Does he think of me?
When we are apart, does he wants all of me or dread coming home.
The smile is probably a mask to hide his pain.
He says he wants me,
His eyes tell a different story.
The Look says he is thinking of a way to leave.
Does he think of me or the boy he wishes I could be?
Please tell me how you really feel.
I can't be someone who wants to be anywhere else but home.

If my life was a fairy tale she would still be in my arms.
If I truly loved her,
I would be happy that she found happiness after all the pain.
If there was more time I would try again.
I’m stuck in a nightmare,
Seeing her fall for the man I should of been

I never thought someone could make me feel this loved until I met her.
She hugged me and told me to hold on,
That life is only starting. To fight a little longer.
She stayed with me during my darkness, taught me how to love again.

If she meant nothing, then why are you with her right now?
Were all the words told from your mouth just lies engraved in a loop to every girl you ever loved?
I thought you meant it until the truth started sneaking out slowly after a glass or two.
If she meant nothing, then why did you choose her over me?
Were all the memories made up in my head in the end?
I’m trying hard not to be mad because, in the end, you played me better than anyone ever will.

I wish I wasn’t born trans,
Then maybe I would love my bare body instead of putting my hands over the chest that didn’t ask to be there.
Wishing the hands would turn my chest into the flat board that I desire.
Hoping one day this will be in my deepest of memories,
Maybe In that other life I would have wanted to share my body with my eyes open.
When i say I wish I wasn’t trans,
I mean I wish I didn’t smile more when thinking of getting parts of myself removed.
I mean I wish I got the easy way
I mean I wish
I wish I loved myself how everyone else loved me growing up.

There is a girl who hides in the shadow, trying not to be heard
A boy is standing tall, but no one wants him.
Every day everyone says hi to the hidden girl but nothing to the strong boy.
They all call out hey Sophia but ever hi josh.
The world will only see what they want to believe is right.
The dying boy is standing firm with a smile.
While the hidden girls is just Trying to leave.
He is a trans man, but to the world, he is still A lonely girl.

I look back to see her standing there. She was all alone, but her smile said something else.
I waited to make sure everything was ok, and Then it hit me.
The lost girl was hidden behind too many secrets,
She just wanted to be saved but had no one notice.
Finally, she left, but without a smile.
Instead, she wears a warning sign that says, don’t get attached; I won’t be here long.
I looked in the dark window to found out the lost girl took my thoughts.
Now I stand here with someone else smile.

I look up at the stars couting the days until we meet again.
Wondering if all the late night messages will be worth it in the end.
Hoping one day you tell me that you love me.
I walk back home with no one next to me wishing I could wake up and you would be there next to me.
Then I look up one more time at the shinning stars wondering if you miss me this way or if you just forgot about me.

I smile.
Does he notice how nervous I am?
My voice is shaking,
I’m starting to sweat.
He looks back at me and waves.
I start to blush,
I hope this isn't the end.

My person is out there,
Dreaming of the day we meet.
Hoping it will be a night to remember until the next one.
I wish I could tell them I'm ready, but no hurry, take your time, my love.
I will meet everyone to get to you.
We won't know who the other is until the first hello.
The first stare into each other's eyes.
The first day of the rest of our lives, we will spend daydreaming of the other.
I will smile every day just hearing their name.
Today is the first of many tries.

He never loved anyone like his first love.
Plays girls not to be broken again,
Which means hurting everyone to save himself.
Tells girls he likes them then Throws it all away after a hook up.
He see's nothing wrong with what he's doing not understand how many girls hearts are hurting each night.
His smile hides the truth,
The tears that happen the next day revalue what was missing.
Here comes the new girl that won't know what's coming her way

The one who will be there at midnight,
To watch over your shoulder.
The one who sings when the day gets dark,
Laughs until there is nothing to be sad about.
Listens for hours no matter what is going on.
Stays through the storms,
Brings an umbrella when it starts to pour.

I’m sorry you let me in
Now I’m a broken puzzle
All the pieces are broken.
Things won’t change,
Tape won’t cover the missing parts.
I thought you loved me.
I was just an object in your life.
I kept trying to make it work,
I just got a fire thrown at me.
If this love,
I don’t want to love anymore.

