Every morning I wake up
Heavy rocks in my chest
No thoughts in my head
Your voice
Nothing else.

Straight to fear and panic
Worried about how to act
Can I wear this shirt?

Every day I do less for me
Make fewer decisions
You are pulling the strings
I'm going through the motions
Nothing else

Always crying inside
Worried the world can see
Can I stand this way?

Now and then a song will come to me
I try to live in that peace
Take the beating
Clean up the mess
We are perfect and happy
Nothing else

The pain is crushing
Worried it’s all my fault
Can I listen to this song?

Every Night as I fall asleep
Still rocks in my chest
No thoughts in my head
Your voice
Nothing else

The smoke was thick in the air
I was burning it all in despair
You were dwelling there too
When I burnt me, I burnt you
Now from the ashes, we both can rise.

That calm feeling that washes over me
while the sound of rain lulls me to sleep

The charge of light
As I gaze at the moon

The coziest snuggle
Like three extra layers

The sweet bite of chocolate
On my most painful of days

The relaxing ease
Of no wrong choices

The freedom to be
Whoever I want to be

A strong and sturdy tree
When I need shade and protection

I often say I Love You,
More than words could ever say

This is my feeble attempt,
If you ever need to know,
What you are to me.

New to this trauma
how unusual
the calm
the peace

this must be love

I struggle with my memories
The ones of you and I
The beautiful family the day to day
Yet enveloped in a lie

My mind is weighed down by the trauma
And it’s hard to believe it’s all real
But this mind has been running in circles
Trying to leave it behind or conceal

To evolve back then
The darkness the empty
Toward now
The light in the distance
Hope

In my younger years I was in darkness
yet trying to hide from it. I kept my hair short and my body *****.
I dressed like a boy and tried my best to be the smelliest kid.
At night in my room before bed
I would sit and look at those parts of my body.
Those parts I wished I didn’t have.
I would then take my tiny little blade out of my tiny little tin
And I would cut.
I would cut tiny little patches of tiny little cuts
All over those parts of my body
If it's ****** and gross and I’m ***** and ugly
Then why does he return every night