I struggle with my memories
The ones of you and I
The beautiful family the day to day
Yet enveloped in a lie

My mind is weighed down by the trauma
And it’s hard to believe it’s all real
But this mind has been running in circles
Trying to leave it behind or conceal

I hear the floor creak outside my door,
I thought he couldn’t come here anymore.
I close my eyes I am not here,
Maybe he won’t see me and just disappear.

He walks straight to my bed,
I feel his hand upon my head.
I try not to but I flinch,
Now he knows and I can’t move an inch.

The only way to survive what happens here,
Is to fly away until the coast is clear.

In the beginning, I was me
I had opinions and I made decisions
I was a person

I married him and instantly
Became less not more
Not even a person

I learned to not speak out of turn
I made no decisions
I lost all my opinions

My friends and family disappeared
Still there but out of my reach
I was no longer theirs just his

All the things I once loved
Now had no place in my mind
This mind was controlled

He controlled my appearance
He controlled my words
He controlled my actions
He controlled my very thoughts

In the end, I was not a person
I was what he wanted me to be
The me I once knew was gone

The pain inside it grows
I cut real deep to let it go

The change brings peace
The red the release

The next day just more of the same.

What if
This life is not my life
What if
In micro-seconds I travel to another life
My real life
Only to be dragged back kicking and screaming
To this nothingness

What if
What if
What if

And If
This is not where I belong
Then
Why am I here?

I’m not proud to be an American
Where no one is really free
And I won’t forget the ones who died
For that freedom that will never be

It came and went
And I felt No Pride
we are keeping children in cages

The times have changed
But we have not
we don’t remember our history

You had your fun
You blew stuff up
But what will you do for them

I'm calling to all who see
Do you feel the misery?
I have an idea
It may seem strange
Next year on the 4th we shall strike

Pixelated war in my fleshy brain
This world is real
As real as this unicorn
Ensouled to this
I will stay here instead

New to this trauma
how unusual
the calm
the peace

this must be love

If today were yesterday
Then tomorrow would never come

I would never have to say goodbye
You would still be here
And we would still be together.

I will stay in yesterday
So I can see your beautiful face forever.

I sit and watch the clock tick on
As years of my life slip by.

This day to day is bringing me down
As my dreams soar far away.

This crapshow they call life
I see right through it.
I see behind the curtain
To those ridiculous puppet masters.
Their lies aren’t even convincing.
If not for your obsessions with your cell phones
You would all see it too.

Major flaws like glitches in the Matrix.
People killing each other
Animals going extinct
The very world around us is on fire

We don’t see it
Because of them
We can’t see past 10 inches.

He gave me flowers today
The red of the petals matched
The blood dripping from my broken nose

I put them in another vase
Next to the flowers that have aged
To a purple like the bruise around my eye

He always says sorry
And he always brings me flowers
He must really love me...

That calm feeling that washes over me
while the sound of rain lulls me to sleep

The charge of light
As I gaze at the moon

The coziest snuggle
Like three extra layers

The sweet bite of chocolate
On my most painful of days

The relaxing ease
Of no wrong choices

The freedom to be
Whoever I want to be

A strong and sturdy tree
When I need shade and protection

I often say I Love You,
More than words could ever say

This is my feeble attempt,
If you ever need to know,
What you are to me.

In my younger years I was in darkness
yet trying to hide from it. I kept my hair short and my body *****.
I dressed like a boy and tried my best to be the smelliest kid.
At night in my room before bed
I would sit and look at those parts of my body.
Those parts I wished I didn’t have.
I would then take my tiny little blade out of my tiny little tin
And I would cut.
I would cut tiny little patches of tiny little cuts
All over those parts of my body
If it's ****** and gross and I’m ***** and ugly
Then why does he return every night

You look at my chest
You don’t hear me

You think of me naked
You are not listening

You notice the softness of my skin
You are not paying attention

My mouth is still moving
But You are only watching my lips
You are not hearing the words

A day in my life is being ignored
At Least my mind that is

I am more than my body
I have more to offer
Someday, I hope the World will see

When they look at us they see
The hair but not the brain underneath
The Breast but not the heart within
The plump of our legs but not our strength

We are more
We are people
We are WOMEN

To evolve back then
The darkness the empty
Toward now
The light in the distance
Hope

Our empire we are building on death and trash
Where once was life and beauty.

This world has survived so many horrible times,
But it is humans who will destroy it completely.

Glorious oceans once clear and blue,
Now a dark sludge, more plastic than water.

Air so ***** you can see it all around you, feel it in your lungs,
Not enough trees left to create fresh breathable oxygen.

We can’t live like this,
The End will come soon.

Innocent people seeking help
Ripped apart and thrown in cages
Ignored and forgotten

But I don’t forget.
I remember from history
The atrocities of the holocaust
If we don’t remember our history
Then we are bound to repeat it

We tell ourselves that he was a monster
He said they were not human he said that they were animals

Now here we are
7 decades later

Our President says
They are not humans they are animals

And here we are, congratulations
We are the monsters now.

The smoke was thick in the air
I was burning it all in despair
You were dwelling there too
When I burnt me, I burnt you
Now from the ashes, we both can rise.

Every morning I wake up
Heavy rocks in my chest
No thoughts in my head
Your voice
Nothing else.

Straight to fear and panic
Worried about how to act
Can I wear this shirt?

Every day I do less for me
Make fewer decisions
You are pulling the strings
I'm going through the motions
Nothing else

Always crying inside
Worried the world can see
Can I stand this way?

Now and then a song will come to me
I try to live in that peace
Take the beating
Clean up the mess
We are perfect and happy
Nothing else

The pain is crushing
Worried it’s all my fault
Can I listen to this song?

Every Night as I fall asleep
Still rocks in my chest
No thoughts in my head
Your voice
Nothing else