Dear ADHD/depression
Why did you pick me?
Maybe it was to teach me life wasn’t meant to be easy.
I want to say thank you.
Thank you for having me fight- having me show that I want to be alive.
I never knew how strong I was until finally, my mind was free.
Three years of trying to survive but too weak to fight back.
All started freshman year trying so hard to stay another day.
I took the pen and let the devils draw on my arm and felt no pain.
You made me heartless under a masked smile that everyone believed.
I wore cut-up socks to cover up the scars that you caused me.
Sh was my drug of choice- it made the pain go away for a second.
Just like any habit, I needed more to be happy.
Late at night, I let my devils draw anywhere they wanted.
Wearing pants to cover up their artworks.
February 2020
the day my life almost ended. Afraid of what would happen if I stayed home another hour.
summer 2020
wishing my pain would go away.
December 2020
decided the fight was minutes from ending.
December 10th, 2020
the day I started living. Under all this hate was hidden ADHD.
Sometimes I still miss you but have my memories to show the truth.
Thank you for making me choose life.
from
the angle that isn’t ready to go home yet.

I wish I could write without him on my mind.
Before he controlled my memories and made me forget my weaknesses.
I wish I could write without having to think,
How it used to be before I was in love,
Before I let him get inside my walls.
I wish I could write my sadness Away without having to stop.

Will this be my fairy tale?
I hold on tight to the slight hope that lingers.
When he says goodbye, I wonder if this time he means forever.
I wonder if this will be my fairy tale or the start of my never-ending heart break.
Will all his love give me enough trust not to be worried for the future?
It's not his fault that he picked a damaged heart to love.

I’m afraid of getting bad again.
I don’t think I will ever get better if I do.
The darkness was scary but I know it’s not gone for ever.
I’m afraid of loosing you.
I don’t want to say goodbye,
One day I will lose you.
I hope you don’t leave when the darkness comes back.
I feel selfish saying I want you to stay with me.
I want your sunshine and late night talks.
If I get lost again please go looking for me.
Please don’t say goodbye.
When it’s time to go,
I will wave from the other side.

I love you, that's it.
Let the whole world listen while I scream as loud as my body lets me.
I love you
Everything else is gone when you are next to me.
I love you
The time that is taken is given back to me when you are in my arms.
I love you
Never will I want to stop saying these three words.
I love you.
Even when I'm confused about everything else, I know how I feel about you.

Sometimes I feel unheard,
That my life doesn’t matter as much.
I look around the room and wonder if anyone feels the same.
I’m afraid to ask the question out loud, not wanting to get all the looks of Judgment
I go home and cry in my bed wondering if I made the right choice of making it to twenty three.
How can I keep on going with all this pain?
Why can’t I just say goodbye for one last time?
I tell myself that I can't leave her behind without a brother.

Death used to scare me,
When I was younger I would cry about it.
Now I become friends with death almost meeting it three times.
Only caring what my friends and family would say if I went away.
If I picked death over living.
I wish I could do it for me but one day i won't care enough to stay.
I know death is cheering me on waiting for me to visit.
Waiting for me to stay forever.
Death used to scare me,
When I was eight I cried my self to sleep.
Now I play too close to my new friend.

If love was a book,
It would come in many forms.
Starting as the tales, we read at night to chapter books that take months to read.
If love was a book,
I would read it over and over, never wanting to stop hoping it would come true.
Dreaming of the day when I no longer have to read to figure out what it means.
If love was a book,
I would hope I was secretly reading about you.

I'm falling hard,
I hope he is there to catch me.
He leaves me speechless,
My heart starts to race.
My smile can't hide when he's in the room.
I feel like I'm dreaming when he looks over.
If this falling I hope I never stop.

I can't believe I let this happen again.
She wasn't there for me for a while but I picked up the phone the second she called.
I listen to all her issues trying to make her feel better.
I wonder why I am doing this as if she would do the same for me but I'm not sure anymore.
I can't believe I fell for her looks.
The pretty girl who everyone likes came over to me and everything started to spiral.
I did everything for her and I mean everything.
After it was all done then she dropped me as if I was nothing.
But once I was her everything and I wondered how that all changed so fast.
So of course when she called I had to pick up.
I had to be there for her.

