I've read of disaster
I've imagined catastrophe
But nothing prepared
For the moment it happened to me

In fact, instead of more real
My world became surreal
But this time I couldn't turn the pages
Stuck in the realest of unreal cages

At dusk, my nightmares breathed
And my demons grinned in glee
But my body was frozen
Like maybe stillness could save me

But in this, my worst of dreams,
Honesty's the monster, reality my enemy
And the more they show their ugly faces
The more my happily ever after loses pages

Because the unthinkable to me
Was an option somewhere in his psyche
So in the ruins of my plans for the future
I choose to escape this saddest of stupors

This moment is precious
To someone who no longer has many more

So hug your mom
Who spent her moments caring for you

Conquer that fear
That makes you feel trapped today

Call a friend
And memorize the sound of their laugh

Take a deep breath
And be grateful for this perfect second

Kiss your sweetheart
You'll never regret one more I love you

Because this moment is precious
To someone who longer has many more

Have you ever been hurt so bad,
That the thought of it all,
Causes an emotional relapse?

And you live the nightmare over again,
Because the small thing in your life now,
Reminds you of diaster of then.

A 99% difference in everything,
But it's enough,
Just that one little thing.

So you tear up your growth,
You hide in the dirt,
From the possible futures good, bad, or both.

Because in your periphery you see,
What looks like the past catching up,
And you'd do anything to be free.

You'd cuts ties with the good and the new,
Ruining it all because,
Survival clouds your view.

And you would have ruined it all
Except you take back the reins
Far too strong to fall

You've made it too far
Become something different
And moved up the bar

A pheonix in creation
You'll always come back better
From relapse to rehabilitation

I will forever be the "make it work" kid
Born to take what I am given
The "actually this is even better" girl
"Leave it better than it was" kind of living

I'll take a bad and find the good
Take the good and make it great
Infuse the great with some laughter
Forcing trials to blessings by sheer mental strength

Until I made a friend who was perfect
Who made the hard times breezy
And fair weather days even better
So strong she made life look easy

Until I met a boy who was kind
And thinks the world of imperfect me
Who was raised to be a gentleman
A safe space where I feel free

I guess some things just come wonderful
They don't need to be made better
Reminding that rainbows come from rain
And there's a true upside to every weather

I was lost in the worry
That should be here but it's not
Trying to believe and be happy
But waiting for the other shoe to drop

I was ready with an umbrella
A wind breaker and sunscreen
Sunshine daily but you don't call me silly
You just ask if you can carry anything

I'm learning to trust the ground we walk on
Because maybe not all ice is thin
Winter days don't have to be bitter
And nights can just be for stars and wishin'

And new days are new adventures
Not a game of dice or roulette
And walks are for long talks
Not for escaping and secrets

Because my definition of love wasn't wrong
Just the connotations
And you wrote over them in red ink
Giving me back a better edition

And while my eyes still drop
When that song comes on
And I have to disappear to deal
With memories I'd thought were gone

You wait and you're patient
As I heal from all the heartache
Still I'm sorry you have to be careful
Because of the mess someone else made

But I'm learning from you that love can be good
It doesn't always break, not always made of glass
Sometimes it's made of rubber
It may fall but it's durable, forever bouncing back

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if I were blind

Because your laugh
Makes me grin like a fool

Because even in blackness
Your character would still be visible

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if I were deaf

Because nothing quite steals my breath
Like the way you smile

And nothing quite melts my heart like
Watching you care without a speck of guile

I think I would have fallen for you
Even if you were mute

Because we still would have talked the night away without a single phrase

And been bound together by the adventures
That came along the way

So I don't think there was a way that I wouldn't have ended up right here

Watching you tell me another story
And falling without a moment of fear

He takes my hand,
I feel and I don't
I feel pressure and warmth
Not the butterflies or glow

He is trustworthy
I let him in and I don't
I open my soul because he'll respect it
But I'm on edge in case he won't

We talk like time is expendable
I get lost in him and I don't
Because it's so easy to let go
But I've lived all this before

And I know that something is wrong
But don't know what it is because

My heart feels numb
My head feels hollow
I hold back like everything depends on it
I lead, too afraid to follow

Because my last flame was so bright
That it ended with me burned
I hope I'm still just healing
Scars fading into lessons learned

