I could never find you
in the vastness of living.
We never shared a beer
never found a wedding.
You bent chords like I
bent my tiny day to day
shuffling decks forever
without a card to play.

I'm 68
   lessons learn
   accepted fate
   bridges burn
   no more hate
   worms do turn
   not too late
   for you I yearn

I'll make my own God of split atoms.
The sun stares at Him and goes blind
leaving the world in total darkness.
It ends not with a whimper or a bang.
I still have a big bag of marbles.
I found one that looks like Earth.
I confessed my sin to my Priest.
10 Hail Mary's fix everything.

I didn't turn into a pumpkin.
I have both of my shoes.
Now I take a sleeping pill
and dream my dead alive.

I look the same day to day like the
dogs and cat and cereal and toast.
I wake a stranger every day afraid
of different outcomes with unknown
villains plotting my demise. You are
the only constant in this universe.
You are my sword and armor and
resolve. You are my Bedlam with
restraints and pills and cruel men
with straitjackets for my comfort.
Strength is deep inside us all.
It's my ever present Hallelujah.

I was born
torn forlorn
alone storm
sorrow ****.
I broke rules
made by fools
for useful tools
and Govt. mules.

I watch the wall clock
seconds tick then tock
stranger blows my ****
I come on my left sock
and ask what's your name
she says I'm all the same.

I bring you pain and hope
let you hang noose rope.
Bible predicts your world
future's truth flag unfurled.

I'm launched into life
from silence into noise
no choices just chance
don't tilt against boys.

I love you in fierce ways for a night or two
  then sober up and break my own heart again.
  We meet in a park and feed the ducks and go to
  your room and fall in love for an afternoon and
  **** ourselves in pleasure and pain and kiss bye.
  You haunt my dreams then die on Thursday.

I love you in fierce ways for a night or two
  then sober up and break my own heart again.
  We meet in a park and feed the ducks, back in
  your room we fall in love for an afternoon
  **** ourselves in pleasure and pain but stay.
  You haunt my dreams then die on Thursday.

You call, leave a message
"call me back when you can".
I check my schedule see
appointment for my scan.
Films like a Xmas tree
tumors invade me again.
Call me. I'm afraid to die.
My phone is dead as am I.

I'm drunk asleep
in this JFK casket
looking for a job
in an empty basket.

USA gave it away
take it all back
destroy us **** us.
Kids die in flak.

I shouldn't be allowed to
operate a keyboard really.
I should have to type
qwerty or walk a line.
I did say I'm drunk so
maybe I'll die in my sleep
or suffer cruel sunlight in
morning after last night.

I said I do and she put my *****
in a vise and we had a daughter.
I felt the closing in of walls
and waited for the slaughter.
I feel like a blow up *** doll
Bill waiting down the hall.

Polio or stroke or death?
Macabre Picasso thought?
Pocket watch ticks breath
was I only sold and bought?

I think I've had my fill. I'm 71.
My hands shake and I can barely
hold the needle to hit the vein to
calm me for another day to act
like living matters anymore.
I look for death's  final sting.

I put the melted ice in my cup
and pour one for the road again.
This is my final last call. I'll drive
home one eyed to keep the road
from ******* with me. I stay in
lines and park crooked. I'm home.
I thought by now I'd figured it out.
I'm older than my grandpa was
when he took pessimism to a grave.
I'll drive until I see the green moon.

I finally accept I'm insane
nothing will be the same
I no longer have a name
nobody is to blame
USA consumed in flame
burn my number I remain.

I think the world's become a
cartoon we're expected to believe.
We'll drink and smoke and swallow
pills and clench fists to shoot hope
into our veins. Nothing is forever.
We die in mourning. Always noon.

I have reached an age
without another page
pay an obscene wage
shouting more rage
on my silent stage
death's final gauge.

I missed me when I had to go away.
  They said it was for my own good.
  I sort of existed in a Lithium fog.
  I was gone from me except in dreams.

I dreamed of the sun born from hell.
I dreamed of angels called sisters.
I saw a cruel king with eyes of hate
who threatened me with his love.

  Now I'm kind of back. They kept pieces
  of my brain, the pieces that made me
  cut myself in a tub of tepid water to
  bleed out this life of threatened love.

My life is smoke from years ago I
can't remember with clarity.
The feelings are sharp as razors.
I miss everyone and everything.
******* my lap was fire in my ****.
I'm still in love with that poker card
with my first time you know what.
I miss time past. I'll miss time wasted.

Everyone I've laughed with
and parted ways awhile
I laugh at every memory
I miss you with a smile.

Each and everyone I knew
I'm blistered in my grave
cold earth warms my blue
lie dead wait to be saved.

I'll weave words
into a quilt of who
and not forget what
time demands when
point the map where
***** explains why.

I'm lonely tonight in a house full
   of laughter and bars full of friends
   and work and church and funerals and
   birthday parties. I feel nothing now.
   We do our weekly ritual of *** and I
   think of the waitress at lunch today.
   Hate me if you will. I never feel it.
   Nothing ever happens any more.