The voice was sugar to my ears.
It taught me strength when he didn't want to.
It was there for me when she wouldn't be.
I learned hope from it,
When hopeless were all, I knew.

I miss the words we used to sing together,
Saying that we would be together for ever.
Now my head is spinning every time I look at you.
I try to take a grip but now my hands are slipping. Trying to stay standing not wanting to fall a second time.

I loved her away,
gave too much and no not enough space.
Wanted her the most when that was the thing holding her back.
I loved her away,
By not knowing how to love myself first.
I loved her away,
By wishing for something that neither of us was ready to give.
I loved her away, like loving wasn’t creating a distance between each other

They thought they would be together forever.
She was in a fairy tale until she works up in reality.
He would yell and scare her enough to make her leave.
But love her enough for her to come back.
The world didn’t know what was happening behind the closed door.
On the news, they were happy as good be.
But that isn’t the whole story, not close at all.

I liked you.
I never wanted it to end like this.
Please come back and tell me I’m worth something to you.

The pretty girl
I’m too scared to get close,
She can leave me any day.
I have been told don’t be afraid it will be ok.
Everyone else I liked left me why would she be any different.
I like the all nighters hoping tomorrow I get to see her again.
What if I wake up and this all a dream?
What if the fairytale girl isn’t real...
No here it comes the next saying she doesn’t want me.
I was always ready for this.

Fly high
I miss you everyday, wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare.
I replay memories in my head of us together.
The walks that made me smile,
Make me cry instead.
I try to think of the good times but the saddens takes over.
My heart is broken but healing slowly.
I know you are watching me from above.
I know when it snows it’s you saying hi

Hey to the pretty girl
Hey to the lonely boy waiting for someone to notice him.
Hey to the wannabe girls that are picking on the boy who justs friends.
Hi to the teacher who sits and does nothing but watches.
Hello to the boy that finally sits with the only boy instead of being mean.
I watch this all godown but who will be next.
This is school each day doing the same things until the cycle is ended.

If I was lost, would you be there to help me find my way?
Some days will be tough,
There are days that you'll need a second to breathe.
If I finished early would you give me other things to do?
Some times will be louder than can imagine,
Take a second to help the class get back to a softer tone.
If I was falling behind, would you stay longer to help me catch up?
Some students won't want to learn,
Put on your thinking cap and try to take the stress away.
If I didn't believe in myself, would you teach me how?

Please stop
I mean it!
I can’t do this!
I don’t want to fight you anymore.
We are meant to be together
So please leave.
I love you but
you make me feel so bad.
You are making me wish I never meet you.
I hope one day we can be together but not today.

The man with all the secrets,
Still only cares about himself.
Unless a pretty woman walks across his view.
He will forget all respect and hopes that make her beg for me.
The man will date others to make her jealous.
This will happen until she gives in or he finds someone new to mess with.

She didn't have to say a word,
Her eyes said it all.
The girl was in love, and no one could say differently.
He hated winter, learned to love it for her.
One night changed the girl's life forever.

I won’t let anyone hurt you.
I will save you from the darkness of the world.
All you will see is happiness and sunshine.
I will be by your side throughout the sad and evil or the sunny and cheery.
I will watch you grow to tell amazing girls.
Sharing memories all night about my past and your future.
Watching you smile while dad tells corny jokes.
While your mom takes you on walks all through the day.
Those bedtime stories will be dreams and tales to tell your kids one day.
Take one day at a time.
There is no reason to rush.

I wish my eyes could delete all sights I have of him.
Wishing that I never met the boy who was my first heart break.
There is good in all the bad,
I found love that of been gone if it wasn't for this pain.
One day I will be thankful for everything that has happen.
Today I just want to forget about the last words we said to each other.
I never thought this goodbye would be forever.

I’m broken like a kicked indoors.
No dents are left, but the pain stays
I want to heal,
I don’t know-how.