And if that is not the case
Then the damage is deeper
Than skin, tissue, or bone
Making every sensation cheaper

That means it's down to the nerve
And my heart will never quite feel
That I'll never be the same
Because nerve damage doesn't heal

A patchwork of her past
Where pain and joy overlap
In stretch marks and stupid scars
In laugh lines, and inked art

Every sun-kissed spot
And Marilyn Monroe dot
Speak of habits and genetics
Of insecurities or aesthetics

So ask her for the stories
Some funny, some boring
From "I slipped and split my chin"
To "that dare I had to win"

And for others, she flinches
Stories measured in miles not inches
Scars that trace back to the heart or mind
That maybe she'll tell you another time

We may wish some tales weren't written
But nothing's real without dimension
So for all the obvious or obscure we can see
Maybe we should rethink the term "skin deep"

I wish I were an evergreen
My faith never withering
My hope bright and alive
With needles stretching heaven ward

Instead I am deciduous
Fleeting, changing, temperamental
So affected by the world
So changed by my environment

Bursting forth in green and flower
In beautiful spiritual moments
Shriveling in the cold bitterness
Of sin's frigid wind

If I am trapped in my nature
Bound by my genetics
Then let me at least fulfill
The measure of my creation

Let my springs be eye-catching
So others can see Thee in me
Let my summers be long
Leaves wide as I soak in the Son

Let my autumns be short
And let my sins fall fast
Let my winters be teachers
Help me to prepare and endure them well

Until I stand before thee
Full of good fruit
Until I can spring up into everlasting life
Purified and made perfect by You

Have you ever fit a *****
Only to find it tweaked?
Have you ever replaced a door hinge
Only to find the new one squeaked?
Or fixed a concern with another?
Because I'm afraid, right now, that's me.

I filled my head with helium
And it keeps trying to float away.
My hands shiver as if cold
On this warm and sunny day.
My heart kicked up its tempo
Though my body only sways.

I think might be dying,
At the very least I'm green.
How long can it freeze my brain,
Clogging up my blood stream?
Until finally I wonder how much
Is too much when taking in caffeine?

There is no space with enough space
And certainly no beauty or grace
In these knee-buckling bouts of anxiety
When sanity comes apart at the seams
And crazy doesn't seem a description too extreme

Crazy must be what I am
Because how did I let my life get so far out of hand?
That I'm here, now, melting down like a nuclear plant
Radioactive but not like the hulk or superman
Just hoping I have strength enough left to stand

I believe I'll make it out eventually
But until then
I am the enemy, the survivor
And the battle they fought in

I love you enough to be honest
Even when it's hardest
And to let you close when I'm weakest
Though I'd rather you not see this
Because you've come and you've stayed
Through the blackest nights
And the longest days

I love you enough to have listened
With judgement suspended
And to push you to grow
And hold you when you're low
I love you enough to see your demons
And not see you differently
Because you really aren't them

I'll love you with my words
Until you believe what you've heard
And when my words aren't up to *****
When they don't say enough
I'll have my actions speak
And pick up the trail
Where my words ceased

I don't how you traveled the space
That exists between us now
You left no footsteps in your wake
Or maybe your stride was far too great

But we still talk you and I
At a time that others trade for dreams
I tell you of how my days go by
And you show me the stars in your sky

We find ways our nights to fill
You working and listening
While I sit and talk on my window sill
Fighting the exhaustion eating at my will

Because dawn breaks soon
And the day's needs are close
Goodbye until the sky's maroon
I'll miss you today my man in the moon

God said, I need your hope to be stronger

I thought, He wants me to believe in this relationship harder and longer.

I knew I was wrong when He said walk away.
Now I know, he meant believe you can get through the grey.

He meant, believe you can love again and that I have a better match

But I don't think I'll succeed,
I think I'm burned out at last.