Pretend boy made of wood.
Call me whatever you would.
I love you with splintered heart.
Burn me down from our start.

Friends ask how are you?
I say I'm doing fine. OK.
I smile and walk along
to my dealer for blow
or **** or ecstasy
or crack to blow my
mind inside my mind
feeling dead above life.

forever love

I'm not gay
in prison

I'll respect you
in the morning

Voices whisper
Jesus in my mind

I'm God by default

I'm forever 21
and a size 0

Nothing makes
your *** look big

I don't *******

I'm an imposter
pretender of me
cannot get closer
but I want to be.
I can't fix it now
just set me free
I don't know how
In dark I can't see.

I'm trying to look sober. I'm drunk.
I know she knows it and I'm drunk
enough not to really care. I'll still
pretend as will she. Punch and Judy?

Everyone needs saved.
I have tiny purity to give.
My world finally caved.
Nobody here left to live.
Reptiles and roaches
carry on life at last
Cinderella's coaches
to mankind's past.

Love is nothing but a memoir
broke hearts are just keepsakes
remember to fall in love no more
'til you find your perfect soulmates

I came of age on a cusp, staid or hippie.
I stood with a foot on each side as my
whole world cracked in 2 and I with it;
Down a rabbit hole, into a looking glass.
The world was at odds. Beer or ****? Acid?
Martini lunch? Suit or bell bottoms? Free
love? Married with kids? Free spirit?
Obligations? The hall of mirrors.
Head shrink. Find me in shattered glass.
Discover myself. Survive the in between.

Try again or slit your throat
the easy way out all she wrote.
Round here we just shake hands
enough to make promises stand.

I'm not a communist.
  I'm not a socialist.
  I'm not a sadist or a
  satanist. I'm not an
  anarchist. I'm not a
  bonafide capitalist.
  I'll steal food to eat.
  I'll lie to get a beer.
  I'll love you for a bed.
  I am an individualist.

Please don't slam the door in anger.
   Don't go punching holes into our wall.
   Tame your madness or stay with her
   and don't bother to come home at all.

   You talk for hours to useless shrinks
   who, Freud like, say it's all your mom.
   We just need the child support to eat.
   I need your warmth and beauty and calm.

I need you more
  than want you.
  You're ******
  a lovely shrew
  demanding flesh
  you say is due.
  A cuckoo nest
  I need rescue.

It waits around a corner.
She haunts your dreams.
Under your bed fluid beast
bleeds through your seams.
You wake in the sunlight.
Wonder at the blood
God's intervention
takes hold of the flood.

I'm born then die.
Life worth a try.
I disappoint and cry
I laugh and I fly
to a northern star
not really very far
it's my favorite bar
we **** in your car
on a carousel I spin
a lucky wheel of sin
cancer grows within
I lose myself thin
I leave a dark stain
always death's pain
funeral in the rain
infinity once again.

A drunk old man's explanation
  of the beginning of creation
  a thought became a universe
  beating with a single pulse
  we made a God who created us
  to help us explain this mess
  we made heaven and hell
  and sins to count as well
  we all transition to death
  rage against a final breath.

I love every little thing in my cups.
I breathe Swansea's air from the sea
where Dylan Thomas wrote drunk.
Genius happens in late nights when
you've tamed the doubts with wine.
Naked Caitlin beckons from shore.

She went to a school dance
against his wishes that night
for Stoney her brand new love.
They made out making promises
that were never meant to be.
Wehrung beat Rebholz to death with a
fence post because she wanted to
break up, didn't love him anymore.
He smelled her perfume and
pictured her naked in his arms.
Her body was found in a vacant lot
near his home broken alone.

Rebholz went to a school dance
against Wehrung's wishes that night
she wanted to end their relationship.
She sat in a car with her new lover
making promises that would never be.
Wehrung beat Rebholz to death with a
fence post because she wanted to
end their relationship.
He smelled her perfume
and pictured her naked in his arms.
Her body was found in a vacant lot
near Wehrung's home.

I yelled at my fingers and they
refused to move. I knew they
understood my broken mind.
I muttered aloud in public like
a spittle screaming madman.
I beg strangers for kindness
who look away pretending I
don't exist. I begin to think I don't.
I beg my fingers to talk to me but
they're silent and I'm insane..

Flotsam and jetsam trapped
in errant brain cells electric
hits on every nerve tapped
face twitch gnarl hand sick.
Cells break up and divorce
cheat alone and together
by love or brute force
insane light as a feather.

When I saw you in the bar
I knew your every secret
and desire and we were one
and we've been 50 years.

Notable characters I've known
touched raw nerves I exposed
vulnerable like being alone
forever in a Polaroid posed.

Alarms beep and buzz and click.
   Morphine. Blood Pressure. Heartbeat.
   We chant prayers and despairs.
   Sirens scream outside and choirs
   of saviors sing orders to ICU.
   A quiet hymn calls time of death.