is at stake
MacArthur Park ruined cake
left out in the rain all night
spurned lover denies delight.
Slits wrists dies in bathtub.
Death's feather is final rub.

All boozed up on Chardonnay,
   swapping virginity lost stories
   drinking from ***** straws and
   holding ****** as scepters while
   ropes of ***** crown our heads.
   We puke and cry and wear our
   hideous bridesmaid's dresses at
   the wedding and catch the bouquet
   and send the married couple off to
   a honeymoon in the ****** Islands.

Tiny dress and **** me shoes
       bring me back from the dead.
       I was sleeping in a graveyard
       inside the cavern of my head.
       You made my heart beat again.
       It throbs wild like a beast
       hungry for the promised sin
       starving for a siren's feast.

Our sacred backstair lust
diamond turns to dust.

I climb trees drunk with beer cans in
   pockets to spy on objects of my affection.
   I drive at midnight for 8 hours just to
   spit venom at a party girl I yearned for.
   I threaten hospital staff if they don't
   give me ****** and they call my therapist.
   I punch holes through bathroom doors naked
at parties and say Hi to the waiting horde.
   I burn my family to the ground and scurry
   like vermin to green pastures to new beginnings.

Betsy  
We'd sacrifice our souls for the night we first
   had ourselves with ourselves for ourselves
on the backstairs when we ignited our
forest fire still smoldering 50 years later.

The party was on fire the
  music was beating our hearts
  and we were courting on the
  the back stairs alone together
  and we held tight and soared
  into an impossible place and
  rode the beautiful beast as long
  as we could buried in my lies
  a grave stone in our eyes,
funeral choir played Our Song.

I remember your touch and I hunger
like the night we became us on the
back stairs as the party faded away
into white noise and my heart beat
into yours and I knew my world just
fell to pieces and broken promises
and broken children were here.
I relive it one second at a time.
I still look for you everywhere
to find our back stairs again.

The party was on fire the
  music was beating our hearts
  and we were courting on the
  the back stairs alone together
  and we held tight and soared
  into an impossible place and
  rode the beautiful beast as long
  as we could and were thrown into
  the grave of my stinking debris.
  It burned my fingers and I drifted
  with my beer and shrinks and
  beautiful naked imposters to
  remind me of your perfection.

I remember your touch I hunger for
like the night we became us on the
back stairs as the party faded away
into white noise and my heart beat
into yours and I knew my world just
fell to pieces and broken promises
and broken children were coming.
I relive it one second at a time.
I still look for you everywhere
trying to find the back stairs.

I loved you so much back then.
My love has a 6 month sell by.
It begins to smell like garbage
attracting such lovely flies.
Dear diary should let it go
but you and I both know
it will linger for years
with never ending tears.

A small piece of me
  that still feels free
  my wild weeds thrive
  feeling mighty alive
  long hair like grass
  dog **** gets a pass
  watch where you ***
  minefield of debris.

I fell through skies of forever
then I landed in fields of never
clocks gave back the stolen time
I'm quick and strong in my prime
desperate I search for a rhyme
to match my unscrupulous crime
pink elephant in edge of my eye
in a tragic wreck helps me die.

Is there any other kind
young without any clues?
I'm a Helen Keller blind
off key singing the blues.
Fire's desire demands touch
forbidden by all I've heard.
West Side Story is too much.
I Love You forever my word.

Everybody dies. How doesn't matter.
    Life's a bad movie with a sad ending.
The living still send bills, call you up.
    Emails not returned to those sending.

The inks wet in the memory book.
Sooner than later you're forgotten.
Cremains in a dusty urn on a mantle. 
Funeral flowers turn black and rotten.

I'll carry your parts of your life
in a U Haul you need to be you.
They're bits of me I'll miss. I love
that you'll have them forever.

A minute ago I walked for miles with
her in the stroller. She let me rest
at all the playgrounds with swings.
Snow falling on her face was the best.
I read her to sleep at bed time
and answered endless questions why
did the prince always kiss her awake
from endless sleep and she didn't die?
I told her I wouldn't always be here.
The white horses and ice palace melt.
You have to love yourself as much as
I do. Stand strong feel how I felt.
I died and she lives in the Smoky
mountains with a Prince's love
and I watch out for her as always
my ghost always hovering above

She disappeared in a wisp of smoke
in the Carolina mountains with her
destiny and her love. She is them now.
They live in this old heart as one.

Your breath rattles in a fragile chest
the heart feebly clanks to push blood
when there's a bit in the aorta. You're a
young man in an ancient failing body by
an unknown disease. You lean on a cane
slumped in a chair waiting for a miracle
that won't come for you. You're a skeleton.
We fear you. We fear death and ignorance.

Your breath rattles in a fragile chest
the heart feebly clanks to push blood
when there's a bit in the aorta. You're a
young man in an ancient failing body by
an unknown disease. You lean on a cane
slumped in a chair waiting for a miracle
that won't come for you. You're a skeleton.
We fear death. We fear you. I fear ignorance.

I pull the shade down and turn a blind eye
       to the city's darkness. No one even cares.
       It's hard to live in Baltimore anymore.
       We can't buy our way out. We do best we can.
       City's dying after all. Blood's everywhere
       and death's smell corrupts every surface.
       Fools party in the harbor and pay a price
       whitey never understands. Anger seethes
       in ghettos like a garden party in Riverside
       they curse the help for warm Champagne.

I pull the shade down and turn a blind eye
       to the city's darkness. No one even cares.
       It's hard to live in Baltimore anymore.
       We can't buy our way out. We do best we can.
       City's dying after all. Blood's everywhere
       and death's smell corrupts every street.
       Fools party in the harbor and pay a price
       whitey never understands. Anger seethes
       in ghettos like a garden party in Riverside
       where they curse the help for warm Champagne.

We siblings gathered for a last minute
  living on borrowed time. The eight originals
  in various stages of health in a grand hotel.
  In the harbor of Baltimore where seagulls
  keep looking for the ocean and the affluent
  fear the poor. We don't carry cash anymore.
  Patty. Jeanie. BJ. Kevin. Eileen. Terry.
  Bridget. Noreen. I write this as a love letter
  to my siblings as our sun's going down and
  we pass the living on to the next generation.
  We share war stories and our afflictions.
  We laugh at our past and wonder at tomorrows.
  We set aside our spats and hold dear our love.