I love the flaws on my body
Freckles, scars, and stretch marks
And wrinkles are my favorite
Some are from frowns
And many more from grins
I love them all because
I never thought I'd have any of them

I never thought
I'd make it this far

But I did
So I'll add
And add

Until my collection of stories
Marks me
From head to foot

And then I think
I'll tell all my children
How wonderful wrinkles are

In all that is worth seeking
I've never sought for greek love
For they warn of the heart as
They warn of Tartarus

The price of you grew
But at first it was only a little drama
I can still hear the Fates' laugh
As I pulled out my drachmas

But I didn't mind
Because we were an epic
Of laughter and adventure
Of struggles and magic

Oh but this is Greek love
And I didn't know it
But you were Pandora and her box
You opened it and wreaked havoc

Suddenly I was Atlas
Holding up my world and yours
In endless pain
I was Prometheus, empty at the core

You flew for the sun
Believing yourself Pegasus, not Icarus
When you began to plummet
I dove after you fearless

You fell far under the world
Surrounded by mistakes egregious
I chased you to Hades but tell me
Am I Hercules or Theseus?

You look great!
You lost a little weight
Even prettier than before
Don't hold out on us anymore

What is your secret?

What do I say now?
Diet? Kale instead of cow
Exercise? A little sweat on the brow
Should I share a hard truth or easy lies?

What if I said

Anxiety actually
Destroys my skin, my sleep
The last sheds of my sanity
But hey, at least I'm skinny

If you ever wonder how much I love you?

Remember I saw that cliff
Long before I jumped off it
And believed that you would catch me

But you didn't and I broke
And there your heart awoke
And oh my love how you grieved

You put your everything
Into my rebuilding
Until I was whole again

Now I knew the pain
But also how you've changed
So I jump, for belief in a different end

I don't know what to write today
I didn't do anything

Well, then go do something
That's worth writing about

So I lived a life
Worth remembering

Ready player one?
Hit start, the game has begun
Taking every shot
Anxiety on the rocks

Getting tired of beginning
Favorites are boring
Color, season
Music, the reason

Until that lucky jump
Finally leveling up!
And then talks get deep
And every fall is steep

Every tiny victory
Building false security
Three lives left, failure far
Talking of houses, kids, and cars

Standing at the threshold
At the final stronghold
Armed with a ring
Fearing nothing

Then he pulls the cord
The connection felt goes cold
Hope without substance
It's just you and the ashes

Robbed of even a game over
You restore the game's power
As a level one encore
That still dreams of the highest score

Nobody wants broken people
Their cracks keep them from holding
A job, a love, a life together

Their sharp edges
Hurt the ones who try to hold them from
Giving in, giving up, falling apart

And while they try to fix themselves,
The world moves on, holding its head high
Missing the misery at its feet

Love is good morning texts
And always reaching for you

It's going out of my way
And a surprise rose or two

But it's also

Torrential downpour days
Tough talks, and hard truths

It's forgiving and learning
And having your back too

Because I love you more

Than easy days and
Butterflies at my core

More than ferris wheel rides
And london bus tours

Because

I plan on forever
Every good, every bad

And a love that lasts
Built the hard work of our past

Everywhere I go is doused in memories

And oh how I wish we'd made less

I have to stay awake


While my eyes stay open

I am in control

But when my eyes close

My memory is maestero


Right now she's in a rage

Drowning in the sorrow

Burning in injustice

Unwilling to wait 'til tomorrow


But I have to wait because

Right now if these memories play

My demons will win

And I'll waste away


So I have to stay awake

I needed someone to listen
So I wrote out my mind
Gave it rhythm and rhyme
And sent it out to be heard

I was honest at a distance
And I was happy with that
As months then years passed
For a poet is there anything more?

That's when I met you
You took me by the hand
And the adventure began
A journey without a destination

We danced in the sunsets
We fell with the stars
Orbiting, never too far
Each day rising to new heights

Then I was gone for a moment
And in that distance
There was an instance
When I realized I hadn't been writing

Why try? Why improve?
Why make progress or even move?

Because

Every hard right or rough start
Or Endless fight on a long night,

Isn't for you, or for him
But for the me I want to become.

And what a sight she will be

You watch for shooting stars
You look so hard
That the stars seem to shift

Once, twice, thrice,
You see their tails from the periphery
Till you turn and nothing's there

Maybe you imagined them
Per chance they were never even there
Probably just a trick of the light

Then a bright one streaks across the sky
And you know the others with fiction
Now that you've seen the real thing

This is how shooting stars
Are like true love.

We hope for "once in a million" loves
We envy  "once upon a time" romances
But no one knows how to find them
Because really what are the chances?

Ah but we know the chances!
So don't give up at one or two
Or twelve or three thousand and six
For a million tries is worth a love that's true