The sky is giving me a warning sign.
A dark x which tells us to run,
Run and don't look back.
The world is playing games with our minds and nothing can save us if we stay.
Stars are getting darker instead of brighter.
The screams are getting louder,
Families are getting torn apart.
It's hard to tell what's going to happen if we leave with out everyone.
The x is getting bigger
Time is almost out.
What will we do?

It’s not that I want to leave,
but how much it hurts to see her not in my arms.
Her smile starts to fade when I leave.
I wish she knew how hard I would fight for us to be
I may be 5,875 miles away,
I would walk that to see her once again.
It’s not that I want to leave.
It’s hard to miss someone who you ever had.

The time of the year that shy kids come to shock everyone.
When monsters can be unrestricted,
Everyone else plays pretend.
No one knowing who is real or fake,
The perfect time to make people regret their choice to come out alone.

Dear Kristina,
our mom will no longer see me in a wedding dress and walking down the ally.
I will no longer wear bikini’s on the beach but hide my body under a coat of sadness.
Hoping that one day I can walk without a shirt on and show off my scars.
The day I get those scars will be a day of victory.
I will never hear my kids call me mom.
They will never see me face depression from hiding Lake from the world. I know this battle may lose family
I would lose them than she’d bleed.
I tried to keep inside for so long but the longer I did that the closer I got to death.
The way a suit makes me cry of joy instead of a dress of shame.
I learned to fake it trying on my dad's suit when he wasn’t home.
Too embarrassed to be seen didn’t want to be the disappointed daughter.
Heres the thing I’m not his daughter anymore.
That shipped sailed after finding out I can hide my chest from the world.
Learning how to tie ties from youtube and being so proud of my self.
That day I wanted to cry of joy, I’m not mad it took 19 years to find this out but glad it came at all.
Just to say I finally did it aren’t you proud mom. I’m happy now the day finally came.

From lake cell- the better you.

She trusted him with everything,
He took it and destroyed it after a day.
She thought it was by mistake,
Gave him one more chance.
He did it once again.
Laughed at the look of her teary eyes.

She didn’t know that this would be her last words.
She didn’t think kissing her boyfriend would be her goodbye.
The world didn’t give her a fear chance.
Instead of crying so put on a smile
The smile masked her so well no one could see hind it.
Little did they know she stayed up all night wishing to be gone.
Writing letters all night long
Putting them under the bed not be found.
She tried to fight but let go
No one knew why the happy girl was gone

I watched her fall out of love faster than anything else.
The smiles turned into tears.
Late nights went to early goodbyes.
The worst was hearing the pain in her voice when saying I love you for the last time.
That's how I knew it was over.

Winter
The snow keeps falling
People are falling in love.
The trees keep changing, just like people’s minds.
The memories of times come and go while drinking hot cocoa.
I watch the snowfall while thinking of her.
Knowing she is doing the same.
She loves the snow, and I like her.
I watch the snow, knowing I’m closer to her.

I hate that I love you.
I didn’t ask to want to live,
now I don’t want to go.
I hear your voice and it makes
Me cry.
I never felt happy before this.
They see though my fake feelings
It’s  nothing but truths.
I love the moments I spend with him,
I hate that I want to live

I can't get enough even if I try.
I always want to know more about her.
It's like having a friend that has secrets and all you're dying to know it.
I'm afraid one day she is going to say that I'm too much.
That I'm annoying her with all my messages.
I guess I never had someone like her in my life.
Someone that is there all the time and won't hesitate to fight your demons.
I hope she knows I would do the same

Summer nights bring moments that we will never forget.
Laughs that will stay with us while the worlds move ons.
No one will forget when the car was filled with smiles and empty cans of soda.
Hoping to stay frozen for a while,
Getting dropped off a second later.
Wishing we can do it all again tomorrow,
Missing summer days when school comes around.

I hope one day I can smile when thinking of her.
I know that day was darker than a sky with no stars.
I didn't want break your heart in to a thousand pieces,
only wanted to smile again.
The way to that was to leave you behind.
I kept the memories but that's all I can take.
A little part of me still loves you but not enough to fight for something that was already lost.
I hope one day I can smile again when thinking of you.