I was never good with women
When they choose me, it freaks me out
Why me? I'm disgusting

So I kissed the one at arms reach
While the one farther away cried
And I realized the error

That I love the one far away
As I tried to warm up to her
She cried even harder

The one I kissed went away
I realized I lost them both
I was never good with women

I looked into your eyes and smiled
You weren't very welcoming
So I shut myself in
And left

I wonder about fate
Not just mine but of yours
It's easy to tell you to go to hell
Harder to assume you're going to heaven

I want to know about fate
Even if it's none of my business
Will you be there in the afterlife?
Will I have to put up with you there?

Others might call me lazy
But I'm working on not looking back so much
There is no guarantee of a future
Each day is like the last

And the past is still in me
It jolts and shocks me
I don't want to dwell anymore
I want to talk to you without being afraid

My bones shake at the slightest noise
This flesh feel so rent, that houses my soul
And due to the numbness and pain inside,
my mind's stuck on the ground, lost my bird's eye

Lately I've been living on feeling
Trying to feel good, but I'm not healing
Only revenge, I want to see
the consequences of what they did to me

And I know it's none of my business
I need to focus on myself, but the stress!
I failed each test, though I tried my best
I lay all this at God's feet, and rest

Where is the future
Don't trust it
I'm good with what happened
What good is it for

Where is the past
It's tangled by emotions
I see it again and again
At different angles

Can't sleep
I see the past
I live it once more
In my dreams

Can't sleep
The future is frightening
I see it once more
In my dreams

Can't trust the past
Can't trust the future
Only the present
I feel incomplete

Look at the power
Feed it once more
The sadness and sorrow
Like a black hole

Good thoughts are hard to find
My thoughts are dark by design
Virtue is so bright a thing
I just want to end my suffering

I unwillingly take part in the fight
That has no end in sight
I need relief from the constant pain
That showers my heart with so much rain

I want to know something with my heart
I wish I could tell apart
The difference between good and bad
Discernment I wish I had

But most things are a shade of grey
And what hurt me last year still hurts today
I try to forget with all my might
At once suffocating my inner light

What's that I see, around the bend
Justice and love in the end
A reward that's true and personalized
Endure suffering to achieve the prize

I have forsaken the life that could have been
in order to live virtually in a tv screen
It's got everything
Art is fascinating
But now I need to get out
And I don't know how to go about doing that
In the game world I'm always the hero
Here I'm nothing, zero
No shiny things to collect
No happy song at the end credits

What was I on?
Now all my time is gone
No social skills
Can't pay the bills
Patience is thin
Just know how to win
I wish I could put this on someone
It's all on me, just trying to have fun
I want to stop, but when?
And if I stop, what then?

The parties, the soirees
Moving the body
Socializing and mingling
Music and singing
I always wondered
What are they celebrating,
what am I missing,
why am I not relating?

Too high to be bothered
High on each other
Finding new lovers
Having *** with each other
To get over on one another
Ditching the former
Remembering never
that love lasts forever

My life was never easy
I'm a mess
I don't want to be seen
A life of sadness
Adversity at every turn
Weight of the world and stress
Yet I look at the foolish
How short-lived their happiness

There is nothing to say
to people such as these
No conversation to be had
They know nothing of worth
**** of the earth
Who don't think of tomorrow
When the party is over
their joy will be sorrow

The tongue is a rudder
Its words are like fire
Sparking imagination, spreading

Rumours cut
deeper than knives
Ruining lives

Label attached
Like a parasite
Staining the white

No one will touch
A leprous man
What hope for such?

The fool walks about
Pointing the finger
Exposing another

What will he do
when he is stripped from power
and stands fore his maker?

For a while they stood from afar
observing from distance your rising star
It was only a matter of time before you fell
Got shot out the sky and straight into hell
They tell stories about you, about that sin
Though you merely dipped your feet,
when others were diving in
The fly ruined the ointment, and blotted the sun
A pitiful end to a story that's barely begun

So now you are cold, afraid and alone
But a heart is of flesh, and not of stone!
Life is so fragile, so easily lost
We tire so easily, at an unfortunate cost
Some things stick in the mind, but really are gone
You recite it over and over again like a song
It lives in the heart, and causes you pain
It tore down your home, and drove you insane
Like a perpetual rain, it falls and falls
and will till the end, when the trumpet sound calls

No one can see
the intentions of the heart
except God
If this is the case
then  how does the Lord
not take action against evil
before it strikes?

Evil and heartache
What was the point
Why was I stricken
Why do I feel grief
for the death of another
when I don't even know them
and hate my own brother?

