Have you ever fit a *****
Only to find it tweaked?
Have you ever replaced a door hinge
Only to find the new one squeaked?
Or fixed a concern with another?
Because I'm afraid, right now, that's me.

I filled my head with helium
And it keeps trying to float away.
My hands shiver as if cold
On this warm and sunny day.
My heart kicked up its tempo
Though my body only sways.

I think might be dying,
At the very least I'm green.
How long can it freeze my brain,
Clogging up my blood stream?
Until finally I wonder how much
Is too much when taking in caffeine?

Sobbing, screaming
Hyperventilating, heaving,
Face goes numb
Dry throat sticks
Coughing, coughing, coughing, nearly sick

And there is no space with enough space
And certainly no beauty or grace
In these knee-buckling bouts of anxiety
When sanity comes apart at the seams
And crazy doesn't seem a description too extreme

Crazy must be what I am
Because how did I let my life get so far out of hand?
That I'm here, now, melting down like a nuclear plant
Radioactive but not like the hulk or superman
Just hoping I have strength enough left to stand

I believe I'll make it out eventually
But until then
I am the enemy, the survivor
And the battle they fought in

I love you enough to be honest
Even when it's hardest
And to let you close when I'm weakest
Though I'd rather you not see this
Because you've come and you've stayed
Through the blackest nights
And the longest days

I love you enough to have listened
With judgement suspended
And to push you to grow
And hold you when you're low
I love you enough to see your demons
And not see you differently
Because you really aren't them

I'll love you with my words
Until you believe what you've heard
And when my words aren't up to *****
When they don't say enough
I'll have my actions speak
And pick up the trail
Where my words ceased

I don't how you traveled the space
That exists between us now
You left no footsteps in your wake
Or maybe your stride was far too great

But we still talk you and I
At a time that others trade for dreams
I tell you of how my days go by
And you show me the stars in your sky

We find ways our nights to fill
You working and listening
While I sit and talk on my window sill
Fighting the exhaustion eating at my will

Because dawn breaks soon
And the day's needs are close
Goodbye until the sky's maroon
I'll miss you today my man in the moon

God said, I need your hope to be stronger

I thought, He wants me to believe in this relationship harder and longer.

I knew I was wrong when He said walk away.
Now I know, he meant believe you can get through the grey.

He meant, believe you can love again and that I have a better match

But I don't think I'll succeed,
I think I'm burned out at last.

I love the flaws on my body
Freckles, scars, and stretch marks
And wrinkles are my favorite
Some are from frowns
And many more from grins
I love them all because
I never thought I'd have any of them

I never thought
I'd make it this far

But I did
So I'll add
And add

Until my collection of stories
Marks me
From head to foot

And then I think
I'll tell all my children
How wonderful wrinkles are

In all that is worth seeking
I've never sought for greek love
For they warn of the heart as
They warn of Tartarus

The price of you grew
But at first it was only a little drama
I can still hear the Fates' laugh
As I pulled my drachmas

But I didn't mind
Because we were an epic
Of laughter and adventure
Of struggles and magic

Oh but this is Greek love
And I didn't know it
But you were Pandora and her box
You opened it and wreaked havoc

Suddenly I was Atlas
Holding up my world and yours
In endless pain
I was Prometheus, empty at the core

You flew for the sun
Believing yourself Pegasus, not Icarus
When you began to plummet
I dove after you fearless

You fell far under the world
Surrounded by mistakes egregious
I chased you to Hades but tell me
Am I Hercules or Theseus?

You look great!
You lost a little weight
Even prettier than before
Don't hold out on us anymore

What is your secret?

What do I say now?
Diet? Kale instead of cow
Exercise? A little sweat on the brow
Should I share a hard truth or easy lies?

What if I said

Anxiety actually
Destroys my skin, my sleep
The last sheds of my sanity
But hey, at least I'm skinny

If you ever wonder how much I love you?

Remember I saw that cliff
Long before I jumped off it
And believed that you would catch me

But you didn't and I broke
And there your heart awoke
And oh my love how you grieved

You put your everything
Into my rebuilding
Until I was whole again

Now I knew the pain
But also how you've changed
So I jump, for belief in a different end

I don't know what to write today
I didn't do anything

Well, then go do something
That's worth writing about

So I lived a life
Worth remembering

Ready player one?
Hit start, the game has begun
Taking every shot
Anxiety on the rocks

Getting tired of beginning
Favorites are boring
Color, season
Music, the reason

Until that lucky jump
Finally leveling up!
And then talks get deep
And every fall is steep

Every tiny victory
Building false security
Three lives left, failure far
Talking of houses, kids, and cars

Standing at the threshold
At the final stronghold
Armed with a ring
Fearing nothing

Then he pulls the cord
The connection felt goes cold
Hope without substance
It's just you and the ashes

Robbed of even a game over
You restore the game's power
As a level one encore
That still dreams of the highest score

Nobody wants broken people
Their cracks keep them from holding
A job, a love, a life together

