I don't mean to delve too far into the past
though sometimes I can't help myself
I remember a time quite long ago
when I was just a little boy
I wore a happy smile and bow
and was still so full of joy
I wasn't afraid of my own shadow
Trauma hadn't yet struck its blow

Then I waved those times goodbye
In exchange for what and why?
My mistakes make me shake
I cannot sleep, I lie awake
All my recent memories are of groaning
not exploring, but preserving

Nowadays I know too much
and do too little, I'm out of touch
bad memories have me petrified
I sleep with one eye open wide
Hand in bowl, spoon to mouth
I eat to make the pain abide
all I want do is hide
but I cannot let this slide

It stops me in my tracks
and gives me panic attacks
Darkness on my mind
keeps me in a bind
I'm not one of those people who
sees no evil, hears no evil
I feel evil
and am a target of the devil
The snake begins to rattle
Signals for a battle
It wants to eat up my resolve
Devour me like cattle
I don't expect applause
when fighting for my cause
I'm only trying to save myself
the way it always was
I failed everyone I love
and blamed everyone I hate
consumed revenge all I could
yet it would not satiate
I hope it's not too late
to change this gruelling fate
Those I love are gone
all I can do now is wait

This world is insanity
Their invention of gravity
It keeps you down
Until you bow to the ground
You're living a lie
They made you jump through hoops
But deep down inside
You know you can fly
And shatter the sky
But then you could never
Look back to say bye
How vain is the vanity
Of running in circles
Where pitfalls abound
Only to trip on a mound
You can walk on water
With faith you won't drown
You can do anything you desire
You don't have to frown
This envious society
That feasts upon piety
And fear - you know it's unsound
Yet you keep going round
And around and around
You worked all your life
By the sweat of your brow
You deserve finest garment
Yet prefer to be bound

There's not much to do
except take a curse
and make it better
I'll get better
Be a trend setter
and keep my word
to the letter
I keep hurting myself
Forsaking what's sure
in favour of
bad inner chatter
I want to be kind
Swearing or blessing
I'm choosing the latter
My tongue is a rudder
Steers the body
like a ship
I haven't forgotten her
If my words will be pure
then my blessing is sure
In saying what's good
I'm finding a cure

I see all my dreams
That I once dared to dream
Exist all around me
I made them real

I dreamed of being
Left all alone
Like a kid in a big house
To do what I want

I thought I'd keep going
But then I stopped
Got what I wanted
Then everything flopped

Can't enjoy anything
Food tastes so bland
Can't make new friends
Monsters abound

I get tired around three
Then I get on my knees
And ask God please
Put me out of this misery

I was always a fighter
But now I'm less bold
Like a kid all over again
Just wanna do what I'm told

I don't want to rebel anymore
Want to submit to the LORD
Rekindle the fire
Before I turn cold

A spirit upon me
Won't let me stand
Spirit of falling
Like being choked by a hand
My stomach's a storm
My head is a fog
Took pride in obedience
No better than a dog
Now I'm off on my own
I smile and play nice
Though inside I'm dead
And colder than ice
Keep things to myself
It cannot be said
I bottle it up
My friends have all fled
Fear of the unknown
Has turned into dread
A windstorm is howling
I feel faint in the head
Smell something foul
And drop like lead
Lose control of my bowels
Wake up ****** and red
Sometimes on the floor
Sometimes in bed
Clean the stains with a towel
This cannot be said
So hard to talk about
I just swallow the pain
Reminisce about my life
Going down the drain
But I do not complain
Too proud to complain
Still somewhat sane
Too proud to complain

There's no room for love
in times of war
I've been fighting a conflict
since the dawn of my life
I always wanted to love
To have a relationship
To get to know their family
and for them to know mine
but evil kept me single
I was never jovial
Carefree and happy
In fact, I was the opposite
careful and unhappy
and under attack
I don't love myself
and no one loves me back
So I don't believe in love
The kind between man and woman
I only know God's love
when I pray to heaven
Not to make me a winner
but to have mercy on me, a sinner