For now I am resting
The seed has been sowed
Who knows what will be sprung
I may have no leaves now
But someday I might bear fruit
If I shoot up to heaven
Will I remember my roots?

You're unstable
And it shows
Curb the highs
Raise the lows
Keep it steady
As she goes

Don't veer left
Nor go right
Do not flee
Don't try to fight
Dark at noon
Bright midnight

Do not weep
Do not rile
Walk to hell
Single file
Line goes on
For a mile

One in front
One behind
Oiled machines
Gears don't grind
Spirit's gone
Flatlined

Silence and I still can't rest so I'll post this here and hope for the best.

I wanted to keep this to myself but I have no one to talk to and I need to get it off my chest.

After I burned my letter I prayed for an hour and though I felt better I saw no hope for a coward in fetters.

When I was little I learned that I can't have what I want and all I ever wanted was love in my heart.

I was denied and like stale bread I eat hatred for dinner in bed.

I despise my enemies they are free I want them to burn out of jealousy.

They have nothing to worry about while I'm scared to talk I can't leave my house and go for a walk.

You reap what you sow people know all my sins for I tell them so.

I need solutions fast or my dwindling life won't last.

I try to be a nice guy and people hate me for this I don't know why.

Before I knew God I was carefree once I found God the devil frightened me.

I trusted in God and still got burned I suppose it's just another lesson learned.

I wish I could live I try to forgive but I wanna die and I don't know why.

Sigh or cry no one cares people give off nasty stares.

Pride and malice rules the streets I hide in my room under the sheets.

And I dream more pleasant things I hope to some day have some friends.

It never ends
When will it end?
What kind of life
What am I doing?
Admiring beauty?
I'm smothered by fools
I don't have a voice
And even if I had one
I'd still have no choice
Predestination rules
No one can change it
No one can take the script
And tear it to pieces
I am a pawn
I don't know what the king does
Blindly I serve
But I will be faithful
For I have seen good
From his hands I have tasted
The fruit of life
And so I am thankful

For bread and wine I toil about
I put in work and gather dust
My face is drenched from harvest time
Winter comes and I don't rest
The workload's constant for fallen man
Who groans about in fallen world
The burden I carry is on my shoulders
Where sins of past have made their home
Love is scarce but calls me back
To happier simpler prosperous times
Before my work was done for others
Before I had to repay my debts
Now I'm living for myself
The walls and ceiling are my friends
A prison without locks is where I am
Looking for peaceful rest upon my bed
Tormented by coldness I stutter and turn
Into the void I direct my heart
Far from toil and labour and travail
I take what's mine and give it away
The world receives from my cold hands
My soul departs for resting place
Now I'm dead I can rest in peace

...and it hits me like a ton of bricks
uncovered stones that long lay still
which never needed to be unturned
only insects dwell in this unseen
darkness that i bring to light
i want to bury it back to where it belongs
i'm trapped in emotion that comes in a bag
air tight and ready to be opened again
by a clumsy mind that knows no barriers
take a whiff and instantly remember
all the things that i have seen
all the places i have been
all the faces that i've known
and the town where i have grown
from a point of view that might not be true
or tainted by the passage of time
better to forget and live anew
each day is a chance to make it right
and i cannot give up the fight

Hello's and goodbyes
Are what I'm good at
The stuff in the middle
I'm trying to work on

I don't want to judge
And I can't always tell
What's passive aggression
Or what's about me

Fighting over the truth
Or your point of view
Is paradoxal
Cause truth is love

But people are fire
And ice and bipolar
They want to make war
And feel like the victor

So I disengage
And say goodbye
Though there are times
I can't even do that

I don't need a sign
The good Lord foretold
Enemies of mine
Will be in my own household

I'm not on your level
Like a flower I wilt
Slave to the devil
Crippled by guilt

With fear they controlled
I was inclined to do good
I did what I was told
But they misunderstood

My mom was a breadwinner
So was my dad
Each evening at dinner
They spoke of the bad

Above they would lurk
And tasks they would hand
To force me to work
And against me to band

I was forced to rebel
Which may be a sin
Now I'm a slave to the devil
Without solid foundation

The ground was never solid
No shoulder to lean on or hand
to guide or help us understand
Just run to escape the quick sand
Such is the life of man
I'm tired of running
Through no man's land
Wading through a pile of mud
Dodging mosquitos and poison ivy
The rashes and bites make me bleed
Yet I believe someday that flowers will bud
By our blood
Then out of the crud the earth will be blessed
By the remnant seed all who confessed
That our sacrifice was not in vain
And those who heard them took heed
And forsook their lust and violence and greed
Then every man will live by the fruit of his deeds