Their sharp edges
Hurt the ones who try to hold them from
Giving in, giving up, falling apart

And while they try to fix themselves,
The world moves on, holding its head high
Missing the misery at its feet

Love is good morning texts
And always reaching for you

It's going out of my way
And a surprise rose or two

But it's also

Torrential downpour days
Tough talks, and hard truths

It's forgiving and learning
And having your back too

Because I love you more

Than easy days and
Butterflies at my core

More than ferris wheel rides
And london bus tours

Because

I plan on forever
Every good, every bad

And a love that lasts
Built the hard work of our past

Everywhere I go is doused in memories

And oh how I wish we'd made less

I have to stay awake


While my eyes stay open

I am in control

But when my eyes close

My memory is maestero


Right now she's in a rage

Drowning in the sorrow

Burning in injustice

Unwilling to wait 'til tomorrow


But I have to wait because

Right now if these memories play

My demons will win

And I'll waste away


So I have to stay awake

I needed someone to listen
So I wrote out my mind
Gave it rhythm and rhyme
And sent it out to be heard

I was honest at a distance
And I was happy with that
As months then years passed
For a poet is there anything more?

That's when I met you
You took me by the hand
And the adventure began
A journey without a destination

We danced in the sunsets
We fell with the stars
Orbiting, never too far
Each day rising to new heights

Then I was gone for a moment
And in that distance
There was an instance
When I realized I hadn't been writing

Why try? Why improve?
Why make progress or even move?

Because

Every hard right or rough start
Or Endless fight on a long night,

Isn't for you, or for him
But for the me I want to become.

And what a sight she will be

You watch for shooting stars
You look so hard
That the stars seem to shift

Once, twice, thrice,
You see their tails from the periphery
Till you turn and nothing's there

Maybe you imagined them
Per chance they were never even there
Probably just a trick of the light

Then a bright one streaks across the sky
And you know the others with fiction
Now that you've seen the real thing

This is how shooting stars
Are like true love.

We hope for "once in a million" loves
We envy  "once upon a time" romances
But no one knows how to find them
Because really what are the chances?

Ah but we know the chances!
So don't give up at one or two
Or twelve or three thousand and six
For a million tries is worth a love that's true

You say that I don't see what you see
When you look yourself in the eyes
And you're right because
You've only ever seen a monster in disguise.

You think somehow you've fooled us

You only know the critic, the judge,
The jury, the executioner,
The unimpressed, impertinent nit-picker
And then you look at you and wonder
How anyone can love her?

We don't.

We love the girl who glows
When she sees falling snow
Who wrinkles up her nose
When you offer her tomatoes
We love the girl who chose
To be kind in the face of foes.
Who encouraged others to grow
And become better as they go

So no, we DON'T see what you see
We see more, we see clearer
And we will love you as you deserve to be
Til one day you see the same in the mirror

I'm so glad God
Didn't give me what I wanted

Because what I wanted
Was so much less than He gave me

Because I never could have imagined
Someone as wonderful as you

So I thank God that you
Were the miracle that I needed

The fireworks soar so high
They burst and scatter embers
Some fall to the ground
Others catch in the black cloak sky
They eat through the fabric slowly
These coals twinkling all the while
But we just call them stars

I want to stay in the place
Where the wind holds sway

Where I can whisper my story
And with a whoosh he'll wisk it on it's way

From my cheeks, he'll brush tears
And with my hair he will play

He'll whistle a quiet tune
Until I drift to sleep where I lay

How long?

How long have you waited
For this world so jaded
To see you as I just have?

How long did you look down
Your glow marred only by a frown
Til they looked up and saw you shine?

How long did your heart bleed
Believing you must be ugly
Because they didn't have the eyes to see?

Wait no more
Because your worth,
ingrained in your core,
Is unbreakable when you see it.

Our moments are places
That belong to you and me.
Ones hidden better
Than any treasure

For only you and I
Can ever come back here
And relive this world
We built together

He wanted to prove his love
So he shot down a star for me
But it must have fallen far away
Because I waited a long time
In the darkness he left behind
And now? I only wish he'd come back.

This moment I wouldn't change,
Is worth all the moments I would change
And I'd keep every one of them
And live the awful all over again
For just one more moment like this

I live in The Somewhere
Between here and there
Between indifferent and I care
Between always looking away and long stares
Between brave enough to speak
And if only I wasn't scared

My heart aches in The Somewhere
Between a couple and a pair
Between this is okay and it's not fair
Between broken and repaired
Between brand new to love
And worn-out with ware

Trapped in the middle...I tear
Between being a 1st choice and a spare
Between hold my silence n' clear the air
Between unending joy and inevitable despair
Between a green light and a red flare
Between I'll take this risk by loving you
and really I don't dare

You were never looking at me
For there was so much
In the world to be seen

But I looked at you my friend
And saw the world
Through your eyes, like a lens

And saw a place I'd never imagined
In detail or expanse
And caught them in our fashion

A world to be developed
One that together we'd make better
Held to our hearts, enveloped